jonnyfive Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 hello everyone. i never thought i would find myself on a relationship forum but i need some intellectual, non-biased advice hopefully from someone who has had a similar experience. i was in a relationship for a little over 6 years with a woman i loved and still love deeply. we never married but we lived together and we had 2 kids. we had these kids at a pretty young age therefore there were a lot of things left unaccomplished and sacrifices made by both of us. after time i became severely depressed, i started acting in ways unimaginable to me. i would go out and stay out all night with friends, i was selfish and inconsiderate, and i ran off with another woman. all of this was because i didnt take notice to my own depression. i had never suffered from such an illness so i didnt realize what was wrong until the damage was done to my partner. after all the verbal and emotional abuse that i put her through i continued to spiral downward, going out, drinking, all the bad things imaginable even after i begged for chance after chance and she gave them to me. finally i hit rock bottom when she decided to call it quits. i was trying to fix myself but i just didnt know how and i finally bit the bullet and went to see a doctor/counselor who diagnosed me with severe depression/anxiety and i was put on meds and i was forced to see a psych since i was borderline suicidal. during the separation i begged for one last chance knowing what was wrong with me and swearing on the world that i would change. it wasnt like me to act like that so i knew i would change. she just couldnt bring herself to giving me that chance so it was over. i dedicated my life to getting better and 9 months later i can say im tip top. it was a long road but i made it. during that time my ex and i had many fights, disagreements about the kids, the whole 9. but after time as i got better and i stopped all the pointless banter and she did as well we get along even joke from time to time. now we dont talk about our personal lives or getting back together, we kind of just talk about the kids, set meetings and things like that, doctors visits. recently we had a bday party for our 2 year old where we had my fam and her fam all together and it was fun, everyone got along, she even took her new bf. now to get to the point. the woman i ran off with when i was with my ex is still in my life. i dont mean to sound like an ahole because by no means did i do this intentionally its just what happened, but in the beginning she was great to me because she served as an ego-booster. i was in such a depression that all the attention she flung at me was misconstrued by me as true feelings. after this long ordeal i had an epiphany the other day when i just couldnt stop thinking of my ex and it wont go away. i know i am still madly in love with her and this other girl (for lack of better wording) has served her purpose in my life. i look back and my sole intention was to better myself for my now ex. im better but i dont have my ex. i wish i could read between my own lines but if it were that easy no one would be here. i feel like i want us to be a family again. i miss her. i never stopped missing her. even more importantly i never stopped loving her. am i misunderstanding my own feelings? am i just guilty? do i have a fix-whats-broken complex? i dont know. perhaps im just unsure of the future and she is a certainty in my heart. please, before you comment know one thing about me. the reason i became so depressed was because i worked myself to the bone for my family and i never felt it was good enough. my ex and my kids were, and still are, THE most important thing in my life and forever will be.
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