loosing my mind....

[Confused at 34]

Family and friends have great advise.. but they dont know the whole story...

I have been with a man who we once shared a home. I am the "mother" of his now 5 year old daughter. Her real "mother" split not long after their divorce and he and I were together. Baby momma drama is in another state and that is a whole other story...

A year ago we split after being together for just under 3 years. We at one point were talking about "ever after." Pressures and other things caused us to split. We have been in contact off and on and went several months without talking at all. We started talking again back in October. He was seeing someone, an old friend of his for years.. I was too. He said that their lives aren't working (he and his daughter) without me. He needed me to be back in his daughters life and he and I would remain just friends. I agreed.. My heart was broken without the little girl in my life. I was soo pleased to have this "arragement." This man travels for a living and I help care for his daughter.. between he, his mother and I she has a stable home. I wasn't here all of the time, yet ended it with the one I was seeing because it wasn't right that I was spending soo much of my time at my ex home..eventhough I told him.. I just didn't feel right. This man, who I will call Shane also ended his relationship for the same reason and is happier now he and that ex are better as friends. I am confortable with that friendship. What I am having an issue with is just this. Things took a turn between me and "shane." Our relationship has become an arrangment that he has been paying me to take care of his home, care for the daughter and this way we can keep what became a very intimate relationship and our arrangment seperate. I was fine with that, too. However all that has changed and I have been at his house for going on 3 months now. I am everything a "wife" would be. However we aren't telling anyone we are back together.. but we are. Until recentally his family and friends are quite aware of our bs. lol. Only one thing.. he washed my feet and dried them with his short hair. told me that he is ready to be my boyfriend when we are ready. Told me the next few months to a year or so my life will change and I will be so happy. Didn't say how and I was too afraid to ask him what he meant. Tears kisses and the intese love making that night changed us. I love every moment of it.. but here is the real issue. He has an ex from ten years ago. They got back in touch durning the time he and I weren't speaking. Now its texting, emails.. myspace.. but he doesn't hide the fact they have been back in touch. She too, lives out of state to a place he travles. They haven't seen one another and he was very close to her mother. Tells me they still speak and he wouldn't mind seeing her and her mother again. I know I shouldn't but I do read his text to her and i feel just awlful. I am soo insecure with this relationship but I dont make him aware of it. I just smile and act as if none of it phases me at all. He doesn't know I know there is a reunion planed. He has offerd to cook for her "maybe somday."

I am just sick about this. I would like to be more secure with what is going on here.. but I DONT want to be blind either. Is it that he is closing doors so he can walk through the new one here?? He has told me time and again that he and I will be in each others lives forever and he values me very much. All I want to do is run. I was going to move to a city 45 min away.. he has told me I should not because of what we have here.. and with his daughter. This time around we are more than just lovers.. we have taken the time to actually get to know one another and he is what I would call my best friend. If this isn't headed to a "forever after" I have to be gone. what am I to think of this communicaton between he and the ex of ten years? Let it ride out and sit back and see what happens.. or am I being a blind fool with my heart. Troubble is.. I would marry him at any given time and place.. I dont tell him any of this.. I refuse to scare him off..

Besides friends and family who tell me to sit back and enjoy this.. they dont know about the ex of ten years outta state. Do I run and break my heart and a little girls? Would I break his heart?? I am just so lost here.. Please help!!!