Long Time Ago affair

[scarred]

Through my prodding of her over time, I found out last week from my wife that she had an affair a long time ago - 15 years ago and 2 years into our marriage. She traveled to conferences with her job and was on committees with an outgoing gentleman about her age. He made subtle advances and over time through five different conferences it escalated from a kiss on the cheek to laying on a bed making out reaching a point where they had to decide if they wanted to take it further as in petting and sex. They evidently both decided they had reached their boundaries - that they were in love with their respective spouses and did not go further. There was one additional conference where through conversation they affirmed that was the right decision.

 

While this happened 15 years ago, for me it is new. So I am hurt and want to understand how this could happen. She indicates it was pure and simple a case where she knew what she was doing was wrong but it was the "sinful" side of her wanting to feel that thrill. She never intended to have sex with the guy but the excitement in the "fantasy" world that being away in hotels can bring had a terrible hold on her. She didn't tell me earlier about this because she was afraid of losing me, although now she is very distraught about it and has tremendous fear I'm going to leave her.

 

What is most painful is that during 3 of the 5 conferences when this was occuring she was pregnant with our baby (I know its mine). The most egregious being when she was 7 months pregnant. She says she always loved me but made stupid, terrible choices. I just don't understand what could be going through a woman's mind that she couldn't snap out of when she is 7 months pregnant - ie if she loved me wouldn't the realization that there is a little baby in her womb make her snap out of it? In addition, what kind of man lies on a bed with a woman who is pregnant with her husband's baby and makes out with her - but was never really "in love" with her.

 

I'm not going to leave my wife because I love her, she is a totally different person now as evidenced by her faith and devotion for the past 14 years. However, this is the strangest situation I have ever been in and don't know how to process the feelings of betrayal - particularly given the pregnancy? Anyone out there have some helpful thoughts?

[Mr. Lucky]

You have a very personal decision to make. Are you going to judge your wife based on 17+ years together (I'm assuming she's been a good wife and partner) or on one flawed and wrong decision. While I wouldn't even begin to advise you in one direction or the other, it would seem that counseling (either MC or IC) would be the best environment in which one could move through this process.

 

Is it something you've considered?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Reggie]

This is not that uncommon. I think it may actually cause more confudion to a BS as you've got this egregious betrayal in the past , but now have 14 years of pretty decent behavior, as opposed to someone that is being actively abusive like most cheaters.

Maybe therapy for you to sort through this. it would confuse the heck out of me and cause me to question a lot about the last 14 years. I imagine there is a certain amount of resentment over both the betrayal and the length of the deception depriving you of the right of self informed self determination all these years.

[stampdaddy]

this a new one (to me at least). ALOT of questions pop into my head..

1) as evident in nearly all other posts, my question to you is this: How do you know she is being 100% honest with you regarding how far it went?

2) is it possible that this prego lovin' man thought the bun in the oven came from his mix

3) maybe he would blow farts on her belly and they would laugh and laugh and laugh.. (sorry, not funny)

 

anyway, I feel for you and dont know what advise I can really offer without knowing the answers to the above

[scarred]

Yes, we're going through counseling - and it is helpful to some extent. My wife has also been very willing to talk about it to the level of detail I've needed to know about.

 

I just can't seem to get the images of this guy with my 7 month pregnant wife on a bed making out - is there something about affairs which is so strong that even that situation doesn't "snap you out of it" - particularly when both are indicating they are still in love with their spouses and they ultimately decided to end it before it went "too far"? Quite frankly, lying with another man's pregnant wife is even harder to imagine than having a sexual affair. I just don't get it and it really is hard to deal with.

[2sure]

You say you found this out after 15 years of your prodding her. 15 YEARS of prodding.

 

If what she says is true, and it happened while she was 7 months pregnant - I can tell you that horomones during and just after pregnancy can make a sane person crazy and anyone not act like themselves.

 

If it isnt true, she may have decided, after 15 years of prodding, to just get it over with already and admit to what you wanted to hear, true or not.

 

I have to tell you. Right or wrong, if I was prodded for 15 years, I'd have left long ago.

[whichwayisup]

Is this other man still in the picture? Does he work with her or does she cross paths with him?

 

Sorry for your pain..Stick with counselling.

[stampdaddy]

I have to tell you. Right or wrong, if I was prodded for 15 years, I'd have left long ago.

 

I guess that depends on who was doing the "prodding" ;)

[JennaGennaro]

Some women feel very attractive when pregnant, others feel disgusting. If this guy was flattering to her, I can see how she might like the attention even if you were constantly telling her how sexy and beautiful she was.

 

Pregnancy hormones can play a major role in how a woman feels and thinks, but, this is not an excuse for your wife. She should have known better than to make out with a man that was not her husband while 7 months pregnant (or any time for that matter).

 

I do hope that you can get past this as you have shared a long history together and this seems to be the only issue. It is understandable for you to feel the way you do and to question everything leading up to today.

[2sunny]

my first question is - why now, after all these years - has she decided to share this information with you knowing full well how hurtful it would be for you?

 

if it was only shared to relieve herself of feeling guilty then i say - leave... she's just a selfish woman.

[scarred]

Stampdaddy - well can anyone ever be 100% certain of anything - ie no sex. Of course I'll never know for sure will I. Here is the rest of the story. After hearing my wife finally open up, I called the guy. She told me his name and I called him out of the blue. His website indicates he is a strong christian now so I told him as a christian man I thought he owed it to me to be completely honest with my questions. I asked him how far it escalated and he essentially told me the same story that my wife did - not the same but enough that her story seemed true. He told me when the first kiss on the cheek was (and I know the next time they saw each other she was already pregnant). He also told me it didn't escalate to sex just heavy kissing. Of course, I told him he was a total scumbag for doing what he did with my pregant wife.

 

The bottom line is I'll never know with 100% certainty. While my wife has a lot to lose, I think she feels badly enough about it that she wants to get everything off her chest - so I feel pretty comfortable she is telling me the truth at this point. But, again, I do not understand his actions unless he was simply out for a thrill from the mundaneness of his marriage and had established for himself certain boundaries.

[whichwayisup]

I hate to say this, but maybe you need to ask her if a paternity test is necessary. It'll hurt her for you to ask this, but her reaction might be telling.. Also, ask her if you need to get an STD test done as well (yes, I know this happened years ago, but if by chance they did any oral sex, STD's can still be transmitted that way, as well as kissing - Cold sores etc..) Again, sorry for bringing this up, but it is something you need to think about bringing up to her.

 

You must have known something was off for her to finally admit it. What led to this boiling point of her confessing? Were you close to finding out on your own and she decided to fess up?

 

Is this OM married now?

[scarred]

This is a reply to several of you. It wasn't 15 years of prodding. She had come home from the last conference where they ended it and told me part of the story - essentially to absolve herself of some guilt. What she told me then was only about the kiss on the cheek - not the subsequent escalation over time.

 

I only started prodding in the past few weeks - possibly because some comments she would make over time like she didn't deserve me, wasn't perfect, etc. didn't register with the person I know her to be now. So, for some reason recently I started to have doubts and began to probe a bit. When I did, she told me a bit more - and then the flood gates opened.

 

She is deeply remorseful, I love her intensely, and I do believe she is now telling me the truth. I think she has been afraid all these years that if the truth came out I would leave her. Since that time she has helped me raise our daughter and our autistic son (my son was the child in her womb at the time) and is a fantastic mom and wife. I can forgive mistakes of our youth although that doesn't make it less painful - particularly when it comes with a strange twist of the pregnancy.

[lkjh]

His actions were simple; he wanted some and didn't care about you. Why she did it I have no idea.

[whichwayisup]

Then definately continue with counselling. Right now you're understanding and still in shock, the anger hasn't hit you yet.

[scarred]

I'm certain a paternity test is not needed - my son looks just like me - if he didn't I might consider it.

 

Look, I'm not being blind or stupid here. I'm not really looking for people to shoot holes in my wife's story either - I truly believe she is telling me the truth. We spent practically 2 whole days where she told me pretty detailed information. Could she be lying - of course - I'll never know for sure - only God will know.

 

But, I'm really looking for someone who might have some insight on why two people would do this when the wife already is pregnant with her husband's baby.

[whichwayisup]

Did she tell you why she decided to get close to another man while 7 months pregnant? Noone here can answer that for you, only she can and the OM can.

 

If you love her and can work through this, that's great - She deserves a chance of making things better again and to regain your trust, faith in her..As long as she is willing to go the distance too.

[2sunny]

 

But, I'm really looking for someone who might have some insight on why two people would do this when the wife already is pregnant with her husband's baby.

 

uuuuuummmmm, maybe because then there was no risk of her getting pregnant by the OM at that time? that is what i would conclude about the timing - if i were her. "oh well, since i can't get pregnant - there is no risk - so i can do this with OM and have no consequences of ending up pregnant by the OM." she also wasn't banking on you EVER finding out. why is she telling now?

 

ps - i don't believe for a second that they didn't have sex. she just doesn't want to tell you the whole truth.

 

any time a spouse withholds information the way she has - it inevitably leads to more truths that come out over time. i think she hasn't yet given you the FULL TRUTH. given the same stories here time after time... she isn't telling you everything.

[scarred]

Thanks to everyone for your replies and support. I think we'll work through this. But I do need to clarify something. This started at the first conference with a kiss on the cheek and she told him it was inappropriate. At a subsequent conference he told her that her husband was a lucky guy and that planted the seed that he was interested. She got pregnant (by me) before this second conference. Then at the third conference where they were working on a committee together to come talk to her about the next day's presentation - she said he could come over to her room - big mistake. As he left, she said they kissed. At the fourth conference, the stage is now set and they again meet in her room to discuss committee work and they kiss some more, although while intermixing discussion about the project. Fast forward to conference #4 and she is 7 months pregnant (all of these conferences happen about 2 - 3 months apart) and again he is in her room to discuss committee work. She is tired from being on her feet all day while pregnant - lies down on the bed - he lies down beside her and of course that leads to more kissing. Finally, 3 months later after having the baby, they are again at a conference. Some drinking now (because she is no longer pregnant) and he ends up in her room. Kisssing gets a bit more passionate this time and they have to decide whether to take it farther - she says no, and he says no and thats it. No heavy petting, no sex - because they have set boundaries. They agree this has been wrong - she is in love with me, he is in love with his wife (he is still married to her as well now 14 years later) and thats that.

 

Again, maybe I'm naive about the no sex part (and believe me I doubt myself all the time) but for some strange reason that part seems plausible knowing my wife. But the issue of why the pregnancy didn't snap them out of it boggles my mind.

[stampdaddy]

My friend, I am sorry if it sounded like I was trying to shoot holes in your wifes story.. Just a question and mow that you have given the answer, I am confident that what she told you is the truth. NOW... what I am reading from your posts is an intense anger towards this other man. You called him a Scumbag (good for you), but leave it at that. UNDERSTAND your anger, go punch a pillow, BUT get it out of you now.. And also understand this, it will then turn to your wife. Your anger will shift to her. Be prepared. Write down a little "emergency plan" WHEN it happend. Keep it in your pocket, and when it turns to her, unfold that piece of paper and remember: This too will pass and shift to another emotion.

There is not an answer now to why this man kissed a pregnant woman, your wife (although there are plenty of people here who will give you their best "conspiracy theories: **no offence**).

Yes, this other man hit on your pregnant wife, BUT it was YOUR PREGNANT WIFE who was doing the kissin' as well... Journal your feelings, let your wife have access to your journal and let "time" work its magic..

We are here for you, K?

[scarred]

Thanks Stampdaddy. I'm aware of all the conspiracy theories because I have thought about all of them. My wife is now a pretty strong christian so now that she knows I know, I really think she feels like I need to know the whole truth and she'll accept the consequences. I do think she wrestled with this over the years, particularly after she became a christian about 10 years ago, because of the hinting comments she would make to me that dumb me didn't pick up on. Why all of a sudden recently I did, I'll never know.

 

Maybe for some reason its better that I found out now because I've been able to see the intervening 14 years of great marriage and that dulls the outrage. I'm still upset, angry, depressed, sad, etc. about all of it. A little piece of our union will never be the same because what happened can never be taken back. But, I have to decide whether I can trust her going forward - I think I can; whether I'd be better with her in my life or not - I think her in my life has enriched me deeply; and whether ultimately I can let go of this and take this opportunity to make our marraige even better - I hope I can and I can look back 30 years from now and this was a blip on the radar.....

[2sunny]

i don't believe her story one bit.

 

you know why? because i have men and women tell me the REAL story all the time. they also tell me what they told the spouse. 99% of the time the spouse gets a VERY innocent version of what happened.

 

doesn't matter though - she KNOWS what the truth is and is unwilling to part with it.... just understand that there is NO WAY in hell you got the REAL version. just saying.

[whichwayisup]

Is this man OUT of her life though? Do they keep intouch through email or does she see him at work or at any conferences anymore? This is very important - He has to be OUT of her life completely..

[2sunny]

Is this man OUT of her life though? Do they keep intouch through email or does she see him at work or at any conferences anymore? This is very important - He has to be OUT of her life completely..

 

my bet is - they are still "friends" through work.... let's see.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm not going to leave my wife because I love her, she is a totally different person now as evidenced by her faith and devotion for the past 14 years. However, this is the strangest situation I have ever been in and don't know how to process the feelings of betrayal - particularly given the pregnancy? Anyone out there have some helpful thoughts?

 

You have just been handed 1 get laid free card. Don't wait too long to use it!