Blackened Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I posted a thread here a few days ago about my Husband's lack of comunication and lack of sex drive. The idea that he could be cheating entered my mind before... But since posting that I've been thinking about it a lot more. We work different hours. I work during the day, he works at night. I can't have my phone at my desk at work, but I check it at breaks and stuff. He texts me almost dail, sweet thing "I love you." "I miss you." "I'm thinking about you." etc... Every night when he gets home from work we talk about how our days went, etc... You guys might wonder where the comunication problem is. It's ony when we have a disagreement. And his not wanting sex lately... and blaming it on his family problems. It all has me worried. Through the day when he's home and I'm at work he could do whatever he wants and I would have no way of knowing. But, on the other end of things, I could also be doing whatever I want at night and he wouldn't know. I'm not, but I could be, I'm just saying. Now I'm starting to worry that he might be fooling around. I don't know. I just get the feeling something isn't right lately. Should I just come out and ask him? I know he'll say no, but if he's lying I'll be able to tell. He's a terrible liar. I feel sick. I'm sitting here about to cry. I'm all by myself. Don't know what to do.
JennaGennaro Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 If he is sending you cute little text messages, I wouldn't think he has someone on the side. And he could very well be telling you the truth that his family problems and other stressors are killing his libido. I know when my husband is stressed and when he is not. It is hard for most men to perform sexually when stressed and maybe he doesn't want to go through the embarrassment. I don't think there would be any harm in discussing your intimacy problems with him and asking if there were someone else, but I would use care in how you asked - more out of concern than accusation. JMO.
JennaGennaro Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Blackened, I just read part of your other post from another day. You mentioned that your husband can talk to strangers and others but not to you. What is it like when the two of you are in public together? Does he act like nothing is wrong? If so, he could be going through depression. My father acts like nothing is wrong and acts like the happiest guy in the world - that is until he comes home and then barely says two words to my mother. Through no fault of her own, his therapist says that is his way of coping, in that he has put up this facade and can be himself around her. I know I am not explaining it the right way, but it makes sense if you think about it. When he is in his own home with just her, he can go into the "cave" mode and be by himself. If stress is really getting to your husband I would think about the possibility of depression and then seeing if there is anything you can do to make things easier for him. Maybe he needs to decompress when he gets home (cave time). Also, I think it is GREAT that you quit smoking!!!
Author Blackened Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Actually, he does act all happy and outgoing out in public. I didn't even think of that. What could I try to make it easier on him? I was reading in another thread where someone was having simalar problems in the sex department. Someone said maybe he's depressed and doesn't want sex because depression can cause problems, down there, and maybe he doesn't want to be embarassed. That might be the case also, considering that when we have had sex (two times in the last three months) the passed two times he hasn't been able to finish. I was on the verge of blaming myself for a while... Is it how I look? Is it that he's mad at me about something and won't tell me (like the smoking thing...) We are also both into S&M. When we got together we had both been in vanilla relationsips before. So when we got together we just went crazy in the bedroom. We tried all kinds of freaky kinky stuff. He has expressed in the passed (A while back) that as fun as that stuff is, he doesn't want to do that as much with me anymore because he respects me and wants to make love to me... problem is he can rarely get off without the kink. Plain vanilla sex just doesn't turn him on, he says. I don't care which way he prefers it. S&M is fun, but vanilla is fun for me too. I don't have a need for one way or the other. Right now as I'm typing this he and I are texting. I hurt my foot last week working out and he texted me asking how it was feeling. I told him it still hurt. He wrote back and said "Aww, I'm sorry baby, I love you." How could I possibly think this man is cheating??? We've had trust issues. And also, I've taken this problem to different people, and cheating is the conclusion they all jump too. He's cheated in the passed, not on me, on a girlfriend a long time ago. He was 21 at the time. Now he's 34. That was a long time ago. He's grown up a lot since then. ... Blackened, I just read part of your other post from another day. You mentioned that your husband can talk to strangers and others but not to you. What is it like when the two of you are in public together? Does he act like nothing is wrong? If so, he could be going through depression. My father acts like nothing is wrong and acts like the happiest guy in the world - that is until he comes home and then barely says two words to my mother. Through no fault of her own, his therapist says that is his way of coping, in that he has put up this facade and can be himself around her. I know I am not explaining it the right way, but it makes sense if you think about it. When he is in his own home with just her, he can go into the "cave" mode and be by himself. If stress is really getting to your husband I would think about the possibility of depression and then seeing if there is anything you can do to make things easier for him. Maybe he needs to decompress when he gets home (cave time). Also, I think it is GREAT that you quit smoking!!!
JennaGennaro Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 As for everyone jumping to the cheating conclusion, I think it is natural these days (unfortunately). It seems if there is lack of sex - well it has to be because he/she is sleeping with someone else. But I try to read a person's entire post. I like to be like a detective and am a stickler for the details. You mentioned the stress, and it just reminds me of my dad. Sometimes you think stress isn't all that bad, but you would be surprised what it does to a person. My husband has Type 1 diabetes and when he is stressed, his blood sugar is all out of whack and leads him close to having a seizure, not to mention he doesn't sleep and is more suseptible to colds. Bottom line, stress affects each person differently. As for what you can do to help him. That is a tough one. I am hoping that some of the regulars will come on and offer you some good, solid advice. I only know what my mother has tried, but my dad is clinically depressed (many years) and the seasons really make it worse. Hopefully your husband's is just because of what he is dealing with now. The only advice I can offer is to be patient with him. Listen to him, but don't pester him. If he needs his alone time when he comes home, let him have it. Don't go on and on about what happened in your day. I'm not saying that is what you do, but I'm just putting it out there. But if he sends you cute text messages, I think you are not as bad off as you think. He still thinks about you throughout the day. I know when my dad is not doing well because he won't send me e-mails as often, and when he does they are so short. I know he just doesn't want to communicate. I would just continue to do things that show you care about him and that he knows you are there for him. You are kind of like is rock, his support, after a long day of putting on a front for everyone else. Just let him be himself around you, even if that means just sitting together and watching TV quietly. It isn't easy, I know because I have heard my mom's suffering. At first she thought it was something she was doing, so she dived into self-help books and noticed a short-term change, but when you change and the other doesn't, it is frustrating and doesn't make you want to continue. As for the sex. That one is tough (again hoping someone will give you some real good advice). I would just try cuddling and stuff like that. You said you like the kinky stuff, so watch a kinky movie together. If he is on medications, they can interfere with the libido. My husband takes things for cholesterol and thyroid and I know they lessen the want for sex. And antidepressants are known to do the same, although there is one that supposedly does not. I don't know what your communication level is with your husband, but hopefully you can talk about it somehow. Maybe his employer has one of those programs where he could speak to a counselor or maybe you could speak to one yourself to help you cope. I really wish I had more for you.
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