Long Time Ago affair

January 29, 2009

her appeal of laying with another man while pregnant - good question. I guess I'll never know....

I'll have to chalk it up to a character flaw that she did not control at the time. Terrible choices on her part.

I'm now wishing I hadn't posted here. All of the conspiracy theories about "I know she had sex with him" really have been more hurtful than helpful. I thought I had gotten to a point where I could move forward with counseling and focus on the future and how we make our marriage better.

I still do, but if you are a poster on this board, why not try helpful comments as opposed to imposing a harsh, probably not very helpful opinion - most of you just want to jump right to the worst possible conclusion - multiple partners, orgies, she's lying, etc. If you don't have something helpful to post in a nice kind way, why try to rub salt into someone's wound when they are obviously enduring a painful situation? This will be my last post - for those with helpful comments I appreciate them.

We're trying to help you, unless you know everything about what she did in that hotel room the doubt whcih is laying in your sub-conscious mind right now, the doubt which is triggering your anger with us, that doubt will devour you buddy, it's like a cancer, it just eats you up inside. We're trying to keep you from going postal or ramming your car into a bridge embutment one day.

Take it easy...she doesn't want to hurt you...she's trying to ease her conscience, if it wasn't sex, of one form or another, trust me dude, one it wouldn't bother her so much and two, you'd never ever know about it, at least not after fourteen years.

Fourteen years later, she banged him, that's why she's fessing up and she probably banged him more than once. I haven't back tracked to read Dexter's input, but he's got a nose for this stuff and my money says he believes the two of them got it on several times.

January 29, 2009

<<What I will never understand is the appeal of laying in bed with a pregnant woman - maybe he was thinking that if the conferences continue after she has the baby I'll be able to do more.>>

Your way off base, oh, so you know I'm not some punk giving you advice, we're the same age, she banged him for the thrill, and he banged her for the thrill.

What greater rush is there than to score with a woman who is married and with child? I know that would feed my ego, not to mention, women who are pregnant are a little extra juicy, it's kinky stuff, tour the free-adult xxx porn out here on the internet, everybody has got a fetish, it's not that difficult to wrap your mind around it.

Get the POLYGRAPH!!! NOW!!!

January 29, 2009

Okay, I wasn't going to say this, but since a lot of posters are saying their stuff, here goes:

My gut instinct was that your wife chose NOW to tell you about the old affair from 15 years ago, because she has new guilty feelings.... so she needs to open the door to let out some of the guilt, by admitting the minimal amount about the old affair which you have recently pressed her about.

My feeling is that she has just wrapped up an affair NOW with some OM and is feeling guilty about it, but cannot admit it, and when you pushed her about that old kiss at the convention (since your radar has picked up recent strange behavior from her), she finally confessed to that affair....

And btw, I highly doubt she would have stopped at a kiss on a hotel bed when she had allowed him to get that far... do you know that having an affair is not an impulsive whoops-I-slipped-up action but a Highly Thought out and Planned action! She knew about how far she wanted to go all those months in between the convention... she fantasized about being with him, and that's why she had him on the bed with her.

I doubt she would have admitted the old affair to you NOW unless there was a plausible reason for doing so, like -- she's just walked away from another man recently and can ease her guilty conscience by admitting to a long ago affair...

Call it a conspiracy theory, but you really are green behind the ears when it comes to how much cheaters plot and plan, and how deceptive they really are. You think, just because YOU are honest, that they are too? No, not at all.

How come she didn't come clean soon after the affair? Why on earth would she not have come clean, say, when she became a Christian ten years ago? Those timelines would have made more sense than her coming clean now, supposedly for no reason at all..... doesn't that make you wonder?!

January 29, 2009

I am devastated. All of you were right. I convinced her to do the polygraph. I have a friend with the police station here and he set it up. I just got back. It was worse than even I imagined.

You were all right - she did it multiple times with him including hanging off the balcony railing upside down. But it gets worse. Evidently she has been banging Elvis every other weekend since 1996. This was evidently the real secret she was withholding from me and fessed up to the other incident to relieve some of her guilt. It really hurts. But at least we all now know for sure that Elvis is alive. I've contacted my attorney and plan to sue him. By this time next year I'll be kicking back at Graceland with a new wife.

Thanks to everyone for the advice. While the information gained was painful, looks like I'm going to be enriched greatly over the long-term.

You folks are really pathetic.

January 29, 2009

LOL okay your sense of humor is apparently intact, despite being a freshly wounded BS...

Come on.... she clearly has the capability of lying to you (for 15 years she lied to you), why on earth would she not be capable of lying a little bit more.

I don't know who would even take their spouse to a polygraph test (my H certainly would never agree to that!) but keep your eyes and ears open and don't take it for granted that she is as innocent or honest as you used to believe she was two weeks ago.

January 29, 2009

Your the one who is pathetic, your ignorant and one day you will come back and apologize. While your gone, get the polygraph, otherwise, your going implode or explode. It's up to you "scarred".

January 29, 2009

BTW Scarred, one time my husband lied to me for over six months even after I had circumstantial evidence of his lying (and as I had suspected, cheating)... over and over again he professed his innocence until I began to wonder whether I was imagining stuff... well what do you know? I took him back after six months of keeping away from him, only to have him 'come clean' two months later, once he was certain he had me back... sigh.... you have to live these experiences to believe they are possible.

How can people with real life experiences worse than what they are advising you had possibly really taken place with your wife, be pathetic?

Sigh.

I hope she behaved herself after she got away with her first affair... I mean, how would you even know if she was being honest or not, since you even admit that you are slower than the average person to pick up on her hints... just saying, it's possible that you are looking at the tip of the iceberg where you W is concerned... I hope not for your sake, but nothing is impossible.

January 29, 2009

I am devastated. All of you were right. I convinced her to do the polygraph. I have a friend with the police station here and he set it up. I just got back. It was worse than even I imagined.

You were all right - she did it multiple times with him including hanging off the balcony railing upside down. But it gets worse. Evidently she has been banging Elvis every other weekend since 1996. This was evidently the real secret she was withholding from me and fessed up to the other incident to relieve some of her guilt. It really hurts. But at least we all now know for sure that Elvis is alive. I've contacted my attorney and plan to sue him. By this time next year I'll be kicking back at Graceland with a new wife.

Thanks to everyone for the advice. While the information gained was painful, looks like I'm going to be enriched greatly over the long-term.

You folks are really pathetic.

Scarred, PLEASE reread this post, write it down, heck, have it tatoo'd to your forehead... There have been some pretty ridiculous posts to you and I am embarrassed to be here sometimes, and have NEVER seen such BS... Anyway, reread this post, love it, live it. Believe in your wife and your gut.. They are BOTH right for YOU. God Bless..

Look at it this way - had he found out about this then, what more could you ask of a repenetent WS than 15 years of love, faithfulness and devotion. She's done that and he should put this behind him (as hard as that is) and focus on being happily married for another 15 years...

Mr. Lucky

My vote for POY (Post of the year...)

Mr. Stampy

January 29, 2009

<<Look at it this way - had he found out about this then, what more could you ask of a repenetent WS than 15 years of love, faithfulness and devotion. She's done that and he should put this behind him (as hard as that is) and focus on being happily married for another 15 years...>>

I we know this is the case because...?

Stumpy said so?

A guy who lived a lie for how long???

Is now telling the kind of guy, whose wife HE would be boinking on the side to turn a blind eye and believe the BIG lie!?!?!?

I'm pathetic alright, which makes those who want to believe a woman who could and did bury a secret from her husband for fourteen years a what???

Athena, he won't wake up because he can't wake up...denial, it's his comfort zone..no wonder his wife went elsewhere...the lights are on but nobody is home...

Come back when you have the polygraph results, then we can talk honestly about your wife.

January 29, 2009

Believe in your wife and your gut.. They are BOTH right for YOU.

Again, maybe I'm naive about the no sex part (and believe me I doubt myself all the time)

Stampdaddy, yes, perhaps his W has been totally honest (though why now I cannot understand)... but, where did you get that Scarred's gut instinct is that his wife is being honest about the no sex part?

January 29, 2009

I am 45, my wife is 44. No, I'm not seriously thinking about leaving her. Too much good marriage since then. My wife was about 30 when this all happened.

Yes, she acknowledges she "cheated" several times knowing full well what she had done. I have to decide whether the magnitude and number of times are going to outway the 2 years before and 14 years after of good marriage. I'm deeply hurt by the betrayal so while I say I want to stay with my wife and expect to do so, is anyone ever sure what will ultimately happen? I read another thread on here where the guy's wife had an affair 10 years prior but he could never let it go so he's now going to divorce her....

Time will tell.

Im sure I'll get trashed for saying this, but honestly, if she IS telling the truth, you would honestly divorce her for one mistake? She made out with the guy two or three times. You said it didnt even escalate to petting or even remotely close to sex. Just kissing.

While this is a betrayal and is hurtful to think she would be kissed by another man while pregnant with your child, or even thought about sleeping with him....she didnt, right? She stopped herself. She is obviously religious and stuff, but she's a human being. She was afraid to tell you because she was afraid to lose you. It's not like she was sneaking off with this dude time and time again for years f**king him every which way.

I would think that three instances of kissing someone, even if she did it while pregnant, is not cause for divorce and forgetting about the 14 years of marriage that you seem to say have all been wonderful.

if it bothers you, which its ok to bother you, because its normal to be upset by finding out your spouse has had a secret from you, then go to counseling with her, but if you people are such christians, i would imagine that learning to forigve is important, no?

If she had SLEPT with this man while pregnant I would say it is much, much worse. But she was probably very hormonal, and pregnant women are very beautiful. I know plenty of men who think a pregnant woman is a very attractive sight. So if you are obsessing over why she would kiss someone else while pregnant, or why HE would kiss HER while she was pregnant....it's not that complicated. They were attracted to each other. The thought of kissing someone new was probably exciting. I think they both did the right thing by stopping before it got further than kissing.

You need to ignore everyone here telling you that she for sure had sex with this guy. They don't know you, or her, and they most certainly were not in that room with your wife and this man 15 years ago. If you choose to believe her that she did not do more than kiss him, then it is no one's place to rant and rave about how you should put more doubts and depression in your head for no effing reason. You obviously love her and have otherwise had a good life with her.

If you really want to stay with her and love her, stop imagining her kissing another man, stop listening to people on here tell you that she's lying, get some counseling if you feel that will help you to trust again, and get on with your life. People are human, and many others have done far worse than she did. I suspect there are thousands of married people out there that have kissed someone once or twice they were not married to, regretted it, and never did anything like that or close to it ever again. That doesnt constitute a grounds for divorce in my opinion.

This is between you and your wife. 15 years of marriage, two kids, and an otherwise good life should be thrown away because she kissed someone 14 years ago on three occasions? Seems silly to me. But that's just me, I guess. I thought love was about forgiving people and giving them another chance. Throwing away your life because she kissed someone else over a decade ago, even if she was pregnant when she did it, while not an ideal or proper or good idea for her to do, is not worth ruining your life over it now. Like I said, if she had had sex with this man that might be alot harder to get through, but you seem like you have chosen to believe her that it did not go further than a kiss, so that is YOUR decision to choose to believe her, so stop listening to people that "know" she had sex. They dont KNOW a bloody thing. Only your wife and this man KNOW, and you've chosen to believ her, and that's that.

Honestly, I don't understand why people are so driven to encourage people to ruin their lives and get divorces when they don't even know them. They way some people are posting her, you'd think the woman was 7 months pregnant and having sex with this man the whole time. She KISSED him. She STOPPED it before it went further. She is SORRY. She is YOUR wife, and this is YOUR life. You've had no other reason to believe there have been further indiscretions, and ultimately, it is up to you to believe her and move on with your lives. Good luck....

January 29, 2009

Your the one who is pathetic, your ignorant and one day you will come back and apologize. While your gone, get the polygraph, otherwise, your going implode or explode. It's up to you "scarred".

Polygraphs are highly inaccurate. Stop watching so many daytime talkshows. Polygraphs are only useful on the Maury show to get guests riled up.

hell, they aren't even admissible as evidence in court, that's how unreliable they are in and of themselves. They aren't magical machines that read someone's brainwaves and can tell when it's a lie. All they do is try to look at changes in physiological responses that people have to different questions. OOPs, I used a big word there....sorry, that's probably confused some people. I'll try again : Polygraph no good. Polygraph not work well. Polygraph no very useful.

better?

The people that post on this board are embarrassing sometimes. You people need to think, and in some occasions do some research, before you spout off ridiculous, stupid advice that could ruin someone's life. Disgusting. All he wanted to know was why someone would make out with a pregnant woman , because it is normal to view a pregnant woman as a sacred thing. he didn't ask anyone's opinion on how his wife is a lying b*tch. He obviously just has a bad image in his head of her kissing some guy and wants some support on how to get that image out of his mind because it's bothersome. That's all. End of story.

January 29, 2009

KismetGirl,

Polygraph tests are 92.5% accurate. It is a scientific fact.

But don't get me wrong I am not saying that "scarred" should try to make his wife take one. I am just saying that you are wrong saying that polygraph tests are highly inaccurate. It is simply not true.

January 29, 2009

KismetGirl,

Polygraph tests are 92.5% accurate. It is a scientific fact.

But don't get me wrong I am not saying that "scarred" should try to make his wife take one. I am just saying that you are wrong saying that polygraph tests are highly inaccurate. It is simply not true.

New computers nowadays are more accurate than old ones, but they can still be as inaccurate as only being 87.5% accurate. I'd say almost 13% error depending on the machine you use is not something I'd base as the single element to determine the future of anything important, including my marriage. Maybe in conjunction with other evidence, but not on its own.

Also, it depends on how you ask the questions, and how people interpret the question. If you ask someone if they had sex with someone, and let's say they almost did, but they didn't, but they physically become nervous the same way, the test could be read completely wrong. It's not a very fair test, which is why it is generally not admissible as evidence in court by itself. If it was that wonderful, they'd just give it to all people arrested for crimes and simply ask them if they did it or not, and we wouldn't need trials or other evidence, now would we.

Sorry, it's really not very reliable by itself. It relies too much on human response, which is often difficult to read. Even for a computer. I wouldn't base an important decision on it alone.

January 29, 2009

I am retired from a brief career in law-enforcement which ended with four gunshot wounds and a second commendation for valor in the line of duty. I now work in private security as both an investigator and personal protection officer. I know firsthand that twenty percent of the population are lying degenerate sc*mbags and I have seen many mealy-mouthed lying cheating spouses exposed by the examination results of a lie-detector. The only people who can pass them are the ones who know the machines one and only weakness, which is if the person being examined is honest and truthful or is a person who isn't afraid of the consequences of being exposed by the test (i.e. a sociopath). I was always a Twilight Zone fan, never liked Trek or bolonga for that matter. I'm a PB&J kinda guy.

January 29, 2009

The test, when administered, will pose only questions which can be answered in yes or no fashion. Those non-direct responses your referencing are not accepted or evaluated. Their seen as non-responsive and an attempt to undermine the integrity of the examination. Where do you get this bunk???

Someone has been watching too much TV. Law & Order ain't real.

January 29, 2009

He'd make-out with her if it was his baby.

Scarred, follow the advice of these narcissitic enablers if that's what makes you feel better. Again, polygraphs work on people who are scared of the consequences of being caught in their web of lies.

January 29, 2009

a polygraph?????

LOL!!!! seriously....if you are even considering that, then you might as well divorce her.

Scarred, c'mon...some of these people here want to punish your wife--humiliate her, want her to beg for mercy, want to see her broken up and crawling, begging for your forgiveness---this is an extension of their own misery-a projection of the things they would have wanted to do to their own cheating spouses-maybe they did, or maybe they did not have the courage to do it but....is that what you want? Do you want her to resent you? Nobody who has an ounce of self-worth wants to be demeaned and debased like that....you either forgive her and you work on letting go of the past.or just divorce her...why waste each other's time? otherwise, you have to make concessions and forged a new agreement on what your marriage would/should entail.

January 29, 2009

I did criminal defense for a long time. Despite their inadmissibility, the consensus among scientists and law enforcemnt is that they are very reliable.

Reagrdless, Scarred just do what you feel is right for you. It's your life and you have to go with your own instincts. The tolerance for infidelity runs along a broad continuum. It bothers some folks way more than others.

January 29, 2009

I am devastated. All of you were right. I convinced her to do the polygraph. I have a friend with the police station here and he set it up. I just got back. It was worse than even I imagined.

You were all right - she did it multiple times with him including hanging off the balcony railing upside down. But it gets worse. Evidently she has been banging Elvis every other weekend since 1996. This was evidently the real secret she was withholding from me and fessed up to the other incident to relieve some of her guilt. It really hurts. But at least we all now know for sure that Elvis is alive. I've contacted my attorney and plan to sue him. By this time next year I'll be kicking back at Graceland with a new wife.

Thanks to everyone for the advice. While the information gained was painful, looks like I'm going to be enriched greatly over the long-term.

You folks are really pathetic.

Maybe he will throw in a peanutbutternana sandwich as part of the settlement."Release the monkeys".

January 29, 2009

2sunny - thanks for your candid remarks. I hope you're wrong, although again, I'll likely never know for sure.

A lie detector test will put all doubts, bad or good ones, to rest forever.

But if you're right, why would she tell me anything at all. I had no other way of knowing other than if she told me.

It eases her guilt. It eases her guilt somewhat or substantially while still having you around if she tells you the fake more innocent version, such as we used protection every time, while the truth was only half of the time, or we were just kissing, while oral sex were preformed, etc.

January 29, 2009

Getting kissed by someone other than your SO is'nt a great idea, but it isn't divorce material either. I did it this new years and lived to tell the tale. Scarred, you will have doubts, (perfectly normal) mistrust(also perfectly normal) and pain. Let it out, vent to your wife, get counseling, repair your marriage. But never ever believe what she says just because she says it. Keep Your Eyes Open.

January 29, 2009

Thats certainly a tough thing to deal with. I found out recently that while we were split apart for about a month my girlfriend "hooked up" with another guy. That was over a year ago and I couldn't even ask her for more details. Every time I think about it I get angry and jealous and we weren't even together at the time!

But you have some real positives to an otherwise crappy situation:

-She was honest with you about it as evidenced by the other actor's collaborating story, even if it took some time to come out.

-It was a long time ago and nothing about your story sounds like it was one of many serial encounters.

-She did at some point realize she had to stop and did. Even though she broke some serious boundaries she did have the sense to stop before it stopped feeling good physically so while she was acting crazy she didn't COMPLETELY lose her damn mind!

You should seek counseling if you think it will help. I wouldn't advise against forgetting the whole thing, but try not to concentrate on mental images of the act itself, that will really eat at you.

Just one man's humble opinion...

p.s. I only had the interest (honesty!) to read the first page so if I missed something important...

January 29, 2009

It eases her guilt. It eases her guilt somewhat or substantially while still having you around if she tells you the fake more innocent version, such as we used protection every time, while the truth was only half of the time, or we were just kissing, while oral sex were preformed, etc.

You didn't even add any modifiers like it could just be to ease her guilt or maybe there was more to it than she admitted.

I think it's wrong to assume the worse as though it is fact

January 29, 2009

Folks - I came on one last time this morning just to say goodbye - and yes, this really will be my last time coming to this site.

For those of you who have been supportive, albeit encouraging me to be wise, thank you. I take your advice and insight to heart. It sounds like you've not let your past or present pains jade you.

For those that really always want to suggest the worst, I'm very sorry for the pain you've felt in the past which has crippled your ability to see hope, in any situation. I will honestly pray for you that someday you will be able to know a relationship with God that allows you to turn all your burdens over to him - and that in the meantime, he will be able to bring a a deeper level of peace to your troubled hearts and minds.

As for me, my relationship with my wife is going to be OK. If she is the worst of what some on this site have said, then she'll have to deal with her own conscience at some point and ultimately with the God to whom she professes her love. All I can do is make sure I'm the best husband that I can possibly be and hope the person on the receiving end - who also appears to want to be the best wife she can be and live our lives together until one of us perishes - will continue to do the same. I will obviously not be blind going forward - but I also have my own issues to work on so I think we'll keep each other accountable. We'll do that together and through joint counseling.

To all - I wish you the best and hope that the positive help from others on this board provides you the family of support we all desperately need and want in situations like these. God Bless!

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