KLM_08 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 This may sound like a pity thread, but it isn't, so please bear with me. I have been wrestling with something lately, and I expect others have been through the same thing, but I am curious if so or not. I also am curious how people dealt with the situation and how they moved past it. So, here is the situation. For several years, I was in a relationship with someone I cared about, but was never really in love with (although I didn't really realize that for the longest time). Then one day, out of the blue, I developed these incredibly powerful, incredibly strong feelings for a friend. Feelings I had only felt once before in my life, about 20 years prior. This wake up call led me to end the relationship, as I realized it wasn't fair to either of us to continue, but that isn't really the point of this post. The point, and the question is, having only experienced attraction like this twice in my life, nearly 20 years apart, I don't expect to find it again or at least not for a very long while. As a result, I am having a hard time seeing any point to dating, and instead see only potential problems. So, am I crazy? Can anyone relate? If so, how did you deal with it? Did you give up dating, or did you find some way to move forward with lowered expectations?
Still Trying Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I've been attracted to friends before and rarely has it panned out into anything but a continued friendship or blown up horribly in my face. That's just my experience though - in reality they say (I don't know who they is) that a relationship based in friendship first can be the most rewarding since you already know each other. Pursue it gently and feel it out?
carhill Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 How long have you known this friend? Assuming you're a straight male, have you had many female friends? How did that go? Are you sure what you're describing is attraction? That generally is what straight men feel when around women and it happens fairly frequently, even for odd ducks like myself. Something tells me this is different. Get us some more information. Oh, and, if my experience is any guide, make sure you have a good handle on the compatibility part. Even a fabulously intimate platonic friend can make an unhealthy romantic partner if those parts which are never engaged in the platonic friendship are incompatible. Fair warning
Author KLM_08 Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 To answer Carhill - I've known her for a couple of years. I have generally had quite a few female friends - I tend to get along much better with women than men. Oh its definitely attraction and then some. I found her to be physically attractive the first time I saw her, but that doesn't mean much to me as I find an awful lot of women physically attractive. It wasn't until after I got to know her, that I felt butterflies in my stomach every time I thought of her or was near her, and found I couldn't stop thinking of her when I was away from her. Whenever I talk with her I feel a strong connection and feel as if we are the only two people on the planet. I think though, that I was unclear on my original post. For a number of reasons, I am convinced that nothing ever would or could happen with her. So my question is not about dating her, but rather, about how to move on with some reasonable degree of hope. I mean, 20 years apart to feel this way? What's the point if it's going to be another 20 years? And how to cope and retain some hope faced with such odds?
carhill Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 OK, what is stopping you from taking the friendship romantic? What are those "reasons"? IMO, one way to reconcile such attractions is to act on them, see and experience the whole picture, and then process it and move on. I did that, and with the help of therapy and NC, resolved the attraction. Some of the details are in my journals. Hey, consider yourself lucky. It's happened to you twice
theniceguy Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I haven't read the other replies to keep my opinion clear. But I know what you are talking about. I was in a couple of long term relationships over the past couple years. After this last one was over I was not sure if I would ever find somebody that I cared about as much as my ex. Since it took so long for this person to come along, I was wondering how long it would take for the next person to come along that I would feel the same way about. I had no hope. I felt as though I wouldn't find that again. Once I stopped thinking about that, realized and dealt with the fact that I was still going through the stages of loss, and started focusing on myself, then that confidence and hope returned. You have to love yourself before you can love others. Take time to take care of yourself. Partake in hobbies, go out with friends, read self help books, talk to a counselor who listen to anything you have to say (having someone to listen so that you can hear yourself talk is very helpful), and don't ignore issues but deal with them. Once you stop caring for yourself and are okay with not needing to find someone soon, then that hope will return. Since my ex and my whole wondering if I was ever going to find someone to date again and to feel for, I have dated 5 other really great women. It'll happen when it's meant to.
Author KLM_08 Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 In reply to Carhill - Well, for one, she has talked to me about the type of guy she is looking for, which in itself indicates I am in the "friend zone". Plus, I am nothing like the type of guy she says she is looking for. And, on top of that, she is still good friends with my ex. Carhill, I was unaware of your journal entries - I will have to go and read those now. And you know, FWIW, I do consider myself lucky in a way, and cursed too, at the same time. niceguy - I agree with what you are saying, and, in fact, I have been doing a lot of what you suggest. In fact, I often say, just because you give up on love, doesn't mean you have to give up on life. What I get hung up on is that it was so long before I felt that magic again.
socialight Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 sounds to me like you got the hots for some girl and ended up blowing a good thing because of it. People have to learn to use their mind as well as their hearts in relationships.
Author KLM_08 Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 sounds to me like you got the hots for some girl and ended up blowing a good thing because of it. People have to learn to use their mind as well as their hearts in relationships. I must be missing something. What are you referring to as a "good thing"? If you mean my prior relationship that was anything BUT a good thing and ending that was one of the best things I have done in a while. And if you mean my friendship with the "crush" girl, that is still very much intact and just fine. And FWIW - both the ending of my prior relationship as well as my continued friendship with "crush" girl are the result of my using my head and not just listening to my heart. Although obviously emotions play a role as well.
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