theniceguy Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Everybody has heard the phrase "I want to take things slow" or "I don't want to rush things" or "Let's see where things go". To someone who is not used to taking things slow, to someone who is used to rushing things, and to someone who absolutely wants things to go somewhere...the opposite sounds difficult. Why? because to the person who isn't used to these things, it can be hard to figure out how to do this. It has been said that if you really like someone, then take things slow and don't rush into anything. In this fast paced society that we live in, some people, and I know I'm not the only one, just don't take things slow. I haven't really taken things slow for the past 10 years. There have been a few dating relationships that I have, but not very many. I'm used to moving fast. It's in my nature. Why am I bringing this up? Because I recently met a woman who I did not expect to like. I expected to have fun with her and hang out and meet someone new, things I enjoy doing. And then I slowly started to like me. She said she wanted to take things slower than I was originally taking things. I want to. But I'm not sure how to. I'm not used to it. I've read other older threads that talk about the exact situation...where the person doesn't initiate the talking or hanging out and when we're hanging out, things are great but when we're not I'm not sure where things are or how she feels about me...and it's all very weird. I've had girls that have liked me more than I like them pursue me and it's strange to me, but I like it. When girls don't pursue me, it makes me wonder why I'm not good enough. I know I'm not alone in this whole thing. I just wish things were easier because this is a girl that I think I could like more and I don't want to push her away by accidentally rushing things...again. It's happened a few times before and I don't want history to repeat itself again.
Ronni_W Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I read that you're putting it on your habit of acting "fast paced" but I'm getting a sense of neediness/insecurity on your part ("it makes me wonder why I'm not good enough" and "I'm not sure where things are or how she feels about me"). It sounds as if possibly you need to have near-instant and then constant contact, or your self-doubts kick in. That isn't about being "fast-paced" or unable to relax, obviously. Relief for that is to work towards increasing your self-esteem and self-confidence. If this sounds like something you want to explore further, the "what is low self-esteem?" link on this page http://www.coping.org/ may be helpful. If you also want to improve your ability to slow down and relax, techniques include: stress reduction workshop, breathing exercises, meditation, yoga/pilates, sports/gym, gardening, hobbies, etc. It's a choice that you have to make, though, to actually slow down and start doing things because they bring you feelings of inner calm and peace.
LovieDove24 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Ronni hit the nail on the head with this one. Sounds to me as if you have insecurities if someone is not all over you. And believe me I can completely relate. His advice to take up hobbies, meditate once a day, do breathing techniques...all of these things can provide you with a "self made" contentment that will hold you over during your days apart from your lady. Hang tight buddy you can do it. Being self aware is the first step.
Author theniceguy Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 I appreciate your replies and advice. I am aware of my insecurity and self-esteem issues and co-dependency issues and I am trying to work on them through various outlets. But what I'm more talking about is that I have dated several women in the past few years. Most of them involve hooking up with them hours or days after meeting them. That's not a good way to take things slow. If I continue to hang out with this person or date them, then subconsciously those co-dependency issues can appear. Now, many of my dating relationships have ended for several different reasons: the woman was never able to let go of some other guy, they weren't ready for any type of commitment, they didn't like getting into little arguments about stuff that was important to me, for some it was a relationship of convenience, and I'm sure the list goes on but my mind isn't coming up with other things right now. I have an urge to get physical with some women sooner than I should if I'm not looking for a relationship. The thing is is that I got physical with this woman when I wasn't looking for any relationship. I'm still not sure what I want, but she wants to take things slower. We've hung out since then and I've tried to take things slower by not calling her much, by not sleeping in the same bed, by not expecting or giving more than I should. But I'm so used to rushing relationships, subconsciously, that it's hard to know what is acceptable to do to move slowly with a woman and what is not.
Ronni_W Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 it's hard to know what is acceptable to do to move slowly with a woman and what is not. Not sure I'm getting it but...you can clue me in, as necessary. If she is saying that it went too fast mainly due to the "early" sex then, in general, "slowing things down" would mean dialling back the frequency (or even temporarily stopping sexual activity altogether.) Specifically, and *IF* you want to continue hanging out with her, then you do need to ask her what are her limits and suggestions for slowing things down. It's open to personal perspectives and preferences, so you don't want to start guessing or getting input or "advice" about it from anyone other than the lady in question. Be honest with her...you'd like to take it slower but you don't have much experience with that yourself, and you're also aware that your ideas about it may be very different from hers, in any case. So. "What do you need me to do and not do, for us to make this work better for you? And, here's what I'd really appreciate from you, for it to work better for me." That is, don't just be a doormat, either. Be assertive and express your own wants and needs, listen to hers, and then the two of you brainstorm compromises where needed...or decide that it won't/can't work due to too-differing needs and wants.
Author theniceguy Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Thanks. I appreciate the advice. I'll try that.
missdeathwish Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I'm going to "ditto" all the advice suggesting that you go straight to the source. Just ask the girl if she's comfortable with the speed at which things are going. How often do you call her? How often does she call you? It should be about equal if she's wanting to take thing slowly. If she never calls, it's probably that she's nervous about being overenthusiastic. I recently gave someone the "slow" line recently. I really like him, but I want to be sure about myself, my reasons for getting physical, as well as have a better understanding of where I stand with him.
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