ConfusedAtHome Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I haven't posted here in a while, but a brief overview of my situation: I was with my ex partner for 3 years. Six months into our relationship she kissed a straight co-worker of hers, now recently she had an emotional affair with a straight co-worker, broke up with me, began sleeping with someone new (bisexual girl) who she knew from college and for the past two months hasn't been very concerned with my feelings. My ex loves to "conquer" things or try to get what she normally can't have. Let me also say that we own a home together and currently live under the same roof, separate bedrooms. After she broke up with me, I took time to process our breakup and deal with all the emotions that come along with it while she was out sowing her wild ways. I recently began dating someone new and my ex recently broke it off with the girl she was sleeping with because it wasn't working out. So, now my ex wants to go to counseling and try to work on things. I told her I wasn't going because I didn't have issues. I pretty much let her have it the other night...didn't hold back. Now she says she realizes how badly she hurt me and how she tried to rationalize her behavior, which was wrong. So, now that I'm seeing someone, she conveniently wants to work on things. She said she didn't properly deal with the break up initially and she is feeling she may have made a mistake. She is starting individual counseling, but it seems too little too late for me. Could I ever trust her again? Will she really change? She has had a total disregard for my feelings until now. What's the change?
samspade Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Dude, get her out of her life in the most expedient ways possible. Her problems are not your problems. You're right, you don't need the counseling. And you're smart enough to know she can't be trusted. Get a lawyer to deal with the home ownership situation, and get this succubus out of your life. Even if she does eventually change, there is no reason for you to put your life on hold and wait around for her. Next!
lilmrcheerful Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 You're right, you don't need the counseling. I agree. My now ex gf said the same thing to me that I need counselling due to the "problems" in our relationship, funny thing was that she was the cause of all the problems because she was cheating and wanting to find every excuse under the sun to try and make it sound like I was the one with the issues - devious and clever way of making you feel guilty or making you think you have the issue. These people will never change unless they actually start to realise how selfish they are being.
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Confused, don't let her back in. She's reacting because now you're with someone - Her reaction is (again) fear related, not being in control and not calling the shots anymore.. LOOK at her behaviour in the recent past..Her actions.. Nothing has changed so don't let her fool you into believing that now all of a sudden she's ready to work on the relationship. Good for you that you're dating! Keep doing that and focus on your own happiness.
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 I agree. My now ex gf said the same thing to me that I need counselling due to the "problems" in our relationship, funny thing was that she was the cause of all the problems because she was cheating and wanting to find every excuse under the sun to try and make it sound like I was the one with the issues - devious and clever way of making you feel guilty or making you think you have the issue. These people will never change unless they actually start to realise how selfish they are being. The thing that gets to me now is that she is going to individual counseling, so that shows some initiative and she said last night that she realizes how badly she has hurt me and that she is sorry for trying to rationalize her behavior. I have written her a letter with all of my feelings. It would be very hurtful to her to read, but they are my true feelings.
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 She needs to see your pain and understand it. Time will tell if what she's feeling is sincere and she truly wants to change, make the relationship work again. But, the way things have gone in the past, more than likely she's hurt, jealous and upset that you're moving on, not focussing and wanting HER all the time. As you said, you find someone else and BOOM! She wants things back to like they were before. She has ALOT of work to do on herself before you even consider taking her back..
Posco_Proudfoot Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 The thing that gets to me now is that she is going to individual counseling, so that shows some initiative and she said last night that she realizes how badly she has hurt me and that she is sorry for trying to rationalize her behavior. I have written her a letter with all of my feelings. It would be very hurtful to her to read, but they are my true feelings. Individual counseling is great for her and her problems. I'd stay out of her life and move on. There is a big world with people that don't treat you like dirt.
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Thanks everyone for the encouragement! That was basically my reason for posting. I have to keep strong through all of this. And you are right, she is reacting to her fear of not finding someone else. I think she is confused. As for me, I have to stay strong and keep moving with my life...I deserve better. As for the letter, it is harsh and would be difficult for her to read about herself b/c she doesn't handle criticism very well. Should I give it to her?
Trialbyfire Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 DO NOT take back this nutbar! DO NOT go to relationship counseling with her. Keep your distance. You sound like a sane individual. Don't let her make you crazy. Having said all that, individual counseling isn't a bad idea for you. It helps to get things off your chest and to address any repercussions from her whacked-out cheating.
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Yes, give her the letter. There's no reason NOT to.. She isn't confused, she's sulking and reacting. If she was confused she would not have gone off messing around with another woman, she would have focussed on herself and done counselling immediately, and taken time to figure things out. She hasn't done that, although she is now because she feels like she's losing you and losing control of the situation.
Ramrod Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 She's now escaping BACK into her relationship with you to aviod the distress and emotional fallout of her last relationship ending. Once, she's comfortable again, she'll be back to her old tricks. It's clean-break time for both of you, get out of the shared dwelling, get out of the misery, life is too short for BS.
ReeWoo Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 She's only going to counciling because you told her to. If you returned she would stop counciling, imo. As soon as she realizes that you are not going to return to her she will stop going.
Geishawhelk Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 With regard to the letter, let me ask you this: Is it to make her feel worse, or to make you feel better....? There is a subtle difference. My personal view is this. You know she's been the pits. You know how much she hurt you. You know there's no going back. You know you need to move on. You know she's going to IC, but it's too late. How constructive, right now, to her moving forward, would giving her this letter, be? Think carefully.
Hersheys Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 She didn't want you when she had you. Now that she's lost you coupled with her own breakup...she wants you again. Very typical of wanting what they can't have. Trust me, when she's got you hook, line and sinker once again she will ditch the counselling and will go back to her old ways. She still thinks that you are her most convenient backup. Don't give her the letter. It will just be a retelling and rehashing of what you two talked about. She never knew how hurtful she was when she had an affair with the co-worker and slept with someone else. She never thought about you and your feelings when she was having a great time. She realizes how hurtful she's been now that she's going through her own sh***y time. Perfect timing indeed to want to get back together with you. Focus on your new relationship. Starting something good with someone new is so much better than going back to someone who's hurt you and do not trust anymore.
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 This is why I love LS...it reaffirms what I SHOULD be doing! I appreciate all of your comments. I have actually read and re-read the letter and it has made me feel better. I'm not going to give it to her. I will keep it for myself to remind myself of why I deserve better. Also, I have kept my distance with her at home and go on about my life. This has shown her the last two days that I'm not going to fall back into an unhealthy relationship with someone who has serious fidelity issues. So, what does she do last night? She texts me to let me know that she is spending the night out. Clearly, she is going back to the other girl. I now know that they haven't completely called off their "relationship". She didn't get what she wanted me, so she falls back into her old ways. This is affirmation of why she is not serious about making this work.
whichwayisup Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 She didn't get what she wanted me, so she falls back into her old ways More proof that she has no intention of changing her ways or going to counselling to fix herself and to try to rebuild a relationship with you. I am SO glad that you see this and hopefully her recent actions, once again, will reinforce you're doing the right thing and moving on, closing your heart to her. She is more concerned with herself..
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 More proof that she has no intention of changing her ways or going to counselling to fix herself and to try to rebuild a relationship with you. I am SO glad that you see this and hopefully her recent actions, once again, will reinforce you're doing the right thing and moving on, closing your heart to her. She is more concerned with herself.. Thanks Whichwayisup...I'm trying to stay strong through all of this. I, obviously, will always love her. We had built a life together and I didn't envision it without her. But, that doesn't mean I should stay just to be treated poorly. Last night she said she wishes she hadn't brought up the counseling to me. I'm assuming she meant because I didn't want to go. She asked me if I wished she hadn't said anything and I said "I'm glad you showed that you care, but the timing seemed weird". She starts individual counseling tonight and I'm sure that will be interesting. I'm curious as to what the therapist might say to her. Also, I have to keep in mind that she is "saying" all the things I want to hear, but her "actions" are different. She is still "hanging out" with the girl she has been sleeping with. She admitted to kissing a guy last Saturday night. Her actions contradict her words and right now my eyes are more keen than my ears!
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Last night she said she wishes she hadn't brought up the counseling to me. I'm assuming she meant because I didn't want to go. She asked me if I wished she hadn't said anything and I said "I'm glad you showed that you care, but the timing seemed weird". Yup. She said it and may have meant in that particular moment, but deep down she knew she wasn't going to follow through with what she said. She's a walking hurt-bomb right now and toxic for your feelings and emotions.
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 Yup. She said it and may have meant in that particular moment, but deep down she knew she wasn't going to follow through with what she said. She's a walking hurt-bomb right now and toxic for your feelings and emotions. Also, she doesn't take constructive criticism well, so counseling should be interesting to her. I went in my bedroom last night and she called me to come to her room. She does this when she wants a hug or to be affectionate. I told her no. If she cared enough, she would have come to my room to tell me whatever it was she wanted to say. But, surprise, she didn't. She just wanted to see if she could get me in there and take back the control. Absolutely not. You guys on LS really do help reinforce my thoughts and feelings! So, I will keep them coming to get me through this!
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 And more drama.... Last night I stayed with a friend, so my ex could have the house for herself and have some privacy. Not a big deal. Then at 4:30 am she calls my phone incessantly until I wake up. Worried, I call her and she said her car was broken into at our house and she was scared and for me to come home. She had already called the police. I didn't go home and now she is very, very angry with me. Ok, everyone, we are broken up and I'm no longer her caretaker. Her sister lives 10 minutes away and she could have called or gone over there. So, now she is going off on me through text and telling me how horrible I am and how I really hurt her by not caring enough to come home. And she said she wants me out of the house tonight b/c she never wants to see or speak to me again (we own the home together, so I'm not leaving tonight). Am I in the wrong with this? I'm exhausted by the drama and mind games. Tonight should be an interestingly, terrible night.
whichwayisup Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 You're not wrong in this at all. She is pulling out ALL the stops to try to manipulate you and now she's pissed you didn't fall for it. That's why she's reacting and acting like a big sucky baby right now. She cannot kick you out of your house. Isn't it in both of your names? You tell her it's time to sell the house, whatever you do, don't move out. If she wants to leave, she can move out, but you shouldn't be the one to move. She should have called her sister, not you. Don't let her turn this on you. NONE of this is your fault, she brought it ALL on herself and now she's feeling the consquence of not having you in her life. Boo hoo, she'll get over it, she's a grown woman! Sorry that you have to deal with this. Stay strong!
Author ConfusedAtHome Posted February 2, 2009 Author Posted February 2, 2009 You're not wrong in this at all. She is pulling out ALL the stops to try to manipulate you and now she's pissed you didn't fall for it. That's why she's reacting and acting like a big sucky baby right now. She cannot kick you out of your house. Isn't it in both of your names? You tell her it's time to sell the house, whatever you do, don't move out. If she wants to leave, she can move out, but you shouldn't be the one to move. She should have called her sister, not you. Don't let her turn this on you. NONE of this is your fault, she brought it ALL on herself and now she's feeling the consquence of not having you in her life. Boo hoo, she'll get over it, she's a grown woman! Sorry that you have to deal with this. Stay strong! All my friends agree that I've done nothing wrong. I'm not there for her in that capacity anymore. If I didn't live there, she wouldn't have called. So, why now? It's absurd. It's mentally and emotionally draining. She is keeping the house, but I'm working on a contract to relinquish my interests to she and her dad. That will take time. She doesn't want to sell and I do, so we are at a crossroads adn kind of stuck. I'm being as strong as I can under the circumstances. Being with her at the house tonight should be interesting.
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 How did lastnight go? I hope you're okay.. Can't she buy out your half of the house? Get it appraised and go from there?
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