getting over an affair

[taylor]

Im not sure that is always true. Sometimes people are unhappy but things continue and people attribute what may be unhappiness to the hectic pace of life, raising children, job or financial stress, personal or family illness etc.

 

Its not always apparent that the trouble is the marriage itself. Some WSs communicate some dont. And just because you are married doesnt mean you suddenly have psychic powers.... if a BS says whats wrong and the WS says its work or something why wouldnt the BS believe them?

 

I hear what you are saying here, jj33.

 

But I look at it this way:

 

A hectic pace of life = less time devoted to the marriage = marital neglect = marital problems = unhappiness.

 

Raising children = less time devoted to the marriage = marital neglect = marital problems = unhappiness.

 

Job/Financial Stress = more conflict/stress on the marriage = marital problems = unhappiness.

 

Personal/Family Illness = more conflict/stress on the marriage = marital problems = unhappiness.

 

All of these are marriage stressors. All have great potential to put a marriage at risk. If these issues are stressing one or both of the partners, guaranteed they are stressing the marriage itself in some way.

 

A man may be stressed about losing his job. Guaranteed that will stress the marriage.

 

A woman may be stressed caring for children 24/7. Guaranteed that will stress the marriage.

 

The point is if a spouse is concerned enough to ask, "Is anything wrong?" that spouse is feeling the effect on the marriage....something doesn't feel right. His spouse may say, "Oh, it's my job..or it's the kids" but in the end, it also is the marriage.

[Reggie]

So here lies the dilemma. If there is a breakdown in communication between the couple (which is often the case when there are marital problems), or ineffective communication, or a fear of communication (uncomfortable), what is a couple supposed to do?

 

If one or both partners resist MC or IC, what is the couple supposed to do?

 

Alot of posters here believe WS don't try to communicate issues with their spouse. I don't believe it. I think it's hard NOT to tell that there are troubles in a relationship. You can just feel them, if you are at all invested.

 

If you get a gut feeling your spouse is cheating, surely you had an earlier gut feeling that something had to be out of wack with the marriage. Happy couples don't cheat.

 

I've read it is , indeed, very common for the WS to keep hidden marital dissatisfaction. So many BS's are blindsided by the cheating. That is not to asy that all was great before. But, many, many BS's are unaware of the extent of the dissatisfaction.

 

What is a spouse that is dissatisfied to do if he does communicate and it falls on deaf ears. Obviously, the answer is not to cheat. If there is no interest in MC, then the honorable option is divorce. If it comes to that and it servesas a wakeup call, the damage is way less severe. Very few people get past an affair with its attendant abuse and destruction of trust.

[taylor]

I've read it is , indeed, very common for the WS to keep hidden marital dissatisfaction. So many BS's are blindsided by the cheating. That is not to asy that all was great before. But, many, many BS's are unaware of the extent of the dissatisfaction.

 

What you say here makes alot of sense to me, Reggie.

 

But it makes me wonder why a spouse would hide marital dissatisfaction. I know I didn't. I didn't cram it down my husband's throat but he knew I was unhappy. He was unhappy as well. We both knew things weren't going well. We both knew there was a disconnection at least a year if not 2 years prior to the affair.

 

I can see where possibly one partner may be unaware of the extent of the dissatisfaction, but do you think it is also possible one partner may "tolerate" the unhappiness better than the other? One may feel a higher degree of dissatisfaction because he/she isn't tolerating the marital discord as well as the other.

 

I can also see how a partner could easily be blindsided by an affair. But I do not think many are shocked to know they have marital problems or that their spouse has been unhappy for awhile. I would think if there are problems, both partners are going to feel it.

 

What is a spouse that is dissatisfied to do if he does communicate and it falls on deaf ears. Obviously, the answer is not to cheat. If there is no interest in MC, then the honorable option is divorce. If it comes to that and it servesas a wakeup call, the damage is way less severe. Very few people get past an affair with its attendant abuse and destruction of trust.

 

I learned the hard way that affairs just make a troubled marriage more troubled.

 

And I agree that divorce is the honorable option.

 

However, I know in my case, the thought of divorce never crossed my mind. Nor did an affair. Certainly, I can't speak for all who have affairs, but I know in my case, I was not looking to get rid of my husband. I didn't want him out of my life. But at the same time, I felt empty inside and so disconnected from him. We couldn't seem to find our way back to each other.

 

And right in the midst of that, the OM came on the scene and for some reason he was able to fulfill something in me that my husband couldn't.

 

I got bashed with my first couple posts here because I said my marriage fulfilled 80 percent of my needs, the OM fulfilled the other 20 percent. Some posters said I should have been happy without the other 20 percent or tried to find it with my husband. That other 20 percent was important to me and I had been trying to find it with my husband. It wasn't working. We didn't know how to find it.

 

But I still didn't want a divorce. There was still alot of good in my marriage and I knew I still loved my husband. But it was like there was this big brick wall between us and we didn't know how to break it down.

 

I know an affair was not the answer, but neither was divorce, in my case.

 

I would venture to say some unhappy spouse are not willing to play the divorce card because that isn't what they want at all. They just want to fix their marriage and don't know how to make that happen.

[Reggie]

I also think, Taylor, that with the way the media portrays affairs, many who decide to go that route vs divorce, are unaware of just how damaging it really is. I think folks see actors and actresses getting over it and relationships recovering so easily in movies etc. that there is a real misconception about just how badly they are going to hurt their spouse and how permanently tainted any future nmarriage may be.

 

I know before this happened to me, I did not understand the pain a BS feels.

 

So, maybe that is why divorce sounds more frightening to a WS. If they only knew....

[taylor]

I am a emotional being (yes, I have no problems in admitting it!) and I strongly believe there are lot of men out there who fit that category. But the trouble is they may not feel comfortable expressing it. Not in front of their wives.

 

If not in front of their wives, then who? If that is the person you trusted to give your heart to, why be afraid to trust that person with your emotions? This is exactly what many women long for their husbands to do..to share their innermost feelings. It creates an unbelievable connection.

 

I dont know how the A changed your husband, but in my case, besides crying, every bit of emotion that was buried deep in my heart started to come out. It was like constant puking.

 

My husband did the same thing. It was very difficult for him to do..like ripping his soul from his body. I am sure he can relate to the "puking" image. But this was the start of our reconnection.

 

It continues to be a challenge for us. He can close up and shut down for days at a time. Sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get him to open up. I know the feelings and emotions are there but I have to dig to find them.

 

It can be very frustrating to ask, "What are you thinking?" and he says, "Nothing." Or I can ask, "How do you feel about this or that?" His response, "I don't really feel one way or the other." I can ask him how is day was. His reply in two words, "Not bad." He is not an emotionally expressive person.

[Reggie]

I think your husband, Taylor, is reacting quite normally. To express emotional pain makes one very vulnerable and he mayhave a very difficult time trusting you with that vulnerability.

 

Also, being betrayed is very humiliating. It is tough to give someone the power over one that opening up brings after this. It must feel like he is showing you weakness and giving you more power. It is difficult to preserve one's ego and showing this vulnerability is a sign that you won, in a sense.

[65tr6]

This is exactly what many women long for their husbands to do..to share their innermost feelings. It creates an unbelievable connection. .

learning the hard way taylor. I can only talk about me but once you are married, you do tend to take things for granted. As the "man" of the house, there are some things I didnt feel comfortable doing it. Expressing myself, my dreams, my plans emotionally. I rather do it as opposed to actually talking about it.

 

Lots of time, I kept them to myself and may be shared them with friends on occasion.

 

I dont know if I thought my wife was different from other women in not responding to emotional talk ?. I am not sure.

 

 

It continues to be a challenge for us. He can close up and shut down for days at a time. Sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get him to open up. I know the feelings and emotions are there but I have to dig to find them..

this is now after the A ? I am smiling because I feel that way about my wife. But then my wife is improving everyday. She had problems communicating.

 

I had no problems communicating but had problems expressing my feelings. Put 2 and 2 together, we had a disaster in the making.

 

All along my wife never actually knew how much she meant to me. And combine that with my behavior, now it all seems to make sense. She never felt loved and I never felt respected. And that was far from the truth. I guess men think logically which does not quite work very well with women. Something about emotions and women.

[65tr6]

The first option is not appealing at all. It's choosing to NOT live life to the fullest. To waste your life, in a way.."

you and i can say that. And few others here on this website but majority dont. Does it mean they are wasting their life ?

May be they are. I for one would not want to go back to that.

 

My wife said something that touched me. She said, if only she had continued with the giving up relationship and not had the affair then she would have been the only one suffering and would not hurt so many in the process. And that could have continued for rest of our lives. I was so tempted to say something the following but wisely kept quiet.

 

I was going to say that it is a very pessimistic view of looking at things. (but i also know my wife is very ashamed of what she has done). No matter how much I have been hurt from this, I still think there is lot of good that can also come out of this. I know it is a bit of twisted thinking that affairs do some good or may be because I am an eternal optimist. Or I just know that Divorce is not an option for us.

 

It is very difficult to pick up the pieces to work towards a more fulfilling marriage after a betrayal. But I believe it is possible. It is lot of constant work, committment. But when you do get there i think you feel much more rewarded.

[taylor]

learning the hard way taylor. I can only talk about me but once you are married, you do tend to take things for granted. As the "man" of the house, there are some things I didnt feel comfortable doing it. Expressing myself, my dreams, my plans emotionally. I rather do it as opposed to actually talking about it.

 

This is exactly how my husband feels as well.

 

The thing is when you share your thoughts, feelings, dreams, desires, fears, it can make your spouse feel like so much more a part of your life. It gives your spouse a way to feel what you feel...it's that magical connection you hear so much about on this forum.

 

 

 

this is now after the A ? I am smiling because I feel that way about my wife. But then my wife is improving everyday. She had problems communicating.

 

My husband has never been open emotionally. Stems from his childhood. His male siblings are all the same way. It's funny, but this is one of the things that first attracted me to him..his "mysteriousness." It was a challenge.

 

He is much more open now, post affair, as this is a requisite for our marital recovery. But he often still reverts to his old emotional self. But now I know and he knows it's detrimental to our ability to connect so we don't let it go on for too long. Like I said, I only let him close up for short amounts of time.

 

When he first started to open up to me ...soon after we started counseling, he said it was a very freeing experience, but admitted he wasn't used to doing it. It felt uncomfortable.

 

All along my wife never actually knew how much she meant to me.

 

This is exactly what I told my husband following D-day. He could show me how he felt, but never tell me. My husband is also very independent. I told him I got to a point where I thought I could just walk out the front door and that he could come home from work and not even realize I was gone. I got to the point where I felt like I didn't matter to him anymore. He said that was never the case.

 

He turned around and told me he didn't feel appreciated for all that he did. I think we women are guilty of that. We take for granted what our men do for us and that that may be their expression of love for us. We should be more cognizant of what they do rather than what they say. But, I'll admit, I do like to hear the pretty words as well.

 

I often asked my husband why he loved me. His answer was always, "Because I do. Why are you asking me such a goofy question." But there are times we women want to know these answers. We want to hear them.

 

 

She never felt loved and I never felt respected. And that was far from the truth. I guess men think logically which does not quite work very well with women. Something about emotions and women.

 

I'm glad you and your wife have this dynamic figured out in your marriage. It's going to go a long way to help you succeed in your marriage recovery, I think, 65.

[taylor]

No matter how much I have been hurt from this, I still think there is lot of good that can also come out of this. I know it is a bit of twisted thinking that affairs do some good or may be because I am an eternal optimist. Or I just know that Divorce is not an option for us.

 

This says alot about you as a person,65, and your views of marriage. To hear this kind of thinking from a BS is unusual to say the least. But I can truly appreciate it. It gives us WS hope that we can redeem ourselves and salvage a marriage that we nearly destroyed. Divorce is not an option in our book, either, because, even though I wavered in my commitment to the marriage, I still value it and him.

 

Maybe your thinking has something to do with the way you look at affairs...that you see the affair as a symptom, rather than the cause, of the marital strife. That wake-up call. My husband views it as such, as well.

 

I think another similarity between you and my husband is you are both very strong, confident men, comfortable in your own skin. You didn't let this affair destroy you and he didn't either.

 

One more similarity. You and my husband are both optimists. You and he both have alot of faith and hope that the marriage can be recovered. When we were at our lowest, just after d-day, this is the glue that kept us together. I believed because he still believed. I will always cherish him for not giving up when I, in fact, had. I share this belief with him now and we, like you, are working towards a common goal. No "given up" marriage for us.

 

But when you do get there i think you feel much more rewarded.

 

And this is the goal, isn't it?

[65tr6]

To hear this kind of thinking from a BS is unusual to say the least.

 

taylor, I have to admit. Sometimes it scares the hell of me. I believe your husband and I are in the minority. Trying to reconcile with a WW.

 

I just finished reading Peggy V.'s Monogomy is a Myth. I loved the book. Just reading through it validated my thought process about how she looks at Affairs with compassion. (Her husband had several affairs before she turned it around...what an inspirational effort!). Maybe that is exactly what I am trying to do except it is MUCH more difficult dealing with a wife who strayed.

 

 

You didn't let this affair destroy you and he didn't either.

Came very close for me though. lol. I really thought this was it. The world was coming to an end. Fast forward 4 months, we both now think we have come a long way. Time alone will NOT heal, as I am learning. It needs a very conscious effort from both to change it.

 

I believed because he still believed.

That is exactly what it is. It is the BELIEF. I had it on the d-day even in that tumultuous moment. You are looking for anything you can hang on to at that point.

 

My wife said last night, she cannot believe what she did. That she hurt me in such a manner. She also said she is frustrated that she cannot stack hands with me to make this any quicker. I told her it takes several months for someone in that situation to even think the way she was thinking and that she was doing great. Your posts are proving so useful to me taylor. As I said before it is like seeing the future and what to expect. Keeps my patience in check or rather learning how to keep it in check.

[taylor]

65,

 

There are times I kick myself in the butt wishing I would have reached out to this forum or to a trusted friend the minute I knew I was starting to develop feelings for this other man.

 

But I am not sure I would have even heeded any advice at that time. The EA was like a fast moving freight train and I was the conductor telling everyone to get off the tracks, get out of my way. I did have a good friend trying to knock some sense into my head as she watched me become more and more involved with this man. I didn't listen to one thing she said.

 

Its scary to think back and realize how powerful emotions can be..that they can override all logic, all common sense, all judgement and right thinking...if you let them.

 

I am glad your wife has been able to start turning this around. I am sure this glimmer of hope is a welcome sight to you. Your patience and hard work are starting to pay off.

 

I want you to know that I also find much value in your posts, 65, as you and my husband are walking very similar paths. And we are all learning as we go.

 

I hope you and your wife have a happy valentines day together. It will be our first since D-day. We are going to make the most of it.

[Owl]

While you may be "in the minority", it doesn't make you wrong...or mean you can't succeed.

 

This will be our 4th Valentine's day since our d-day.

 

My wife came up with a really great idea on something new to celebrate it this year...and we're going to our date for this new idea tonite.

 

I think that "one time cheaters" CAN recover a marriage, with work...a lot of work, to be sure, and a lot of personal growth on both sides.

 

But it CAN be done. I'm living proof of it everyday.

 

Now, on the Peggy Vaughn thing...honestly, I don't buy into it. I read her stuff way back during our "rough time". And frankly, all that I've seen since tells me that marital recovery with a SERIAL cheater is pretty much impossible. There are exceptions...but frankly...someone who knowingly does it TWICE simply isn't marriage material.

 

Taylor, you made a "one time" mistake by not enforcing your boundaries, and you learned from it. Same thing as my wife.

 

Now...you GET it.

 

If you didn't GET it...then recovery would be impossible.

 

I just wanted to encourage both of you...your marriages CAN recover, and be "better than before" as long as you all learn from the affair, and implement some changes based on that learning. It's WORK...but it can be done.

[taylor]

While you may be "in the minority", it doesn't make you wrong...or mean you can't succeed.

 

This will be our 4th Valentine's day since our d-day.

 

My wife came up with a really great idea on something new to celebrate it this year...and we're going to our date for this new idea tonite.

 

I think that "one time cheaters" CAN recover a marriage, with work...a lot of work, to be sure, and a lot of personal growth on both sides.

 

But it CAN be done. I'm living proof of it everyday.

 

Now, on the Peggy Vaughn thing...honestly, I don't buy into it. I read her stuff way back during our "rough time". And frankly, all that I've seen since tells me that marital recovery with a SERIAL cheater is pretty much impossible. There are exceptions...but frankly...someone who knowingly does it TWICE simply isn't marriage material.

 

Taylor, you made a "one time" mistake by not enforcing your boundaries, and you learned from it. Same thing as my wife.

 

Now...you GET it.

 

If you didn't GET it...then recovery would be impossible.

 

I just wanted to encourage both of you...your marriages CAN recover, and be "better than before" as long as you all learn from the affair, and implement some changes based on that learning. It's WORK...but it can be done.

 

Four words for you, OWL:

 

You are my inspiration.

 

Wishing you and your wife a happy valentine's day as well.