Me or the friends dogs? The dogs of course, silly.

January 28, 2009

I second what Carhill says.

Good luck.

January 28, 2009

I think carhill sums it up pretty well. Soserious (very descriptive name), we definitely wouldn't mesh. I'll give you an example. My wife had a real hard week at work a couple of months ago. She didn't ask for any consideration, but I was able to sense that she was stressed and down about things (she worked for an architect, they are now down to the owner and his wife. From a dozen employees). So I bought her flowers, bought her a love card, lit the candles, ran a bath, cooked her dinner and DID THE DISHES! Not because she asked for it like an adult. But because I could sense she needed it. And guess what, she did. With you, I wouldn't know what to do. Maybe have some cerebral conversation about how we need to suck it up and white knuckle through it.

With me, a man does know what to because if I need something I ASK him for it directly. I don't sit there with secret expectations I expect them to meet and then punish them for failing my unannounced test.

I cope with pain both physical and emotional best by literally sucking it up.

I am reserved by nature and find that physical activity,exercise,cleaning helps me best as does focusing my attentions on helping those less fortunate than myself.

When I need to talk I ask, when I need practical supports I ask for them directly and am happy to negotiate compromise in situations when my needs are at odds with my partners.

I've also learned that people cannot tolerate being in crisis state for more than a few weeks without burning out

the response my family gave when my appendix blew up and I almost died..an emergency situation that did resolve is not the sort of response I should demand of them or anybody really as I cope with my arthritis which is an ongoing condition that causes chronic pain.

My Ex asked me one morning how I was feeling... the only correct answer to that question was "great" any other answer got shot down so when he asked his usual perfunctory question I sat him down and asked him why did he bother? I asked him, if the fact that I was in pain meant that our bills wouldn't still come rolling in? he answered that no,the bills would still come, I asked him if my being in pain meant that he or anybody else would be taking on extra household duties? he answered that no,nobody would be doing more, I asked him if my pain meant that I would be excused from having to go to work,excused from being the sole bread winner, he answered that no, it would not.So then I asked him what's the point then in asking how I am? Sniveling about my joints hurting doesn't make them hurt less and frankly the question felt more like an insult than any sort of support to me. We know I have chronic pain and that it is my responsibility to find ways to cope with that while still meeting my other life responsibilities and without burdening others, so why snivel about it?

January 28, 2009

Well guys, I took your advice and brought the subject up to my wife. And I was right she knew that I was hinting around about it. But she didn't offer because she was afraid that I would take her up on it. Which still kind of bugs me, but I guess I'll have to suck it up. So I gave her a refund regarding her love account. Say about 90%. But she owes me one.

Hunk, what this could be right now is one of those rare crisis situations in a marriage where both partners are experiencing heavy duty problems.

Also,unless you just recently had an injury I'm guessing here that your back condition is maybe one of long duration? If so you'll both need information and support to help you cope with an ongoing,chronic condition. I cannot speak highly enough of pain management courses, they literally saved my life.

When BOTH partners in a marriage are in crisis it's time to enlist the support of outside resources,family,friends,paid professionals!

January 28, 2009

Just so you know, there's a big world out there that works much differently than you do. If it were all the same, marriage counseling would be a dead industry.

Psychology delineates between caring and empathy. You, like my wife, care, but have little empathy. Empathy is feeling those hints, reading between the lines.

People who hurt and try to contain it within with hope of selfless empathy and caring from a spouse are not junvenile, although, to you, they may appear to be that way. To them, you're insensitive and self-involved.

See how that works

I'll bet the OP's wife didn't even ask him about his condition or the surgery. Right, OP?

All of my life I have been directly responsible for the care,feeding,support and comfort of others, starting as a child living with a chronically depressed mother.If I didn't cook,4 much younger sibs frequently didn't eat,same with laundry or cleaning. Hand holding and expressions of "oh you poor dear" don't count for much IMHO when there's work essential to life waiting to be done.

My language of,expression of my love is thru gifts of service. You got flooded so bad you've had to call FEMA in? You need to talk on the phone endlessly about the situation? I'm not your girl, you need your dogs fostered for a few weeks but can't afford it because of the flood? I'll be there at 8am with my own crates happy to pick them up.

My expression of love is via my gifts of service.I'm a person of action, not of hand holding and filling the air with pretty words.

January 28, 2009

My Ex asked me one morning how I was feeling... the only correct answer to that question was "great" any other answer got shot down so when he asked his usual perfunctory question I sat him down and asked him why did he bother? I asked him, if the fact that I was in pain meant that our bills wouldn't still come rolling in? he answered that no,the bills would still come, I asked him if my being in pain meant that he or anybody else would be taking on extra household duties? he answered that no,nobody would be doing more, I asked him if my pain meant that I would be excused from having to go to work,excused from being the sole bread winner, he answered that no, it would not.So then I asked him what's the point then in asking how I am? Sniveling about my joints hurting doesn't make them hurt less and frankly the question felt more like an insult than any sort of support to me. We know I have chronic pain and that it is my responsibility to find ways to cope with that while still meeting my other life responsibilities and without burdening others, so why snivel about it?

Wow soserious. There seems to be something else you are sucking up, other then your physical pain. Your anger. You were almost able to suck up a burst appendix.

With what you stated about your ex. It seems like your emotionless (if I may) pragmatism is based upon being let down and hurt by your ex. You consider sharing your pain about your chronic arthritis as sniveling? In fact instead of asking you how you were feeling, I think you wanted him to come up and hug you and ask what he could do to help you, and mean it of course. You speak about not burdening others. In my faith that is exactly what we're asked to do. As immature as you may perceive me, I would have done exactly that. Are you under some assumption that "sucking it up" and "not burdening others" is how you connect to people. That those that love you in any real sense, don't want you to reach out to them? Would you look at yourself as weak if actually broke down and cried in the arms of someone who really loved you? Many people ask why God allows pain and suffering. He allows it because it is the one thing that connects us to each other. When everything is going well people will congratulate you. When someone is hurting, another looks at that person and says, I know what she must be feeling. That is compassion. If all we did was "suck it up" this world would be a lot colder place. Were you disappointed a lot in your marriage or your childhood?

January 28, 2009

Wow soserious. There seems to be something else you are sucking up, other then your physical pain. Your anger. You were almost able to suck up a burst appendix.

With what you stated about your ex. It seems like your emotionless (if I may) pragmatism is based upon being let down and hurt by your ex. You consider sharing your pain about your chronic arthritis as sniveling? In fact instead of asking you how you were feeling, I think you wanted him to come up and hug you and ask what he could do to help you, and mean it of course. You speak about not burdening others. In my faith that is exactly what we're asked to do. As immature as you may perceive me, I would have done exactly that. Are you under some assumption that "sucking it up" and "not burdening others" is how you connect to people. That those that love you in any real sense, don't want you to reach out to them? Would you look at yourself as weak if actually broke down and cried in the arms of someone who really loved you? Many people ask why God allows pain and suffering. He allows it because it is the one thing that connects us to each other. When everything is going well people will congratulate you. When someone is hurting, another looks at that person and says, I know what she must be feeling. That is compassion. If all we did was "suck it up" this world would be a lot colder place. Were you disappointed a lot in your marriage or your childhood?

My point is this.... I am the type of person for whom focusing on my chronic pain would be deadly to my life. I function best by staying busy and active,

distraction works beautifully for me.

I've also lived long enough to know that if everytime somebody calls us and asks how we are that if we assault them with the litany of our aches and pains that soon their calls will be less frequent and will eventually stop entirely. Everybody has life problems,a fact that a lot of people coping with chronic medical issues often forget.

I have involved family and good friends.. precisly because I haven't become a "Mona" I remember that they are also people and have their own issues and problems. I don't allow my physical pain and limitations to dominate my relationships.

As to my husband and his rote question.. I didn't want him to hug me, what I wanted was for him to get up off his arse and do something like make a pot of coffee in the morning,to take action instead of just filling the air with useless words that in no way effected the outcome of anything and in fact simply required me to expend

even more of my already over taxed supply of physical energy.

January 28, 2009

My point is this.... I am the type of person for whom focusing on my chronic pain would be deadly to my life. I function best by staying busy and active,
distraction works beautifully for me.

I've also lived long enough to know that if everytime somebody calls us and asks how we are that if we assault them with the litany of our aches and pains that soon their calls will be less frequent and will eventually stop entirely. Everybody has life problems,a fact that a lot of people coping with chronic medical issues often forget.

I have involved family and good friends.. precisly because I haven't become a "Mona"

I am not talking about every time. I am talking about any time. My friend who was in my couples group (we met every Thursday for 18 years) Has arthritis so bad that she has had to have all of her fingers and and toes and her ankles pinned. She has also had 2 heart operations all by the age of 45. In that 18 years I saw her cry once because of the pain. She is as strong a person as I could imagine. She would be the first to admit that she does not want pity. She said it would destroy her. But she is also one of the most compassionate people you could ever meet. What I am saying is that there is a happy medium. Just as on one side of pendulum there non functioning needyness. On the other side there is dis-functional independence both sides will alienate others. The hard part is striking a happy medium.

January 28, 2009

I am not talking about every time. I am talking about any time. My friend who was in my couples group (we met every Thursday for 18 years) Has arthritis so bad that she has had to have all of her fingers and and toes and her ankles pinned. She has also had 2 heart operations all by the age of 45. In that 18 years I saw her cry once because of the pain. She is as strong a person as I could imagine. She would be the first to admit that she does not want pity. She said it would destroy her. But she is also one of the most compassionate people you could ever meet. What I am saying is that there is a happy medium. Just as on one side of pendulum there no functioning needyness. On the other side there is dis-functional independence both sides will alienate others. The hard part is striking a happy medium.

I am far from uncaring or emotionless. What I am is a person who expresses their caring via direct action instead of via flowery words. If your house burns down and the film crews are there capturing all the nice people hugging you and offering you sympathy,I won't be in that news clip, I'll be the friend who's at the mall making sure you and your family have at least 1 change of clothing that fits and a bathrobe,pj's and grooming supplies. I'll be the one loading your cat or dog into my car and refusing your offer of food money as I thank you for the chance to visit with your lovely pet.

I don't enjoy complaining about my pain because frankly complaining doesn't make me hurt less..to me then it's not a logical thing to do,it's just a waste of energy on my part and the part of the listener.

January 28, 2009

Hunk,

I do hope you feel better,the surgery they have now for back issues is so much

better now than it was in years past,truly it seems they work marvels now.

Also, it seems that if your wife didn't offer to cancel her trip because she was afraid you'd take her up on it..well it would seem that right now you're both experiencing crisis,you for medical reasons,hers due to layoff,menopause and probably also your medical concerns. In my life I've seen when both partners are overwhelmed like this..it's best to enlist supports from extended family,friends, your church group.

Now It's snowing here, I've had my hot shower,done my exercises and now must get ready to go to the slopes for a couple days. I can't ski this trip but I can happily ride up in my friend's Lexus with the heated seats. I can enjoy some of the outdoor activities and ski lodge fun and shopping with my friends

January 29, 2009

It's laser surgery non invasive. I'll be back to work in two to three weeks. Enjoy your trip.

February 3, 2009

So I resolve this passive/aggressive issue. Regarding my anger over my wife taking off for 9 days, while I am left at home with two torn and ruptured disks, with surgery scheduled for the 10th. My leg killing me when I get up in the morning or have to sit or drive. Well I'm speaking with my wife this morning and she is telling me how the dog bothers her while she sleeps, because "Mr. Big" (Jack Russell), the dog doesn't like to sleep with Jeremy, the 22 year old son of our friend who.........WAIT A MINUTE. DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT HER SON IS STAYING THERE WITH YOU, AND YOU KNEW IT. AND THAT HE'S MORE THEN QUALIFIED TO TAKE CARE OF HIS OWN F***ING DOGS? SO YOU LEAVE ME HEAR WITH TWO SQUASHED DISCS FOR 9 DAYS SO YOU CAN GO AND WHAT? SUPERVISE THE 22 YEAR OLD? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

Word picture time. "To my wife. Honey, if you knew of a man with two ruptured discs who is going into surgery in a week, who sciatic nerve is screaming at him, and when its not, his leg gets numb down to his foot, who can't take so much as a Advil to ease the pay. And then his wife leaves him to go and watch a pair of dogs, while one of the owners is home and more then capable of caring for said dogs. And then wants to stay two additional days. So she can hang out with her friend when she comes back from vacation. Just where on her list of priorities do you believe this husband would place himself?

February 3, 2009

So I resolve this passive/aggressive issue. Regarding my anger over my wife taking off for 9 days, while I am left at home with two torn and ruptured disks, with surgery scheduled for the 10th. My leg killing me when I get up in the morning or have to sit or drive. Well I'm speaking with my wife this morning and she is telling me how the dog bothers her while she sleeps, because "Mr. Big" (Jack Russell), the dog doesn't like to sleep with Jeremy, the 22 year old son of our friend who.........WAIT A MINUTE. DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT HER SON IS STAYING THERE WITH YOU, AND YOU KNEW IT. AND THAT HE'S MORE THEN QUALIFIED TO TAKE CARE OF HIS OWN F***ING DOGS? SO YOU LEAVE ME HEAR WITH TWO SQUASHED DISCS FOR 9 DAYS SO YOU CAN GO AND WHAT? SUPERVISE THE 22 YEAR OLD? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

Word picture time. "To my wife. Honey, if you knew of a man with two ruptured discs who is going into surgery in a week, who sciatic nerve is screaming at him, and when its not, his leg gets numb down to his foot, who can't take so much as a Advil to ease the pay. And then his wife leaves him to go and watch a pair of dogs, while one of the owners is home and more then capable of caring for said dogs. And then wants to stay two additional days. So she can hang out with her friend when she comes back from vacation. Just where on her list of priorities do you believe this husband would place himself?

The surgery you are awaiting is laser surgery is it not? non-invasive surgery?

I asked how long you've been dealing with your back issues and you never

answered me.

People who's spouse or other close family member is dealing with chronic pain issues need to take time out for themselves,if they don't they risk burn out.

February 3, 2009

On and off for around 22 years. But the sciatic nerve only about 2 weeks. Usually I am down for 2 or 3 days with stabbing in my spine every year or two. But this last year has been bad. The sciatic nerve has really added another level to the pain. I am a salesman and I get in and out of my car 20 to 30 times a day. At times its almost unbearable.

I talked with one of my wife's girl friends yesterday. She called to speak with her. She has gone through back pain because of a car accident. I told her the situation (without bitching and making the wife the bad guy) with the laser surgery and the ruptured discs. When she heard that the Mrs. was in Socal, she said, What?! I could tell that she was shocked too. I just gave her the wife's cell and told her she could call her there. I was very pleasant and did not bag on the wife.

I guess I remember the 10 years I spent caring for her and loving her when she had depression and the times when my wife has hurt herself or been down with the flu. My wife does not get the normal flu. When she gets it. Everything goes everywhere and I have to admit her to the hospital. Where they give her an IV. And then I am left with the mess to clean up. She literally ruined a brand new car with it once. Sorry to be graphic, but I guess I am on a role in this pity party. Thanks for the shoulder. I know that what you have is not a matter of once or twice a year, or even a couple of weeks. But ever day, every year. And compared to you I am a whining child with his cranky panties on.

February 3, 2009

On and off for around 22 years. But the sciatic nerve only about 2 weeks. Usually I am down for 2 or 3 days with stabbing in my spine every year or two. But this last year has been bad. The sciatic nerve has really added another level to the pain. I am a salesman and I get in and out of my car 20 to 30 times a day. At times its almost unbearable.

I talked with one of my wife's girl friends yesterday. She called to speak with her. She has gone through back pain because of a car accident. I told her the situation (without bitching and making the wife the bad guy) with the laser surgery and the ruptured discs. When she heard that the Mrs. was in Socal, she said, What?! I could tell that she was shocked too. I just gave her the wife's cell and told her she could call her there. I was very pleasant and did not bag on the wife.

I guess I remember the 10 years I spent caring for her and loving her when she had depression and the times when my wife has hurt herself or been down with the flu. My wife does not get the normal flu. When she gets it. Everything goes everywhere and I have to admit her to the hospital. Where they give her an IV. And then I am left with the mess to clean up. She literally ruined a brand new car with it once. Sorry to be graphic, but I guess I am on a role in this pity party. Thanks for the shoulder. I know that what you have is not a matter of once or twice a year, or even a couple of weeks. But ever day, every year. And compared to you I am a whining child with his cranky panties on.

What I'm saying,suggesting to you is this.. I suspect your wife is a lot more depressed about getting laid off than you suspect, add in menopausal symptoms and she's probably miserable. This vacation might be just as needed,just as theraputic for her as your laser surgery will be for you.

Also, if you're going to have surgery I'm guessing there will be recoup time,you might need physical therapy and other treatments? If so she'll

have plenty of chances to offer you physical helps and supports during that time.

I remember when my ex's back would act up.. he couldn't do anything and aside from being the sole breadwinner and dutifully trotting home each evening after work to cook,clean, wait on him and listen to him complain

for hours on end there was nothing I could do to make his pain go away.

I felt frustrated because nothing I did helped, he was hyper sensitive, carefully scanning my face for any sign or indication of unhappiness which he would then use to jump all over me about how I should be grateful to have a strong back.His pain greatly increased his irritability,nothing I could do or say

helped during those moments. We did best when we planned out to get his needs met but also planned for some down time for me to recharge my batteries.

You need to reach out now Hunk, to your family, friends, your church group

you'll get some supports and also be gifted with the wonderful gift of some distraction, if you are used to being busy,I'm thinking distraction would be a mkost blessed gift right about now:)

February 7, 2009

First off you take seperate vacations?

I smell something fishy and it ain't the sea air.

There's more going on here than meets the eye. This is your wake up call. She can't be depened upon and you had better find out why.

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