anijanoki Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I have been reading post on here to familiarize me with the forum, and to gain perspective on my own situation One of the things that I must agree with is yeah you cheat, you choice to do, you need to take that full weight of consequences with as little whining as possible Having said that though, all circumstances are different and that’s why we are here looking for advice and guidance. So what’s up with me? I cheated on my husband. I want to blame it all on the fact that I am Bi-polar and recently diagnosed and that I went into a manic phase. At least my psychiatrist tells me to ease up on myself because in her opinion a lot of the decisions I made were because of it. My husband was there with me when I was seeking help and told her about it all. And when I think about my life prior to being diagnosed, I get why I made some messed up decisions. Anyway, I know better. I hurt the most awesome man in my life manic phase or not I was selfish to put my needs before his. Once the affair was made public my marriage was hanging by a thread. Divorce papers had been filed; new living arrangements had been made. But yet, for whatever reason, he choice to make things work with me. And I am eternally grateful. I love this man; he has shown me more compassionate, understanding, support then anyone. I try hard to make it up to him. But fail miserably. I just can’t seem to get my act together. I look back, it’s been a year now since the affair, and don’t recognize the person I was. Maybe it’s because I have better control of my illness, and I am rediscovering who I really am, or at least that’s what it feel like. It’s a lot of retraining, and it’s hard. I try to suppress my feelings and needs to put my husband’s needs first, but yet sometimes feel so alone because of the distance I have created. And I want to cry out, but to who? And why do I deserve any sympathy? My husband has a hard time with me, understandably so, sexual intimacy is hard to come by. And it hurts to be rejected, it hurts my self esteem, it hurts emotionally, and the gut wrenching pain I feel physically because of it. Ugh I wish this on no one. I just don’t know where to turn to. My husband has told me what he expects of me and it isn’t anything unrealistic, but yet I just don’t seem to get it right. I am so needy and high maintenance and I have no right to be. And yet I am and that was makes it difficult for him. It shouldn't be about me but about him. So I try to put my feeling on hold and focus on him. How can I show to him that I’m sorry and I deeply regret my mistake and what to do nothing more than grow old with him and make him happy? And why is it so hard for me to just freaking forget about me.
Centuris Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 You said you are needy and high maintenance, like what? You are his wife. Do you ask for more than his resources allow? Just give a few examples. Is he annoyed with your requests?
Reggie Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 They say it gets better with time. I've read minimum 2=5 years for a BS to recover, somewhat. So, if you are only a year post discovery, I think, realistically, you can expect this to be rocky for some time to come. I'd say stick to your meds,therapy and decent behavior. Give your Husband 5 years or so to see if he can get past this. Act honestly and don't cheat anymore and it may comeback. No guarantees, as most times, it does not. But, it is still very early.
Author anijanoki Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 oneof the reason i strayed was my neediness. I just want to be with him, and I guess demand a lot of time and attnetion. I am a very physical person. So like when we are laying in bed watching tv, I am wondering why he doesn't play with my hair or rub my back. I want time with him away from the kids, and work, and just time where it's just us and we can focus on us. It's stupid stuff really. But it's allway been like that with me. A few years ago we read the I think 7 love languages, well mine is physical touch and quality time. He thinks all I want his sex, but it isn't that. I just want to feel appreciated. He tells me how it's always about me somehow. So I don't want to ask for anything, because again, I feel I don't have a right to ask for anything. And he has told me that I need to accept the consequences of my actions. My BP is still something I struggle with, I have to constantly watch my mood, and sometimes my up phases get out of control, that's the worse. Because that's when I think hey, why am I doing so much sucking up...It take a lot of mental effort to pull myself back to the "it isn't all about me" thought process Maybe it is too soon to expect anything more stable. I'm on constant watch to not screw things up. I have learn to hold my tongue and ask for forgivenss first, even if I think I am right. Just cause I don't want anything to escalate to the point where he regrets taking me back. My self esteem is just at a very low point. and that is part of my neediness problem. I scared too lose him
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 You need to journal. You need to write down your feelings so that you can look back and read when you were at your low points and see how far you've come. Part of the journal. should be where you write down all the things your husband does for you that you should be thankful for. And then another part should be about the things you do for him. You need to accept your husbands grace without expecting to debase yourself trying to prove that you are worth a second chance. He obviously believes you are or he would not have forgiven you. Do you know what grace is? The meaning of grace is: The unearned (you can't do anything to earn it), unmerited (you've never done anything to deserve it) favor of another, because they love you. If you learn how to journal you will not burden your husband so much being needy. Because you will express your feelings in it as well.
65tr6 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 How can I show to him that I’m sorry and I deeply regret my mistake and what to do nothing more than grow old with him and make him happy? And why is it so hard for me to just freaking forget about me. for starters....apologize in the language that he can understand....and then try to meet his top 3 emotional needs. And ask him for feedback.
OWoman Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 ani, it sounds as if he's not meeting your needs. Perhaps you - or perhaps both of you - feel your needs are unrealistic (you use terms like "needy" and "high maintenance") but nonetheless, they remain your needs. You may have messed up with the A, but it sounds as if you're being messed up now by having to crawl around hating yourself and getting insufficient return on that. Perhaps you're simply not suited. Perhaps you need someone who is better able to meet your needs, so that you're not driven into someone else's arms, and perhaps he's better suited to someone he doesn't feel is making unrealistic demands. Feeling as you describe is not healthy in a relationship.
Geishawhelk Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I'm just wondering here if he isn't witholding affection and making excessive demands out of a need to get payback, revenge, the upper hand? I take on board everything you said about owning your cheating, the Bi-Polar issue and the fact that you recognise your role in this. But whatever your situation - whatever anybody's situation - the fact that you cheated meant that you sought something elsewhere that you weren't getting from your relationship. Has he admitted his own shortcomings at all? Whilst I agree you are having to work to recreate a marriage worth keeping - I'm questioning now whether he isn't being manipulative and cruel, maybe...? - to get his own back and make you feel a heel.....
michelangelo Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I take issue with this statement a bit. Her spouse could be doing everything fine but her neediness and mental problems can have her perception distorted. A person cheats because of their own shortcomings. Sure, there are situations where their spouse contributes to their justifications/rationalizations they use to make it ok for them to cheat. Has he admitted his own shortcomings at all?
Author anijanoki Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 maybe my view is distorted. No he hasn't admitted fault. I am the one that made the one that strayed. So what I did as always going to far worse then anything he does. I told him the same thing I am telling all of you here. How I feel, and that I am trying to put myself in his shoes to understand his feelings. He says I am being a martyr. Being miserable doesn't make him want to connect with me. Has far as physical contact goes, he said he can get a piece of *** anywhere, he wants someone he can connect to. Once upon a time, he would have cared and he would have had empathy. But that time has passed So again, obviously I am failing at meeting his needs. When I suggest conselling his answer his that he has already told me what I need to do, but that I am not listening. He puts words in my mouth and interprets my actions as something they are not. When we got back together some friends of mine told me that I will never be right again, any argument from now on I will lose, and that I will always be the one that wasn't, isn't trying hard enough. That I should get use to the fact that he will always have the upper hand. And I will always be the bad one. Things are different, obviously so. And I feel his resentment. Maybe it is really me with all the problems. I love him so much, I know how some of you probably are saying that if I love him that much why did I cheat. I don't have an answer for you. I know that I don't want to lose him. He is good to me. And I am the one that needs to make it right. But maybe I am the one that is so screwed that I can't see beyond me. Maybe he's right, I am a martyr and nothing he does, I do will be good enough... I don't want to call it quits, I beleive this marriage is worth saving, and there is no one that I want to be with more then him. He knows me and we have been thru a lot. I am confused as to what I do and feel and why he doesn't see or interpret it the same. Ugh, maybe I need to just suck it up and get use to the fact that all of these is my fault. And I will always have the guilt. Maybe my neediness and mental problems are what makes me miserable and unaware of the bigger picture
Author anijanoki Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 may I also add that last night, I wanted so bad for him to touch me, I have been wanting him to touch for a few days now, so it could ease my mind that he is still on board on making this work. And i don't mean have sex. I mean caress me, rub my back, touch my hair, kiss the back of my neck, that kind of stuff. I mean I want it so bad I lose sleep over it. So anywa last night was the second night I couldn't sleep cause of it. So just after the lights were off, I knew I wasn't falling asleep, so I asked him to rub my back. He told me I should tell him that earlier, not when he is trying to fall asleep, and took his sleeping pills. i told him i just need it to soothe my anxiety. He asked me if I was going to need to go to the hospital again (I had a full blown panic attack a few days ago, were I was hyper ventilating, and felt like my body was crunching me.) and now I would be determine to keep him up all night. I cried, moved to the other side of the bed, and stayed up dealing with my torment. This morning needless to say after losing sleep two days in a row I wasn't feeling very good. On the ride to work this morning I told him I called my shrink to deal with what is going on in my mind, that i knew he resented me. He told me this is the kind of s*** he is talking about. Then the peice of a** statement. That I am very difficult to be around. That at first I said rub my back cause it hurts, then rub my back cause I have anxiety, that I changed my story. I know I just said rub my back, and I told him that, and he was like so your stupid and deaf. That hurted. And I feel like an moron for saying anything abouyt last night. I wish you guys could hear his side, to point out to me what I am missing. Because man I am feeling like maybe my view is distorted, he seems to think so
Author anijanoki Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 "I am trying to gain persperctive on this site, to learn what is going on in my head and what maybe going on it my husbands. I always feel bad when I fight with him. So if you read my two prior posts. I decided to try to make admends, because I do believe it boils down to me being the problem. So I emailed him this. Thoughts on it? Ugh and ugh! I often wonder what the F is wrong with me. You’re right, why can’t I go more then 2-3 days without screwing things up. I do see your frustration. I do see how you try and try and get fed up with the outcome and your lack of desire to keep trying. I see it! And yet I am so f***ing messed up. But I want so bad to make us work. I mean I want it so bad it physically hurts me to know how I am screwing things up. And the fear of screwing up enough to make you want to give up on me on the marriage, that fear is so gut wrenching. I messed up, I mess up. I know you give me honest feedback, and tell me clearly what it is you want, but it’s like those things move out of sight when I don’t focus on them. So make me a list. I know how stupid that sounds, but make me a list that I can print out and carry with me, so when I am f***ing things up, I can pull it out and refocus. I know that will help me a lot. I am a very visual person. And touching and seeing and feeling something makes it much more real for me. So a physical piece of paper I can feel, touch & look at, I know will make it sink in ]I am truly sorry about how hard I make things. It isn’t my intentions. You do mean the world to me. You mean so much more to me than anyone else. I want you by my side always and forever. You’re my northern star. And you guide me down the path that will make me a better wife to you, a better mom, and a better person. You are my sunshine, my all, and although I poorly show it I’m devoted to you and feel much adoration and admiration for you. I love you."
Geishawhelk Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I take issue with this statement a bit. Her spouse could be doing everything fine but her neediness and mental problems can have her perception distorted. A person cheats because of their own shortcomings. Sure, there are situations where their spouse contributes to their justifications/rationalizations they use to make it ok for them to cheat. If you read my post, I acknowlege her part in this. You're right. but in any schism in a relationship, there are matters on both sides that need to be addressed. It could be minor, it could be negligible, but in a person's eyes, if they feel wronged, they may be huge. I was merely trying to establish whether her husband had also addressed any issues on his own side which could be looked at. I'm just asking you to see that with the demands he has made upon her, and with the things he has requested of her, it seems a bit one-sided..... I mean, just look at these remarks.... He says I am being a martyr. Being miserable doesn't make him want to connect with me. Has far as physical contact goes, he said he can get a piece of *** anywhere, he wants someone he can connect to. Once upon a time, he would have cared and he would have had empathy. But that time has passed So again, obviously I am failing at meeting his needs. When I suggest conselling his answer his that he has already told me what I need to do, but that I am not listening. He puts words in my mouth and interprets my actions as something they are not. When we got back together some friends of mine told me that I will never be right again, any argument from now on I will lose, and that I will always be the one that wasn't, isn't trying hard enough. That I should get use to the fact that he will always have the upper hand. And I will always be the bad one. Things are different, obviously so. And I feel his resentment. Maybe it is really me with all the problems. I love him so much, I know how some of you probably are saying that if I love him that much why did I cheat. I don't have an answer for you. I know that I don't want to lose him. He is good to me. And I am the one that needs to make it right. But maybe I am the one that is so screwed that I can't see beyond me. Maybe he's right, I am a martyr and nothing he does, I do will be good enough... I don't want to call it quits, I beleive this marriage is worth saving, and there is no one that I want to be with more then him. He knows me and we have been thru a lot. I am confused as to what I do and feel and why he doesn't see or interpret it the same. Ugh, maybe I need to just suck it up and get use to the fact that all of these is my fault. And I will always have the guilt. ........Do you see where I'm coming from??
whichwayisup Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 First off, you and your husband need to learn and understand EVERYTHING you can about BP and get into counselling. Therapy and meds will help you with your BP and the mania.. Once that is more under control and you feel more confident about yourself, then fix your marriage...Hopefully your husband will stand by and give you time to fix 'you'. Right now the way you're thinking, processing everything isn't that healthy due to the BP, so with help and patience this can be fixed.
JennaGennaro Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 ". . . So just after the lights were off, I knew I wasn't falling asleep, so I asked him to rub my back. He told me I should tell him that earlier, not when he is trying to fall asleep, and took his sleeping pills. i told him i just need it to soothe my anxiety. He asked me if I was going to need to go to the hospital again (I had a full blown panic attack a few days ago, were I was hyper ventilating, and felt like my body was crunching me.) and now I would be determine to keep him up all night." I don't see this as unreasonable by your husband. Why don't you try it again, but on his time table (like when he hasn't taken sleeping pills to try to sleep)? Perhaps you are just not communicating effectively. It's good that you told him you wanted your back rubbed rather than to have him try and read your mind. Do like the other posters recommend and stick with your meds and your doctor appointments. Just try to be the best wife you can be and give him his space when it is obvious he needs it.
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