same sh*t, different day.......

[not_a_happy_camper]

I "left" here last week, thinking I was ok. I know I'm going to have my ups and downs, and it's going to take time. I find myself back here again anyway. Feeling the urge to break NC.............for not good reason I can think of. It's the same story over and over again, I feel like a broken record. I sat down last night and read through all my posts here. They all sound the same. putting blame on myself, should I let him know? Now I've forgiven myself for my own actions while we were together, I believe they were justified, even if the outcome wasn't what I wanted. Then it was, maybe he's too proud to contact me, because I told him I never wanted to be with him again, I changed my mind and I want to let him know, so that if he is too proud, at least I'd make it easier......................why should I do that for him? Make it easier when he hurt me so much................and I don't even know. I'm sure he's out with plenty of other girls now, he's never been short of offers. I was about to say he's probably forgotten my already................I don't know. He did send me a message not meant for me...................which lead to another post here......................wondering why, should I break NC to talk and see was there more to it? Everyone else here will say if there was, he'd let me know. Then I make excuses again, he's probably too proud...................

 

So yeah, I sat and read my posts here. I read everything I wrote in my journal around the time of the break-up. I brought out the photos I'd hidden two months ago. All because I'd been thinking of contacting him, and I was trying to give myself a reason to do so or not. So I got myself upset. Hadn't really been upset in a while about it.................but I think I needed to get upset again. And I got angry. Realising how much he hurt me again. I vented so much on the "post here instead of contacting your ex" board, that I felt I got a lot of it out of my system. But in doing so, it was like I forgot about the pain? It was certainly therapeutic! But why did I feel the need to drag it up all over again? Well it put me off contacting him again.......................I hadn't told friends or family I wanted to contact him again until last night, I told my best friend from college, who said outright NO. I know that's what everyone here will say too. I don't know. I"m having a bad day again. I woke up this morning and the sun was shining (hasn't shone here in ages!) and for a few minutes I felt good until I remembered this time last year, waking up beside him in the same light, and heading to the beach, walking and holding his hand. wondering now where did it all go wrong that he should treat me the way he did. when everything had been so good. This feels like I'm peeing into the wind (if girls could do such a thing, I don't know, but ya get me?). He's getting on with his life. I have heard nothing about what he's doing which I know is a good thing. But he had so much more to go back to than me. A life that I had made as well. The same friends, the same places, he has a job, and a car.....................meanwhile, I've lost out on those friends (we were long distance), those places..............I'm still looking for a job unsuccessfully, there's just nothing going. and I'm waiting on a driving test, but living at home because I have no job. Everything that could have gone wrong in the last 6 months did. And him leaving me was the final blow.............

 

I feel a change would do me so much good. And I'm trying so hard to make that happen. everything just feels so stagnant, like there's nothing more I can do.

 

I don't know.........................I'm still on that kind of want to contact him page. even after last night, after reading through everything, where I felt then that NO, i shouldn't do that. what's wrong with me today? Why do I still want to contact him? I don't know what would come from it. I keep thinking again, that after all I said he's too proud, if he had any feelings left, to let me know..........................when the truth is he probably doesn't. I keep thinking that if I could see that for sure.................I'd move on. yeah everyone here says "closure comes from within". How bloody deep do I have to look?!

[Geishawhelk]

...... yeah everyone here says "closure comes from within". How bloody deep do I have to look?!

Just below the surface. Not deep at all.

But have you ever looked for something, suddenly seen it right infront of you all along and felt a complete idiot?

 

It's there. Right there.

There's no point even looking, because it's there all the time, in plain sight.

[not_a_happy_camper]

Just below the surface. Not deep at all.

But have you ever looked for something, suddenly seen it right infront of you all along and felt a complete idiot?

 

many times. I don't know what it is I'm looking for. It hurts so much. I just don't understand how for the first month after we broke up, I was so against ever being with him again, ever seeing him, ever having anything to do with him..............to within a very short space of time, wanting to see him, wanting him to come back, and thinking he probably won't because of my actions. He dumped me, and said at the same time he'd regret it. blah blah blah. so I said we'd never be together again. and he said he was miserable without me, and it hurt to hear me say that. I keep rehashing everything. I know it's not healthy. I've seriously tried active thought replacement. replacing happy memories with sad ones. replacing any thought of him at all with thoughts of what I want to do now we're not together anymore. But it feels like I can't make any plans do to lack of work and finances......I know a change will be good if only it would come about. Seriously praying for that to happen. I haven't put my life on hold in the hopes he'll come back..................it just seems to have gone that way all by itself. I just don't know why I feel this way anymore. I'm going for a walk now. endorphins and all that.

[techfan]

Even if you dont have money to do a lot of activities there are plenty of things you can do to take your mind off him. Just like going for a walk, etc.

 

The hardest part for me is replacing the moments that i wanted to talk about or share now with someone whom i cannot contact anymore.... thats the big issue. You need to find ways to meet new people, not for a relationship but just to put new energies and personas into your life..... find a way to do new things. As much as i have learned here in a few short weeks, this is the time to create yourself anew.

 

Do something you wanted to do but never did, and as you build up these new talents/hobbies/activities know that your enjoyment for them and you doing them came first off, from you and secondly, without your ex.

 

The more new things you can do the more it will help. Takes time and effort no doubt.... but when things get tough post here and there will always be helpful peeps to guide you the right way.

[electriclove]

I feel your frustration and can totally understand what you're feeling.

I've felt that I've been making real progress in getting over the break up. Everything was getting more bearable and the good days were starting to outweigh the bad ones, but for some reason the pain and angst is back again with a vengeance this week.

 

I just feel so...empty and my desire to contact him is stronger than ever. The thing is I don't even know what I would say, he already knows how I feel. Still, it would be nice to just hear his voice and find out what he's been up to. There's a big decision I need to make soon about a career move, which is troubling me, and it makes me sad because my first instinct is to contact him for advice. He was the one person who always used to be there for me and, even now 4 months down the line, I can't accept the fact that he isn't in my life anymore. He's never coming back.

 

Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing NC because I really don't think its helping me get over him. The only reason I haven't called him is because I figure if he had anything he wanted to say to me/any regrets he would ring me.

 

I don't know what to advise you camper because I'm on the brink of caving too. Perhaps we are struggling because both of our lives are lacking in other areas as well. Like you I'm living at home, don't have a car or many close friends. I have a job, which I'm grateful for in this current economic climate, but I'm not happy in it. In fact, the fact I was so depressed about my job led to a lot of tension in my relationship with my ex and probably helped bring about the break up!

Everyone keeps telling me to look on the positive side of life, but its hard when not much is right with it.

[not_a_happy_camper]

here's where I'm also stuck...................living in the country without a car? isolating in itself. everything is just so wrong. I want him back so much it hurts. I just feel like I've come to a mental block, a hurdle I can't get over anymore. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I really am trying. I"m heading away with friends this weekend, so I'm really looking forward to that. But I don't want to bring them down by getting upset over all this again. Its not fair on them to see me crying again, they've seen enough of that. I hate this so much.

[not_a_happy_camper]

I feel your frustration and can totally understand what you're feeling.

I've felt that I've been making real progress in getting over the break up. Everything was getting more bearable and the good days were starting to outweigh the bad ones, but for some reason the pain and angst is back again with a vengeance this week.

 

I know I've made a lot of progress too electric, and I'm actually so proud when I look back. I know that I can do without him. I miss him terribly, but I am getting on ok without him. I'm having a crap day though! I've forgiven him his mistakes. And forgiven me my own. And I've come a long way in the three months since we broke up. I had hoped to know longer need to post here, but still I find myself needing to get stuff off my chest.

 

I just feel so...empty and my desire to contact him is stronger than ever. The thing is I don't even know what I would say, he already knows how I feel.

 

I want to contact my ex too, but I can't understand why. I've been repeating myself on this board for weeks now over the same things. And I do listen to what people are saying, which is not to contact him. And that puts me off contacting him...............for a time until the same things crop up again on a day like today. and like you I don't know what I'd say. I was thinking I'd just send him an email saying that if he's ever home and feels like a coffee, to let me know. because he doesn't know how I feel. I sent an email saying I never wanted to be with him again, a few weeks after he dumped me. and that's how I felt for a month after.....................but now it's different. I know that I can't make him comeback. I guess I just want him to see me, so I can look happy and make him realise he's missing something. I'm not going to be the person to suggest we get back together. Because that's letting him see the way he treated me was ok, but it wasn't. I'd have my terms. I know it has to be him that comes back. That's why I know what i'm saying is so ridiculous.

 

 

Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing NC because I really don't think its helping me get over him. The only reason I haven't called him is because I figure if he had anything he wanted to say to me/any regrets he would ring me.

 

I don't know. I know NC is certainly helping. It wasn't a concious decision, it happened that way on both sides. broken a couple of times, but nothing substantial. I haven't called him because I can't take the rejection I got the first week after the break up. I only sent two messages then. It was the lack of reply that spoke volumes. then I sent the email saying I'd never be with someone who wouldn't make the effort.

 

I don't know what to advise you camper because I'm on the brink of caving too. Perhaps we are struggling because both of our lives are lacking in other areas as well. Like you I'm living at home, don't have a car or many close friends. I have a job, which I'm grateful for in this current economic climate, but I'm not happy in it. In fact, the fact I was so depressed about my job led to a lot of tension in my relationship with my ex and probably helped bring about the break up!

 

You're not alone electric. I know how that feels. I have a lot of friends around, but I don't want to keep bothering them with this, it's not fair on them. they have their own lives. and you are so lucky to have a job.............recession sucks. Like you, I feel that the lack of job lead to tension in the relationship. as well as the fact that I"m living at home. I'm 25 but have staunchly catholic parents, who wouldn't entertain the idea of my boyfriend staying over. It meant that when he was home here, we didn't get that much time together. So I spent a lot of time staying with him where he lives now. I did all the travelling. That drained me. And that caused tension too. I can see how much was wrong. But there's so much I wanted to try and fix. I wish he wanted to as well.

 

Everyone keeps telling me to look on the positive side of life, but its hard when not much is right with it.

 

Ditto. This is exactly where I am. hugs to you, I relate to this so much. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself. I realise it's self indulgent. But I also acknowledge how hard I am trying to make things better for me in my life, but just how hard it is to do so at the minute.

[electriclove]

Ditto. This is exactly where I am. hugs to you, I relate to this so much. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself. I realise it's self indulgent. But I also acknowledge how hard I am trying to make things better for me in my life, but just how hard it is to do so at the minute.

 

Like you, I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself especially when there are so many people out there that have it worse than me. I know I need to buck up my ideas and stay strong. It's tough but comforting to know that I'm not the only one struggling!

 

I've listened to a lot of peoples advice on here too and I haven't contacted the ex in over 2 months. He rang me at the start of jan and we had a good chat but that's it. I've learnt my lesson not to keep reaching out to him, begging, pleading, crying and all of that. However, I do think it's important to lay your cards on the table. I left my ex in no doubt as to how I felt about him. I told him I loved him, wanted to work on the relationship and that I thought he was making a mistake.

People on here might say that this was a bad move on my part but I have no regrets. As my dad says, I did everything I possibly could to fight for what I believed in and he says that when I look back on this at least I can say I did everything I possibly could to change his mind.

 

It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved feelings and he isn't aware that your feelings have changed. Maybe breaking contact wouldn't be such a bad idea to let him know how you feel. You don't have to suggest you get back together, if he treat you badly, but you could reach out and let him know you don't feel the same anymore. It's a gamble of course and if you reach out, he may act indifferent and reject you. Leaving you feeling like your heart's been torn out of your chest all over again. This is pretty much how I felt when I opened up to my ex and he rebuffed me. But at least then I knew I had done everything in my power to get him back.

 

I've always followed my heart instead of my head. From this break up I've realised I need to strike a balance between the two. But sometimes the situation calls for you to follow your heart...

Of course your situation is probably very different mine. When we broke there was no 3rd party involved apart from some silly crush, which has since amounted to nothing. He basically was sick of the drama, my insecurities and the arguments. Plus, he was having a semi mid-life crisis at the age of 23, which made him start to question his life and where he was going.

[GloryDays]

Boy o boy do I feel your pain. Except my ex contacted me last Thursday AND Friday and I didn't respond...I stayed NC. Now it's really upsetting me and I am sitting here wishing he'd contact me just one more time so I can say what I want to say back to him.

[not_a_happy_camper]

Like you, I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself especially when there are so many people out there that have it worse than me. I know I need to buck up my ideas and stay strong. It's tough but comforting to know that I'm not the only one struggling!

 

same, definitely comforting!

 

I've listened to a lot of peoples advice on here too and I haven't contacted the ex in over 2 months. He rang me at the start of jan and we had a good chat but that's it. I've learnt my lesson not to keep reaching out to him, begging, pleading, crying and all of that.

 

I stopped reaching out after that email which was two weeks after the break-up. Because I realised there was no point, I was only going to get slapped down. He sent me a message at christmas to which I replied. He sent me a message meant for his best friend (accident or not?..........) two weeks ago. I sent him a message the same week because it was his dad's anniversary. just to let him know I was thinking of him. I"ve never begged him. I won't either, I told him when we were breaking up that I thought he was making a mistake, and I wanted to keep things going, but I didn't beg or plead. Won't do that. It was anger that made me send the email saying we'd never be together again. I fully meant it at the time, but it wasn't an angry email. I was very careful not to come across as bitter or angry. even had it proof read by a close friend!

 

However, I do think it's important to lay your cards on the table. I left my ex in no doubt as to how I felt about him. I told him I loved him, wanted to work on the relationship and that I thought he was making a mistake.

People on here might say that this was a bad move on my part but I have no regrets. As my dad says, I did everything I possibly could to fight for what I believed in and he says that when I look back on this at least I can say I did everything I possibly could to change his mind.

 

I don't think you made a mistake telling him so. In any break-up there's always going to be one person who doesn't want it to happen. It's only fair that you get to state your case too. I hate this thing about "giving them an ego boost". true in some circumstances, but it's not always an easy decision for the dumper to make, sometimes they've been thinking it for a while, others it's a rash decision and sometimes a mistake. the dumpee can't always know that at the time. the rules here are too general! if only they could be specific to each individual break-up!

 

It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved feelings and he isn't aware that your feelings have changed. Maybe breaking contact wouldn't be such a bad idea to let him know how you feel. You don't have to suggest you get back together, if he treat you badly, but you could reach out and let him know you don't feel the same anymore. It's a gamble of course and if you reach out, he may act indifferent and reject you. Leaving you feeling like your heart's been torn out of your chest all over again. This is pretty much how I felt when I opened up to my ex and he rebuffed me. But at least then I knew I had done everything in my power to get him back.

 

I know it's a gamble. and I feel the longer I put it off, the greater the gamble. but the over-riding thing is the fear of rejection. Even though I know it can never hurt me as bad as the break-up itself. oh I don't know. I know if I could randomly bump into him it would be better, but since we were long distance, that won't happen. If we're to meet, it has to be arranged.

 

 

I've always followed my heart instead of my head. From this break up I've realised I need to strike a balance between the two. But sometimes the situation calls for you to follow your heart...

Of course your situation is probably very different mine. When we broke there was no 3rd party involved apart from some silly crush, which has since amounted to nothing.

 

There was no third party involved in our break-up either, that I'm certain of. As to whether he's in a relationship now or not.................I don't know. I can see him trying to get back out there and having a few meaningless flings.............but that's it. I know him well that way, I know a lot about his past with girls. He's no casa nova by a long shot, but he's a lad! I don't know how that makes me feel.

 

 

He basically was sick of the drama, my insecurities and the arguments. Plus, he was having a semi mid-life crisis at the age of 23, which made him start to question his life and where he was going.

 

I got crappy excuses, that I wasn't happy with. Not that i'd ever be happy with any excuse he gave me, but if they were more specific to the relationship, if he could have shown me exactly where he thought things had gone wrong, I'd have thought better of him. again......................wish we could have talked!

..................................

[not_a_happy_camper]

Boy o boy do I feel your pain. Except my ex contacted me last Thursday AND Friday and I didn't respond...I stayed NC. Now it's really upsetting me and I am sitting here wishing he'd contact me just one more time so I can say what I want to say back to him.

 

What did he say to you Glory?

[GloryDays]

Camper- Thursday was a text with my name and then a ? after it. I didn't respond. Then Friday was "It's apparent you don't want to talk to me so I wont bother you anymore. I wish you the best for the future."

 

It has been SO HARD to not say anything. I heard he was out at a bar last night again drinking heavily (wasn't like this the whole 2 1/2 years we were together). He rarely ever used to go out. I'm just so down. Don't you feel so helpless at times? I do. My mom and friends keep telling me just move on, get over it etc. They are so sick of hearing about it.

[not_a_happy_camper]

Camper- Thursday was a text with my name and then a ? after it. I didn't respond. Then Friday was "It's apparent you don't want to talk to me so I wont bother you anymore. I wish you the best for the future."

 

It has been SO HARD to not say anything. I heard he was out at a bar last night again drinking heavily (wasn't like this the whole 2 1/2 years we were together). He rarely ever used to go out. I'm just so down. Don't you feel so helpless at times? I do. My mom and friends keep telling me just move on, get over it etc. They are so sick of hearing about it.

 

 

same glory, my friends and family are sick of hearing about it too. I can understand though.................it's not easy to see the people you love hurt so much. I feel guilty putting them through it at this stage, that's why I'm spending so much time here. They seem to think I'm doing fine now! If only they knew!

 

I think you were right not to respond to that message. And it's hurting you now, because you got that attention from him but it's gone again. I know it's hard to not reply and say all you wanted to say. But to me, it sounds like he was looking for attention. Honestly...............what could you have possibly replied to the first message he sent you? What did he expect? It was a silly text in the first place......................and the next one he sent you was because you damaged his ego by not replying. and also a way of baiting you to reply. You did the right thing. do not rise to his bait. And do not feel guilty. It hurts now, but it would be hurting you more if you had replied. Feel good that you didn't.

[Goatsbreath]

Then it was, maybe he's too proud to contact me, because I told him I never wanted to be with him again, I changed my mind and I want to let him know, so that if he is too proud, at least I'd make it easier......................why should I do that for him? Make it easier when he hurt me so much................and I don't even know.

 

The truth is, if he had it in him, the determination and will, the energy and drive to reconcile the love you shared then it would overcome any notions of being too proud. Don't kid yourself and make the mountain back to you any less steep. If he chooses to climb it he better pack some sharp ideas to claw his way back into your heart.

[Geishawhelk]

I hate to say it people, but pity-parties like this don't actually help you.

It's all very well coming in and bemoaning your losses, but by your own admission, those closest to you, and around you "are sick of hearing it."

 

Aren't you sick of living it?

Aren't you tired of giving your own personal power and well-being to someone who gives a rat's @$$ about you?

Aren't you weary of abdicating control for how you feel to someone who isn't even part of your life any more - ??

 

"By all means call on God, but at least row AWAY from the rocks!"

 

You can keep coming here and reporting current status all you want - of course you can - but ultimately - guess what?

You have to harden up and shake it off yourselves.

Nobody can do it for you.

Now, you have to cut a fine line about the choice of people you mix with.

 

You keep the company of those who feel exactly the same way you do - and you find you get stuck in maudlin emotions, crying into your beers together - or

you mix with high-five, positive, chirpy, optimistic life-lovers, who in the end, whilst they understand you're feeling down, actually couldn't give a damn and have no wish to either carry you or give any consideration to your glum mood.

 

Find a happy medium.

Mix with those who have empathy and see your pain, but who know that ultimately, Life goes on, it's worth living, spring is here and at least you're upright, walking and in control of all your faculties!

 

Except, it would appear, your hearts.

You need those back.

So grab 'em back from those who are stomping all over them, rinse them off, wash and dry them lovingly, and take charge.

 

Come on people - lighten up!!

[not_a_happy_camper]

thanks geisha.................I think!

 

The urge to break NC is gone now anyway. Look, I know I'm getting better, I've progressed so much. Not obvious here, since I usually come on to moan, but I really have. I come here when I need to indulge! And it does work, because I get it out of my system. I'm not a constant pity party. But I have my moments. And I need to work through them. Appreciating the tough love though........................you're like my mother!

[Knight_Ctrl]

I hate to say it people, but pity-parties like this don't actually help you.

It's all very well coming in and bemoaning your losses, but by your own admission, those closest to you, and around you "are sick of hearing it."

 

Aren't you sick of living it?

Aren't you tired of giving your own personal power and well-being to someone who gives a rat's @$$ about you?

Aren't you weary of abdicating control for how you feel to someone who isn't even part of your life any more - ??

 

"By all means call on God, but at least row AWAY from the rocks!"

 

You can keep coming here and reporting current status all you want - of course you can - but ultimately - guess what?

You have to harden up and shake it off yourselves.

Nobody can do it for you.

Now, you have to cut a fine line about the choice of people you mix with.

 

You keep the company of those who feel exactly the same way you do - and you find you get stuck in maudlin emotions, crying into your beers together - or

you mix with high-five, positive, chirpy, optimistic life-lovers, who in the end, whilst they understand you're feeling down, actually couldn't give a damn and have no wish to either carry you or give any consideration to your glum mood.

 

Find a happy medium.

Mix with those who have empathy and see your pain, but who know that ultimately, Life goes on, it's worth living, spring is here and at least you're upright, walking and in control of all your faculties!

 

Except, it would appear, your hearts.

You need those back.

So grab 'em back from those who are stomping all over them, rinse them off, wash and dry them lovingly, and take charge.

 

Come on people - lighten up!!

 

 

In my room (yes I'm still at home for at least a few more months). I have on my walls areas where my ex has written things such as "I love you forever" and **** like that, I've had a hard time scribbling them all out, but recently I've discovered that if I print out posts from here on LS and use them to cover the crap she wrote on my walls, when I got to look at them and all I see is motivation, it makes me feel a lot better.

 

This will be one of those going up on my wall, Geisha is awesome.

[RM0123]

 

The hardest part for me is replacing the moments that i wanted to talk about or share now with someone whom i cannot contact anymore.... thats the big issue..

 

 

This is exactly how I feel and when I lose it the most. Whenever something stressful comes about, I find myself wanting to contact him. Because like you said, it is exactly what I did for 6 years. So when I can't, I find myself having a hard time dealing with the stressful situation and getting so sad and upset about not only the situation but the fact that I miss contacting him. The stressful situation only becomes worse!