hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I think this thread will be invaluable to those who believe they can love their cheating spouses into stopping their affairs without taking a hard line stance. Please start your post with YES or NO, so that others can keep track easily. This could really help a lot of betrayed spouse who sit on the fence worrying whether they should get tough or not.
taylor Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 NO. You can't stop your spouse's cheating by simply loving them more. Here are the reasons why: 1. The cheating spouse is caught up in the moment with the affair partner..consumed with desire for the affair partner. The last thing the cheating spouse wants is for anyone (esp. the BS) to come between them...interrupt them..wake them up from the feel-good affair fog. The cheating spouse will resent the BS's interference. 2. The cheating spouse has no room in his/her heart for the BS because he/she is completely filled up with the affair partner. The cheating spouse will reject the BS's attempts to love them. 3. If contact has been severed or severely limited, the cheating spouse will be in the midst of withdrawal from the affair partner. Depression and anxiety, grief, sadness and anger will consume the cheating spouse, making it impossible for the cheating spouse to open up to any loving attempts on the part of the BS. They will be futile attempts that willleave the BS frustrated. Affair feelings are powerful/intense. They are compared to the feelings and desires a person has who is addicted to alcohol or drugs. You can't stop a person from wanting alcohol or drugs simply by loving that person. Similarly, you can't stop a cheating spouse from wanting or desiring their affair partner simply by loving them. The only way to break the affair "addiction" is by removing the source of that addiction. Distance, distance, distance. The severing of this powerful tie is drastic. It's tough. It is hardline. But necessary. Time will take care of the rest. Cheating spouses "fall in love" or "fall in lust." You can't force them to fall out of love or lust by loving them. They have to be willing to remove the object of affection from their lives and be willing to struggle through the grief that comes with that loss. It's a conscious and deliberate choice they have to make and commit to.
soserious1 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 loving them more? you mean groveling like some sort of dog at their feet? By the time I filed I'd been sleeping on the sofa for 1 year, my ex-husband had the message loud and clear that I was not happy with his habits nor was I going to happily continue in a sexless marriage. He was still shocked when he was served with the papers. All loving him more would have done was to prolong my misery.
2sure Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 No. Until their actions are met with actions that bring consequences that affect them ....nothing changes.
Reggie Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 No. Cheaters are acting abusively and one needs to treat them as abusers. Just like alcoholics or drug addicts, the best thing to do is get the hell away from them.
misternoname Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Emphatic NO! The distraction of an ongoing affair puts the cheater in a state of mind where all they think about and concentrate on is the fantasy of the moment. My goofy ex wife actually thought she was in love with one of her affair partners (yes...she's had more than one!). It wasn't until it ended (ended very badly) that she realized that her feelings were as fake as the relationship. All that came out of it was destroyed friendships, two destroyed marriages and two families in disarray. Their selfishness came back to haunt them. "Loving" them more??? Why? They didn't deserve it.
taylor Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 The sad thing is it seems many BS do have this knee-jerk reaction post D-day to shower the WS with love and affection in a panicked attempt to hold on to their spouse and their marriage. They make the mistake of internalizing the affair, blaming themselves for their WS's decision to step outside the marriage. They make the mistake of putting the guilt and blame on themselves for somehow failing their spouse and their marriage. And they allow their self-esteem to take a major hit. This reaction is counter-productive if the goal is to stop the affair in its tracks and prevent further damage to the marriage. If the BS continues to love the WS while the WS continues to engage in the affair, the BS is essentially giving the WS permission to cheat. It says, "I will love you even if you love someone else." By choosing to shower the WS with love and affection post-Dday, the BS also sets himself up for more heartache in the form of rejection and lowered self-esteem. The BS in this situation torments himself with questions such as, "Will I ever be good enough? What's wrong with me? Why can't he/she love me...i'm trying so hard." The better response, post D-day, is to STOP LOVING the WS until the WS chooses to end the affair. It sends the message, "I choose not to love you if you choose to love someone else." This forces the WS to choose between the spouse and the affair partner. It drives home the point that the WS can't have it both ways...that it won't be tolerated. Don't love the WS 100 percent until and if he/she can love you back 100 percent. This is also the better response because it gives the BS some control over the situation. The BS hands out the ultimatum and stands on his convictions. It helps the BS hold on to some of his self-respect and self-esteem. And it also helps the BS get to the heart of the matter by forcing the WS to decide what it is they really want. I might add, it's only half the battle to succeed at ending the affair. The other half is getting the WS to re-commit to the marriage whole-heartedly.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I think this thread will be invaluable to those who believe they can love their cheating spouses into stopping their affairs without taking a hard line stance. Please start your post with YES or NO, so that others can keep track easily. This could really help a lot of betrayed spouse who sit on the fence worrying whether they should get tough or not. By posing this question you are assuming the BS didn't love their cheater in the first place. I have no doubt that may be the case in some situations. But regardless, all the idea of loving your spouse to keep them from cheating does is help the cheater learn a valuable lesson.......cheat and you can get your BS to act the way you want. I'm not about being held an emotional hostage just to keep someone from cheating. I dated someone about a year back that was talking about another couple whose wife cheated. She said, "well, if her husband wasn't satisfying her needs, she has the right to go elsewhere". needless to say I didn't want a thing to do with that entitlement princess after that.
JustBreathe Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 No. Never. No way. You'll just turn into their doormat. Old Shep at the back door waiting for them to throw you a bone *arf arf*. The reliable old safety net. The idiot at home holding the fort with the kids while they do the horizontal lambada with their lover. It's enabling behavior.
Author hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Thank you for your responses so far. For those of you considering "loving your spouse into fidelity the score so far is NOs 9 and YES 0. Don't think you know your spouse better then this board knows cheaters.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Nope. Affairs don't end for altruistic reasons. They end because the WS either got busted, bored, or found an new OW/OM.
NoIDidn't Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 No. That's what the OP is doing - being extra loving and doormat-ish. All it will do is reward the cheater and reinforce that somehow when they cheat on you, you will love them more. I don't think one has to get tough or love them more. The key is loving one's self more. When the cheater sees that the spouse is taking better care of themselves whether they (the betrayed) has their (the cheater's) attention or not, it gets them to thinking. Most cheaters hate the thought that their BS is prepared to move on without them.
Trialbyfire Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 NO, you cannot. In doing so, you enable their selfish behaviour.
Ramrod Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 No. Meaning nope. Tried. All that did was make matters worse. She was out to hurt me. And she succeeded.
travelgirl Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 No - I tried it and it didn't work. I read all the suggestions on marriagebuilders and even setting just some boundaries and hoping to work on Plan A and be a nice person because I realized I wasn't the best wife, although it didn't condone his emotional affair. I realized quickly it doesn't work. I went to Plan B, kicked him out and didn't give him an inch. To this day there is not a doubt in my mind we would not be together if I didn't do this. If you nice your way to get back together, you will never know if they truly wanted you back or not. If they don't fight to get you back, you will never get any trust or self confidence back. That is my opinion anyway.
Trialbyfire Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 No - I tried it and it didn't work. I read all the suggestions on marriagebuilders and even setting just some boundaries and hoping to work on Plan A and be a nice person because I realized I wasn't the best wife, although it didn't condone his emotional affair. I realized quickly it doesn't work. I went to Plan B, kicked him out and didn't give him an inch. To this day there is not a doubt in my mind we would not be together if I didn't do this. If you nice your way to get back together, you will never know if they truly wanted you back or not. If they don't fight to get you back, you will never get any trust or self confidence back. That is my opinion anyway. Do you know why punting them out works? It's a shock to their system, in that not only their security is gone but also the one they love. It's plays on their fear of loss, which is a heap big weapon in any relationship. Also, in regaining your self-respect, you regain your confidence faster and become someone they see with new eyes. Btw, my ex-H, over 2+ years later, still wants back. No friggen' way!
Virgo1982 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Yes/No Perception is important in relationships. For a spouse who has made the decision to have an affair because they feel they have the right, giving them tough love can only have two outcomes: 1. They can see your side and beg for your forgiveness. 2. They can be even more resentful because you are once again denying them of what they want. If you use the extra love approach: 1. They can be grateful for the second chance/your mercy and vow to never cheat again. 2. They can take your kindness for weakness and wait until things die down and go back to the regularly scheduled program. I am a firm believer that meeting your partner's needs,or at least making a conscious effort to meet their needs is just as important as fidelity. Before anyone chews my head off, please help me understand this: If most people cheat for no good reason whatsoever, then why does anyone reconcile? How can you accept someone back into your life and work to restore a relationship if there was absolutely no reason for the partner to stray? And if you do stay, how will you ever feel safe knowing there was no reason for your partner to cheat in the first place? The answer would probably be love. Love requires trust and faith. You would have faith that the cheating spouse could change his/her ways. You can not turn off love with your mind, which is why it hurts so very bad after d-day. Unless your partner is stupid, they know exactly what you feel. So, to say you love them less is BS. You can say you show them less, but they know the love is there whether you kick them to the curb or not. Also, for some BS, it is a matter of ego. It's their way or the highway and the cheating spouse decided to be passive-aggressive and choose the highway. Sometimes a cheater is frustrated and crying out for attention. Sometimes they're going through mid-life crisis. Sometimes they're just azzholes. Sometimes people cheat in hopes that the spouse will leave them. And sometimes they just think/know they can get away with it(kinda goes with the azzhole theory.) Everybody cheats for different reasons or a combination of different reasons. At the end of the day, we're all different and different tactics will work for some and won't work for others. Relationships have different dynamics. We should also consider the fact that the BS has to take care of themselves emotionally. Basically, what works for one may not work for all.
Trialbyfire Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 You can not turn off love with your mind, which is why it hurts so very bad after d-day. Unless your partner is stupid, they know exactly what you feel. So, to say you love them less is BS. You can say you show them less, but they know the love is there whether you kick them to the curb or not. Love dies pretty fast when you're overwhelmed with disgust and revulsion. I think you need to experience this before understanding a betrayed spouse's mindset as at D-day and afterwards.
NoIDidn't Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Love dies pretty fast when you're overwhelmed with disgust and revulsion. I think you need to experience this before understanding a betrayed spouse's mindset as at D-day and afterwards. Yeah, I agree. Its something with those vows that makes you feel you can trust that they will never betray you in that way. And if they do betray you, sure you love them but the question is more do they love you. If you had to base it on their actions, the answer would be "no". I think what Virgo is missing here is that "love" is part of both approaches. Tough "love" is still love. One type is honoring the cheater and hurting the betrayed further if they continue to cheat. The other is honoring and protecting the betrayed should the cheater continue to cheat.
Trialbyfire Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I think what Virgo is missing here is that "love" is part of both approaches. Tough "love" is still love. One type is honoring the cheater and hurting the betrayed further if they continue to cheat. The other is honoring and protecting the betrayed should the cheater continue to cheat. That's a great way to put it. Also, the betrayed spouse needs to replenish their self-respect, in whatever way works for them, instead of giving away that self-respect for the cheater to feed on.
Author hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 With Virgo's response there is contrition which means that they are already back. To define it better, I meant that if a WS is not back and is still deep in the fog can you love them into dumping the OM/OW?
NoIDidn't Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 With Virgo's response there is contrition which means that they are already back. To define it better, I meant that if a WS is not back and is still deep in the fog can you love them into dumping the OM/OW? Yeah, that's what I took it as. That they were still in the affair even though they knew the hurt it caused. Like I said, NO. No way, no how would I have turned into a loving doormat to get his affection back.
seibert253 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Do you know why punting them out works? It's a shock to their system, in that not only their security is gone but also the one they love. It's plays on their fear of loss, which is a heap big weapon in any relationship. Also, in regaining your self-respect, you regain your confidence faster and become someone they see with new eyes. Btw, my ex-H, over 2+ years later, still wants back. No friggen' way! Also lets them know your not going to put up with their Sh%t, and if they want the marriage to work, it's on YOUR terms, not theirs.
Athena Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I think this thread will be invaluable to those who believe they can love their cheating spouses into stopping their affairs without taking a hard line stance. Please start your post with YES or NO, so that others can keep track easily. This could really help a lot of betrayed spouse who sit on the fence worrying whether they should get tough or not. NO You think the issues are within you and you try GIVE more of yourself, but the issues are within the cheater who goes elsewhere. Whatever you do, do not love them more... you absolutely MUST give them some Consequences, because if you do not, they will in future do as they please, for selfish reasons, without considering any negative consequences, because they know you do not mean what you say and that they can walk all over you. You must be tough. You must be swift and hard. You must make them EARN the right to be back with you. Don't be too quick to forgive. Don't sweep it under the carpet and hope that will make the pain lesson. It will just give them the feeling that they have the right to do as they please. They will take you for granted, they will not value you as much because you are too easy. You think you are showing them unconditional love, but they just see something worthless and desperate.... make them suffer a little, make them worry about losing you and they will end up valuing you more.
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