What's with men who get out of a long relationship only to marry the next immediately

[shayna]

So this has been happening to several of my female friends and other women around me a lot lately (sorry to sound sexist- but really it has all been women so far). They are in a long term decent relationship anywhere from 5 years even up to 15 years. The relationship ends for whatever reason (which totally vary) and then BANG!!!! The next woman the man dates (regardless if he was the dumpee or dumper) is suddenly his fiance!!!??? And I mean they only date for 4-6 months before they're engaged. I can understand if the prior relationship totally sucked, but really- WTF?????

 

Any comments folks? This makes me soooooo angry for these women! Sorry, but I, myself, expect a certain decency and respect toward the ex even after the end of a relationship. You were after all with this person for a huge chunk of time- doesn't the ex deserve better treatment. To be honest, all I see is desperation and a total unwillingness to be alone.

 

And btw, all of the women I speak of are wonderful, intelligent women who aren't the begging/pleading/clingy type that their ex-men just had to get rid of!! Oh- and these men and women are in their late 20s/30s. Is it REALLY necessary to jump into something so quick. Life doesn't end at 30 if you're single!

[Nikki Sahagin]

I've noticed this as well. I think if they are dumped it may be a desire to cement something more secure and concrete with the new woman i.e. they can't get away. But if THEY were the dumper - then I'm really not sure :s Maybe they are jumping into committment whilst they are in the honeymoon stage expecting they can do it right this time around. I would imagine the psychology behind this is quite interesting.

[amaysngrace]

I call it the "head up your ass syndrome".

 

My exH did this too. He met the woman and a month later knew he wanted to marry her and two months after our divorce was final he did.

 

My thinking is that he is terrified to be alone. He doesn't like himself enough to enjoy being alone. Being alone is not comfortable for him because he isn't his own best friend.

 

I also think it has something to do with needing to belong to something. I think people like this lack identity in some way and are looking to others to give them what they should be getting from themselves.

 

It validates them somehow.

 

But hey...what do I know?

[2sure]

My now husband was in an off/on relationship for 5 years with a women when I met him. She was late 20s, he was late 30's. She wanted to get married or at least get engaged or move in together. When he would not move the relationship in that direction, she would break up with him, then they would get back together until it came up again. When I met him, they were on an off. We were engaged within 6 months and married within a year. His ex was very bitter and I didnt blame her really.

 

Even I questioned him , and his response was that all of the conversations with her about getting married had brought his future and what he wanted and DIDN'T want to the forefront of his mind. So, he was thinking of marriage and (his words) resigning himself to the fact that maybe there was no such thing as "Soul Mate" or that maybe he was never going to be "struck by lightning" in love. But he did want marriage. When he met me he really was a husband waiting to happen . He said he knew on our first date that he wanted to marry me.

 

I told him it was sad and wrong of him to keep going back to that woman when he knew he didnt want to marry her. He said he never told her "someday", and that the times they got back together he never implied things would change.

 

She was bitter, caused some problems for me initially, but she got over it I think. Maybe she found her soul mate.

[quankanne]

My thinking is that he is terrified to be alone. He doesn't like himself enough to enjoy being alone. Being alone is not comfortable for him because he isn't his own best friend.

 

you've summed up my daddy's situation, bless his heart.

 

he was sniffing around, looking for the Next Mrs. while my mother was in the nursing home! The skanky puta he hired to clean his house got her hooks into him because he was chasing her big time, and she was younger than me.

 

ended up marrying her after mom died, but that union was annulled within months when INS told him that she was exploiting him and they had a huge number of red flags against her.

 

he didn't talk about it often, but I think that was his biggest regret, getting snowed like that when all he wanted was someone to love him and to be with him so he wouldn't be alone ...

[carhill]

Men have a deep desire to be needed and valued by a companion. It goes far beyond sex. Many men have never been "alone". They went from mom to girlfriend to wife. That's all they know. The same drive which impels them to commit to a new person so quickly will also keep them in a satisfying relationship. The OP mentioned long-term "decent" relationships. Men and women define "decent" in very different terms, so probably it would be better to ask the men's male friends for their perspective.

 

I'm not one of those types of men, but do understand their perspective, as I've noted my male friends to be largely of that mindset. Few will live alone for any significant period of time. The few I know who do live alone are confirmed bachelors (never married), like I was until getting married in my 40's.

[clv0116]

So this has been happening to several of my female friends and other women around me a lot lately (sorry to sound sexist- but really it has all been women so far). They are in a long term decent relationship anywhere from 5 years even up to 15 years. The relationship ends for whatever reason (which totally vary) and then BANG!!!! The next woman the man dates (regardless if he was the dumpee or dumper) is suddenly his fiance!!!???

 

Some women are great GF material and others are great wife material. I'd bet that most of the 'dumpee' guys were dropped BECAUSE they wouldn't commit as well.

 

I know I'm gonna get slammed for this, but if you want to be a wife make sure you have the skillset to be good at it. Men notice.

[EmperorR]

women are the same

[shayna]

Good lord amaysngrace, how did you deal with that???????

 

2sure: you and your husband are still married, yes? I know this sounds weird, but just out of curiosity, what brings you to LS? I've been off the LS scene for awhile now and don't know what your story is

 

Thanks for your comments everyone. You all raised some good points. Not happy about most of them but they all make sense. Of course, the OTHER reason I asked was not just out of anger for my poor girlfriends but because I'm 1.5 years out of a 9-year relationship that, granted, wasn't perfect by any means but was comfortable and lovely most times, but my ex just started dating someone 9.5 years younger than me and 7 years younger than him (oddly enough she is VERY similar to what I was like at that age when he and I first got together- figures eh?). We are both now in our early 30s. I'm not feeling so great about him dating of course because, to my dismay, I knew I was still holding onto hope in that far of corner of my heart... And he came on to me only a month ago (I would have nothing of it though- yay for me for once)!!

 

I've since cut off ALL contact for the first time ever. But I'm not looking forward to hearing about their engagement which I'm very paranoid will happen sooner than I am ready for! After all, he was pissed that his younger sister is getting married before him! I know myself so well now- and I'm scared that when/if this happens, it will be the final straw and I will throw myself off a cliff!

[shayna]

I know I'm gonna get slammed for this, but if you want to be a wife make sure you have the skillset to be good at it. Men notice.

 

So what would YOU consider wife "skills"

[Ocean-Blue]

I've seen both men and women do this (myself included). When you're with someone for a long time, you have plenty of time to learn about what you want and don't want. The moment you find it, you go after it (because the alternative is no longer acceptable).

 

With regards to men specifically, it seems they aren't shy about going after a woman they want. They'll endlessly date various women, but will go for the jugular when they meet a woman who meets their standards/needs/wants. I've had gfs get dumped after years of being in a R, only to find their male SO marry another woman within months of the breakup.

 

Also, when they find one that reminds them of their mommy, they subconsciously commit. Unless, of course, mommy is a psycho.

[Woggle]

Being in a miserable relationship for so many years makes you appreciate when you find something great and when men find the one they go for her. An experienced man just knows when he finds the one too.

[2sure]

This makes me soooooo angry for these women! Sorry, but I, myself, expect a certain decency and respect toward the ex even after the end of a relationship.

 

Oh- and these men and women are in their late 20s/30s. Is it REALLY necessary to jump into something so quick. Life doesn't end at 30 if you're single!

 

What your saying is that if a couple breaks up...they need to wait more than 4-6 months to become engaged should they meet someone they want to marry. Can you imagine meeting the man of your dreams , who you KNOW you want to marry...dating him for 6 months...he asks to marry you and make you the happiest woman in the world. You are both late 20s to late 30s, the perfect time for most people to begin a marriage or family....But you have to say:

 

I'm sorry, I have to say NO out of respect for the last guy I dated. Our relationship ended more than 6 months ago(assuming you werent cheating) , I love you, and dont want him, but I out of obligation to him I refuse to move on with my life.

[amaysngrace]

Good lord amaysngrace, how did you deal with that???????

 

What do you mean?

 

Nah...at first I was offended. I was like "holy crap how could he replace me so soon? I only left him three months ago and just told him I don't love him anymore last week".

 

I was being a little mental. But then I took out a pen and a paper and thought about why I'd want him back. There was nothing to put on the paper.

 

So it was really just a moment of me being "I don't want him you can't have him". Luckily that only lasted about one moment.

[Meaplus3]

Well IMO, Rushing into another marriage or LTR after getting out of one is probably not the brightest move. I think one needs ample time to recover form the last Relatiohsip and truly find out what thier heart really desires. I would guess that it's possible for one to set themselves up for failure when rushing into something so soon. Just my thoughts.

 

Mea:)

[clv0116]

So what would YOU consider wife "skills"

 

The typical old fashioned skills needed to manage a household, things like preparing healthy food from basic ingredients, keeping a house clean and tidy, ensuring family members have appropriate clothes and such for each day, traditional things like that. A woman who is capable of caring for the domestic needs of her household in a capable and efficient manner.

[shayna]

The typical old fashioned skills needed to manage a household, things like preparing healthy food from basic ingredients, keeping a house clean and tidy, ensuring family members have appropriate clothes and such for each day, traditional things like that. A woman who is capable of caring for the domestic needs of her household in a capable and efficient manner.

 

Haha- but seriously- how would one know in only a few months that a woman could do all that if they aren't living together? Actually, oddly enough, my ex hated that I did all that. But then again, he was a bit "different" from others.

 

2sure: you raise an interesting point except that I have never been that surely in love with anyone myself yet that I could get married so quickly. But that's just my bad luck I guess. And yes, I would wait out of respect for my ex. If you are so in love with that person and that love is true, that person can and will certainly wait for a better time for all involved. I always question folks that rush into things- if its real, it'll be there in a year when you are better able to process things...You may as well use that year to make sure its right (with the added benefit of sparing some poor ex's feelings).

[alwayssme]

yes i do believe its disrespectful to your ex in a way and not only that but serioulsy in all reality...4-6 months is nowhere near enough to truly know someone enough to marry them...i personally dont understand at all how u can be with someone for so many years and then completely act as if the other person doesn't exist...i wouldnt like myself to be in a situation like that...also at 30 i would like to be married or something...soo yes it could be the age that makes some men (or women) want to get married.

[9Lives]

sometimes a relationship has run its course WITHIN the relationship and you know it. there may have been things that has happen that has prevented you from really making that connection even though you are together at the time. some men will stay with a women in his quest for the women he is looking for in the meantime. its like they are comfortable but they know you are not the one. I think men will play that card. the only thing the woman can do is move on. I don't think that if he marries someone shortly after a long relationship that he can truly be happy with another person so fast. at first all relationships are wonderful but when those hard times hit...thats when they start to question their decision. it is too late then. women have so many responsiblities in a relationship to protect her life, her heart, her future cause a man will take it all and trade it in for something that aint sh@t. I have seen them do it. I wish I did not love men. they are so twisted in so many ways but hey...i love a man. they are the most risky investment I know of

[ate_the_paint]

I saw a coworker do just that. Within 2 months of breaking up with his gf of nearly 10 years he was engaged to another woman.

 

After my breakup I had this big void in my life. My life and my house seemed so empty without a woman around, and as I was dating I was tempted to take things to the next level quickly to fill some emotional need but thankfully I held back.

 

Now, nearly 9 months on, I'm quite content as a single. My new place is all mine, my style of dress is all me, I do what I want with my friends, and I spend my money where I want. I've even been able to map out my life goals and started to work towards them, all without distraction. In the future, whether I meet someone else or not, I'm not going to deviate from my chosen path too much.

 

Of course, I do miss cuddling with someone in front of the TV and I miss the sex and I miss the romance.

 

Sometimes I think back to my coworker and how I felt when my ex had her affair, and I feel that I dodged a bullet by staying single and I feel that my coworker wasn't able to deal with life on his own.