Isolde Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 It's interesting. I've always been typecast as sweet, somewhat shy/quiet, and innocent. I think being called sweet is a compliment, but the other things sometimes bother me, if only because they don't convey the numerous other qualities I possess, that people don't see until they know me for a while. (FWIW, I am happy with who I am, and don't need external approval--but I can't help being affected by what other people think!) I don't look or act twelve, mind you. I have breasts and curves and my demeanor is not childish. I do look a bit younger than 22, but I could be wearing lots of makeup, sexy clothes and be drinking and I'd still give off the sweet/innocent vibe. I really think this is part of the reason why guys don't approach me or chat me up unless they're tipsy. The thing is, I don't think that naivete is an attractive trait to guys in this day and age. I don't want to come across jaded, but I hate feeling like people can actually SENSE my inexperience. That makes me feel very vulnerable. Numerous people, including guys have told me in the past that they could tell I hadn't had a boyfriend. And people rarely assume that I am taken! What gives? I seem to convey some sort of virginal aura (and I'm not a virgin, on the contrary I love sex). I don't necessarily want to change, but it would be nice not to feel like a blushing schoolgirl at the mercy of the boys on the playground. What do you guys think? Is naivete, or the appearance of it, a turnoff or something that scares guys away?
RRyan65 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 What do you guys think? Is naivete, or the appearance of it, a turnoff or something that scares guys away? Depending on the social setting, yes. If you are in a sexually driven environment (basically anywhere where there is drinking involved), you cannot come off as shy. If you do, you will still attract men, but you'll attract the jerkiest of them. On the other hand, if you come of as flirtatious (maybe some light touching on the forearm, or a pat on their chest as you laugh at their jokes)you'll have a better chance at nailing a good-looking/natured dude. Be careful not to pour it on too thick. You don't want to come off as a slut, or else you're back to the loser pool as your only option.
Author Isolde Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Depending on the social setting, yes. If you are in a sexually driven environment (basically anywhere where there is drinking involved), you cannot come off as shy. If you do, you will still attract men, but you'll attract the jerkiest of them. On the other hand, if you come of as flirtatious (maybe some light touching on the forearm, or a pat on their chest as you laugh at their jokes)you'll have a better chance at nailing a good-looking/natured dude. Be careful not to pour it on too thick. You don't want to come off as a slut, or else you're back to the loser pool as your only option. Yes, you're exactly right. If I don't flirt, I attract tools; if I flirt too much, guys assume the wrong things.
ruggy Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Have you tried changing the way you act to gauge how the different responses are?
Author Isolde Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Have you tried changing the way you act to gauge how the different responses are? I mean, I don't want to meet new people under false pretences. It could be a fun little experiment in a more noncommittal setting, I guess. I already know that I get a positive reaction when I am flirty and outgoing, but that doesn't seem to prevent people from pegging me as this innocent type.
ruggy Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Just experiment. You do not know what you 'll pickup until you do. Go fishing.
Author Isolde Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Just experiment. You do not know what you 'll pickup until you do. Go fishing. Experiment how? I want ideas, and nothing too crazy or extreme please.
zenith Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I do look a bit younger than 22, but I could be wearing lots of makeup, sexy clothes and be drinking and I'd still give off the sweet/innocent vibe. I really think this is part of the reason why guys don't approach me or chat me up unless they're tipsy. What do you guys think? Is naivete, or the appearance of it, a turnoff or something that scares guys away? may be it's the opposite... I would definately want to talk to a sweet looking girl like you said above, your make-up could be scaring guys away
Author Isolde Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 may be it's the opposite... I would definately want to talk to a sweet looking girl like you said above, your make-up could be scaring guys away That's the thing, guys say that they like this type. I am confused.
zenith Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 That's the thing, guys say that they like this type. I am confused. are you sure, you're sweet/innocent type? has someone else told you that, or do you think you are one?
Author Isolde Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 are you sure, you're sweet/innocent type? has someone else told you that, or do you think you are one? As I said, I definitely have a devilish streak in me, but I'm definitely much more on the innocent side of the spectrum, not only because of how I typically act, but also because I AM pretty inexperienced. And as I said, people can sense that.
JohnnyBlaze Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 That's the thing, guys say that they like this type. I am confused. SOME guys do. Some guys like the good girl, some like the bad girl, some like the dumb bimbo, some like the nerd. The problem could be in conflicting signals (something I know all too well). [Prelude: I'm sure this will come across sounding worse than I want it to, but I don't mean it to.] It could be that the look you're going for says that you're a little more...um...'well traveled'. That could intimidate the guys who like the sweet, innocent type. On the other hand, the ones who approach you are expecting a girl who isn't sweet or innocent and it it somewhat of a system shock when they discover you are one. Unfortunately, I can't really give you any advice on how to overcome the roadblock. I'm still trying to figure out how to overcome it myself (very nice guy who happens to be a scary-looking biker). Like you, I'm comfy in my skin, but it does cause problems in some matters (like this one). Just saying that you're not alone in this. If or when I do figure out a solution, rest assured, I'll be more than happy to share it with you!
Trialbyfire Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Because I'm a petite female, I get underestimated a lot and sometimes, condescended to. If it's worth my while, I play into it, then sandbag the sucker!
kashmir Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Isolde, I've kind of wondered the same thing about myself. When you get to know me I'm a dork, a cool dork though. I'm creative and a bit eccentric. I'm always coming up with ideas and I never cease to be interesting. The thing is, I don't LOOK like that. I'm a big muscular guy - an athlete. I look like a jock, sorta, usually wearing something related to my sport and hanging around with my teammates who are loud and goofy with me (though like me, most of them are dorks too). I find when I'm out at a party and I attract a hot girl, she's quickly turned off when I start revealing some of my dorky-ness - speaking elaborately, being confident but NOT cocky, expressing my interests in certain academics and music. I've had this hunch for a while, so I once tested it out. I did my best to act like a looked at a party - loud, cocky, not very deep. I attracted more girls. I didn't keep the charade up, though. I feel like if I LOOKED more like I am, I might attract the girls who are into my personality. I feel like the girls who are attracted to my looks expect me to be loud, outgoing, and cocky when that's just not me.
Author Isolde Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Because I'm a petite female, I get underestimated a lot and sometimes, condescended to. If it's worth my while, I play into it, then sandbag the sucker! TBF, I'm petite too--barely 5'4" and very thin. JohnnyBlaze, I don't dress slutty, even when I'm going out and make an effort to be sexy/"mature" looking. I seriously doubt guys get the impression I am well travelled. One guy I briefly dated could tell after about two dates that I hadn't had a boyfriend before solely from how I acted around him. It would be hard to tell you if there is a disconnect between how I look and act, because I'm not a very objective judge of myself. All I can say is that I've dressed "slutty" when going out maybe once or twice in my life, and even then it would just be a dress that was tight in the right places. [Obviously, it attracted guys, but that's not really the issue here.] Kashmir--Exactly, I'm sort of caught in between two things too. If I play up my looks and try to act extremely flirty/outgoing, I can be the life of a party, but its very superficial, it's just getting guys' numbers and being ogled. If I play up my nerdy side, I just end up having a couple short conversations with shy guys that don't go anywhere. Either way, outside of a party setting where it's easy to manipulate my behavior I never get chatted up, regardless of how I present myself. I do wonder whether guys on the street assume that I am taken... perhaps at first glance, before they get to know me and see how innocent (gah!) I am, they may think so. This is frustrating--I hardly ever am in situations where I can meet any eligible guys as is, and I rarely meet guys that I consider my "type" more or less--on top of it it seems people have a lot of preconceptions about me. Theoretically, the right guys would be interested regardless, but they most likely wouldn't approach me either. I feel like I may have to approach the next guy I want to date. <--- me being nervous Why can't I meet someone that is some normal medium between playboy and nerdy, someone shy and cute but not completely socially awkward??
kashmir Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 outside of a party setting where it's easy to manipulate my behavior I never get chatted up, regardless of how I present myself. Let me ask you something - do you WANT to get chatted outside of a party setting? Because a lot of guys assume that the daytime public is off limits. They assume that women don't want to be bothered while they drink their coffee on their break or are reading a book. It certainly seems like a lot of them come off that way, with the attitude that they're too important/busy and already have enough attention from guys that they would be annoyed by a guy talking to them in public, even if he was attractive.
Author Isolde Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Yes, I do want to be chatted up during the day in places like cafes and bookstores and grocery stores. Obviously, I wouldn't be interested in many of the guys, but if even a few of them were people I was attracted to, it could be a great help to me, as I'm way too busy with grad school to invest a lot of time in socializing and extra activities right now.
zenith Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 this is very interesting! I usually approach girls that are more friendly/bubbly looking.. but I guess even ice queens want to be approached every now and then?
Author Isolde Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 this is very interesting! I usually approach girls that are more friendly/bubbly looking.. but I guess even ice queens want to be approached every now and then? My avatar might be an ice queen, but I'm not--just shy.
Jaytb Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Why can't I meet someone that is some normal medium between playboy and nerdy, someone shy and cute but not completely socially awkward?? I don't know why you can't meet someone like that. Maybe you have to assume that someone like that doesn't exist. Or maybe not in your age range (more older guys might be like that?). Or maybe in your location, there aren't a lot of people like that. I don't know. I assume the the shy ones are your "type". So I assume they're too shy to ask you out. So you'll probably have to ask them out or show a lot of interest at least. I feel like I may have to approach the next guy I want to date. <--- me being nervousWell it can't hurt to try. As they say, stand up to your fears.
You'reasian Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Hey, I'll practice chatting you up at the bookstore! just teasing, Isolde. I understand where you are coming from. I'm sort of in between alot of things in terms of personality, interests, style, education and physical features and that just mind bangs some people when it all comes together, so people have trouble feeling me out. I don't try to act one way or another - I basically gauge the atmosphere & situation, go on gut instincts and have fun I know that sounds vague but that's the most common truth about me being in the moment. This also throws people for a loop because I am definitely into more serious type of relationships even though I give off fun, flirty signals. Go with your gut, listen to your heart and be yourself. And if you want to approach the next guy that you are interested in, just think about how you want to get his attention and let your heart do the talking.
Author Isolde Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Hey, I'll practice chatting you up at the bookstore! just teasing, Isolde. I understand where you are coming from. I'm sort of in between alot of things in terms of personality, interests, style, education and physical features and that just mind bangs some people when it all comes together, so people have trouble feeling me out. I don't try to act one way or another - I basically gauge the atmosphere & situation, go on gut instincts and have fun I know that sounds vague but that's the most common truth about me being in the moment. This also throws people for a loop because I am definitely into more serious type of relationships even though I give off fun, flirty signals. Go with your gut, listen to your heart and be yourself. And if you want to approach the next guy that you are interested in, just think about how you want to get his attention and let your heart do the talking. So what kind of books do you like? *awkward pause* I really agree with what you said about "in between a lot of things." I'm not a sorority girl type in looks, but I'm not a quiet bookish type either. I'm offbeat, but not hipster or alternative. I'm old fashioned in some ways, but not all. I'm generally quite sunny but I have a dark rebellious melancholy streak. I'm best at the humanities and writing and arts, but mathy stuff can intrigue me too, like what I'm doing for grad school. I'm career oriented one moment and happily cooking and cleaning my apartment the next. So yeah, I'm pretty hard to peg.
You'reasian Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 So what kind of books do you like? *awkward pause* . Open books but honestly my favorite book....is your life story. Shall we begin a new chapter over a cup of coffee? My treat.....*grins* I really agree with what you said about "in between a lot of things." I'm not a sorority girl type in looks, but I'm not a quiet bookish type either. I'm offbeat, but not hipster or alternative. I'm old fashioned in some ways, but not all. I'm generally quite sunny but I have a dark rebellious melancholy streak. I'm best at the humanities and writing and arts, but mathy stuff can intrigue me too, like what I'm doing for grad school. I'm career oriented one moment and happily cooking and cleaning my apartment the next. So yeah, I'm pretty hard to peg. "mathy stuff"... Me: Can I take your derivative? Cause I wanna lay tangent 2 YOUR curves! Isolde: I would, but seeing the time function we're observing in is not "continuous" perhaps we could integrate over another function ? Me: Sure, but it'll require chemistry - boiling of pastas, combustion of proteins and mixing of liquids. Isolde: ok, but I'm not quite ready for physics.
Author Isolde Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 Open books but honestly my favorite book....is your life story. Shall we begin a new chapter over a cup of coffee? My treat.....*grins* "mathy stuff"... Me: Can I take your derivative? Cause I wanna lay tangent 2 YOUR curves! Isolde: I would, but seeing the time function we're observing in is not "continuous" perhaps we could integrate over another function ? Me: Sure, but it'll require chemistry - boiling of pastas, combustion of proteins and mixing of liquids. Isolde: ok, but I'm not quite ready for physics. Very, very nice. I'm envisioning you actually saying this with serious intent--that makes it even more priceless. I don't know, I'm giving up on the idea of dating anyone in the near future. I'm picky, so it's just going to take me longer to find someone I like.
fral945 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I find people tend to stereotype me based upon the side of me they know at first. They seem to get more confused as they get to know me better. I tend to have a variety of hobbies, interests, and views on things that to some people must appear contradictory. I'm a little white collar and a little blue collar, a little meathead and a little musician, etc. So sometimes I am understandably hard to pigeonhole. Yes, I do want to be chatted up during the day in places like cafes and bookstores and grocery stores. Obviously, I wouldn't be interested in many of the guys, but if even a few of them were people I was attracted to, it could be a great help to me, as I'm way too busy with grad school to invest a lot of time in socializing and extra activities right now. I say if you see a guy that perks your interest in public, come up with a witty remark or comment. You don't have to be direct, you can just make an offhanded remark when you are standing nearby him. It might be about something he is buying or looking at. No matter how dumb it sounds to you, most guys will run with and it and chat you up if they are interested. If not, no big deal. I've had women do that to me. Usually if they are attractive I'll talk to them. If not I just keep my response short and sweet.
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