GreenEyedGirl28 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Long post, sorry! My husband and I have been married for about 4 months, and have been together for two years. Our problem is his ex-fiancee-- in one way or another she always seems to be coming between us. My husband dated this woman for about a year and a half and was engaged to her for about 6 months. They broke off their engagement approximately seven years ago. (She was not well mentally and often went off of her medication. My husband began to feel like her caretaker, not her partner, and eventually he ended things.) Since then, he's moved several times and been in other long-term relationships. However, the whole time they've maintained a "friendship." The tension surrounding her started the first weekend we were intimate when we were dating. When he left my house, he called me and when I answered the phone he said, "LISA!!!!!" My name is not Lisa-- he had meant to call her and accidently called me instead. I hung up, very upset. Tears, apologies, we moved on... When we started dating, they talked almost every day. I expressed that I thought this was inappropriate and he said that he would not talk to her so often. Although he's claimed to be talking to her less the whole time we've been together, we still manage to have plenty of issues surrounding her. He still seems to feel the need to constantly check on her... I finally told him that he broke up with her because it wasn't his role as her husband to be her caretaker. It's certainly not his role as MY husband to be her caretaker. Some examples of other issues we've had: ~ Last year, on Christmas and Thanksgiving, he left the house and walked around the neighborhood alone so that he could talk to her on these holidays. We had a long talk before Thanksgiving this year and I explained that it was not appropriate to ruin the intimacy of our holidays by leaving to call her. (He agreed not to call her this year and as a result we had a lovely holiday. Kudos to him.) ~ He wanted me to meet her when we took a recent trip to the town where she lives-- I refused. I'm sorry, but I don't want to hang out with the woman my husband lived with and was engaged to before me. I'm sure she's perfectly nice, I just don't feel the need to build a relationship with her. ~ Whenever I mention something that we could do together my husband seems to get nostalgic for when he did it with her... Such as, when I mentioned planting flowers at our new home, my husband said, "We had this house where we planted pansies. They were so pretty." The "we" he was referring to was he and his ex, not he and I. ~ He had a bunch of pictures posted online with captions that said things like "Our cottage." I felt like I had to remind him that there is no "our" with her anymore. We are married-- "Our" should refer to he and I! ~ In conversation last week, he accidently called me her name. We were discussing her and I was asking what he tells her about me. He answered, "I tell her 'Lisa and I...'" He stopped himself. Again, my name is not Lisa. And while I realized that this could be an easy slip of the tongue, it meant more to me because there is so much tension surrounding her. Today was the final straw. I had to call the bank to get some information about our joint savings account and the woman asked me to verify the answer to our security question: "What is the name of our cat?" We don't have a cat--we never have. We have two dogs. Long story short, I found out that the answer to the security question on a bank account he has with me (his wife!!!!) is the name of the cat he had with his ex-fiancee. What's going on? He insists that he's happier in this relationship than he's ever been before and that he's not still harboring feelings for her, but it seems like at least once every few weeks he brings her up, brings up their life together, or something that they shared. It's making it near impossible to have a loving relationship with him, because our happiness seems haunted by the memory of her... I believe that my husband should be able to maintain casual friendships with whoever he wants as long as they don't interfere with our relationship. This is interferring, BIG TIME. But let me make one thing clear--I don't feel like this is her fault. It's my husband's fault. He's the one who keeps calling her and mentioning her to me. I don't feel close to him as a result and often feel so angry about it that I don't want to get close to him. What do I do?!?
smarterthanbefore Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Honey, I'm sorry you are going through this. It seems as if he is not over her yet. You need to demand he cease all contact with her now in order to save your marriage. They have no children together, so why do they need to keep in contact? You need to tell him that her prescence in your life and marriage will not be tolerated and discuss in depth his feeling toward her. I would tell him if he want our marriage, there can be no more Lisa and make him change all his contact information. IF he slips and contact her even once, we are divorcing. I would see this the same as cheating because he is emotionally involved with her. But that's what I would do. You have to handle things the way you see fit. I don't understand the need to stay in touch with an ex unless you have kids together. What is the purpose. I hope things work out for you. You deserve to be first priority in your husbands life, and he should never call you his ex's name. The fact that he knows how you feel about the friendship, yet he continues to talk to and about her is complete disrespect to you and your marriage. I hope things work out for you. Good luck.
JennaGennaro Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 That is a terrible situation you are in and I feel sad for you. I agree with the other poster. He has to cease all contact with her, but I don't think he will if he has been in contact with her all these years. It seems like there is something within him that feels the need to protect and care for this woman. Maybe he feels guilty for something he felt he did in the relationship, but that is his problem, not yours. I couldn't take the things you are going through. Not to add more worries, but I would be afraid that if he were making love to me, that he was thinking about her the whole time. That would be terrible. He is putting you through enough problems. If he doesn't stop all contact with this woman than I think you have no choice but to get your marriage annulled or get a divorce. I know you said you have been together for two years, but only married for four months. You should be in the honeymoon phase still. He is being very unfair to you and you deserve better.
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 It sounds like he is still inlove with her, and that they're too close. Sooner or later he has to choose, YOU or HER. If he can't, you may have to do the choosing for him and walk away.. To stick around and compete with someone from the past, that he still holds dear and close to his heart isn't fair to you, your new marriage and new life together. He is being selfish and hurting YOU, his wife, yet he doesn't want to hurt his ex so your needs are second fiddle. That's just wrong.
2sure Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 His ex fiance, ex girlfriends, and w/o children - ex wives should all be gone when he married YOU. The fact that you have told him you are not happy with the contact should have been enough for him to tell her sorry but goodbye. You are not being petty - you are not the priority here. To be perfectly honest, with her on his mindso very frequently - if they are not having a physical affair - clearly there is an emotional one - and he is so firm on keeping you both that he wanted you to meet her. This is not good. Tell her to choose. Right now and then prove he is trustworthy.
Nikki Sahagin Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 This sounds almost so unbelievable it could almost be funny. I didn't mean that in any disrespectful way by the way - in case that sounds an insensitive thing to say! Just that it is so ridiculous of him - it could be something straight out of a comedy sketch. Does he REALISE he does this? Is it always a slip of the tounge or is he always conscious he does this? If he IS sometimes conscious of this i.e. the pansy comment then you must ask does he do this because he is so insensitive and dumb that he can't even realise why this would be innapropriate, because he sees nothing wrong with it, or because he is purposely trying to hurt you. I find it strange he would mention her :s. It seems he is focused on his old memories with her instead of building new memories with her. Did they end on bad or good terms? And what has he possibly got to stay in touch with her about? It almost sounds like he's trying to turn you into a version of her a la stepford wives. Unless they are just so close and platonic now that all romantic feeling is gone and he just looks back fondly on the memories...it's still unusual.
Haruka Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Hun, I understand the fraustration your going through. Four months after I meet my partner, he would go on and on about his first ever girlfriend "Louise". Not nice things mainly mean things about her. Then he would discuss about other girls he dated, none of the comments were nice. It seemed he had to tell me about them. I actually seen a picture of "Louise"and she seemed like a nice girl, very pretty in her prom dress with my partner beside her. When we offically became a couple. I had to lay down the line. I told him that he needed to stop talking about his exes even if it was in relevance. That now he was with me and I wasnt there when he dated them. There was no point in bringing them up to me. It seems that in your relationship, your the third wheel. To your husband, Lisa was his first and of course what you do with him isn't a priority. Sit him down and talk to him, try not to blow up, but in a mature way say your not very happy about Lisa always being on his mind. That right now in the present it is just you two and your dogs. There is no Lisa or cat. Give him time to think it over and then ask if he was interested in you. Then it could be your answer.
Ms. Red Posted February 3, 2009 Posted February 3, 2009 Is the OP even coming back? Yeah, it's pretty rotten of your husband to continue such contact with this OW. But you witnessed 2 years of this pattern. Did you think that a marriage certificate would put an end to it? I agree with the other posters that you need to be blunt & demand he cease contact with her. But, it is a lot to ask someone to not talk about someone who was a big part of their life. I talk about an X whom I was with for 10 years to my husband a lot. Same situation as like the flower incident. I bring up things we did similar or places we went together. And my husband talks about his X's. It doesn't phase either one of us because we know they are a part of our past histories and meant a lot to us. I wish you well and hope this can be resolved for you. =^-^=
Author GreenEyedGirl28 Posted February 11, 2009 Author Posted February 11, 2009 Thanks for the advice, everyone. The day I wrote the post, I didn't go home that night. I didn't go home the next night either. I needed some time to cool off. In those two days, I had several conversations with my husband. He stressed that he was sorry that he had hurt me, numerous times, and that he would work hard not to make me upset in the future. However, he also stressed that he would not end his friendship with his ex because of my "insecurities." I wasn't immediately able to accept this and I needed some time to think about my options. I'm not ready to give him an ultimatum-- her or me-- because I want my marriage to work. I just don't want to live in the shadow of another woman, and that's how I feel. I eventually decided to go home and try to work through things-- at this point, he's apologized for what he's done, and has claimed that he will not do the things that are making me upset. What else can he do, to immediately make things right between us? I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and so far, so good. I believe that even though I'm jealous by nature, I can live with him maintaining a casual friendship with this woman as long as I don't feel like she's coming between us, as she has continuously done in the past, because of his actions. It is his job to set these boundaries and assure that he puts his wife first. He certainly has the right to have female friends as I have the right to have male friends. I just want to be certain that the emotional involvement is appropriate. On a very positive note, my husband has agreed to go to counseling to work through, these and other issues.
Author GreenEyedGirl28 Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Oh, and I did know that this was an issue before we got married-- Of course I wasn't completely blindsided with it after we got married. I never thought that getting married would change everything between us, but for some reason, I think I believed that it would make me his number one priority... I know, it sounds silly. But he had lots of girlfriends before me, and I am his only wife...To ME, that means something. The Ex was always a source of tension between us and we had fought over her plenty of times before we got married (and plenty of times since then!) but there just seemed to be so many things that have happened in a row lately that it bothered me much more than usual. Things really escalated... Hope this makes sense.
Geishawhelk Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 He needs counselling because he's addicted to the fact that he IS to all intents and purposes, her carer. He has assumed the responsibility of being a support mechanism for her, without all the legal obligation marriage entails. He said they separated precisely because he didn't want this to happen. But he's engineered it to happen, anyway. And now, he 'needs' her, as much as she 'needs' him. It's become a co-dependent situation.
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