Edna07 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 OK here's my story. Warning.... it's long. My husband and I got together 8 years ago. The first couple years were blissful. We got along really well. He told me I'm the only person who understands him. Said it was us against the world. We got married 3 years later. The first year was pretty good. But then he got increasingly moody. Would flip out and slam things around and yell at me over silly things (like buying 2 packages of steak at the grocery store instead of 4) or arranging the rugs in the kitchen the wrong way. Then he started looking at porn incessantly on the computer. He would wait until I went to bed and get online. I would wake up at like 3 in the morning to go to the bathroom and would catch him looking at it. Then I found out that he was acting like he was going to work, waited for me to leave for work and would come back home and surf it all day long. I confronted him about it and he didn't deny it, but turned it around on me and the fact that I "violated his privacy" and "how could he ever trust me again." So I apologized profusely and said I would never do that again. We bought a house and things were ok - he still yelled at me over silly things. Wouldn't let me do the grocery shopping or cooking anymore because I did it the wrong way. He told me he'd "teach" me how to grocery shop and do it the right way. Any time I went to the store, he would find something wrong with what I bought or where I bought it. We didn't have internet access at the new house, but then he started coming home late from work every night. I had a feeling he was staying late to look at porn online - we also weren't having sex at this time and I figured it was because of the way I looked because I was pregnant. I remembered the user id to one of the sites he went to (it was cached from when I was looking at the temporary internet files) so I went to the site to see if he was logging in. He was - daily. He was telling me he had to work late and he was really looking at porn. One night I confronted him about it. Told him to just tell me the truth. He lied to my face. I told him I had proof. I showed him the proof. He flipped out on me telling me I ruined everything, how could he trust me again? He was also involved in sports at this time and he was going out 3 nights a week and staying out sometimes until 3:00 a.m. Then he would come home and snore his head off because he was drunk. One night I got up and went to sleep in the guest room and he came in and told me to go back in our room. I had forgotten my pillow so I went back to the guest room. He threw the pillow at me and said, "Go to bed, bitch." Things continued on like this - he would complain about me being so tired and whiny because I was pregnant. He got better toward me when I was about 8 months pregnant. After the birth of our son, things got worse. He was increasingly critical of me. Especially the way I took care of our son. I diapered him the wrong way, fed him the wrong way, he pushed me to keep breastfeeding when I didn't want to because it would save us money. He also invited his best friend and his wife to come stay with us 3 weeks after our son was born. I told him I didn't want them to come because we were still getting used to being a family. He invited them anyway and spent tour guide to them for an entire week while I was left home with a colicky baby. I also was not allowed to make changes in the home. I was not allowed to take pictures, rearrange things, etc. As soon as he walked in the door, he would say he didn't like it and change it back or tell me that I needed to "discuss these things with him so we could make a decision together." I'm not even talking about rearranging furniture... I'm talking about moving a candle or a picture. Things got very bad and I contemplated leaving him when our son was around 3 months old. Then I found out I was pregnant again. Obviously, I was very upset about being pregnant again because things were so bad. I continued to be the primary caregiver for our 1st child while pregnant with our second one. I was the one to get up with him multiple times a night. My husband did occasionally, but I probably did it 85% of the time. I also had him by myself 3 nights a week and on Saturdays due to my husband's extra-curricular activities and work. When my 1st child was 5 months old, we were going on a much needed vacation to reconnect. Again, he invited his best friend (the one who came to visit after my son was born). I told him I did not want them to come, but he invited them anyway. The trip was a disaster. His friend and his wife argued constantly. My husband went out every night with them until 2:00 in the morning while I was in bed in the cabin (admittedly I was in my first trimester, was tired and I just wanted to sleep). When we got home, my husband told me I ruined the vacation because I was a wet rag. I was furious. A couple months later, I confronted him and told him I was miserable. I couldn't live like this anymore. Walking on eggshells all the time, seeing what mood I was going to be in based on his. Apologizing for everything. Feeling like a guest in my own home. He told me I was being ridiculous. Making a mountain out of a molehill. Acting like a drama queen. At the end of the 2 hour screamfest, he finally said he would change - he'd be better. A week later, he went out with his friend to a sporting event. He said he'd be back by 9:00. He didn't come home until 12:30 and was drunk as a skunk. He had driven like that. I was furious and went to sleep in our son's room but I couldn't sleep. I got up and wrote him a letter and said I was done. We had just talked the week before and then he pulled that crap. He also hit something on the way home (a guard rail) and acted like someone hit him in the parking lot. I left him the note, took our son out while he was still sleeping and stayed away the whole day. When I got home, he was begging for another chance. So I gave him one. Come to find out, he never was at the sporting event. The tickets were messed up and he ended up going to the bar with his friend drinking for 6 hours and then had a half hour drive home. I stayed with him again. More of the same. Constant criticisms, staying out until 2 or 3 a.m. at least once a week for months. When I was 37 weeks pregnant with our second child, he said he wanted to go to his best friend's (the same stupid friend) wedding. This was a 3 hour plane ride away. I told him I didn't want him to go because I was full term and could go into labor at any time. He told me I was being ridiculous and would probably go late. I also told him that I was so hugely pregnant that taking care of our 11 month old and being that pregnant was difficult. He went anyway. When he came home, I was exhausted from being pregnant and taking care of our other son. My dad had called and asked if he could bring over a screenhouse. I said sure. So my husband comes home from his trip and then my dad shows up. My husband screams at me because I had my dad come over with the tent. He said he didn't want to put the tent up right now because he was exhausted and hadn't slept in 3 days because of all the wedding festivities. I told him I was exhausted too - I was pregnant and taking care of his child while he was away. I just wanted a nap. He said "I bet I'm more tired than you are." I was so embarrassed in front of my dad. There were a few other instances over the summer.... we had our first son's 1st birthday party a week after our 2nd son was born. I tried to do as much as I could for the party, but I was still pretty sore (our son was 10 lbs!) He has been constantly throwing it in my face how much he did for the party. I helped put up the pools, did the food, did the shopping... I feel I did my part. And I was breastfeeding our newborn and taking care of our 12 month old while he did the stuff for the party. Then there was the time I found porn again and confronted him. I was 5 weeks post partum with our 2nd child. I was upset about it because he had promised he wouldn't do it anymore. He told me he was doing it because I wasn't having sex with him. I wasn't ALLOWED to!!!! Then he asked me what I was doing to better myself. There was another time over the summer when he and I got a babysitter and went out. He got rip-roaring drunk and basically got kicked out of the bar. I took drove him home and he started screaming at me in the kitchen while the babysitter was sitting in the living room. He kept saying how I was against him, just like everyone else. Again - I was so embarrassed. I sat him down AGAIN and told him that I was miserable. Couldn't live like this anymore. We have to go to counseling or something. He told me that I could go to counseling to find out what my issues were. September was bad. We argued a lot. One day we went to his parent's house for a party and our older son had not taken a nap ALL DAY so by the end of the day he was getting pretty sloppy. He fell asleep in the car on the way home. I went to grab him from the carseat when we got home and my husband told me to just put him down in his crib. I tried my hardest to keep him asleep, but as soon as we walked in the house, he woke up. My husband came in and saw that he was awake, yanked him from me and said, "Jesus f**king christ, how hard is it to keep him asleep from the car to the house?" Then he tried to calm him and he wouldn't calm down, so he threw him to the other end of the couch and kept his foot on him so he wouldn't move. I was furious. I picked up our son and took him upstairs, rocked him and got him back to sleep. I came downstairs and was shaking and told my husband that was the last time he would ever touch our child like that. He told me I was overreacting and he didn't throw him. He set him down. Again, I sat him down and told him how miserable I was. Same old thing - I am overreacting, I have post partum depression, etc. etc. etc. December was fairly bad as well. It all came to a head Christmas week. The monday before Christmas, he went out with his friends and came home around 1:30. I was feeding our younger son and I heard my husband downstairs cursing me. Saying I was "f'n lazy, a pain in the a**, worthless" I came downstairs and confronted him. He was mad because I didn't empty the dishwasher. Christmas Eve he came home late because he went to his friend's after work. We were supposed to be at my family's by a certain time. So we're running around trying to get ready... I had the baby upstairs with me and I thought he was watching our older boy. All of a sudden, my older boy comes in my room. He had gone upstairs by himself. I called to my husband to come get him. I thought he was taking him down the stairs with him. He ended up going down first and thought my son was following - he ended up falling down the stairs and twisted his ankle. My son was so upset and after 5 mins of him crying, my husband started yelling at him. Then my younger son was crying because the older one was upset and my husband forcibly tossed him in his carseat. The Saturday after Christmas, he wanted to go hang out with his friends - I said that was fine, but be home early because we were celebrating Christmas with his family the next day. I knew I had to do the boys' laundry, wrap the gifts and make cookies for the family while he was out. My younger son had a hard time going down so I didn't have time to do everything. I sacrified the cookies. The next morning I told him I didn't have time to do the cookies and he THREW A FIT. Started throwing stuff around, slamming chairs, etc. Told me that if it was my family, I would've found the time. Never mind the fact I did all the shopping, cooking, wrapping, etc. for all of our Christmas events. I sat him down the following week and told him I am done. It's counseling or divorce. He flipped out on me. Told me he has had it up to here with my bullsh*t. I'm a drama queen, I overreact, etc. etc. etc. Same sh*t, different day. After 2 hours, he finally agreed to counseling. We went to the counseling session and he denied every single one of my points. Tried to bring up my faults. The second counseling session was worse. He was belligerent with the counselor and told him that he thought he was "against" him. Third session, the counselor said he was surprised that we were even back there because he thought for sure the marriage was over. He said I am emotionally stripped. This action is me trying to save myself. He's right. I am totally beat down emotionally. I am seeing that my husband will never ever change. I told him 2 weeks ago that I wanted to go forward with the divorce. He begged me not to. Cried that he didn't want to lose his family. He'll do whatever it takes. I told him that he has to do the work in counseling and stop treating me that way! We had another session and the counselor thought a separation would be beneficial. He said I don't have an emotionally safe place. My husband insinuated he didn't want to leave the house because he thought I could hurt our kids. Just another way to manipulate! He finally left the house, but Monday night we got into another knockdown drag out and he hit below the belt again and again. It is totally clear to me that he does not even recognize he has a problem. I just want a divorce. I want to live in peace. But now he's been kissing my butt the last couple days and acts like everything is just peachy. How many chances do I have to give him???? He always finds a way to manipulate things so I feel bad for wanting out! Anyway, I guess I am just looking for validation or a kick in the pants.
TrustInYourself Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Real changes wont be for you. It will be for him. Leave him.
LostHusband Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Sounds like you have already given him too many chances already. These "sitting him down" sessions aren't working - he clearly believes its all empty threats and you will never follow through. He sounds like a horrible person and the only thing that will get through to him is leaving his sorry butt. I can't believe you've stayed this long. Don't let him manipulate you back to him either, it's obvious he isn't going to change. Let him have his friend to hang out with that's all he seems to want anyway.
lonelygurl Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 sounds like it is in your best interest to leave him. He is very abusive emotionally and controlling. Do you really want to live your life like that and expose your children to that abuse? get out now while they are so young and won't remember anything. He won't change. People say they will but they never do. I've just learned this the hard way.
Geishawhelk Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 He was - daily. He was telling me he had to work late and he was really looking at porn. One night I confronted him about it. Told him to just tell me the truth. He lied to my face. I told him I had proof. I showed him the proof. He flipped out on me telling me I ruined everything, how could he trust me again? I'd have been gone L-o-o-o-o-o-n-g before this. Don't hesitate, don't prevaricate, don't be persuaded by his lies, controlling. bombastic and bullying manner. LEAVE NOW. you're teaching your children it's ok to live like this. If they're boys, they'll be like dad. If they're girls, they'll be like you. Don't show them that it's ok, normal and acceptable to have the word 'doormat' spread across your forehead. Get out of there, fast, file for divorce and don't look back.
Author Edna07 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 Ok so now he is going to individual counseling for his anger issues. Last night we talked and he said that he had no idea how much damage he was doing to me by treating me or the kids like that. He said that he is 100% committed to working on his anger issues and is going to continue going to therapy even if I decide I don't want to work on the marriage. He said that he has to do this even if we're not together - for himself and for the kids. I just don't know if he is blowing smoke again or just giving me lip service!? I am so confused... on the one hand, I would hate to divorce and take my kids away from their dad (and vice versa) and then have him end up improving his life and regretting the split. On the other hand, I don't want to let him back in the house, let my guard down and be in the same position a couple months down the road. I guess my question is... do people REALLY change???
2sure Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 He is abusive to you and the children. He is a bully. To say you dont want to take the kids away from him is participating in the abusive. You are what they have, you have to protect them. This is no longer about what he does to you. What he does/says to you and how you feel are all WHAT IS BEING DONE TO THEM. He is a bully and finds no issue picking on the viulnerable and weak. His manipulation and control of you is simply to keep you vulnerable and weak. You have to divorce. If he gets therapy to manage his anger fine. It will take years. Once he has proved through an amicable divorce and safe visits with his children that he is a changed man - you can remarry him if you want to. You wont. Once you have tasted life without his hostility you wont want to risk it.
Enema Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 He said that he is 100% committed to working on his anger issues and is going to continue going to therapy even if I decide I don't want to work on the marriage. He said that he has to do this even if we're not together - for himself and for the kids. I just don't know if he is blowing smoke again or just giving me lip service!? Well, for me it would have been enough ages ago and all the platitudes and begging in the world wouldn't convince me to stick around. You've given him enough chances to change inside the marriage with no results. A good wayt o see if he is still blowing smoke is to tell him that you still want to separate. See if he continues counselling and changes on his own, when it's not just a carrot on a stick keeping you in the marriage.
whichwayisup Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 I guess time will tell. Right now he's reacting and will say anything. Has he actually made an appointment or has he just said he's going to seek counselling to deal with his anger?
Author Edna07 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 He had an appointment last week and he made another one for this week. I sure as hell am not letting him back in the house. I want to remain separated. I also changed my direct deposit so it goes into my personal account vs. our joint account. I am just waiting for him to show his true colors and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Ugh! I am so freaking codependent and I can't stand it!
Ramrod Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 Honestly, I didn't read the whole story, I got to the part about your son being born and the invited couple part and thought this woman is a masochist. Divorce now. My mother stayed with my father far too long. Today she regrets not killing him when she had the chance. They been divorced thirty five years and he's still a thorn in her side. Please don't make another baby with this loser. Move across country and leave him to his porn addiction.
guessjeans Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I didnt have to read the whole entire story before I knew exactly what you are going through. He is a classic NARICISSTIC. Read up on the web on the type of people they can be. I know, I lived with one for 26 yrs. He wasnt as bad at what you are describing, but its classic Narcissistic behavior. Know this! They are uncapable of loving anyone, including their children, because they dont love themselves. You are just Narcissistic Supply, until they find another supply that will feed their need for constant attention. He will eventually leave you when he feels your no longer feeding his need for full attention and control. The minute he feels he cant control you any longer, and that you dont feed his need for attention, he will devalue you and discard you. He is controlling, lying to you, and a lot of narcissistic men have a very high sex drive, that feeds them the control they need to get through life. Do you feel like you always loved him more than he ever loved you? Does he lack empathy? sounds like it to me. Ever question him, or critize something he does, and he rages back at you? Read up on the subject and discover exactly what you are dealing with. Then find a way to get out and never look back. This man will cheat on you, lie to you, devalue you and discard you on his terms, and without an ounce of remorse. Does he resent the attention you give the children and not him??
2sure Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Edna - you sound good. You sound strong. You sound angry at him and at yourself for being codependent. Keep rolling with this!!!!
Author Edna07 Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 guessjeans, yes, I read a book on narcissism and the whole time I'm reading it, I was thinking, "THAT'S HIM!" Yes, if I even gently criticize ANYTHING he does, he flies off in a rage. Everything has to be up to his standards and they are IMPOSSIBLE to meet. He also gets jealous of the attention I give the children.
KismetGirl Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 I would keep him out of the house for a LONG time, until he really shows he's changing. I don't know if you are in one of those states where divorce is really difficult unless both parties are amicable about it, but it would probably be for the best if you can do it. Make him pay child support, and perhaps arrange for monitored visitation with his children. A man like this will probably never change, and even if he did somehow have some epiphany moment, it probably wouldn't be for years anyway. It's hard with two kids to be on your own but your sanity and emotional well being, not to mention that of your children, will be far better off. I don't even have kids of my own yet but I know that the second a man, husband or otherwise, put his FOOT on my child to keep him on the couch while he's crying, his a** would be out the door and I'd get a restraining order against him. Which, to be honest, might not be a bad idea in your case if he starts to come to your house uninvited, because while his abuse appears to be mostly emotionally, throwing objects around the room can easily become throwing objects at you or the kids. This man is no good for you, at all. Get some close friends and family for some support, divorce him, and maybe one day in a few years if he's proven himself you can remarry, but as someone said above, i suspect that once you feel the relief of feeling like a human being again instead of someone's doormat of abuse, you'll be so happy you'll never want to see him again. You deserve better than what he's given you and there are plenty of good men out there who will gladly be with a kind woman and treat her right, whether she has two kids or five. Your husband sounds like a disgusting human being, treating you that way, and his friends sound as f**ked up as he does. Good luck.
TrustInYourself Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Get ready for blame/anger game. It's going to be alll your faulllt!
Author Edna07 Posted February 3, 2009 Author Posted February 3, 2009 That's so funny TrustinYourself. Everything already is! I push him to say/do these horrible things. Then he brings up stupid stuff that has no relevance to anything. He said he overcompensated while I was pregnant with our 2nd son because he emptied the catbox???? He also told me that he thinks I am mentally unstable.
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