xero Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 So after a crazy break up a year ago I contacted my ex's ex who I had never met and he lives in Taiwan so we spoke over email. We basically just compared notes and perspectives and it was really great for me and I even uncovered some lies of hers. He was remarried and they hadn't been together for years so it was no biggy for him. My problem now: I had another crazy breakup (I pick them wrong I swear) and find myself wanting to contact my ex's ex and chat with him about this girl and his experience. I know they fought a lot and I heard her side of the story about him but never his (which is what I'm interested in). I also wanted to tell him that she cheated on him with me 2 weeks before she dumped him a year ago. He never even knew I existed and over the summer was trying to get her back. Anyway, I've been told this is a bad idea and I really don't trust my own judgment on this one because I'm not arbitrary to the situation. Should I? Wouldn't you want to know if a girl cheated on you? I know it's bringing up old times but knowing these things is good for future reference. yay? nay?
Goatsbreath Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 something is wrong with you. Why would you want to do this again? What is the point. No, I would not want to know. This guy took the time to deal with things and heal the best he could with the situation presented to him at the time. Why do you want to reopen the wound and say, oh by the way, you forgot to grieve about this. Grow up and stop contacting the ex's ex, what the hell is wrong with you?
Author xero Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Particularly because the girl has lots of issues and seems to screw everyone over somehow or another. I'm sure we could relate on many things. If some guy contacted me who was dating my ex I would more than love to share my perspectives on her. That's how it went before and it was pretty eye opening. It helped me understand my ex before this one a little better to the point where we've reconciled and are speaking again.
amaysngrace Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 No two relationships are the same. Quit trying to make them be. I'd wonder more about why you choose them wrong because otherwise you will always hook up with the same type. Forget the chick being the common factor...YOU are the common factor in your failed relationships. Put your energy into yourself rather than your exes. You've got it all wrong.
SierraRose Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Why would you even consider wasting your time. She is gone, in the past-exes are just that for a reason. It is her job to focus on self improvement, not yours to point out her flaws. Stop looking for justification of your actions. IMO, figure out where YOU went wrong in the relationship. Take a good hard look at yourself, I guarantee you will find many areas that need improvement.
me1234 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 it may be fun to chat with someone who dated your ex, but it won't accomplish anything, other than potentially causing drama w/ your ex. what exactly are you hoping to achieve? are you looking for closure? reassurance that your ex was a "bad" person? if so, there are other ways to do that. an ex of mine contacted two of my other ex's, and i have to admit i was quite annoyed. she was the type of person who always needed other people to agree w/ her on things, so it was not a surprise, but still very annoying nonetheless.
2sure Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Its wrong. Its a violation of privacy if not legally then morally. You dont need to spread pain to the guy she cheated on, you dont need to have someone else validate that you are right and she is wrong.
Author xero Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 "YOU are the common factor in your failed relationships." That's quite the assumption. That's a convenient theory but not the reality. The girls I have dated seriously have both turned out to have had messed up childhoods. One was physically abused at a very young age, the other had an alcoholic father and was molested by a stranger once. Lucky me! "figure out where YOU went wrong in the relationship. Take a good hard look at yourself, I guarantee you will find many areas that need improvement." been there done that, and although there were a few minor things I could have changed in the course of things there was nothing major that I did. We never really fought about anything much. I don't believe she was in it all the way and have never used the "I love you" with me at all. But she did. The first evidence of her being the reason for things going down the crapper was that she cheated on her bf of 2 years. I heard her side of her ex bf and saw their phone conversations when they broke up. She was very closed off and he called her "cold hearted". Well guess what happened when we broke up?? Same thing...closed off and cold hearted. She would say mean things while I was already in the gutter and make me feel worse. It was cruel. "you dont need to have someone else validate that you are right and she is wrong." I already know that she was wrong in what she did, as does she I'm sure. What I got from the last time I spoke to my ex's ex was the truth about many lies and a perspective on her behaviors and habits that I couldn't get from anyone else who didn't date her. It was actually valuable and like I said I've began talking to her again. I'm not sure I would have had I not gotten this perspective. Who knows though. Oh well, I've gotten more nay's then yay's so I guess I'm sticking with nay.
Geishawhelk Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 ...That's quite the assumption. That's a convenient theory but not the reality. The girls I have dated seriously have both turned out to have had messed up childhoods. One was physically abused at a very young age, the other had an alcoholic father and was molested by a stranger once. Lucky me! So how come is it that you always know how to pick 'em? THis is where you gravitate towards birds with broken wings that need fixing. But they just peck at you instead..... .....been there done that, and although there were a few minor things I could have changed in the course of things there was nothing major that I did. The problem is, everyone is a work-in-progress. And it's clear that even if you think you were pretty blameless, your choice of women, and that you steer towards that type, needs in-depth scrutiny..... .... Well guess what happened when we broke up?? Same thing...closed off and cold hearted. She would say mean things while I was already in the gutter and make me feel worse. It was cruel. Ever stop to think that this is a self-protective measure? "I have been hurt before, so many times, so now I'm hurting you before you can hurt me...." but they hurt all the same. Those who appear callous and cold-hearted very often hide a fragile and vulnerable side. ....What I got from the last time I spoke to my ex's ex was the truth about many lies and a perspective on her behaviors and habits that I couldn't get from anyone else who didn't date her. Lies are a serious sign of low-self esteem and low self-worth. They are ways to bolster an already losing energy. It may not be right, it may not be justified. But it's another form of defense mechanism. And if a person is in soo deep that they can't see a way out with honesty, they will resort to lies in an effort to self-justify. It doesn't work. But it doesn't stop them trying. Again, and again, and again.....until their heads hurt..... Oh well, I've gotten more nay's then yay's so I guess I'm sticking with nay. Good job.
Author xero Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 I don't think 2/2 is steering towards that's type. That makes for a weak argument. 3/3 maybe then we'll start talking, but that could be chanced. But two for two might just be bad luck. I just haven't been through enough women to make any sort of conclusions about who I go for.
Recommended Posts