True Love Doesn't Have a Happy Ending...

[New York]

I am not sure why I am posting here other than to say I am feeling lost. My long-distance girl friend and I broke up around the holidays. I did the no contact thing for about a month and a half but then broke it when her birthday came up. I sent her a long turgid letter expressing the good and bad in our relationship but letting her know that I was willing to end long distance and move permanently to be with her. We spoke shortly thereafter on the phone. She said she loved me. I loved her. I then told her that I was coming to her city for an event and that she should go with me. She balked and said no. I asked why. She said it was not relevant. When I pressed further she told me she had plans with another man. She refused to tell me his name. She said she was "interested in him" but that he was just a friend. She then said nothing had happened between them but that she would not see me as doing so would "stress her out."

 

When I got to her city, we emailed some more but she refused to speak by phone ostensibly "to protect herself." I wound up skipping out on the event and returning home early because everywhere I looked I saw her. I asked her to clarify why she would not see me. No response. I asked her whether we would be together if I moved to her city as we had discussed over the previous two years. She said no. She needed her space and wanted to be my friend.

 

She then told me again that this new guy was just a "friend" and that she was not dating anyone. It was just so odd. If he was just a friend, why couldn't she talk to me? Why couldn't she say his name? Why would she hide this from me? I have known her for four year and we had never hidden anything from each other before.

 

Anyway, her message about never wanting to be with me was clear so I sent her an email. A vicious and mean email accusing her of lying and cheating on me and telling her that we would not be friends. Having sent it, I feel a tremendous sense of loss but somehow feel as if I shut the door on my own terms.

 

Notwithstanding all this drama and everyone telling me that I am better off without her, why do I feel such pain? Why am I writing on this website? When does it get better? Does she ever come back to me? Should I not have sent her a mean message?

 

I think I know the answer.

 

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

 

Let each day come.

 

And it will get better.

 

But I just don't understand. We dated for two years long distance. We broke up 6 weeks before we didn't have to be long distance anymore. Why wouldn't she want to be with me? Why is she with another?

[Island Girl]

Notwithstanding all this drama and everyone telling me that I am better off without her, why do I feel such pain? Why am I writing on this website? When does it get better? Does she ever come back to me? Should I not have sent her a mean message?

 

You should have remained no contact from last conversation when the break up happened.

 

Her birthday was an excuse for you to contact her and you shouldn't have.

 

I am terribly sorry you are in pain but you have made it worse by reopening the wound and then digging it deeper by asking to meet her when you were going to her city and trying to get her back. By doing so you got massive rejection and only gave yourself even more internal questions.

 

Why would she do this? Who knows. Maybe she did meet somebody else. Maybe she was getting a lot of emotional support and ego boosting from you and she didn't want to let that go for a while. Maybe she was fine with a relationship at a distance but the idea of having to actually be in it day to day was too much.

 

Again who knows. And no matter how many times you ask and what answers you get it will never make sense to you.

 

You were in a different place. 100% invested and 100% true.

 

It will hurt less when you allow yourself to heal. It will hurt less with time.

And it will hurt less when you stop running all of it through your head all the while asking why?why?why?

Just stop doing that.

 

The answer is whatever the reason, she made a decision. You believe she made a mistake. You're right she did make a mistake. She let go of someone who really loved her in a world where that gets harder and harder to come by. But she really did you a favor. Because now you can find the woman who will truly appreciate you.

 

No. I don't think she'll come back unless it is for more of her needs being met - as far as emotional support, etc.

Will you work out as a couple. No. I really can't see it ever happening as a forever commitment.

 

Should you take her back if she comes back? No. You absolutely shouldn't.

[New York]

Was it a mistake to send her a mean email telling her off? I think I deliberately lashed out to hurt her for spite and also to make sure that the bridge between us was forever burned. I think about gathering up all her photos and gifts and sending them back to her in a package telling her I don't need anything from a lier and cheater. But I won't do that. I will just sit here and wonder.

[Geishawhelk]

Yes, and while you're at it, poke yourself in the eyes with a sharp stick, breathe in some ground red jalapeno pepper powder, run headlog, repeatedly into a thorn-bush and thwhack yourself constantly on the shins with a baseball bat, whilst you whang yourself round the head with a heavy, cast-iron metal skillet.

If you're going to inflict pain on yourself, you might as well go the whole hog.

 

On the other hand -

If you really would never think of doing this to yourself physically, explain to me then, the sense in continuing to hurt yourself emotionally....?

 

Don't quite get the logic.

 

Come on.

Take a deep breath and as you exhale, whoosh loudly - "dontgiveash1*t"

 

And step forward, one pace at a time.

[New York]

Lol. Your reply is great. I will get to don't give a sh*t soon although I have several friends that keep bumping into her and telling me what is going on in her life. That needs to stop!

[chacha7]

Hi New York,

 

I am going through a lot of what you are too. My ex who lived in NYC and I were in a long distance (about an hour) relationship, but it was doable. After nearly 2.5 years, he broke up with me over stupid things and I basically pleaded pathetically for him to get back with me, and he has just blocked me out of his life as if I never existed. It hurts so bad, and is just annoying because I never did any thing wrong to him. I did send him his stuff back and I would recommend doing that because it just hurts to much to see it or even know its around. As it is everything reminds me of him anyway. It just sucks to know that the love you thought someone had for you was not real. And there have been periods when I thought it was getting better and then I have a meltdown. So my advice for you is to remember, as I am trying to remember, that it is better to be the person who is more loving and emotionally available, even if it doesn't seem like it, and maybe I'm not sure why, but I think its got to be better than to be a cold person who could do something like move on so quickly or block someone out that they claimed to have loved for so long. Maybe its because is karma does exist, you will be on the better end of it. You are someone who can love and commit and that says a lot about you as a person. For that reason, you are further along than they will ever be.

[chacha7]

wow Island girl. Thank you so much for your post, I just read it and I must just say that thank you and you are soooo right. The parts about being 100% invested and true and the ex making a mistake and giving up love in a world where it is extremely hard to come by, especially rang true for me.

 

New York, I hope you and I both find someone who truly appreciates us! Thanks again Island girl for your inspiration.

[New York]

First, I just want to say thank you too to Island Girl. Your post is thoughtful, sensitive, and touching. It brought me much comfort. I even thought of forwarding her the link to this thread so she might read your words. Don't worry, I did not do that.

 

As for sending the stuff back, I think I would just be better throwing it in the trash as sending it back to her would simply invite more communication which is something she clearly does not want. I am also not so sure I want to give her the satisifaction of any further communication after the way she has behaved towards me since I broke the no contact rule before my trip.

 

Plus she probably thinks I am completely insane as, after I sent her the mean email accusing her of cheating, a friend advised that I apologize immediately. So I did. Thus, she gets a mean email accusing her of cheating and then gets an immediate apology. Funny, I regret apologizing to her. I stand by the mean email.

 

Anyway, she didn't respond to either email because she "needs to protect herself" from hurt--which is just so odd considering that she is desperate to my "friend" despite having ended things just as long distance was set to end and despite the fact that she was the one who (at a minimum) started dating immediately after the break up and likely was just cheating.

 

My guess is she needs to protect herself from facing the emotional consequences of being honest with herself and with me about her actions. And I guess if there is no emotional honesty with a human being that I was planning to uproot my life for, then it is best everything is done and that I tore her apart in my email.

 

The whole thing just sucks.

[New York]

Last post on this for now--the other thing that leaves me completely infuriated about her actions is the following--

 

When we were long distance she always told me that I had to move to make the relationship work. She never once gave consideration to moving to New York to be with me.

 

And when I finally agreed to move to be with her, she replied that I was "putting too much pressure on the relationship" and that we should just be "friends." What a great friend...

[Island Girl]

First - your welcome New York and chacha7. I am glad my thoughts helped.

 

When we were long distance she always told me that I had to move to make the relationship work. She never once gave consideration to moving to New York to be with me.

 

To me that is writing on the wall. That speaks to the relationship not being the priority in her life.

 

There are certainly things that are taken into consideration. Of course one of those would be work. If a person can not get a job or work where the other lives then moving is not a real possibility if both incomes would be necessary. But it sounds as if she just was opposed to the idea of sacrificing anything for the relationship. So, to me, that would be a big red flag as to how invested the other person really is.

 

Lesson learned, right? Now you will be much more aware of putting so much out there and so much effort when the other isn't.

 

And when I finally agreed to move to be with her, she replied that I was "putting too much pressure on the relationship" and that we should just be "friends." What a great friend...

 

You hit the nail on the head here.

 

You know your title of this thread isn't accurate. This wasn't true love.

You were in love. You were willing to go through the gauntlet to make this work. And you were willing to be her rock, her best friend, as it should be.

But she wasn't.

 

 

She didn't treat you as if you were a friend let alone her best friend. You got no consideration. She wasn't honest with you and she wasn't fair to you.

 

Of course life isn't fair. But when you are in a relationship with someone and it is serious to the point where there is discussion of moving in together, marriage, or moving to another place for the relationship to grow then there should be more than just basic consideration for the other person.

You did that for her. You thought about her and what she needed.

You didn't get that in return.

 

You are lucky you got out when you did. You are lucky you didn't move and uproot your life along with leaving your support system only to be kicked in the head afterward.

 

People can be conniving, selfish, and manipulative. Often the signs of these behaviors present themselves but the other party turns a blind eye or excuses these things because of the strength of their own emotions.

 

It is always a mistake not to take everything into account and more so when your emotions run deep.

 

I am glad you are feeling angry instead of forlorn as before. I believe that is the road to healing because it gets you out of the cycle of asking why and trying to relive the past either to recreate the relationship or to find "where it went wrong".

 

If it were easy to find true love and we didn't have painful episodes where we thought we had found it but were wrong, would we really appreciate it for how special it is when we did find it?

 

This will just ensure that you will be one of the people on this planet who does.

 

I hope that makes sense. I am typing with a migraine and it may not come out as intended.

[New York]

So is it a bad move to send her a nasty handwritten note, calling her a lier and a cheater, stuffing it in a box with all her crap and then mailing everything to her?

[Geishawhelk]

In the short-run, no.

In the long-run, yes.

 

You know how stupid, false and idiotic politicians look on TV when they shake hands with the leader of another country (all cordial, genial, big smiles, warm hugs, posing for the camera) and only a week ago, they were dropping bombs on each other?

 

think of it that way.

If ever you 'need' to touch base with her in the future (I don't know why! ) you'll feel pretty dumb for being hostile in the present......

 

That's all......

[Island Girl]

There are a number of reasons not to send a note like that.

 

Geishawhelk stated a couple.

 

And then there is the fact that you do not want her to think you are still writhing over this. (I would have told you not to send the other message as well.)

 

Certainly you will go on living and find someone who does in fact appreciate you. Someone who would sacrifice as much as you would.

 

This girl, if she was using you to boost her ego, would delight in knowing how torn up you are - how angry you are - and how it keeps going on and on - because that means you still care.

And she can glean just as much of a boost from letters like that as she can from a phone call where you express your undying love.

 

It is better to go NC. Better for you to allow you to heal and move on.

Better for her so there is no danger in her using your emotions to help her in any way. And she shouldn't feel that she ever had the ability to destroy you.

 

You are stronger than all that.

 

Writing can be therapeutic so if you want to vent - that's fine just do not send anything to this girl. Be done with her.

[New York]

Thanks to everyone. I am trying to just be done with her. I have now made it about four days with no contact (the last email being when I told her off) although I am constantly calling our mutual friends to tell them how much she is a b--itch. I have no idea if any of that is getting back to her. Of course, part of me hope it does as she is very concerned about her appearance to others as opposed to caring about emotional honesty with herself or me. Part of me just doesn't care what she thinks anymore as I know that when I get heal, the name calling will stop, the need to call will stop, and I will cease caring.

 

It just seems like that day is far away. But I will get there. Oddly, my girl friend's former best friend of 15 years is coming to New York City this weekend and I am going to see her. She hates my ex-girlfriend too. If the former best friend did not have a boy friend, I could see myself doing something very vindicative and trying to sleep with her just to get back at my ex.

 

Instead, I will see the former best friend and we will mutually talk about how much my ex sucks. The whole thing seems a bit odd. My ex was in my life for four years (2 years as a friend and 2 years as my girlfriend). Now she is gone, I am left with a relationship with her former best friend.

 

Life is strange.

[Island Girl]

Hi New York

 

I know it may be difficult but PLEASE stop talking about her with the mutual friends.

 

Yes it may be getting back to her and it makes her think you are not over it that you are still desperate for her -- the opposite of love is not hate it is indifference.

 

It also makes you seem small and petty and possibly psycho to others. It just isn't a road you should continue to go down.

 

I implore you to go NC including ND (No Discussion).

 

This ex friend may be a safe person to vent to because it may not get back to her -- but if the friend has mutual connections then you shouldn't.

Just let it get back to her that you spent a wonderful day together and you were carefree and happy.

 

Nothing hurts worse than knowing someone couldn't care less after time and experience is invested. You know that first hand.

 

I'm glad you are well on the road to healing from this.

[New York]

Hey Island Girl,

 

I truly appreciate your advice and everyone's advice. I am also well aware that the opposite of love is indifference and that is where everyone needs to be before they are fully healed. To get there, no contact is a very helpful tool--particularly after you slam the door on the dumper by telling them off and making it clear that the door to reconciliation is forever closed because of your choice.

 

That said, it is a complete lie to oneself to to enter a phase of no discussion about a serious trauma--which is what the loss of someone close to you is--either by death or break up--that you are desperately trying to process. My discussions with our mutual friends and others have almost nothing to do with her.

 

They have everything to do with me.

 

By talking about things with mutual friends and countless others, I am able to get different perspectives on things from people who know her and people who do not know her. Each discussion moves me a teeny tiny step towards indifference.

 

Indeed, today I deleted every single email she ever sent me from the history of time. I found myself rereading them and getting upset. So now they are gone. But I am still going to talk about my loss with anyone who will listen until such time as I no longer feel that loss. That will happen only in time. But it will happen.

 

Until then, I am just hoping my cell phone has enough sympathetic contacts to hear me vent. Then again, that is what makes this site great.

 

As for her thinking that I am a psycho--I don't care one iota. So long as we don't email or contact each other, I am entitled to claim our mutual friends in the break up--not her--and I am entitled to cut down her lies however I see fit.

 

I hope this does not come across as mean as I really do think you have tremendous insight and compassion into people's emotional state. It's just ND (to me) is a bit different than NC.