Toodle Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Just a quick question in case anyone can offer some advice. I've been reading this forum since my breakup a couple of weeks ago and it's been really helpful in knowing how to proceed. Basically, my girlfriend decided to end things due to us going through a very rough patch due to external circumstances, but now I've had time to think about it, very probably also because I didn't show enough appreciation to her during certain stages of our 3 year relationship. My "excuse" (not really one I know, but extenuating anyway) was that during the times I didn;t display appreciation (periods of 4 and 6 months) my living circumstances were terrible and I become emotionally unavailable. This is something that is now fixed, but she obviously lost faith things would change. So my question is this: I'm doing the whole be cool, be fun, give her space etc. But since lack of appreciation was probably a big issue for her, how do I let her see this is something that was temporary, that I've processed the causes, that it wasn't personal even if she thought it was, and that things would be different? Since we're not in a relationship I obviously can't be buying her gifts I imagine, so is it as simple as thanking her if she does something for me (she moved out but only as far as down the road). Do I verbalise it if I see her? Since I'm here, another question - she said that by the end of our relationship she felt I would "look through her" sexually - this was due to again the above reasons, me becoming depressed and losing my libido. I don;t want her to write off any potential reconciliation due to her thinking I don;t fancy her, but don't feel I can just say "hey, I still fancy you btw!". Any advice? Thanks for anyone's help!
itsallmyfault Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 hey buddy, i dont know what to tell you, i'm sort of going through the same sort of thing... if you want to look through my thread you can see what i'm talking about. i dont know what to say, but i do know that two heads are better than one, so if i try anything that works, or get a good piece of advice, i'll let you know, and ask you for vice versa. good luck man, hang in there.
samspade Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 This is probably not exactly what you want to hear, exactly... First, I think it's great that you're improving and correcting the mistakes that led to the breakup on your part. Keep improving and apply those lessons to future endeavors. In the meantime, if you're maintaining contact with her, yes, act cool...but you should go NC and meet some new chicks and not focus on resuscitating a dead relationship. Then maybe, MAYBE she will come around and be interested in a second chance, by which point you probably won't be.
movingonandon Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 This is probably not exactly what you want to hear, exactly... First, I think it's great that you're improving and correcting the mistakes that led to the breakup on your part. Keep improving and apply those lessons to future endeavors. In the meantime, if you're maintaining contact with her, yes, act cool...but you should go NC and meet some new chicks and not focus on resuscitating a dead relationship. Then maybe, MAYBE she will come around and be interested in a second chance, by which point you probably won't be. I agree with this. The 1% chance of succesful reconsiliation does not seem to justify restarting communication. if you feel compelled, send her a letter apologising for everything, and then make it clear you don't want to ever hear from her again (and that you won't contact her) . But think about this: such an apology/appreciation is only about you, not her. She already ended the relationship, so apology or no, things have evened out. No matter how much you apologise, you can't take things back, so you will always have regrets. if so, why bother communicating with her? suck it up and move on... I went through this with my ex, and it achieved nothing but prolong the break up.
diskey23 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 i will say this... 1. i think her reasons for break up are completely bull ****. 2. i think youve handled this very well, dont contact her, but if she contacts you, stay cool (no feelings talk). 3. people get back together way more then 1%, ill promise you that. but on what grounds? meet other chicks for sure, keep her around, but make sure shes on the back of the list.
Author Toodle Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 hey buddy, i dont know what to tell you, i'm sort of going through the same sort of thing... if you want to look through my thread you can see what i'm talking about. i dont know what to say, but i do know that two heads are better than one, so if i try anything that works, or get a good piece of advice, i'll let you know, and ask you for vice versa. good luck man, hang in there. Thanks dude, will go look at your thread. Thanks for your thoughts all. Things aren't as stright forward though - we used ot live together until Sunday when she moved out. So we were still living together for about 2 weeks after the final break-up discussion. I immediately changed my behaviour, stayed out of the flat as much as possible, was positive and happy when I was with her but kept it minimal. She's obviously responding to it, asking me where I am, who with, what I'm doing, and visibly cheerier around me than she has been for the past few months, so I think I'm making inroads on that front. Since she's moved out, I've got NC. This is where it';s gets a bit weird - she's moved ot a flat on her own on the same street as me (I live in a major city). Beyond speculating about her reasons, it means that we're bound to bump into each other, hence why I was asking about my actions when we do communicate. So I think in my case LC will be enforced to an extent by circumstance, as much as I can try to minimise it (but then I shouldn't care so much, right?)
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