bunk2406 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Well here is the gist...I've been with my boyfriend for a year and 9 months. We had been together for 4 months and I found a internet conversation he had with his ex (of 3 years) asking her to send naked pictures of her to him. She didn't and the subject was dropped. He was drunk at the time (not an excuse I know), but I feel at a loss. It has been so hard for me to be able to completely let it go and think that everyone makes mistakes. Nothing happened literally, but that doesn't make it right. I know I can't keep this relationship going if I continue to be worried or doubt, but I know I love him more than anything and hope it was a one time mistake. Any ideas? Comments? Stories? Anything...
Dexter Morgan Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Get over it or no? yes, drop his sorry ass, then get over it.
mr.dream merchant Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Yeah there's really no gettin over that. He's shown you that he's a potential cheater and that he can't commit to you if he's asking for naked pictures of his ex. That shows you how interested in other women he still is, even though he's with you. He wants to have his cake and eat it to. That's a big no no and if you just "get over it" he's going to be confident in getting away with whatever future plans of infidelity he may have.
Author bunk2406 Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Even if he hasn't done anything since? A year and a half has gone by without any other problems...No I don't agree with it obviously...but we are in a long distance relationship...and have been since day 1. I just know he's an amazing guy...doesn't everyone make mistakes?
Geishawhelk Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 There you go now, making excuses for him. You come on, you post, you complain, you worry, you wonder... and wheen people come on and say yes, you're right to worry, drop-kick him to the kerb.... you come back in and say how wonderful he is and wasn't it just a mistake. What the heck do you want from us - ??
mr.dream merchant Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Even if he hasn't done anything since? A year and a half has gone by without any other problems...No I don't agree with it obviously...but we are in a long distance relationship...and have been since day 1. I just know he's an amazing guy...doesn't everyone make mistakes? Long-Distance Relationship? I give you props for even being able to sleep at night knowing that your SO is miles away from you, maybe hours, and he is a potential cheater. The risk isn't worth the hurt. And Long-Distance Relationships are blah anyways. Find you a nice strapping young man who'll do you some good, mentally and physically.
Author bunk2406 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 I appreciate all the comments. I mean it's hard to just drop someone you really do care about...who really didn't cheat on you. He also wasn't completely faithful. I know not all guys are cheaters, I know everyone makes mistakes and what I'm asking is because a little slip up like that happened once...does it mean it will happen again? Does a drunk moment mean they can't be a truthful and respectful boyfriend. You know...I can't believe I'm in the relationship as well. The fact all of that happened and just in general to be in a long distant relationship...its hard. But from the first night I met him there was something different...something about him that made him seem like it could work. Yet even after that happened...i'm still with him...because I see something...idk.
sw1911ct Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Well I disagree with everyone being so sure that you should drop him over this. I have an open thread up right now that describes how I did just what he did to my own S.O. I know that what I did was terrible, but good people DO sometimes do bad things, and that's what forgiveness is for. I would expect you to still hold him accountable for it and he has pretty much lost the right to be defensive over anything like this you confront him about in the foreseeable future. He has also lost the right to any more chances on this kind of thing. If he has already straightened up and flown right for the last 18 months I'd say he probably learned his lesson already and is continuing to try to prove that to you. I won't TELL you what to do like some of the other responses you've gotten. But I will give you this ADVICE: I would say if I were you and you want to believe in him then chalk this up to a one time occurrence that he is sorry for and don't pull the plug until you have another reason to. I try not to judge someone by the worst thing they've ever done, or done to me. And I'm not going to address the long distance issue because it sounds like that is what you signed up for in the beginning and not what you're asking advice about today.
Geishawhelk Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I appreciate all the comments. I mean it's hard to just drop someone you really do care about...who really didn't cheat on you. He also wasn't completely faithful. I know not all guys are cheaters, I know everyone makes mistakes and what I'm asking is because a little slip up like that happened once...does it mean it will happen again? Now how the hell should we know....? Does a drunk moment mean they can't be a truthful and respectful boyfriend. Let me tell you something: There's a difference between someone who in a blind-drunk moment does something out of character, but can't honestly remember a thing - which indicates it was uncharacteristic and that they were caught by an odd moment (This usually happens in the company of others, and is prompted by something they do or say) and someone who in a moderately drunk moment does something out of character - but remembers every minute. This is not as uncharacteristic as you might think. They merely acted because they dropped their guard. They knew what they were doing, but enjoyed the moment and carried on..... It's not what he did. it's that he did it whilst drunk. That shows a lack of self-control. tell him to not drink and to watch himself. You know...I can't believe I'm in the relationship as well. The fact all of that happened and just in general to be in a long distant relationship...its hard. But from the first night I met him there was something different...something about him that made him seem like it could work. Yet even after that happened...i'm still with him...because I see something...idk. Well ok. if you see something, fine. Your perception may be spot-on, or it may be flawed. Time will tell. But you need to have a good talk and read him the riot act. You need to lay on the line what you stand for, what you will stand for, and what you won't stand for. Don't be a simpering wussy-ninny. I'm still trying to work out what the feminine equivalent of "man up" is - but you need to do it.
JaydaLeah Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Well im in a LDR too and if my bf does that just 4 mths into our relationship, i have no qualms asking him to scram. But I can also understand why you want to give him a second chance bcoz you love him. Alas, its been so long since that incident and these months should be enough for u to assess if he is worth your trust again. At this juncture, since its been so long ago, get over it. But should you find out or smell anything fishy, please, time to say gdbye.
unacceptable62 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Get over it or no? yes, drop his sorry ass, then get over it. I know that I haven't spent much time at all at this forum, but I have already realized that you are very, very unforgiving, am I right? Relationships should not be broken off in the blink of an eye.
You'reasian Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I RECEIVED naked pictures recently from someone I DID NOT ASK OF THEM!!! This was completely out of character from the individual - I texted and called her back to confirm that she sent these to me and the response I got was in a style using words completely different than how she responds. I think someone's trying to play a prank?
Dexter Morgan Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Even if he hasn't done anything since? A year and a half has gone by without any other problems...No I don't agree with it obviously...but we are in a long distance relationship...and have been since day 1. I just know he's an amazing guy...doesn't everyone make mistakes? Look, you can justify it whatever way you want if you are determined to keep him for whatever reason. but lets look at it point by point: Even if he hasn't done anythign since? First, how do you know he hasn't. 2nd, even if he hasn't, he has shown he can cheat and is more than capable of it. Doesn't everyone make mistakes? sure...I mispell my words alot, forget to put the toilet seat down, make an error in my checkbook from time to time. But cheating is not a mistake. He did it because he wanted to do it. But if you are looking for a reason to stay with him, then just do it.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I appreciate all the comments. I mean it's hard to just drop someone you really do care about...who really didn't cheat on you. Sure he did, he is cheating emotionally. And if you don't think if the perfect opportunity arose where he could meet up with you and think you wouldn't find out about it....he'd be on her like a sweat bee on a soda straw. he may not have physically cheated, but he would if given the perfect opportunity. He also wasn't completely faithful. I know not all guys are cheaters, I know everyone makes mistakes and what I'm asking is because a little slip up like that happened once...does it mean it will happen again? Yup, only he'll be more careful to cover his tracks. Does a drunk moment mean they can't be a truthful and respectful boyfriend.[/qutoe] Being drunk isn't an excuse. Actually, being drunk brings out someone's true nature. I have been all kinds of drunk and never cheated and new exactly what I was doing.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I know that I haven't spent much time at all at this forum, but I have already realized that you are very, very unforgiving, am I right? when it comes to cheating an betrayal, no, I am not very forgiving. But even if I could forgive someone for cheating, I'd still would break up with them. I broke off a relationship where I wished her well in the past. No hard feelings, I just didn't want to be with someone that would disrespect me or cheat. Simple as that. Relationships should not be broken off in the blink of an eye. Well then they can stay with the person that is disrespecting them and simply put up with their sh#t and be happy with it.
unacceptable62 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 But asking for naked pictures from your ex is not full blown cheating. Especially when she said that she knows that it didn't go further than that. I suppose I am more in support of working things out than just dropping everything immediately at the first sign of a problem.
Author bunk2406 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 That's what makes it so irritating. I do trust him...but from past relationships of actually being cheated on...its the worst feeling in the world. And fearing that it may happen again w/ my current bf is what makes this all an issue. Yes he showed signs that he does/had potential to cheat...but he knows how bad it hurt me and he's still with me wanting and trying to make it work. Like it was said..it wasn't full blown cheating...but it was ****ty and makes me feel like **** at times. I do love him and I know he's not like everyone else, I believe him when he tells me things and I have and am trying to work it out. He knows that if anything like that or on any other level would happen again its done...no more working it out..and he respects that.
unacceptable62 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Try putting naked pictures of yourself on his computer, that way he will always have something to look at
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