Alex_M Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 So I posted here months ago and was devastated and everything. Long story short: GF of 2 years leaves after my repeated lack of attention to her. Basically she lost her feelings for me from disappointment I think. Obviously this wasn't my intention at all, I spent a lot of time talking to her, but not enough with her. She always has some of those guy vultures around her waiting for a breakup, so she's just started dating some guy. I know she took the breakup hard and this guy isn't to her "usual" taste at all. Sounds to me like a rebound to stop thinking about me. She still keeps the bear I gave her on her bed for god's sake lol. But I don't think she has any real feelings other than the "old love" feeling to be honest, maybe some sexual attraction and some confusion. So I want to start a fresh with her, sweet her off her feet and if it works then good, it's worth it. If it doesn't, I will probably be hurt again, but honestly I've already come to terms that it's over forever. So I now feel ready to give it another go. I know you can't MAKE someone like you, but all I want to do is rekindle a dead spark if even such a thing is possible. How do I knight in shining armour sweep her off her feet and show her that I'm still the guy she cuddled up to and admired. Girls? What's your fantasy for a guy to do for you? (no sexual stuff, never was really an issue)
Ronni_W Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 If an ex of mine wanted a snowball's chance in hell of reconciling with me, he sure ain't gonna get anywhere by trying to con (manipulate) me with "sweep me off my feet" gestures! Telephone her and ASK if she has any interest in discussing with you the potential of a reconciliation. Express your understanding that she may have serious reservations. Explain the actual steps that you have taken since the break-up, to improve your relationship skills and ability to be a fully engaged partner -- give the titles of books, the URLs of websites, the names of therapists. What will be her concrete evidence that she has a real chance of having a much-improved experience with you? My suggestion would be to give her proof of that, not some one-time, knight-in-shining-armour fantasy that she's likely to see through as a very temporary (and manipulative) thing. In any event, I do wish you good luck...hopefully things will work out for the best, for both of you.
eDave Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I'm a guy but great advise from Ronni. You have to decide if you are 100% in or not. Anything less and you are not really ready. So many people here "I am a changed man" too many times and have been burned too many times. So if this is what you want to do, decide you are 100% in and be 100% in or else you are just jerking her around. You sound sincere thus far so I am not implying you are trying to jerk her around. Just thinking from her perspective. Thank you from me too Ronni for the advise. I ruined my relationship and would very much like to reconcile but I am not 100% sure yet. I never was 100% in. As I heal here, I tend to forget that. I have to use that to my benefit, and for hers.
Author Alex_M Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Hmm I do understand what you're saying. Thanks a bunch for the input. I hope it doesn't come across as manipulative. It's truly something I would do, I'm an old fashioned romantic. I just want to relight a spark that's still there, not manipulate her into liking me. I feel that anything other than a natural attempt is going to feel wrong and inevitably end badly. What kind of proof would you suggest? I have said to her that I finally understand what she meant after all this time. It upset her to hear it "too late". The main problem is she's lost faith in me, and it's dwindled her romantic interest. - I think, I can't read minds ya know! @eDave: Yeah after these 4 months I've had a lot of time to think, and I really did see myself with this girl for marriage and family. But you're right, you've reminded me that in the past I may have 100% loved her, but I wasn't 100% active. I should have always been perusing her in interest. But it's something i've naturally learned from my mistakes. A bit of a taste of my own medicine.
Ronni_W Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I'm an old fashioned romantic. I just want to relight a spark that's still there, Old-fashioned romantics are delightful BUT they do have their time and place -- doing it now is not going to compensate for even one time that you didn't do it when you were together. Besides, you are only assuming (or somehow creating "evidence") that there is still a romantic spark there. Going all knight-in-shining-armour on her now will just show that you're totally ignoring/disrespecting that she's dating someone else. That's NOT romantic at all! (Doesn't matter if he is or is not a rebound. Which, those can work out really well for the long-term, btw.) In any case, a big romantic gesture won't necessarily ignite or increase any "romantic spark" that she may still have. Her loss of confidence (faith) in you is a seperate issue, which won't be remedied by mere romantic gestures. Knight-in-shining-armour now, when you are NOT in relationship with her, will just show that you've got a bit of bassackward idea of what is appropriate relationship behaviour, when. Coming on hot-and-heavy and "old-fashioned romantic" too early in any relationship is NOT really a "natural" thing to do. It can come across as desperate or retarded (depending on how the specific woman is gonna look at it. Or, desperate AND retarded, even.) And, that is how you've got to look at it -- as being the early, early stages of a NEW relationship. If she agrees to meeting with you, that is. That won't even be a first date. It's just you guys talking about maybe going on a first date. A new beginning is a new beginning. You're not gonna appreciate her any more if you just go into it with all your tired notions and old perceptions of who she is, what she likes, and what she dislikes. If you get the chance, you'll need to LEARN all about her -- approach every meeting and every day with a sense of newness, and wonderment, and ready to be amazed by the person you are with...THAT'S how "girls" (and "boys") like to be treated, and THAT'S how we get to stay appreciating and admiring instead of getting stuck in the mental pattern of taking our partners for granted. I meant the kind of proof that I said -- "From this book, I learned this about me." And, "When I talked about that situation, my therapist helped me to see that about my behaviour." And, "The reason that I took you for granted is this; and here's how I'm gonna stop myself from doing that again." Very specific proof. At least, that is what I'd need, to even consider a reconciliation with someone who has demonstrated an ability and willingness to take me for granted. If you don't have that to give to her, well...you know her better than I do. If you think a "sweep her off her feet" gesture (when she is dating someone else) may show you in the kind of favourable light that you want to be seen in, then go for it..
Author Alex_M Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 What do you think a better approach would be? Just to ask her out for lunch and go out for an hour and she can see if there's a difference for herself?
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Hi Alex. I'm not much good at giving advice here I think. Not much in the line of relationship experience. My ex dumped me back in November. He took me for granted, was planning things around his friends a lot without asking me what I wanted to do. We only saw each other at weekends, which naturally was also the time when he wanted to see his friends. I wanted to see mine too, but that didn't come into it. I let things go for too long without saying anything. Then there was a bust-up, unrelated to any of this. by the time I fired out everything I'd been feeling before the bust-up, it was too late. He apparently, had no idea what I was talking about. we never really talked about it after, although I wish we had, even if we'd gone our separate ways then. at least we would have addressed things. and then if it didn't work, fine. but he dumped me. I'm still reeling over it. Better than I was three months ago, but a long way to go yet. And still hoping against hope, that he'll contact me and do exactly what you're proposing to do. She dumped you because you weren't paying her the attention she deserved. But it seems like you have taken what she said on board. I think meeting up with her is a good idea. Lay your cards on the table. so many people here say the ball is in her court since she did the dumping, that it's up to her to make the contact. but in this instance, I think you should do what your heart is telling you. But be aware that you face rejection as much as you face reconciliation. I think it's so good that you realise your mistakes, and that you're humble enough to let her know this. Pride has no place in a loving relationship. best of luck and let us know how it goes.
not_a_happy_camper Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 What do you think a better approach would be? Just to ask her out for lunch and go out for an hour and she can see if there's a difference for herself? I think this is a good approach. Keep things light, and test the waters.
Ronni_W Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 What do you think a better approach would be? Just to ask her out for lunch and go out for an hour and she can see if there's a difference for herself? Well, anyone can act differently for an hour, and I'd guess she knows that, too. (There is NO WAY that you can count on a very brief, 60-minute meeting to help make your case for you...not even that much of an iota.) In fact. That you are even thinking along those lines seems to suggest that you are STILL not ready to be 100% committed to being a FULLY ENGAGED partner, doesn't it? Cos really, you have HOURS and DAYS and MONTHS of work to put in...to be there in relationship with her (RELATING WITH her), fully present and accounted for, with your WHOLE mind, body, heart and spirit. To be present with, and available to her...for HOURS and DAYS and MONTHS. If you invite her for lunch, you may also want to tell her what is your motive for wanting to get together with her -- give her the chance to say, "Not interested in that, thanks," AND ALSO give yourself the chance to get off of any false hope and optimism. But. My honest opinion/suggestion? Give yourself some more time, and do some more self-growth work before you approach her -- that'll be you giving you a better chance to get a second chance...and to make the most of it, if you do get it.
Author Alex_M Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Thanks so much for the input again, as usual I really really appreciate it *refreshes page lots*. Ronni I really like hearing what you have to say. I'm not going to say you're wrong and I know everything because that totally isn't the case. I'm not posting on here to hear only what I want to hear and ignoring the rest. So please keep posting I just want to clarify that the going out with her for an hour or so is just to get talking to her again. I don't want her to take me back instantly with open arms. I want to start again, from the start. I don't want to build another relationship on crumbling foundations but rather see it as a new start and decide to build on rock instead of swamp land. - Brief recap about me and her. Let me know what YOU guys think happened. LDR for a little under a year, met online - started as friends, became something more gradually. Really loved her as a friend, and I still do. Perhaps that's why I wasn't always so romantic? It felt to me that I loved HER totally in whatever way you want to look at it, but not the relationship. It sounds horrible of me but really, i'm not horrible, just naive. We met for the first time, just before the Christmas of 2007. She had a 2 hour or so journey to come and see me by train. So we saw each other every month or so. She wasn't happy with this because she felt she needed to see me more. Near the end we were seeing each other every few weeks. We did have a break for a few days because she couldn't handle a LDR but she came back instantly and said she missed me and that she would see how she felt about it when she started uni. Then we start looking at university's she gets in to one 20 minutes drive away and we were so happy. She wanted me to stay with her and go and stay over for her birthday, I didn't because I'm an idiot and I had low self esteem from a bit of weight gain. She went home for her birthday, came back. Didn't call me. I called her, she was upset and ended it. I went over to talk to her, nothing changed. We both went home crying. - I guess I disappointed her one to many times. Her reasons were - "I don't know, I've already told you, It's still so far away, Everyone here has a boyfriend at the uni or is single, I don't feel the same about you any more." I would love her company all the time, but I never went the EXTRA mile, which she did tell me but I always though she meant in the instance that she brought it up and not on a whole. This was the main trouble with our communication. She would tell me she was annoyed at something, but in a lovely friendly way; like "why don't you make an effort *hug*" and I would stonewall it and be like "I DOOOOO". Probably the worst thing I could do, didn't understand and she knew she wasn't getting through to me. Eventually she would get really mad at me for something tiny, although I now know it was because of a cumulation of small things that I kept doing e.g. paragraph above. Now I know some of you may be thinking I'm a crappy boyfriend and that's why she left, end of, but I was always there for her, I respected her, I treated her like a princess, I teased her and treated her as well as I could, would never lie or cheat. and we shared all our thoughts together and at the end of the day were a part of each other. Neither of us were intentionally malicious and we loved each other very much. I just couldn't UNDERSTAND what it was I was doing. Now thinking back something springs to mind. A few weeks before the breakup she said she was unhappy because she was always "relying on me to do anything", like she needed me for everything and she wanted her independance back. Is that a real issue do you think, and infact what does that truely mean? - Would like to discuss this point a bit.
Ronni_W Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 It felt to me that I loved HER totally in whatever way you want to look at it, but not the relationship. It sounds horrible No, it doesn't sound horrible at all. What came to my mind there is that it sounds as if...well. You know how we love our parents and pets and grandparents when we're kids? Just loving them is enough...we don't have to do anything else...no worries about their "emotional landscapes", or crap they're dealing with at work/school, or what is actually making everything "work". So. It sounds like you just transferred that level of loving to your adult relationship. Like, "Hey, I love you. I never had to do anything more than that. What more am I supposed to do???" As you say, it is just an under-developed understanding of relating as a grown-up...you couldn't have done what you didn't know to do. BUT you will now better, for next time. That's the lesson the relationship had the power to teach you . Of course, not saying that this is accurate, just that it is what came to my mind. ..she said she was unhappy because she was always "relying on me to do anything", like she needed me for everything and she wanted her independance back. It can be interpreted a few different ways: "I'm always relying on you to do anything [that will demonstrate that we're in an adult relationship but you just haven't done that yet.]" "I'm always relying on you to do anything [because I think you don't like me going out by myself, but then I'm often left sitting home alone cos you don't come through with any 'dating activity stuff' (or you change our plans at the last minute, or whatever).]" If it is that she started realizing how dependent on you she had become for her social, mental, emotional and spiritual fulfillment, then yes, it WOULD eventually become a big issue for her that she's on the path to low/no self-esteem, self-confidence and self-reliance...or maybe she already got there, and it felt as if the best way to turn it around was to eliminate the "thing" on which she had become so dependent. (Whew! Long sentence - does it make any sense? ) Of course, that she allowed the situation to happen in the first place is on her -- she is responsible for facilitating her own esteem, etc. (As are we all, for our own.) And if that was her reason, conscious or subconscious, for breaking up, then it is still pointing to her not knowing a better way to "fix" her 'self' issues. That is not about you, but about her. Which, I know doesn't make the healing any easier...but perhaps it can help with your own self-esteem and self-confidence(?)
Author Alex_M Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 She said she had "made the decision" and was so sorry for everything. I dunno what can be read into that. I don't know if i stated but I haven't got any closure. I really need to know why she chose to leave. It seemed mainly through loss of feelings. What does everyone think? Her self confidence has sometimes been an issue but I don't know why, she's stunning. Not in a "I think she's stunning" kinda stunning. I mean she really was really beautiful, cut and sexy all wrapped into one.
Ronni_W Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Self-confidence is much deeper and broader than just physical appearance! It's how we feel about ourselves, deep-down: Our worth (on a spiritual as well as human level), our inherent gifts and talents, our levels of emotional and intellectual intelligence, our learned skills, etc. When I said, "I'm so sorry" to my ex, it was in context of my inability to make things work, and his inability to make things work, and our inability to make things work. Although it wasn't clear to me at the time, I chose to leave because that was the next step in my personal Life Blueprint or Soul's Mission (or whatever you wanna call it.) She chose to leave to further HER OWN growth and fulfill her own Purpose -- that's how Life and relationships work -- we do things consciously and unconsciously with that as our primary "higher" goal. If you can't get closure from that, it just makes it so very, very tough cos you'll keep thinking/believing that you could have changed something; that you somehow had the power to influence her "higher" stuff. Bottomline, Alex, if you need to have a conversation with her to try to find your missing answers, ask her if she'd mind helping you. She may not have your answers, but she may be empathetic and willing to help even if she has no romantic interest in you. Good luck.
Author Alex_M Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 She always used to say during the relationship that if anything ever happened to us that she still seriously wanted to be friends. But when push came to shove... She just wasn't there for me. I guess it was awkward or something. I took it kinda bad. I really do feel that she was something that was going to be special forever.
Author Alex_M Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 I called today once and got no answer so i'm going to try again tomorrow. Just gonna have a chat, and ask her out to lunch for the following weekend (The one after this one). She will probably say no. I think so she can see if i'm still unstable. If she does, I'll say that it's fine and just have a normal conversation and leave it. Hopefully she'll call back after a week or so. Otherwise i'll have another go. Just trying to get the ball rolling, one step at a time.
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