not_a_happy_camper Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 For my own recovery, I would like to see her all the time, and then move to another girl as soon as I could. That would make me feel less pain during this time, I'm sure of it. When I've seen her since we broke up, I feel calm and good for 2 or 3 days afterwards. Do you not feel that's just like the "drug" hit? I've heard so many people here say that it's like an addiction. And it is. Suddenly you have to quit that person cold turkey. so any attention, or even just seeing them from afar kind of settles you........................but then you go back to wanting more? I felt that way for a while, that if I could keep seeing my ex, I would get over him faster. Mostly because the last time I saw him he blanked me. How more over could it be when that happens? I thought if I could keep seeing him blank me, it would settle things for me. I feel a lot stronger than I did yesterday. The urge to break NC is gone now. I'm having an angry day, way more productive! I got a call from a mutual friend last night.......................one who is living in the same town as him, I met her through him. I hadn't heard from her since a week after the break-up. Part of the reason I was upset yesterday (before the call) was that I was also missing out on the wonderful friends I had made where he lives now, that I couldn't see anymore. But she invited me down to visit her next month. It really cheered me up to know I haven't lost them as friends too. I don't know if I'll run into my ex. And right now I don't actually care.
mmk1 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I'm at Day 34 and I want to break NC every day (as the dumpee). What stops me is that she made it abundantly clear for 4 months post-breakup that she will not take me back, even though she'd love to be friends and we tried that. I finally told her I'm not interested in being friends and went NC. For those who want to "call and see" what's up, you already know. Whatever they told you the last time you spoke to them hasn't changed and your calling them won't change that. You will only regret calling, feel like s**t and feed their ego knowing even months later you still want them. DON'T DO IT!
Knight_Ctrl Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 NC was broken the other day with me. Yesterday specifically she called about something that she was concerned about I answered ONLY because it would've bothered me more if I didn't know why she called. I basically said "no I had nothing to do with that now never contact me again, I've done away with everything that ever had to do with us" And you know what? She sounded hurt, and aside from being pissed that she called, I didn't cry, I wasn't depressed. And a few hours later I was back to how I had been since my month 1/2 of strict NC. In the past I have always employeed NC, didn't really think about what I was doing but I was all about having nothing to do with my ex, and its always helped. Its taken a bit longer this round but once again its helping. It is also most definitly an active approach to healing, the amount of self control I've had to use at times when I wanted to contact her was astounding, I'm fully convinced that we are some of the strongest people I know. I don't believe that forgiveness is part of the healing process, I can't ever forgive her for what she has done to me. And more apparently how she went about doing it. And the fact that I KNOW I can never forgive her is just going to make it easier to keep her out of my life. Hold onto that anger fellas, it helps you more than you know. Dark Jedi etc. =p.
Truly Lost Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I am on day 23 of NC and not convince about it at all. All the advice and books say NC but if you love someomne is it the way ?. Isn't it just showing you don't really care that much anyway ?. I mean if you love someone and then cut contact surely they preceive that as if you don't give a damn and lessen the chance of any possible reunion ?. As you already know not contacting someone gives a person time to heal from being dumped. It also allows time for both people involved to assess what caused the break up and decide if a reconciliation is or is not possible. The only problem is two people are involved in this situation. If you are really desiring a second chance and you were the one who was dumped then you really should stick with the no contact rule. What are you going to say to your ex, "Please undump me!!", chances are you already have. You can only break no contact if you are ok and ready to be just friends. The person who did the dumping hopfully considered that there might be a time that they suddenly discover that they do miss you and want to work it out. Time will cure your broken heart, but you really have to let it. Don't let the person that is the object of your pain linger around you. It doesn't help. The person who did the dumping really is the one, in my opinion, who has the upper hand on this situation. They have to decide if they want to give the relationship a second chance. They were bold enough to initiate a break up so they gotta be the ones to decide if the relationship is worthy of a second chance. If the dumper never gets around to it then the relationship is doomed to be left stored on the shelf only to be considered as nothing but a thing of the past. Then there is the situation where you have no idea who did the dumping and the split was mutual. That....I just don't know when no contact should end. In this situation, either both couples are equally hurt or equally over it or both at the same time. If you're both hurt and full of the anxiety of losing love, then maybe its worth it to break no contact and see if you can reconcile, but you have to give it some time before you do. Its vital to the survival of the relationship. If you're not willing to change the behavior that led to the split then it will never work and another break up will happen. What ever you do, don't get back together for the sake of easing your pain. Another breakup will surely happen. The problem that existed in your relationship must be address and corrected.
jolly718 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 As you already know not contacting someone gives a person time to heal from being dumped. It also allows time for both people involved to assess what caused the break up and decide if a reconciliation is or is not possible. The only problem is two people are involved in this situation. If you are really desiring a second chance and you were the one who was dumped then you really should stick with the no contact rule. What are you going to say to your ex, "Please undump me!!", chances are you already have. You can only break no contact if you are ok and ready to be just friends. The person who did the dumping hopfully considered that there might be a time that they suddenly discover that they do miss you and want to work it out. Time will cure your broken heart, but you really have to let it. Don't let the person that is the object of your pain linger around you. It doesn't help. The person who did the dumping really is the one, in my opinion, who has the upper hand on this situation. They have to decide if they want to give the relationship a second chance. They were bold enough to initiate a break up so they gotta be the ones to decide if the relationship is worthy of a second chance. If the dumper never gets around to it then the relationship is doomed to be left stored on the shelf only to be considered as nothing but a thing of the past. Then there is the situation where you have no idea who did the dumping and the split was mutual. That....I just don't know when no contact should end. In this situation, either both couples are equally hurt or equally over it or both at the same time. If you're both hurt and full of the anxiety of losing love, then maybe its worth it to break no contact and see if you can reconcile, but you have to give it some time before you do. Its vital to the survival of the relationship. If you're not willing to change the behavior that led to the split then it will never work and another break up will happen. What ever you do, don't get back together for the sake of easing your pain. Another breakup will surely happen. The problem that existed in your relationship must be address and corrected. The Situation where the split was somewhat nuetral- Its been a month a month of NC, and I know she is already trying to pursue another man she slept with like a week after we broke up- Evan though she said she wouldnt date for a long time after, she slept with this guy the first night- We were in a 4 year relationship so part of me thinks she is doing this to mask the pain- (rebound) or not - Im shocked that she is doing all this it just doesnt seem like her- She is going out of her way to hook up with peaple it seems- Is she in pain or what?? HOW SHOULD I TREAT NC IN THIS CASE? any answers would be highly appreciated
Bluesters Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 NC is a psychological mindset you need to get into, yes, indeed it helps with your healing process and it also shows the girl/guy that dumped you that you are not being desperate or needy, which is a big turnoff to most women and most important , you can live your life without them, . I have the 118 page booklet written about the whole subject, it details when and when not NC she be put into use. If your interested just send me an e-mail. It has been very helpful.
techfan Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Bluesters, how do we email you if we don't have email access on LS? I am very interested in reading the NC booklet as I'm sure many others are as well. Thanks
Bluesters Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 Techfan, I'm not sure, but if you find out, I'll be glad to e-mail it to you
Bluesters Posted January 31, 2009 Posted January 31, 2009 The Situation where the split was somewhat nuetral- Its been a month a month of NC, and I know she is already trying to pursue another man she slept with like a week after we broke up- Evan though she said she wouldnt date for a long time after, she slept with this guy the first night- We were in a 4 year relationship so part of me thinks she is doing this to mask the pain- (rebound) or not - Im shocked that she is doing all this it just doesnt seem like her- She is going out of her way to hook up with peaple it seems- Is she in pain or what?? HOW SHOULD I TREAT NC IN THIS CASE? any answers would be highly appreciated You treat NC exactly the same way you are treating it now, the process just takes a little longer, thats all. I know it's hard
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