stuck between a rock and a hard place

[waiting13]

i know this post is very long but it would be nice if someone read it

 

ok. so im 19. and i never had a boyfriend stick around for long, the most is three months.

so my last boyfriend, i met him, and we hit it off and talked for two months getting to know each other and then we finally started dating.

i knew he had a past and i was ok with it because i didnt know it in detail and i was happy that way.

when we started dating, it was about two weeks before i started my freshman year. now my senior year i had became a kinda bitter because my junior year i had a relationship that really messed me up cuz i tried to be friends afterwards and it just prolonged my feelings and it made me suffer so i cut that off.

so anyway, before i started dating this guy, i thought maybe i shouldnt because college and new guys and new experiences and everything but i really liked this guy so i decided to give it a shot. and besides im not one for random hook ups, ive had like two in my life and i didnt feel good after either one.

so i gave him a shot and i fell for him and i had sex with him, i was a virgin before him so it was a big deal for me to trust him enough with that and i loved him so it was what i had been waiting for. i wanted to be in love with my first.

so i dont really remember how but we got to the topic of how many people he had been with, and i personally just wanted a number, no details because sometimes he would hint at the things he had done and it didnt make me feel good at all. i felt like he was being a real idiot by not noticing that his hints hurt me.

but anyway, instead of just giving me a number, he tells me his whole history with names and everything. it bugged me because not only would he hint to his past all the time but he still was friends with all of his exs and all of the girls he slept with.

i told him it bugged me about a week after he told me and he kinda made it about himself. he told me he shouldnt have said anything and that he didnt like his past himself but its his past and he learned to accept it and then he said he was going to take a walk.

i felt horrible for making him feel bad. but he still continued to talk about them and brag about them to me. i was his girlfriend not his homeboy that he could brag about how many girls hes been with, i didnt understand what was wrong with him.

so i meant me telling me to cut it out as a warning to if he didnt stop it, i'd have to end it. because its one thing that people have a past, its another to keep mentioning it to your current girlfriend. but i knew it was a defense mechanism because he had been really hurt in the past by girls and this personality of being a guy who sleeps around was how he could sleep around and not feel anything.

but anyway i was pretty depressed for a while because he continued to do what bugged me and my friends tried to help me. and it didnt make it any better when he went out dancing with his friends which included the girl he slept with before me. but he still was a nice guy to me when the defense mechanism would disappear.

After about three weeks of this, my friends were sick of seeing me this sad so they decided a night of hanging out and drinking with friends could help. There was this game of spin the bottle and i pecked one of my guy friends on the lips and it didnt really bother me and i didnt really think of it

Later in the night, I hadnt eaten anything and we decided to drink. Now one of my guy friends was extremely nice to me the whole time i had been depressed over this guy. I got drunk really fast and I dont really remember anything but my friend told me I made out with him.

Now i felt horrible because i did love my boyfriend of that time and even tho he was being stupid by mentioning his past to me all the time, i knew he loved me too.

I was honest with him about it because i felt lying to him would just be plain wrong. Thats when i saw how much he really did love me because he cried and he was really mad at me. But he agreed to try to give me a second chance. So i felt good and i decided to really put my whole heart into making it work.

But two weeks later, he calls me drunk (we're both very horrible when we've drank), and he broke up with me because he felt like he couldnt get the picture of me kissing someone else out of his head and he could forgive me but he just couldnt forget it.

now i felt awful because i knew what i did was wrong and he had every reason to leave me.

 

Now its been over a year since he left. and hes tried to be my friend ever since and im the kind of person that doesnt think exs have any place in my life. all of them have left me so im always the one hurt and im always the one left to pick up the pieces of my heart and whenever i try to be friends with them i suffer because i still like them and i know they dont want me.

 

but for some reason with this ex, i cant seem to just cut him off. i know he believes in keeping me as a friend because he said that maybe we could date in the future and maybe we just need to mature and he really thinks im an awesome person, he calls me beautiful and brilliant all the time. and he tells me he cares and to bundle up when i go outside and to let him know when i get home if im out late. he told me he thinks he really was an idiot while with me and acted the way he did because he didnt want to fall for me even tho he did.

 

and a part of me wants to try again but i saw a side to him after we broke up that im not sure i like. i know his defense mechanism is to be this guy that doesnt have feelings and sleep around. but it still hurts. he wa really mean to me afterwards and i know he was hurt. i hate that side to him and especially because right after we broke up, he called me drunk that same week bragging to me he got to make out with the chick that would always flirt with him at work. i know he did that to hurt me and it did hurt. especially since he had a huge thing with her from when we broke up which was end of october 2007 that lasted mid-2008 and he thought he was completely in love with her. and to be honest, she didnt want him because she would never date him and would always go back to her exboyfriend.

 

i felt like wow he could give her so many chances but not me?

 

and i just dont know what to do. i have kissed other people since him, theres been two guys since him, one guy really fell for me and i couldnt fall for him, it was a long distance relationship for four months and it eventually ended with us having sex and he was a virgin. i dont regret it because i did like him alot, i just couldnt fall for him. and the other guy, i thought i could really fall for him and things went really slow for a while and when we finally kissed he just disappeared. i dont really consider either of those two guys a boyfriend.

 

and now this ex is back in my life, talking to me whenever he gets a chance and im just not sure why he is doing this. i think hes just genuinely trying to be my friend. but from the things he says im not sure if thats just it. I dont think i can ask him because i dont want him stupid defense mechanism. but he says all these things and im just not sure what to believe.

 

 

 

i know this post is really long but i could really use some help because im trying of not being able to chose between cut him out completely or being a friend. i know choosing either option is going to be hard but its been too long for this to keep going on.

[o_hopeless_o]

to me it makes me mad that he had gotten so mad about you cheating, which i know is a bad thing and kissing someone else is not acceptable but at the same time it was because you were hurting so much FROM him. he wasnt even realizing how much it bugged and dragged on the subject of his ex's and etc. he said sorry then kept doing it. once he said sorry he shouldnt have done it anymore.

 

in the long run it really up to you to decided. i know its hard but yeah. i have had that and he was my first love but im just being friends with him because i love him but im not in love with him. many times before he'd come around give me attention then id think oh maybe there is hope but once i gave him attention and wanted to make things work, he'd disappear. even now he tells me wonderful things but i wont fall for it. but this guy you may never know cause i have many trial and errors with my first love to know his routine and i just got sick of it. i dont know what your boys intentions are thats what makes it so hard. just stay with caution if you do choose to give him a chance or find it could be more than friends.

 

just sharing my experienece! hope it gave you some insight.

[waiting13]

thanks. that's really helpful.

 

im trying to be his friend. we hung out last week and it wasn't too unbearable. im just worried that im going to end up wanting to try again and he doesn't want to.

[waiting13]

so i told him how i felt and how i wanted a second chance and he said he doesnt feel that way.

 

so im back here trying to pick up the pieces.

 

a little help anyone?