I still love my Ex and she's with my best mate now, it's too much to deal with

[entityzero]

althewiser sorry to get your gender mixed up hope i didnt cause any offence.

everything you say rings true to me such as her WANTING to be taken advantage of (he just wedged himself between us and must of fed her so much s**t to make her beleive he was good for her), the fact that she cares but not enough, and that she doesnt want saving.

i just hope that maybe she needs to go through some more bad relationships to realize that i was right, or is that wishful thinking?

i know theres a light at the end of the tunnel, i'll always be a better man than he ever will and i know that my ability to love, care and commit to a woman will eventually be reciprocated and appreciated, its exciting!

now its just dealing with trying not to think about them together, them being in bed (it kills me to wake up alone knowing hes laying next to her in my old home) and know that shes enjoying his company at my expense..

this is the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with.

its awesome we can share our pain together i really appreciate your insight.

i wish all the best for you too i hope you can find a partner who really knows who she is and is comfortable in her own skin, people that dont like what the see in the mirror only cause pain for others hey?

[allthewiser]

no probs. unlike you, i don't have the whole 'sex' together issue, as i know that i was the only woman she's been with, and he's just one of the 15+ men she has had sex with. i guess that the large prob for you is that your ego has been crushed. its only natural. for me, its somewhat different in that he cant give her what i can.

 

but take solace in that the sex won't be good bc she is so messed up, and its just a 'thing' to get her thru so she doesn't need to deal with her own phantoms. take solace that they deserve each other, and that KARMA is around the corner. also take solace that he will lose her as she is damaged goods, and will just go to the next like some emotional leech.

also, don't believe that she's enjoying his company, bc she is so unhappy that its just a bandaid affect, as those times SHE ISNT with him, she is feelind more like sh*t bc her temporary 'fix' is not with her. PLUS, her insecurities will get the best of her, and the dark hole that is in her heart will once again become bigger and will need to be filled. i hope that all makes sense??

 

actually, you should just thank him. how? Just say to yourself over and over: MY PROBLEM IS NOW HIS PROBLEM. Break the shackles

[entityzero]

wow.

you're right. its not my problem anymore. all of that makes sense yes.

how do you know all this?

i mean, at least i HOPE you are, im sure to some degree that is exactly whats happening but she herself has admitted shes really good at turning her feelings off or ignoring the problems, so, even though on some level thats what she feels im worried shes so emotionally numb she really doesnt care at all, about her problems, or mine.

but yeah eventually i know things will come out, shes packed so much trauma down inside without dealing with it one day she'll explode (or self destruct, and i do worry about her still....)

i so want the sex to be bad, i want her to think of me when she does it (the sex i've had since i know i have thought about her and thats why its not fair to another girl to get into a relationship right now)

i have to believe thats true coz i just DONT believe she is truely happy with him, she's known him and his ways for over 2 years as we were all mutual friends, and she knows he's bad for her... i know she knows.

its just unfortunate he was such a snake and wrapped himself around her, he's very charming and "suave" on the surface, but inside he's an empty husk of a man who has just as many demons as her.

...as for me well, i guess my ego has been bruised yeah but im not an egotistical person by nature so i havent been beating myself up too much about this or thinking the world owes me a favour, i understand things like this happen and its what you learn from it in the end, and there are many lessons ive learnt, i know now NOT to ignore the red flags that are visible when you are getting to know someone.

 

so how long were with you together with her? i kinda feel now like i dodged a bullet somewhat in that at least i didnt spend any more time investing my soul in her haha, 2 years was enough, im exhausted.

once again thankyou, your words of wisdom feel heaven sent.

[allthewiser]

heya. i know all of this bc i know her, just like you know your ex. she was more problematic than good. since i'm a very caring and giving person, and she so selfish and self centred, she just took. but i know that it wasn't consciously. its just who she was. i was foolish enough to think that that was 'love'-that 2 ppl just 'fit' bc they are in some ways opposites. it came to the point that i felt that i just gave my whole being, while she was just going thru the 'motions'. i know she loved me in her own way, but it was not the love that i deserved.

 

we were together for 7 yrs, i'm 33 and she 29. what hurts is not the fact that its over bc of the time, but bc i INVESTED so much in the r-ship and feel that i have nothing in return. kinda like a stockmarket crash. it also hurts that i invested a QUARTER of my life in her, that couldve been used finding who i was! you're very lucky that you're in your mid 20's and now its time to invest in you. great news that you are heading o'seas. travel, experience, do all those things that you have always wanted. i'm going to start learning the guitar, taking up a team sport, visiting friends interstate, hanging out with my friends without feeling that i was leaving her out, and getting my bike licence...even trekking the Amazon thru to Equador next year! i'm concentrating on ALL the opportunities that have suddenly opened up for me and feel hope and excitement. i would never been able to do these things with her in my life, bc i wouldve put her needs and wants b4 my own.

 

we even tried for a baby thru artificial insemination 2 weeks ago. we were looking for a donor for nearly a year without hope, then a friend offered. he has a partner and a kid. so he was doing a wonderful thing for us. what hurts is that if she had feelings for this bloke and was confused, then why try to bring a baby into the situation? was it bc she thought it would fix things, or bc she just had no consideration of her actions?? when i told him he was devastated, bc now his world is spinning bc we don't know if she is pregnant. he even tried to contact her, but she is not taking his calls or even give him some comfort eg: i'll let you know as soon as i know etc. but she is so f*cking selfish that he or any1 doesnt matter bc its 'all about her'. she even started saying that as a joke. now in hindsight its bc thats how she felt.

 

what i also try to do is think and write of her in third person and past tense. that helps so much! it turns her from a person to a concept. perhaps that works for me, but not for you. but give it a go....when talking to people about what happened, don't refer to her by name, and always describe her in past tense.

 

like i said b4, i'm not a man-hater. but your sexual ego has been bruised. that perhaps you werent good enough as BOTH a lover and partner. it's natural. at least i don't have that to worry about. i just wasnt what she wanted. and i now know she wasnt the one for me.

i definitely know she will crash and burn. she is still on an antidepressant, since she first cheated on me last september. she claimed that it made her feel 'numb' so if she really wants to find herself then she'll need to drop that. yes, she is going to definitely crash. esp when she wakes up and realises the dissatisfaction she will feel with him and her mundane life- work and him.

 

i have been reading your posts from the beginning and must admit you HAVE COME A LONG WAY! I'm not saying this to make you feel better, but you have, mate. perhaps when you're ready, re-read your posts and see the transformation you're going thru. you're nearly there. go to england and live life! everytime you think of her, pay another girl a compliment. turn those f*cked up memories and thoughts into making someone else feel better.

 

x

[entityzero]

thanks allthewiser, i do feel like ive come a fair way but still not enough to feel indifferent about the whole thing..

but yeah my enlgand trip will definately help, i hope i dont crash and burn when i get back and realize everythings all here again, gotta try hard not to do that.

 

im really sorry to hear about the complications with your ex, it sounds like shes very immature and im sure you can and will find someone who you deserve, it just sucks that caring sensitive people like us get so hurt, but in the end we will find happiness.

do you think my ex will also wake up and realize that all she has in her life is her crappy job (which i know stresses her out), and him, who's also her boss, so her world is just one blurry mess between life in and outside of work, good luck to her i guess...i wish i could wish her happiness and if she was with ANYONE else i think i would by now, but i could never wish her that with a jerk like him.

i just want her to realize sooner rather than later before she literally becomes as worthless and pathetic as him.

 

im leaving tonight so i'll try and check back in with you asap.

my thoughts are with ya