shazam Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I cant seem to get away from my ex. We met in highschool, it was a very unhealthy relationship...after a year together, I wanted out. I made plans to move across the country for college. Three weeks before school was to start, I found out I was pregnant. I knew I didn’t want to marry him or mess up my future so I gave the baby up for adoption, but couldn’t go through with it and ended up taking the baby back from the adoptive parents. I was a single mom for a few years, the whole time he refused to move on and was begging to have me back. Eventually I agreed to give it a second chance because I wanted to legitimize my child and try to have a normal family. I basically felt like I had no other option. Fast forward 4 years into the marriage, by this time we have another child together. I’m super unhappy with him, mostly because he developed an aversion to working, and therefore shifted all responsibility for mortgage and bills onto me, and I wasn't making enough. I filed for divorce last March. He refused to move out, avoiding and delaying the divorce any way he could. I could not force him to move because the house is in both of our names. By July I met someone and started dating, despite the fact my ex was still living in my house, this made him go pretty crazy and his behavior became somewhat terroristic towards me. Finally I got a temporary court order in September that forced him to move out, although he still was not cooperating with divorce proceedings. In fact, we are still not divorced today because he refuses to mediate, or take the co-parenting classes, there are certain requirements that must be completed before they will grant a divorce in the state of MN. Since being forced out he has been couch surfing, Im not sure where, because he isolated himself from everyone during the marriage, and has no family support system. Everyday I get up to 50 text messages and emails from him that vary from ‘I cant get over you and will always love you’ to ‘burn in hell b*tch’. I was hoping that he would man up and find employment, a place of his own, stabilize a bit…but it still hasn’t happened. The worst part is that he refuses to see the children. September, October, November, and December went by without a single attempt to see his kids, despite consistent daily harassment on my phone and email from him, but refuses to see or even speak to the kids. Saying, ‘Its too painful’ and that its my fault he doesn’t want to see or talk to the kids because I, ‘threw the family away and made him homeless’ So I was very depressed and stressed. The relationship with my boyfriend was suffering because I needed to focus 100% of my time and attention on my kids and did not feel it would be appropriate to introduce a new man into their life so soon after their father’s sudden and complete absence. He eventually dumped me (the boyfriend of 5 months), which was excruciating because I loved him. Although I know it was probably a rebound relationship that was serving as a nice distraction to my failed marriage. But it was a very nice distraction while it lasted.. Christmas was really hard on my kids, they wanted to talk to their Dad and he wouldn’t even answer his phone. A couple weeks ago, the stbxh just wore me down with his begging and guilt trips...he claimed he was living in his truck and freezing cold, and so finally I just said, ‘Fine, come back’. So now he is back, and my kids are really happy. I realized how weak it was of me to let him back into my life, so I started seeing a counselor. Im trying to convince the counselor that it is better that I suffer, rather than my kids not have a father. But already I'm getting super annoyed that he constantly needs money for gas, and eats all the food, and basically sits around all day while I bust my *ss! I tell him, if he loves me as much as he says he will get a job and he just says, ‘This is just all about money to you, isn’t it?’ Agghh, I hate the fact that he used the kids as leverage and it worked! I don't know what to do.
mark982 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 ahhhh, no disrespect. it's called grow a backbone.you're letting him pizz with you. boot him out, change phone ##, of course it's tuff on the kids. they don't know their dads a bum.you'll never move on --- til you move on.
pelicanpreacher Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Your husband is the worst kind of "mama's boy" you could have ever come across. His entire angle to relationships is to find a mother figure to take care of him so he constantly appeals to your nurturing sense to gain a foothold in your life. He is a parasite that is incapable of empathizing with your need for a true life partner so, until you see him for what he is, you'll constantly fall prey to his machinations and end up having years of your life drained away to the point your self-esteem will fall so low you'll be paralyzed into inaction and trapped forever with this loser. As Mark982 stated, you need to grow a backbone, tell him exactly what you think of him, and let him know that his immaturity will no longer be tolerated in your life. If he hates you for this so be it but at least he'll know that your nurturing tap has been turned off and he is truly out in the cold with you!
Author shazam Posted February 4, 2009 Author Posted February 4, 2009 Thank you for the encouragement. I agree that I need to be strong and walk away, it will force him to grow up. I just dont want my kids to see him as the victim, because thats the way he portrays it. I will keep reminding myself of these things and draw strength from it, thank you.
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