Wait for it....and there it is, the predictable "I miss you" text!

[irishsimon]

Well, I wonder if in your situation- if you really do want to rekindle things- you could do so if you made a bigger effort.

 

I don't think you have a commitment disorder- just perhaps a bad year that clouded yur judgement.

 

If you really feel you have lost out and have no gotten your turmoil straightened out. It mighht be worth it to pursure harder. Believe me- the attraction is still there on her end but if she's like me- she's scared to get hurt again.

 

I'm only saying no way becaue I know this guy is a bonafide CP. That will never lead me anywhere good no matter how much I care for him.

 

Why not try and be open with her- be honest and genuine. I'd say that can work to woo someone back.

 

Just make sure you are ready to go into it for the long haul before you decide to pursue her again. It's only fair.

 

D-lish.. I hope you don't mind me asking for more advice on your thread. I appreciate you have enough of your own crap to deal with so just whenever.

 

Your comment on push harder has been running around my head. It was the first reaction of my best friend to the situation...though he doesnt know this girl at all. I usually come to decisions like this quite easily but this one has me well confused.

 

Being told the feelings are gone..should I not be listening to that? I have to respect that statement don't I? I understand you are telling that to the guy in your situation even though you have feelings but I'm debating why pushing harder wouldn't just push her away.

 

I'm not even sure I know how to approach pushing harder. I dont want to piss her off and lose my self respect at the same time. I cant say,,look I've changed..I don't really think that kind of approach ever works AND...there was nothing to change as such..It was just a series of events that I had a reaction too. Obviously it scared me so I'm taking it to counseling. But to state that to her sounds like a man who's doing the usual and trying to fix things. I have been nothing but open and honest with her but obviously its been an emotionally charged time and things dont always get heard or come out in the right way in such circumstances.

 

She has a very strong family set up and a massive support network of friends who will siding with her as they will have seen her upset. I cant see how I could begin to break through all that so I just don't know if its better to just let her go.

 

Do you think a call is a way forward? a valentines card perhaps? If there was anything (hypothetically) the guy in your life could say to reduce your hurt/anger/frustration..what would you like to hear?

 

What do you think Trialbyfire? I have read many of your posts and have alot of respect for your attitude and advice.

 

I'm just confused. I dont want to upset her and myself in the process though I'd accept some pain to find a way to re-connect with her so I could at least have the opportunity to talk with her. We are not ignoring each other, there hasnt been any nastiness AT ALL. I have had the friends line too. We just arent contacting each other but its not NC. Maybe she is looking for me to to take a stand but when I did previously I got the emotions flat-lined, feelings gone text.

 

For her its a trust issue. I'm not sure she sees it as a result of the events in my life last year. Her dad is bi-polar and she has developed a tough exterior to deal with that. I think I'm now dealing with the same coping mechanism that she uses in that situation with her dad. Block it out.

 

At the end of the day once the trust goes..well we ll know what happens there. It just bugs me its just not in me to abuse trust on any level.

 

Thanks for you time.

[Isolde]

Y'know, I'm glad he's acting like a turd because it's frankly so ridiculous, it's easier for you to move on. You're so resolute, it's quite inspiring!

 

I like that line about drowning in a pathetic sea of regret too. Small doses of revengeful thinking never hurt anyone.

[D-Lish]

D-lish.. I hope you don't mind me asking for more advice on your thread. I appreciate you have enough of your own crap to deal with so just whenever.

 

Your comment on push harder has been running around my head. It was the first reaction of my best friend to the situation...though he doesnt know this girl at all. I usually come to decisions like this quite easily but this one has me well confused.

 

Being told the feelings are gone..should I not be listening to that? I have to respect that statement don't I? I understand you are telling that to the guy in your situation even though you have feelings but I'm debating why pushing harder wouldn't just push her away.

 

I'm not even sure I know how to approach pushing harder. I dont want to piss her off and lose my self respect at the same time. I cant say,,look I've changed..I don't really think that kind of approach ever works AND...there was nothing to change as such..It was just a series of events that I had a reaction too. Obviously it scared me so I'm taking it to counseling. But to state that to her sounds like a man who's doing the usual and trying to fix things. I have been nothing but open and honest with her but obviously its been an emotionally charged time and things dont always get heard or come out in the right way in such circumstances.

 

She has a very strong family set up and a massive support network of friends who will siding with her as they will have seen her upset. I cant see how I could begin to break through all that so I just don't know if its better to just let her go.

 

Do you think a call is a way forward? a valentines card perhaps? If there was anything (hypothetically) the guy in your life could say to reduce your hurt/anger/frustration..what would you like to hear?

 

What do you think Trialbyfire? I have read many of your posts and have alot of respect for your attitude and advice.

 

I'm just confused. I dont want to upset her and myself in the process though I'd accept some pain to find a way to re-connect with her so I could at least have the opportunity to talk with her. We are not ignoring each other, there hasnt been any nastiness AT ALL. I have had the friends line too. We just arent contacting each other but its not NC. Maybe she is looking for me to to take a stand but when I did previously I got the emotions flat-lined, feelings gone text.

 

For her its a trust issue. I'm not sure she sees it as a result of the events in my life last year. Her dad is bi-polar and she has developed a tough exterior to deal with that. I think I'm now dealing with the same coping mechanism that she uses in that situation with her dad. Block it out.

 

At the end of the day once the trust goes..well we ll know what happens there. It just bugs me its just not in me to abuse trust on any level.

 

Thanks for you time.

 

Well, I think you sort of did the same thing to this girl that my ex did to me right? Just pushed her away one too many times and then decided you had made a mistake and now want to really give it a go?

 

First, you have to decide if you really want to be with her. It's best not to toy with her if you aren't 100% sure about it.

 

I still have feelings for my ex. If I thought he could be trusted, thought he was sincere about his advances and he made a real effort to make a commitment- I'd probably consider it. The only reason I haven't and won't is because I know that he won't ever change.

 

He's never been truly consistent with me- so I have no trust in him.

 

If she is someone you want to be with- and you truly mean it... then I say yes- do your best to make amends. Be 100% honest with her, lay your heart on the line and go after her.

 

Yes, I tell my ex irishman that I am over him and it isn't true. I still miss him and think about him all the time. This is just me and my situation- I can't go backwards, not with him.

 

I think if nothing else, you have to try. It's very true that actions speak louder than words- you can tell her you've changed all you want, but she has to see those changes- and that takes time, patience and consistency on your part.

 

It starts with a phone call. I'd truly go with the phone call... it shows genuine reaching out.

[D-Lish]

Y'know, I'm glad he's acting like a turd because it's frankly so ridiculous, it's easier for you to move on. You're so resolute, it's quite inspiring!

 

I like that line about drowning in a pathetic sea of regret too. Small doses of revengeful thinking never hurt anyone.

 

It surely helps me to move on when I recognize the mind games- that's for sure. I've met and stuck around for guys like this in the past- and I have to say that I have learned from those experiences ...finally!!!

 

I would have given him a second chance if he had been able to make up his mind and start acting accordingly with consistency. But he's never been able to do that. It's been over a month since we broke up and he still can't make up his mind- friend, booty call, bf,??? He has no clue what he wants. I deserve so much better.

 

I'm pretty much hoping to be totally moved on by the time he realizes what he has lost. I'm getting there...

 

I'm trying to make smart assessments from the get go from here on out- and recognize a good one vs a bad one in the early stages.

 

I was at a superbowl party at a pub yesterday and a nice guy came over and knelt down beside me and told me he knew me from the dog park... we had a nice chat- he's very sweet and always has been at the dog park as well. My friends adored him, my mom and her friend liked him... Geez- date someone my mom actually likes- that will be new for me. Anyway- he text me today and we're going for coffee this week.

 

No more bad boys- no more confused boys.... not for this girl.

[irishsimon]

Well, I think you sort of did the same thing to this girl that my ex did to me right? Just pushed her away one too many times and then decided you had made a mistake and now want to really give it a go?

 

First, you have to decide if you really want to be with her. It's best not to toy with her if you aren't 100% sure about it.

 

I still have feelings for my ex. If I thought he could be trusted, thought he was sincere about his advances and he made a real effort to make a commitment- I'd probably consider it. The only reason I haven't and won't is because I know that he won't ever change.

 

He's never been truly consistent with me- so I have no trust in him.

 

If she is someone you want to be with- and you truly mean it... then I say yes- do your best to make amends. Be 100% honest with her, lay your heart on the line and go after her.

 

Yes, I tell my ex irishman that I am over him and it isn't true. I still miss him and think about him all the time. This is just me and my situation- I can't go backwards, not with him.

 

I think if nothing else, you have to try. It's very true that actions speak louder than words- you can tell her you've changed all you want, but she has to see those changes- and that takes time, patience and consistency on your part.

 

It starts with a phone call. I'd truly go with the phone call... it shows genuine reaching out.

 

Hey D-Lish..thanks for your response. I really appreciate it. Mine is probably going to be a bit longer.

 

It wasn't that black and white.. for me anyway. Obviously for her, it was. I saw her during the time when I was depressed and things were good 121. I think she decided she couldn't take the risk being with someone who may get depressed and drag her down. That's fair enough. I canceled 3 evenings at public/family events over 2 weeks at Xmas..as my confidence was very low and I was broke due to work issues. I've explained the reasons earlier in this thread but I will also add that its clear that I was falling in love and that made me feel very vulnerable. My last LTR was with someone who was bi-polar so my feelings for this girl generated some level of fear for me. Though I did stay single for 2 years to deal with that. But those 2 years were full of hospitals, death and cancer for my family.

 

It was not attending the family event that really caused the issue and I understand that. Her family are important. When meeting them for the first time I wanted to be perfect for her and not some depressed person with little to say. I knew I'd shake it off but how do you relate that to another person? We are talking about meeting 40 people. I wanted all her friends and family ro think I was perfect for her. Its my own fault. That could never happen If I wasn't there. I didn't mean to cause her any pain. Just trying to protect myself. I'm sure her attraction for me just died. She doesn't like confrontation so was never really aware of what it meant to her.

 

This period was an exceptional time for me but with a short term relationship it was probably a case of get out before she gets in too deep feeling wise, ensuring she didn't get hurt. Her dad is bi-polar so maybe things seemed too close to home. I'm sure her Mum played a part in it as she had always talked about the struggle in the family while she was growing up.

 

Like you, she considered it a trust issue...as in trusting me never to cancel again. I do feel a bit hard done by. I was pretty consistent with her. This was the only thing..a 2 week period over Xmas where I i had trouble coping with everything.. I didnt toy with her at all though my fears probably made me question things a little bit but i was just trying to reach out to her. I suppose that is an inconsistency. I did my best to explain, never mentioned splitting up..nothing like that. I was somewhere between love and infatuation and I was taking a long term view, as was she. There was also the work situation hanging over me and she did understand that I may have to go back to London to work. Probably another factor.

 

She hasn't initiated any contact since we split, she's very strong - outwardly. I have texted her on two occasions, each a week apart and then after your earlier response I emailed her. I didn't want to phone. That may have been too painful for her and I wasnt in the right mental state to be coherent. My mail was very open, very honest and my heart couldnt have been more on the line. I don't think it was written that well though. It probably tugged on her heart strings and upset her. Writing to her about how much i felt probably came across as manipulative. I'm sure she wont reply. I think she gone and not looking back.

 

Her coping mechanism is to block things out and internalize..prob how she coped with her dad's illness. She is hard to read emotionally..though she said i was able to . She has a massive support network of friends and family so she's not looking over her shoulder much i reckon. She talked a couple of times about men in her past and finding the fatal flaw..I'm now one of them. I do see a pattern... any trouble and she bails. Why not..she deserves fun, but i also think she's looking for perfection where it will never exist.

 

The split was a catalyst due to the shock and I'm now in counseling as an insurance policy on my feelings and my work and financial situation are improving. But I think this is one I may have to let go. I don't expect to hear from her again. I considered a Valentine card but feel its now time to go NC for my own self respect..???? Maybe this is one of those times I have been taught a lesson and i'll probably look back on this as a growing experience. They are the special ones.

 

I'm not sure its wise to push any harder and the short time period of the relationship wasn't enough to consolidate her feelings to a level where she was in deep enough that letting go would be hard for her. Who knows. I'd keep at it if I thought there was any hope.

[Zammo25]

I emailed her. I didn't want to phone. That may have been too painful for her and I wasnt in the right mental state to be coherent. My mail was very open, very honest and my heart couldnt have been more on the line. I don't think it was written that well though. It probably tugged on her heart strings and upset her. Writing to her about how much i felt probably came across as manipulative. I'm sure she wont reply. I think she gone and not looking back.

 

This is the thing that really annoys me about LS. How can telling someone you love them and your feelings be manipultive ?. Its up to her if she feels the same way , you cannot force her to love you by saying you love her but for heavens sake tell it how it is, if you love her tell her and walk away being true to yourself and your heart. All this hard ball, NC, don't show her I care about the split is a load of BS.

 

If being in love with someone is manipulative I suggest you do not meet anyone else or fall in love again for fear of being manipulative towards them.

 

Say it HOW IT IS and move on.

[irishsimon]

Well I can express my fears about it on here..can't I ? I sent it and I'm moving on.

[D-Lish]

Well I can express my fears about it on here..can't I ? I sent it and I'm moving on.

 

Well, after sending the letter- you have left the ball in her court. You have said what you needed to say, and yes, it's time to move forward.

 

Hopefully some of the things you said hit home and give her something to think about. If she doesn't respond- you'll never look back with regret for not trying.

 

At least you had the opportunity to explain yourself.

 

I wouldn't send a V-day card or anything- I think your letter will either be an ending to this- or you'll get a response and open dialogue. If she doesn't respond- yep, let things go.

 

Are you on anything for your depression?

[irishsimon]

Well, after sending the letter- you have left the ball in her court. You have said what you needed to say, and yes, it's time to move forward.

 

Hopefully some of the things you said hit home and give her something to think about. If she doesn't respond- you'll never look back with regret for not trying.

 

At least you had the opportunity to explain yourself.

 

I wouldn't send a V-day card or anything- I think your letter will either be an ending to this- or you'll get a response and open dialogue. If she doesn't respond- yep, let things go.

 

Are you on anything for your depression?

 

 

 

 

No..not at all. Never taken any meds. I just go and talk about it to a professional if I need to, which isnt often. The last time was 4 yrs ago. Just got in a bit of a rut for a couple of weeks once I actually sat down at the end of the year and started to take in everything that had happened. I wasnt working and had just finished looking after my nan who had recovered from cancer in late Nov..too much thinking time, job apps rejected etc etc. I had been so wrapped up in other people's stuff incl her.. I didnt really think enough about myself. I felt pressure from being with someone new who I really liked. I just found it hard to shake and it really hit my confidence. Tried not to show her and backed off a bit so I could stabilise. I was always going to pull myself out. In the end she helped by bailing. There was no question of my withdrawing as i didnt like her. Maybe she thought that tho. She doesnt do confrontation and internalizes. Never knew how she was feeling. I wasnt 'that' bad but I did upset her by not getting fully involved with her friends and family.

C'est la vie!

[irishsimon]

D-Lish..what have you done about your guy? or is it a case of what hasnt he done?

[Lishy]

Wow Dee you have empowered me! I have the same problem with my ex. I hear nothing for a while and then BAM the phone starts ringing and the more I ignore it, the more he calls!! Then the joke texts followed by the I miss you BS, Our song being played into my answerphone and then the offering to do anything to get me back ... Promises the world and delivers nadda!!

 

I took him back time after time but it has stopped now as I have finally got it into my thick head that he will never change.

 

It is hard to ignore when you wish you could make things work yet know that you just cant!

[D-Lish]

Wow Dee you have empowered me! I have the same problem with my ex. I hear nothing for a while and then BAM the phone starts ringing and the more I ignore it, the more he calls!! Then the joke texts followed by the I miss you BS, Our song being played into my answerphone and then the offering to do anything to get me back ... Promises the world and delivers nadda!!

 

I took him back time after time but it has stopped now as I have finally got it into my thick head that he will never change.

 

It is hard to ignore when you wish you could make things work yet know that you just cant!

 

Well I have to tell you Lishy- it's been many years of accepting guys like this and letting them pull my strings that has led to the "just say no" attitude.

 

I miss him tons- I still think about him daily. I just don't go back to him.

But, he proves his inconsistency over and over. Comes on strong- then backs off... then comes on strong. It's not like I ignore him completely- I just don't give him back that part of me that was falling for him.

 

Guys like this don't change... they have no clue what they want.

 

The last time I saw him was a few weeks ago- I went to pick up my stuff after breaking up with him before x-mas because he said he couldn't commit. We spent the whole night together and he literally went back and forth between "I am such a fool for letting you walk"... to "don't get involved with me because I'll hurt you".... He did this to me the whole night, even going so far as to say "maybe this is a bad idea- we'll just fall back to where we were".... I just remained indifferent and kept changing the subject. Then the next thing I know- I am trying to leave in the morning and he's clutching me telling me he's afraid he'll never see me again. Yes, we did have sex-It was closure sex for me and I am not sorry I did it. But the dude spent the whole night visibly fluctuating back and forth between being vulnerable and being defensive (and I was saying nothing).

 

He's one messed up guy. That night was weird. I am talking about mundane stuff- and he kept injecting his fear of a relationship into the mix- I never even brought up a relationship- and everytime he did- I changed the subject. It's like I would say- Oh wow, I had this great hamburger the other day... and he'd say "I just don't want to hurt you- if we stay involved I probably will".... Out of the blue- and I'd just keep re-iterating I was indifferent and just wanted to have a stress free night without that kind of talk.

 

He's fond of announcing to me that he cannot fall in love with me. He tells me so unsolicited all the time. I tell him to get over himself because I am not interested in changing him. I tell him that our romance ended at xmas when he got cold feet and was a bit of an ass to me.

 

That's messed up right? We'd be together sometimes and he'd be soooo vulnerable- then immediately after he'd strut around and proclaim "don't get too close to me..." mmm, okay- where did that comment come from?

 

I've given him nothing but indifference since our break up at x-mas... but I still have exchanges with him here and there. He is still all over the map. I pretend I don't care even though I do.

 

Me? I never solicited any of his outbursts about relationship stuff. I mentioned before xmas that I'd love to spend xmas with him (my one and only reach out) and he checked out.

 

It's like he has a battle going on in his own head. I kept telling him- "no worries man, I wouldn't go back there with you".... and he would keep talking out his ass about not wanting to hurt me- then switch to "I'll never find anyone like you again"..... That's messed up stuff.

 

I would not get back together with him- ever... and all you guys can quote me on this one. I've realized that you can like someone and say NO... because they aren't right for you.

 

He's not right for me- he's far too messed up. I like him, sure. I return a text here and there.... but I won't go back.

 

I think I am venting- better to vent than to be chatting with the ex!!!

lol

 

Just say no Lishy- you can do it.

[Lishy]

wow again Dee!!

 

I made my mind up that I would never take him back some time ago after MANY times of taking him back and believing things would change and he would become reliable! No more! The shutter is down and the door is firmly closed. I woke up and got me some self respect and know that I can (and will) do much better!

 

The thing I struggled with was that he was such a lovely guy and right for me in so many ways other then the flakiness.

 

I am not even sad anymore, just excited for the future and I dont mean this in a nasty way, but I am quite glad that you know how I feel Dee, we can keep each other strong lol

 

xx

[irishsimon]

Well I have to tell you Lishy- it's been many years of accepting guys like this and letting them pull my strings that has led to the "just say no" attitude.

 

I miss him tons- I still think about him daily. I just don't go back to him.

But, he proves his inconsistency over and over. Comes on strong- then backs off... then comes on strong. It's not like I ignore him completely- I just don't give him back that part of me that was falling for him.

 

Guys like this don't change... they have no clue what they want.

 

The last time I saw him was a few weeks ago- I went to pick up my stuff after breaking up with him before x-mas because he said he couldn't commit. We spent the whole night together and he literally went back and forth between "I am such a fool for letting you walk"... to "don't get involved with me because I'll hurt you".... He did this to me the whole night, even going so far as to say "maybe this is a bad idea- we'll just fall back to where we were".... I just remained indifferent and kept changing the subject. Then the next thing I know- I am trying to leave in the morning and he's clutching me telling me he's afraid he'll never see me again. Yes, we did have sex-It was closure sex for me and I am not sorry I did it. But the dude spent the whole night visibly fluctuating back and forth between being vulnerable and being defensive (and I was saying nothing).

 

He's one messed up guy. That night was weird. I am talking about mundane stuff- and he kept injecting his fear of a relationship into the mix- I never even brought up a relationship- and everytime he did- I changed the subject. It's like I would say- Oh wow, I had this great hamburger the other day... and he'd say "I just don't want to hurt you- if we stay involved I probably will".... Out of the blue- and I'd just keep re-iterating I was indifferent and just wanted to have a stress free night without that kind of talk.

 

He's fond of announcing to me that he cannot fall in love with me. He tells me so unsolicited all the time. I tell him to get over himself because I am not interested in changing him. I tell him that our romance ended at xmas when he got cold feet and was a bit of an ass to me.

 

That's messed up right? We'd be together sometimes and he'd be soooo vulnerable- then immediately after he'd strut around and proclaim "don't get too close to me..." mmm, okay- where did that comment come from?

 

I've given him nothing but indifference since our break up at x-mas... but I still have exchanges with him here and there. He is still all over the map. I pretend I don't care even though I do.

 

Me? I never solicited any of his outbursts about relationship stuff. I mentioned before xmas that I'd love to spend xmas with him (my one and only reach out) and he checked out.

 

It's like he has a battle going on in his own head. I kept telling him- "no worries man, I wouldn't go back there with you".... and he would keep talking out his ass about not wanting to hurt me- then switch to "I'll never find anyone like you again"..... That's messed up stuff.

 

I would not get back together with him- ever... and all you guys can quote me on this one. I've realized that you can like someone and say NO... because they aren't right for you.

 

He's not right for me- he's far too messed up. I like him, sure. I return a text here and there.... but I won't go back.

 

I think I am venting- better to vent than to be chatting with the ex!!!

lol

 

Just say no Lishy- you can do it.

 

 

I worried I was maybe quite messed up around Xmas but I now think I'm very very normal. Have to respect your attitude and level head D-lish. I think you and the girl I knew would get on like a house on fire lol. You've given me a great insight into how she may have been thinking.