nala02 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Hi everyone, This is my first time posting on here and I'm hoping someone will be able to help. I met what I thought was the love of my life last November in Mexico while working. We kept in touch began to communicate soley as friends over email. He asked me to come visit him last April. I agreed. (He lives in Europe and I live in the States.) I had a great time and still it was just friends -- no sex, didn't stay at his place, but we did kiss. I left and we promised to keep in touch again. The months went on and we kept emailing and calling back and forth. He asked me to visit him again in August. Again, I agreed and this time I ended up staying with him. The relationship became much more serious and he asked me if we could be exclusive and do a long distance thing. I agreed knowing that soon he would be finished with his studies in Europe and we could have a real shot at being together. We started to make plans -- serious marriage plans -- everything moved so fast and I was just so head over heels for him. Then he came to visit me last month here in the States. This is the longest we have spent together -- we got into some arguments and I think I was pressuring him too hard on making a decision come May once his studies are finished. After the month he left and I didn't really hear from him in a week. I panicked and sent off an ultimatum email -- either tell me what you want or forget it. Bad move as he is stressing to finish his thesis and has to defend it in April. I didn't hear from him and finally called him. He basically ignored my calls and then finally I sent off another email to him saying that he should be an adult and talk to me. He wrote me back saying he did not want to be with me anymore. He then called and ended up having a breakdown on the phone over his thesis and all this pressure being put on him. He said I had to have everything my way. I realized I shouldn't have pressured him and sent off an email immediately after our conversation asking him to not throw this away and to try again. I promised there would be no pressure. He responded back right away saying that yes we could try again but he didn't know how or when. I'm not sure what my next move is now...I know that I was wrong in putting extreme pressure on the situation but I also think it was important for me to know if he was planning to come be with me after his thesis was done or if he was planning to go back to Mexico. Was I being unfair and what do I do now? I still love him immensely...
Geishawhelk Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 You have a choice: You can either send him an e-mail telling him that you will wait until he is ready, but you will get off his back, not contact him any more, and wait for him to decide when to contact you, but in the meantime, you're here for him - OR - You can say that much as you love him, and sorry as you are for pressuring him, you cannot put your life on hold simply because he wants you to hang around and wait for him to make a decision when he's good and ready - because - Get this. He may never be ready. Or it could take years. Now, if you want to put your life on hold for a maybe-possibly - you go right ahead. Me? I know what I'd do. I'd go out, get my hair done, buy some new clothes, fix my make up get a load of good girlfriends together and live my life, instead of pining away for an if-so but-so.... LDRs are all very well if there's an established concrete relationship in place already. You two guys really barely know each other well. And it looks like he don't do too well under pressure. So find a nice guy nearer to home - and start living.... Just my two cents.
Author nala02 Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 You're right -- I do have choices. This is just so new and fresh I'm having a hard time seeing past the here and now and looking forward to the future. I really thought he and I had something and I fell hard. I think that's why this is such an emotional issue for me. Normally I would be able to just let it go but for some reason this one is just harder than all the other break ups. It will just take time. No contact and living my life. It's exactly the advice I need. Thank you
ITSTIMETOMOVEON Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Hi Nana, Your relationship did mean something and validate that. You have every right to feel good with a man. No one can take that away from you. But don't wait for someone that doesn't know what he wants. Don't make that mistake. I'll be honest tell him that you deseve better S**T than this. You deserve a man that will take you seriously. Not this s**t of having to wait until he sorts this out. You want a man; you need to speak your mind. Waiting until a man just succumbs to you ain't ever gonna work. You just stand like a slug hoping things will work out, but don't. Your real relationship is with you, and if you want love, you got to act like it's yours, and no one is going to leave you, because you deserve better! 123FORWARD
Author nala02 Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 You're both right. This is just so hard. I want to email or even text him and it's taking every ounce of my being not to. I can't focus at work and when I least expect it, a pleasant memory of us pops into my head and I become even worse. I know that No Contact is the best thing for me right now but I just don't know how I can do it... I'm obsessively checking my emails and my cell phone. God I feel pathetic!
IcemanJB Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 You're not pathetic. Congratulations: you're human! I had a similar conversation with a friend of mine earlier this week. Somehow we got talking about my ex, and basically I told my friend "what the hell was I thinking dating her...she just has no idea what she wants" and she responded with: "you fell for her. she fell for you. there is nothing wrong with that, and you shouldn't be questioning why you did, or feel pathetic in the least bit" That one hit home to me. I've never thought about it like that. I hope this helps, and keep up the NC - that's how I am (mostly) healed! Don't wait around for this guy. I'm not waiting for my ex to figure her crap out, and I'm glad I made that decision 2.5 months ago.
Author nala02 Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 So he emailed me this afternoon. After the break up I sent out an email stating that he was right and this was the best thing for us and how we should have gotten the chance to know each other better. Now 2 days later he sends me an email saying that "Yes I might be right" and then just very light and fluffy non-relationship stuff. He ended it with "keep in touch" WTF? Weren't we talking about marriage 3 weeks ago and now it's "keep in touch" Thanks for the advice guys. This site is helping me so much I can't even explain it...
Author nala02 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 Having a very hard day today. Woke up crying because had dreams about him the whole night. Turned on the radio and the song he used to sing to me was playing, switched the station and there it was again. I'm sitting here typing this and crying wanting to break NC badly. I only wish he would be in touch with me again.... I wish I could go back in time to when things were the same... I want to call him so badly today. My birthday is on Sunday, part of me is holding out hope that he calls, the other part of me tells myself to know better.
Geishawhelk Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 nala, I know it's tough, but he seems to be taking this so lightly, that it could almost be said he's playing with your heart. Maybe not meaning to, but if this is his attitude, then how seriously could he be expected to deal with other stuff? he's a lightweight. He's so laid back, he's horizontal. While I realise your pain is going to fluctuate, I'm inclined to think you got away with this luckily.... Don't dwell on it. He was already absent, and not just by long-distance. I think he had one foot out of the door already. Don't keep in touch. At all. Let him see that this is over, and you're not going to roll over like some compliant puppy.... he may well realise the enormity of his actions (or inaction, more like!) too little, too late. Cut him off and let him see, he is on his own. Have a good birthday on sunday. The greatest gift you can give yourself is to retain your dignity and pride, and let those qualities help you find someone far more deserving. Hang in there. Good luck!!
Author nala02 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 Geisha, You're right. It does seem like he's playing with my heart and like he's not affected by this. I just don't understand any of it. When I left him at the airport he made me promise to come visit him in April. Then when he landed in Paris he texted me saying he missed me already. I just don't understand what could have happened in two weeks. Was it really my ultimatum email that did it in? All I know is that now I feel so confused. Yesterday I was fine but today, today has been so difficult. His family and friends are still in contact with me. I just want to email and see how he's doing but in my heart I know that it would not be the right thing and just make me feel worse. I keep hoping that he will email or even call...when does this stop?
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