a_f_w Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Hi. I would like to hear some thoughts about this. As I see it, the aim of having a policy of No Contact (NC) towards an ex partner is twofold, or at least we hope that one will come to be: > It will help you to get over them faster and/or > It will make them miss you Right? So, I wonder when it is actually useful to acheive those aims. Let's think about different breakup scenarios. I am male and so will talk about "her" leaving me/you, but it may be different for men and women and so consider that as well: > You both agree to break up, but now you want her back > She initiates the break up, expressing whatever dissatisfaction with the relationship, and you want her to reconsider > She cheated on you, and you dumped her > You cheated on her, and she dumped you > She cheated on you and is still with that man > You broke up with her, non-catastrophically, and now want to try again and so on - think of others if you like. I think in some of those situations, NC is the least effective way to make them miss you, and perhaps not always the best way to help you get over them. Does anyone have any thoughts? I'll put my opinions in later Thanks
Ronni_W Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 There is no strategy to "make them" ("force them" to) miss you, because their feelings are generated by their own mind and heart. No amount of external influence, pressure or manipulative tactics is going to interfere with their inner processes if they don't want it to. The only productive goal of n/c is to give one's self the necessary physical and emotional distance to recover, heal and move forward. If they were going to miss you, they'd do that totally without any "help" or "forcing" from anyone else. Just like they don't need help to miss you, they won't be manipulated into it, either. N/C doesn't give you any control or power over their thoughts, perceptions or feelings.
Author a_f_w Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 There is no strategy to "make them" ("force them" to) miss you, because their feelings are generated by their own mind and heart. No amount of external influence, pressure or manipulative tactics is going to interfere with their inner processes if they don't want it to. The only productive goal of n/c is to give one's self the necessary physical and emotional distance to recover, heal and move forward. If they were going to miss you, they'd do that totally without any "help" or "forcing" from anyone else. Just like they don't need help to miss you, they won't be manipulated into it, either. N/C doesn't give you any control or power over their thoughts, perceptions or feelings. erm... yes I think we can all agree with that, but I'm not sure it was neccessary to state it. I must have worded my original post a bit strangely, perhaps. NC is an inherently passive strategy, so if it was employed with the hope that it would make someone miss you, it is not forcing them or manipulating them in any sense - it is in fact doing nothing at all, and leaving them entirely to their own emotions. So basically yes I agree with everything you said, but I'm not sure why you said it, exactly? I was talking about when NC is and is not useful.
Geishawhelk Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 She said it because of this: and/or > It will make them miss you Right? So, I wonder when it is actually useful to acheive those aims. Let's think about different breakup scenarios. I am male and so will talk about "her" leaving me/you, but it may be different for men and women and so consider that as well: > You both agree to break up, but now you want her back > She initiates the break up, expressing whatever dissatisfaction with the relationship, and you want her to reconsider > She cheated on you, and you dumped her > You cheated on her, and she dumped you > She cheated on you and is still with that man > You broke up with her, non-catastrophically, and now want to try again and so on - think of others if you like. I think in some of those situations, NC is the least effective way to make them miss you, and perhaps not always the best way to help you get over them. Does anyone have any thoughts? I'll put my opinions in later The sole reason people are either advised to go, or actually do go NO CONTACT is purely and simply for their own well-being. It is designed to help people heal, get over things and let go. The fact that sometimes it is not successful, is not the flaw in the process. It's the flaw in the person. NO CONTACT is not a judgemental or manipulative tool. It's just something to do designed with an end in mind. If it does - or doesn't work - then the perosn in NC is responsible for that success - or failure. Not the NC.
Zammo25 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 erm... yes I think we can all agree with that, but I'm not sure it was neccessary to state it. I must have worded my original post a bit strangely, perhaps. NC is an inherently passive strategy, so if it was employed with the hope that it would make someone miss you, it is not forcing them or manipulating them in any sense - it is in fact doing nothing at all, and leaving them entirely to their own emotions. So basically yes I agree with everything you said, but I'm not sure why you said it, exactly? I was talking about when NC is and is not useful. I am on day 23 of NC and not convince about it at all. All the advice and books say NC but if you love someomne is it the way ?. Isn't it just showing you don't really care that much anyway ?. I mean if you love someone and then cut contact surely they preceive that as if you don't give a damn and lessen the chance of any possible reunion ?.
Zammo25 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I am on day 23 of NC and not convince about it at all. All the advice and books say NC but if you love someomne is it the way ?. Isn't it just showing you don't really care that much anyway ?. I mean if you love someone and then cut contact surely they preceive that as if you don't give a damn and lessen the chance of any possible reunion ?. In fact I have wanted to contact her every hour of everyday for 23 days but have not as I read on here and books it is not the way to go. I am not convinced at all.
Author a_f_w Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 In fact I have wanted to contact her every hour of everyday for 23 days but have not as I read on here and books it is not the way to go. I am not convinced at all. Indeed. I think it needs to be considered on a case-by-case basis. If, for example, your ex partner had a problem with you not "loving" them, then NC probably will just confirm it for them. On the other hand if you loved them to bits and they knew it, but just didn't care about you in return (such as with me recently), then NC might be useful.
Zammo25 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Indeed. I think it needs to be considered on a case-by-case basis. If, for example, your ex partner had a problem with you not "loving" them, then NC probably will just confirm it for them. On the other hand if you loved them to bits and they knew it, but just didn't care about you in return (such as with me recently), then NC might be useful. How do you know. I want to send text to her just saying I still love you and miss you but everyone here says its wrong. If you love someone don't you keep trying until there is no hope ?. I am so confused with it all.
Geishawhelk Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I am on day 23 of NC and not convince about it at all. All the advice and books say NC but if you love someomne is it the way ?. Isn't it just showing you don't really care that much anyway ?. I mean if you love someone and then cut contact surely they preceive that as if you don't give a damn and lessen the chance of any possible reunion ?. Your purpose and objective are incorrect. Your NC is spot-on. But you're doing it for the wrong reasons. The fact you love them is more on your side than theirs. if they lovged you as much, they wouldn't have broken up with you, would they? NC is for your benefit, well-being and healing. It's not designed to show them anything. What you should be doing in NC is shifting your focus from how they feel, to how you feel. How they perceive you now is irellevant. They perceived you in a negative light enough to split with you. Why should the way they perceive you now be better? UNless they contact you and say, "I am so sorry, it was all my fault, I hope you can forgive me, can we ever try again?" You should put ALL thoughts of a reunion completely out of your mind, and think - "It's not going to happen!"
Geishawhelk Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 How do you know. I want to send text to her just saying I still love you and miss you but everyone here says its wrong. If you love someone don't you keep trying until there is no hope ?. I am so confused with it all. No, you don't keep trying, because there is already no hope. If there were she would have been in touch by now. If you keep trying you'll just alienate them more.
Zammo25 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Your purpose and objective are incorrect. Your NC is spot-on. But you're doing it for the wrong reasons. The fact you love them is more on your side than theirs. if they lovged you as much, they wouldn't have broken up with you, would they? NC is for your benefit, well-being and healing. It's not designed to show them anything. What you should be doing in NC is shifting your focus from how they feel, to how you feel. How they perceive you now is irellevant. They perceived you in a negative light enough to split with you. Why should the way they perceive you now be better? UNless they contact you and say, "I am so sorry, it was all my fault, I hope you can forgive me, can we ever try again?" You should put ALL thoughts of a reunion completely out of your mind, and think - "It's not going to happen!" I know your right but it hurts like pain I have never known. I need to accept I loved her far more than she loved me. After all, if she loved me she would not have dumped me no matter what. It makes me feel worthless, useless and inloveable. It has ruined my life as I know I will never subject my heart to this again. If and when I finally heal I WILL NEVER love someone again. Its not worth it and that is what is so hard to accept that its over for good for me to find true love.
Geishawhelk Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 .....The fact that sometimes it is not successful, is not the flaw in the process. It's the flaw in the person. NO CONTACT is not a judgemental or manipulative tool. It's just something to do designed with an end in mind. If it does - or doesn't work - then the person in NC is responsible for that success - or failure. Not the NC. I know your right but it hurts like pain I have never known. I need to accept I loved her far more than she loved me. After all, if she loved me she would not have dumped me no matter what. It makes me feel worthless, useless and inloveable. It has ruined my life as I know I will never subject my heart to this again. If and when I finally heal I WILL NEVER love someone again. Its not worth it and that is what is so hard to accept that its over for good for me to find true love. See, that's what I'm talking about. Zammo, the only reason you haven't moved on, is because you don't want to. You won't move on until you realise you need to Let Go. Until you make the decision to let go, you will keep feeling like this. People keep burning, because they won't let go of the red-hot poker. Simple.
Geishawhelk Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Zammo, I agree with you. I straddle the fence on this as well. I also read many times that if you want something, go and get it! But, you must know 100% that you are in it 100%. I am in NC because she said she wanted some time to be by herself. The best gift I can give her is just that. It has been good for me as well to assess my desires. I said my peace, she knows how I feel. My NC is to give her that space. It's the best gift I can give her. I am considering breaking it for Valentines day but will wait and see how I feel then. I already have the card purchased and the words written (though I edit it each day so as to ensure it is an "up" note and not a needy, pleading sort of thing. Do not break no contact. You may be doing it for her - very nice, very kind, very noble - but the moment you get back in touch with her, she will either ignore you, or make you feel bad for breaking NC. The reason she wanted "time by herself" is because she didn't want time with you. When she said she wanted time, she meant indefinitely. She never asked you or requested you give her time and space "until Valentine's Day".... She has never sent you any indication that it would be OK now, to break that. Has she? It won't matter how you word the card. She will still see it as an intrusion. An unwelcome one at that. A card from you, on Valentine's day is something she is probably dreading. Bad idea. Really, honestly, it is. In her shoes? I'd be really quite exasperated that you haven't gotten the message yet. The kindness should never be for others. It should be for ourselves.
audrey_1 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Do not break no contact. You may be doing it for her - very nice, very kind, very noble - but the moment you get back in touch with her, she will either ignore you, or make you feel bad for breaking NC. I have been NC since January 3rd. I got a multi-media text from him last Sunday, completely out of the blue. He had taken a picture with his phone of the cigar ash he was smoking - my favorite cigar, and he knows this. I can't download images people send me. My phone isn't online. I debated whether to leave it, not respond, but curiosity won out. I said I couldn't get it, so he responded about what it was - my favorite cigar ash. So I respond and say great smoke and you must have a new cameraphone. He responds yes, and yes. So I say something funny, on another topic, and what'd I get back? Nothing. It was all about his emotional feed in that moment. Nothing more. I kick myself for responding to it. It was all about him. Do not break NC. You will regret it. Move on and heal. Period.
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 How do you know. I want to send text to her just saying I still love you and miss you but everyone here says its wrong. If you love someone don't you keep trying until there is no hope ?. I am so confused with it all. Zammo I can see what you mean................and again, I don't know your situation, but....................I think it is wrong to do this. Telling her you love her and miss you won't make her come back if she doesn't feel the same way. There's no point in you telling her that if it's going to fall on deaf ears. She has to feel it back, and if she does, she already knows where you stand. And she'll let you know. I think the point of NC for you is that you don't offer yourself to her on a plate again..................because you'll only feel worse when it doesn't happen for you. Putting yourself out there constantly, and so soon, is only going to hurt yourself more. It's about self preservation here. I know it's not easy. I'm 3 months out of a relationship, there has been little contact from either side, (I'm the dumpee). I want to break NC now, but for different reasons. I"m not going to come out and tell him I love him. That's not the way to do it. That will push them further away when they don't want your love in the first place.
Geishawhelk Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 *sigh* Oh Audrey..... Audrey, Audrey, Audrey...... Thank you for being a perfect example and laying your pain on the line as proof positive that this is what it's all about. Damn.
audrey_1 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 *sigh* Oh Audrey..... Audrey, Audrey, Audrey...... Thank you for being a perfect example and laying your pain on the line as proof positive that this is what it's all about. Damn. Yes, I actually logged in to post it. Hope it helps...
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I think one of the good things about NC is not letting them see how hurt you are, or if you're still hurting. I know I cried a river as he was breaking up with me. If he knew I was still crying over him, I'd die. It's a pride thing, maintaining your dignity. I have cried so much over him. And unfortunately.................done so when out with friends. embarrassing. Can't say I maintained dignity that way. but at least he doesn't know. And I hope he never will. In saying that I'm still pondering breaking NC. Not decided. I know the risks involved, but I know that if I can get through the hurt of the last few months, I can get through anything. I definitely feel stronger, even though today I'm having a weak day. I'm going to sit on it a while. It's been three months..............it's not like there's a rush!
Trialbyfire Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 NC isn't intended to make them miss you. It's consistent effort to break the addiction and walk away. Having said that, there's a point and definitely not within the first couple of months, where you're strong enough that you can break NC. You'll find that most often, people will realize why they should have maintained NC in the first place. A wakeup call to regain determination to move on.
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 NC isn't intended to make them miss you. It's consistent effort to break the addiction and walk away. Having said that, there's a point and definitely not within the first couple of months, where you're strong enough that you can break NC. You'll find that most often, people will realize why they should have maintained NC in the first place. A wakeup call to regain determination to move on. TBF, I think that you're right here. I've been thinking of breaking NC. But I'm not sure why, kind of because I want to lay my cards on the table as to the chance of a reconciliation..................I don't know that we'd work. I would like to see if we could. But at the same time, I know that if he outright says no..................yes it will hurt. but it will also give me the drive to leave the situation. like you said, regain determination.
Ronni_W Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 NC is an inherently passive strategy, Not at all. N/C is a very ACTIVE strategy -- it takes hard work and much effort to work through one's own grief, and get to understanding, acceptance, forgiveness, etc. It's only when someone wants to use N/C to manipulate a reaction from another person that it feels as if it is a passive endeavour. It's an inaccurate view stemming from misguided intentions. I was talking about when NC is and is not useful. That part of your post was addressed when I said: "The only productive goal of n/c is to give one's self the necessary physical and emotional distance to recover, heal and move forward."
Author a_f_w Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Not at all. N/C is a very ACTIVE strategy -- it takes hard work and much effort to work through one's own grief, and get to understanding, acceptance, forgiveness, etc. It's only when someone wants to use N/C to manipulate a reaction from another person that it feels as if it is a passive endeavour. It's an inaccurate view stemming from misguided intentions. I recognised that when I said what I did, but didn't clarify it. I know NC is active for the person who is maintaining it, but in terms of what it might do to the other person (which is, apparently, not a suitable goal to have anyway) then it's passive in the sense that you are doing nothing to them, not telling them anything or trying to see them or give them any new information, but just letting them think however they will come to think.
Geishawhelk Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 The thing is Geisha, and you can beat me up if you want to, only I know this woman. Can't argue with that. I'm just going by ages-old advice that seems to work.But of course as ever, it's down to the person in the situation.... of course it is.... I know you have my best interests here and I appreciate it. Sometimes though, we just have to find out for ourselves. Nope, not 'sometimes'.... Always. Good luck. I hate to see buddies hurt.
Trialbyfire Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 TBF, I think that you're right here. I've been thinking of breaking NC. But I'm not sure why, kind of because I want to lay my cards on the table as to the chance of a reconciliation..................I don't know that we'd work. I would like to see if we could. But at the same time, I know that if he outright says no..................yes it will hurt. but it will also give me the drive to leave the situation. like you said, regain determination. It works as a form of closure for some people. Guaranteed, it will set you back. As long as you're aware of that, reliant on how long you've maintained NC for, you'll have no regrets of not trying or at minimum, determination to plow on and move forward.
Author a_f_w Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 I conciously chose at first not to employ NC, because basically NC can be begun at any time, whereas "Lots of Contact" kind of can't. I needed to strike while the iron was hot, while she still remembered me and us. Of course also at that point she was at the very most excited feelings with her new man, so maybe it was futile. But I said a lot of things I wanted to say, though not everything, unfortunately. I asked a lot of questions, received no satisfactory answers, heard a lot of lies, and then decided that approach is clearly not going to work. So now NC happens. Being in NC gets harder every day, and I believe things won't get easier until I can satisfy my addiction for female company and attention, which is what I'm now missing. I will be honest here and say that I am using NC for two main reasons: > I don't want to appear clingy and stalkerish. No matter how she left me, she has a new boyfriend and a new life now, and I would hate someone to be interfering with mine. > I think it has the best chance of letting her miss me (a very slim chance, however, seeing as she is not single). For my own recovery, I would like to see her all the time, and then move to another girl as soon as I could. That would make me feel less pain during this time, I'm sure of it. When I've seen her since we broke up, I feel calm and good for 2 or 3 days afterwards.
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