Lee2 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Following on from my breakup thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t169298/ I've moving on with my life and I met this wonderful woman last Friday night. We went out on last night on our first date to see the movie Australia. She arrived 15 minutes late, that's cool, womans prerogative. We met for a drink in a bar first and I tried to kiss her hello but she said she didn't kiss on the first date. (that's ok. I respect that). Overall it was a great date and I felt good for the first time in ages but she kept going on about Hugh Jackman all night saying how much she liked him! We held hands about half way through the movie and that was nice but she didn't seem to wanna hold my hand properly back just sort of put her hand in mine but not really hold it. She did kiss me goodnight on the cheek when I said goodbye but still wouldn't let me kiss her! I asked if I could see her again and she said yes but she can't see me for 2 weeks as she is a teacher by day and works in a bar most evenings. She does have a busy life and explained to me what she was doing every day! As it's been years since I last had a 'first date' I guess my question is, shouldn't she want to see me again before 2 weeks (busy or not) or am I just been to eager and demanding? Strictly speaking I will see her on Friday & Saturday night as I'll go in the bar she works at but she is not supposed to go out with any of the customers so it makes it difficult to even give her a smile let alone engage her in conversation because her boss is always watching. Also she doesn't seem to wanna answer the phone when I call but she will text back eventually. I know she's had bad experiences and been hurt by boyfriends before so is she just taking it slow and being careful? She did say that recently she had someone stalking her and it really scared her. I was going to text her today after such a wondeful time last night but I didn't wanna see too pushy. This dating game seemed easier 15 years ago! I really like this girl and I don't wanna mess it up so any advise would be great. Thanks,
Author Lee2 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 I txt her twice today and she didn't txt back til later when she said she was working. Should I back off and give her time & space? Am i being too eager? I'll see her tomorrow night when she's working anyway. Any advise would be helpful. Thanks,
Star Gazer Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Here are the things that jumped out at me from your OP: 1. You shouldn't have tried to kiss her when you first said hello. That's moving way too fast, and far too presumptuous. 2. You shouldn't have tried to kiss her again at the end of the date. She had already told you she doesn't kiss on the first date, so doing so probably came across as pushy. 3. Holding hands on a first date is more than most people get. I'm not sure why you're complaining about her method of hand holding under the circumstances. 4. Movie dates are not a good idea for the first few dates - you can't talk to the person. In the future, wait 4-5 dates before hitting the silver screen. 5. How many times have you called her since? You saying "she doesn't seem to wanna answer the phone when I call" sounds like you've called her multiple times. You also texted her twice today. Why twice? Given what you've posted, she's probably thinking you're very aggressive. I'd back off a little, if I were you.
melodymatters Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I would say she is interested enough to go on a date or two, hold hands, but does not seem THAT excited about you. Yes, if a woman was really into you, she'd make time before 2 weeks. My only advice would be to back waaaayyyyy off, and perhaps that will make you appear more interesting in her eyes, but then again : do you WANT a relationship in which you have to play games ?
ColorCube Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Melodymatters speaks the truth At this point since she isn't as interested in you as you are in her then I would back off some, create some aloofness and then call her up in a week or so and see where she sits. If she doesn't taker then it is her loss and you need to move on. Make sure your conversations with her are upbeat and fun, no relationship talk.
ColorCube Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 1. You shouldn't have tried to kiss her when you first said hello. That's moving way too fast, and far too presumptuous. It was only a kiss, a hello kiss doesn't mean anything or create a speed issue. 2. You shouldn't have tried to kiss her again at the end of the date. She had already told you she doesn't kiss on the first date, so doing so probably came across as pushy. It was only a kiss, after the date happened, it wasn't like he was trying to sleep with her. 3. Holding hands on a first date is more than most people get. I'm not sure why you're complaining about her method of hand holding under the circumstances. What are we in 6th grade? 4. Movie dates are not a good idea for the first few dates - you can't talk to the person. In the future, wait 4-5 dates before hitting the silver screen. What are we in 6th grade? A movie date while not as intimate as a nice quiet dinner is a fine place to take a girl. 5. How many times have you called her since? You saying "she doesn't seem to wanna answer the phone when I call" sounds like you've called her multiple times. You also texted her twice today. Why twice? Star is right, stop calling her. Given what you've posted, she's probably thinking you're very aggressive. I'd back off a little, if I were you. You don't sound aggressive to me but Star is right in the fact you need to back off some.
Star Gazer Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 It was only a kiss, a hello kiss doesn't mean anything or create a speed issue. It was only a kiss, after the date happened, it wasn't like he was trying to sleep with her. I wouldn't want a man to try to kiss me hello on our FIRST date. And if I specifically told him that I don't kiss on the first date, to have him try to kiss me AGAIN later in the evening would straight piss me off. What are we in 6th grade? What are we in 6th grade? A movie date while not as intimate as a nice quiet dinner is a fine place to take a girl. What's with this 6th grade commentary? Plenty of people like to take their time getting to know someone before being cutesy (hand holding). Secondly, why go to a movie on a first date? How are you supposed to accomplish the goal of a first date - getting to know the person enough to know whether you want to see them again - if you're not even speaking?
Author Lee2 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 ok point taken. Time to back off. She is working at the bar tonight and i will be going in there with some friends like every Friday night, but this time i'll play it cooler and not talk to her too much. I really like this girl and i can see what you are saying now about backing off. For the record i haven't txt or called her today and don't intend to.
boldjack Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Lee, there is some good advice here. Star was right on about the movie, on the first date you should be in an atmosphere where you can communicate, a long dinner date followed by a walk is nice(weather permitting), art gallery, sporting event (as long as you can sit together, and the noise level is such so you can talk)Quite bar, something like that. Remember, DON'T do what she specifically told you not to do. If I were you, I wouldn't go to her bar tonight. Back up, see other people and wait. Don't call or text more than once a week at first, if she is truly interested, she will get in touch way before the week is up. Good luck
manugeorge Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 It's only been one date so relax, take a deep breath. I understand your eagerness especially coming from a break-up but you need to rein it in fast. Unless she has been a long-term close friend, you don't know anything about her so I'm not exactly sure what you really like about her after just one date. If she's into you, she'll be in touch. If she doesn't stay in touch, pursue other women. Just curb the over-eagerness though. It's a turn off to ANY woman or man for that matter.
Author Lee2 Posted February 1, 2009 Author Posted February 1, 2009 Update. I saw her last night in the bar. She thought that I had been staring at her the previous night in the bar and that's why she didn't reply to my calls or texts (I guess I'd had wayy to much to drink). I apologised for that and assured her I wasn't some creepy guy. She's said everything is still cool between us and we're still going out on the 10th. My question is now as I won't be seeing her until next Friday in the bar and won't actually be going out together until 10th how long do I leave it to call or text her? I don't want to seem overpowering but then again I don't want her to think I'm ignoring her.
redant Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 Lee, I think you are too eager and looking for someone to fulfill your needs/emptiness. I say this because you just broke up/separated. At this stage I don't think the girl you like should get involved with you. It's just that you do not know her and she is probably is not everything you are dreaming or fantasizing that she is. Your actions seem so desperate and I assume from your last post you were desperate for your wife a few months ago so I don't understand why you can't first calm down and then try looking for someone. That is my 2 cents.
melodymatters Posted February 1, 2009 Posted February 1, 2009 My 2 cents : Don't call OR text. You will see her at the bar next Fri, go up and say Hi and ask some small question about your date on the 10th. Then call a couple days before the tenth to set up specifics. DO NOT ACT OVER EAGER ! Let her wonder about you....
Author Lee2 Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 Thanks for the advice guys. She is a teacher by day and works in the bar most evenings so she has a very busy life so i'm not going to read too much into it if she doesn't call this week. I'll not call her either. Backing off is the way then?
Author Lee2 Posted February 5, 2009 Author Posted February 5, 2009 Update. Talk about an eventful 4 months. I found out today that my job is at risk and that either me or my colleague will be made redundant next week! Jeez. On a brighter note, I haven't called my her this week but she did text me to say she'd see me this weekend at the bar and that the date next week is still on. Question time. I know the cinema for a first date wasn't idea so I was thinking of suggesting a meal for the second date so we can talk and get to know each other better. Does that sound like a better idea?
fishtaco Posted February 5, 2009 Posted February 5, 2009 Don't worry about all that details of if you should have kissed her or not. That varies by person. One woman is this way, another woman is that way. There's no single solution. If the evening slightly went in a way that she wasn't expecting and she flips out over that, get out, chew your own arm off if you have to, she crazy. For most normal people unless something drastic happened, it doesn't matter. After all, both of you are testing each other out and finding boundaries and such. But as a guy, you ARE supposed to push forward and be aggressive, but at the same time you can't be annoying. So she said no, you back off, whatever. It's all good, doesn't seem like she's annoyed. But the feeling I get is you are too focused on her. She's doing the I can take it or leave it attitude. You should be too. However, I don't mean playing distance. During the date, it's all about her, don't be aloof, without going overboard creepy of course. But when you're not on a date with her, get her out of your mind. Repeat after me - she doesn't matter. How do you do that? Go date a different woman, or two. At least hit up on some other women. In fact, I bet she's multi-dating (completely legal, and good for both sides), that's probably why she's so "busy". Oh and the rule is don't ask don't tell. Just assume she's multi-dating, don't like ask her about it. And when you're multi-dating, you're "busy with work" too. But you have to keep the women on your roster separate. Like don't go to the bar you know she'll be at and start hitting up on other chicks because "you're not on a date with her" at the time.
Author Lee2 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Update, I found out today that I am definitely being made redundant. I finish work for the last time on Friday so it's job hunting time for the first time in 5 years. On the upside we are going out on our second date tomorrow. We are going for a meal. I am really looking forward to finally getting to know her. Can't talk in the bar and the cinema was a bad idea for a first date. My emotions are all over the place right now.
Author Lee2 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 I sent her a lighthearted text tonight saying I was looking forward to tomorrow night. Question...should I take a gift with me tomorrow?
fishtaco Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 That's your choice. But I can tell you this. You can't buy her interest with gifts. Don't think buying her gifts is going to increase your chances of successfully reaching whatever it is you're going for, it doesn't work that way. Your goal is to make sure she has a fun time with you. That she enjoyed your company, and that she would want to spend more time with you again. Buying her gifts won't accomplish that. But as long as you don't go overboard and freak her out, I guess gifts are nice gestures. Not my style though. My recommendation is save your money, don't bother with gifts. But you are not me. You have your own angle and approach. You do your thing, as long as you are aware of the cost-benefit factors of your choices.
Author Lee2 Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 You know fishtaco, I think you're probably right. I think it's time to get to know her and forget the gifts. She really is a great girl and the last think I wanna do it come on to strong. We're meeting in a bar tomorrow at 7.30 before the meal at 8.30. By the end of tomorrow I think we'll know if we're suited or not. Personally (and I have had a drink tonight so forgive the emotion!!). I hope she decides to see me again because I really like her. She seems special and someone I really want to spend time with. Life's been pretty bad to me over the past few months and I hope this comes off good....
Author Lee2 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Update. Went out last night for a meal and had a wonderful evening. After the first date (cinema) which I admit was not the best choice for a first date, it was good to be able to sit, talk and get to know her. I found out so much about her, including one thing which suprised me, that she is a burlesque performer in her spare time , which I thought was great (even better after seeing her website!!) !! I did ask her if she thought I came on a little strong trying to kiss her hello on our first date and she said a little, so I apologised for that. She told me that she had been hurt very badly last year when her boyfriend left her (about the same time as my wife left co-incidentally) so I can understand her wanting to take things slowly. Anyway we walked arm in arm as we left the restaurant and at the end of the date I kissed her on the lips goodnight. My next question is....we are going on our third date sometime next week. Where should I suggest? I was going to suggest somewhere during the day but in England right now it is absolutely freezing with snow everywhere so that may not be the best idea! Any suggestions?
Star Gazer Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 So you're looking for indoor activities where you can still chat, eh? Art galleries? Museums? Fundraisers/benefits?
Author Lee2 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Stargazer. Good suggestions, but in our town there is only 1 art gallery and 1 museum and they are both pretty small and pretty bad! So I don't think that will be the best thing to suggest. It may just end up going for a drink but I wanna avoid that if I can as there's always the risk of making a fool of yourself or saying the wrong thing. Any other suggestions?
Recommended Posts