ThumbingMyWay Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 My lifetime was split in two. Life as I knew was changed forever. It was like part one of my life ended and part 2 started. March 1, 2005, 6:30 AM my wife confessed to me that she was having an affair. This of course was dday 2. Dday 1 was a sham of a lie in July of 2004....took 8 more months till the truth came out. So vivid it seems like yesterday. I can remember....she had this frown on her face that was wincing to cry and she "nodded" her head to confirm her yes to my question. She didnt look me in the eye...she was too ashamed. I remember my heart just sank....I had instant rot gut, I couldn't believe it....dam...I think back and I cant believe I didnt freak out more. We are doing fine now..things are good, not OHH SUPER GREAT AWESOME.....but its good and alot better than pre/post affair life. For what ever reason, I still think about it at least once a day. I wish it would all go away, but its been this long, I dont think it ever will. The pain of the betrayal is gone....I do have some bouts with anger sometimes....maybe resentment still....but its few and far between and I usualy handle it internally. I still have never ran into the OM yet. I did talk to him on the phone once...well I talked, he just listened. And I think I made my point because we have never heard anything of him since. Still wonder what I will do when I see him.... Anyway...I havenet been around alot....wait, i still lurk, I just dont post alot. But I wanted to do something for me and I figured maybe it could help any BS's out there that are looking for hope. I felt the need to re- read my posts start to finish at least the ones about the affair. I dont know why, maybe I am just looking for way to finally get it all out of my head. And I figured if it can help another BS, then great. My story isnt all happy, we had some tuff times, but it isnt all sad either. We are still together and things are good. But I had some tuff times during these 4 years. We had some bumps...in fact we had a bump last spring I think. I dunno....just tyring to live, laugh and love my wife and my life now so i am about to re-read everything I posted start to finish. maybe it will help me....maybe it will help other BS's who are all new to this. I have been there...we made it through....if I can help you in anyway, I will try my best. 1
Athena Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Hi Thumbing, I remember some of your posts back then.... glad to hear you are in a better place now. I couldn't help but wonder if you are about to re-read all your old posts to Remind yourself -- not to forget... When you forget, that's sometimes when CS decides its time, or its safe again, to start another affair... sigh... Sometimes I re-read my journal from those years, to Remember Not to Let My Guard Down.
Trimmer Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 My lifetime was split in two. Life as I knew was changed forever. It was like part one of my life ended and part 2 started. March 1, 2005, 6:30 AM my wife confessed to me that she was having an affair. Wow. March 1, 2005. It was a Tuesday. My life split forever in two at 9:30 PM. That evening you and I were probably both staggering under our new loads at the very same time. I won't threadjack, except to say although my situation ended differently, in the sense that our marriage is now over, it is similar in that we - as a family - are still doing fine. We have established a good relationship as parents, the kids are well supported with consistency and love from both sides and not made to choose loyalties. I have moved on and am feeling healthy and happy, and I have established a new life that I own, and I am excited about. I can't wait to see how it turns out. So to echo your point - there is indeed, "life after..."; clear air, sunlight, and lighter loads, even when the outcome isn't what you wanted at the time. All my best wishes for your next 4, and the 4 after that......
65tr6 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 The pain of the betrayal is gone....I do have some bouts with anger sometimes....maybe resentment still....but its few and far between and I usualy handle it internally. . thanks for sharing. Are you saying i have 3.5 more years to go to loose the pain of betrayal ? lol. Really, it is such an inspiration reading success stories like this. I have read some of your threads. Would love to hear from folks like you. Please continue posting.
Owl Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Nice to hear from you again, Thumb! It's been a while. I'm also 'fine' after four years plus down the road. Mine turned out a little differently yet... My marriage is doing very well...I'd call it outstanding most of the time. In my case, the 'joint parenting' isn't an issue, as my kids are all young adults now (all in their early 20s). On answering the question about how long it takes the pain to go away...well, I think that's dependent on a lot of factors. Successfully recovering your marriage, and making the changes needed to make it a great marriage for both parties helps towards that goal a lot. If your fWS "gets it" and shows deep and honest remorse and regret, that's a huge step in the right direction. Personal growth and recovery can be a huge factor as well. There isn't a magical time when it all gets better. The pain slowly fades, the obsession with dwelling on it seeps away, and eventually you realize you're not hurting as much as you did before. Then when you start changing your focus onto how good things can be or are now...the pain fades out even further when you're not thinkiing about it. But...2-5 years does seem to be about typical for many, both based off what I've 'seen' here and other forums as well as what I've read documented many places.
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 I have established a new life that I own, and I am excited about. I can't wait to see how it turns out. that has got to be one of the best benefits to all of this. WE OWN our lives again. Albiet, you are divorced and I am still married. But the fact is, we hit our lowest lows and through hard work and conviction we got ourselves back. I know I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. I had no choice but to transform, i couldnt live the way I was. I mean, I am the one who has to live wiht me on the inside and the inside was in a dark place the first couple years after dday. It sucked...big time. But now, I have control, I speak up, I am ME. And I like it and so does my wife. qudos to you trimmer....
soserious1 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 You're a better person than I am then. I couldn't stay in a marriage remembering each and every day that I'd been betrayed. The thought of my ex using his hands to touch me,his lips to kiss me..the same hands and lips he used on random women from craig's list? God, I can't think of anything that would sicken me more.
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 thanks for sharing. Are you saying i have 3.5 more years to go to loose the pain of betrayal ? lol. Really, it is such an inspiration reading success stories like this. I have read some of your threads. Would love to hear from folks like you. Please continue posting. you know they say.....hell is what you make it. But so is life. Life is what YOU make it. YOU are responsible for YOU. No one else. Once you get that mind set, you can transform to the person you always wanted to be. CONVICTION and FAITH helped me get here. And what a great place it is. As for time....brother, that depends on YOU. Yes, it has been 4 years and I still think about it. As a male, I dont see how we cant think about it. I mean the very core of my male physci was beat down to a pulp. The woman I loved so dearly, for over half my life, betrayed me. She choose to be with another man. THAT ***IN HURTS. But over time, I choose to gain strenght from this and I stuck to it and I came out better. Not great, not bad, but better than before. I wish I could tell you it will all go away....but it doesnt, at least it hasnt for me anyway. Its a small part of me still. ANd maybe it should be. Maybe we need to keep this little nugget tucked away in our "box of fear" to remind us NO ONE WILL EVER break me like that again.
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 If your fWS "gets it" and shows deep and honest remorse and regret, that's a huge step in the right direction. I can honestly say, my wife gets it. Big time now. I would also say, she is more greatful and more happy with the outcome. What I mean is, I feel she is MORE thankfull I stayed and we made it work. I am thankfull too, dont get me wrong. I just mean that I being the BS and her the WS and her NOT losing everything due to her behavior, she is more thankfull that it worked out. Does that make sense?
NoIDidn't Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I wish I could tell you it will all go away....but it doesnt, at least it hasnt for me anyway. Its a small part of me still. ANd maybe it should be. Maybe we need to keep this little nugget tucked away in our "box of fear" to remind us NO ONE WILL EVER break me like that again. I don't call it a box of fear, but it is certainly "something" there to remind me that not only did I make it through what felt unbearable at the time. But I also came through a much stronger person. Thanks for this Thumbing. Peaceful journey, friend.
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 You're a better person than I am then. I couldn't stay in a marriage remembering each and every day that I'd been betrayed. The thought of my ex using his hands to touch me,his lips to kiss me..the same hands and lips he used on random women from craig's list? God, I can't think of anything that would sicken me more. I am no better than the next guy. I just had the ability to forgive and move forward. Its not easy to do. Either you can or you cant. There is no middle ground. Unfortunately, you felt you couldnt. And believe me, I wonder if things were different. What if my wife had multiple sexual affairs wiht several random men??? I dont know what I would have done. Maybe I would have choosen divorce then, I cant really say. All I know is, given all the facts of her single EA/PA, I had it in me to forgive and recover.
Athena Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Maybe we need to keep this little nugget tucked away in our "box of fear" to remind us NO ONE WILL EVER break me like that again. Amen to this Thumbingmyway! Thats what I guess I mean when I say we need to remember not to forget. This time last year I found myself in that old familiar place of about to be thrown off the cliff into the pit of depression and hurt and pain with the latest affair D-day.... instead I purposefully chose to Not Be Broken Again.
seibert253 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Great to see you made it work. Don't know how I'd react if I was in your situation. God willing I'll never find out. Don't wish that pain on anyone.
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 .. instead I purposefully chose to Not Be Broken Again. LadyJane gave me that anology. She once said to me. "Whats my wife going to do?, hurt my feelings again?" I choose not to let that happen again. I am in control of how I feel. Yes she may piss me off or irratate me at times, but she nor any one else can ever hurt me in that way again. Meaning I wont ever let myself feel that pain again. If betrayel happens to me again, I know I wont let it hurt me like it did before. I am stronger now and know that IF it did, I aint lookin back and feeling that ****t ever again.
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