Reggie Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I agree. By the time it gets to the point of cheating, it is over. I had no interest in playing detective, getting apologies, parenting my XW and monitoring her behavior. If she had shown remorse, it would have only clouded my decision momentarily. Exposure does serve a valid purpose ,though, even if one has no desire to reconcile. It preserves one's reputation, as the Ws is often intent on justifying their departure by villifying the BS. Once folks learn of the abuse and the cheating, assuming they believe you(which, not surprisingly since they know my XW's character, my X's family did) you get a lot of needed support. I think it is best to let folks , including kids, know what has gone on regardless of whether one divorces or stays together.
soserious1 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I agree. By the time it gets to the point of cheating, it is over. I had no interest in playing detective, getting apologies, parenting my XW and monitoring her behavior. If she had shown remorse, it would have only clouded my decision momentarily. Exposure does serve a valid purpose ,though, even if one has no desire to reconcile. It preserves one's reputation, as the Ws is often intent on justifying their departure by villifying the BS. Once folks learn of the abuse and the cheating, assuming they believe you(which, not surprisingly since they know my XW's character, my X's family did) you get a lot of needed support. I think it is best to let folks , including kids, know what has gone on regardless of whether one divorces or stays together. Reggie, All I've told anybody is that we had differences that weren't reconcilable. I'm a very private woman, the thought of walking around telling people that my husband found cruising craig's list to be a lot more appealing than having sex with me is not something I'd ever in a million years consider doing. The divorce was just the formal end of a marriage that had been over for ages, no need for me to lower myself by airing the dirty laundry.
Author husbandwhattodo Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Thanks for all your responses so quickly. It really helps to read all different opinions and take away from it what I think is the right thing to do right now. We didn't had time to discuss her email in dept yesterday, it basically ended up in her being frustrated when i told her I don't agree with seeing the OM for a few days. I have talked this morning to her mom and stepdad and best friend and explained how I felt. And I think they where not up to date about how serious this is and how f%#@ up she is currently in her head. I also discovered she continues to contact him by IM and email and phone for long period of times. This afternoon she came home and told me that she is angry because I blocked her phone for the guys nr. As I knew they would use another phone, there is no reason to keep it blocked as it will drive us coming days more apart. I made a counsil call last night and got a referral so we are going to MC hopefully this week. But I don't have a lot of hopes that she wants to work on our relationship to keep the family together, its my son 4 and daughter 2 in our case. I just want to fight for it and hopefully her familly,friends and the counselor can talk some sense in her that she needs to break up right now with the OM if she really wants to work on our marriage. I also wrote a long email which I am planning to sent today to discuss with her in which I expressed my feelings and the boundary that I want to do everything to make this working but that seeing him is the limit? And if she crosses that limit basically pops the balloon and our marriage will be over. As I am foreigner I don't know a lot about Divorse legal matters, but i think I would needs some advice on this of what the steps and consequences would be involved in this. My Manager just got divorced a couple months ago, I might talk with her to see how she dealt with this, her husband cheated. We just bought a new house a couple months ago, sold hers and used that money as downpayment, I work fulltime have a good job ,she parttime and kids go to daycare and nanny 3 days a week. I feel this is going to be a financial disaster for both of us as well as the emotional consequences for my young kids, if she doesn't want to work on our marriage. Is there anywhere I could get some free legal advice? or some internet resources on that topic? It is not that I want to go that way, but I think I would have to be prepared for the worse if her reaction to my letter is going to be negative and she is going to pursue to see him. I feel this is affecting me so much, I can't eat, sleap and concentrate at my work, something needs to happen quickly so I am betting on the counsiling, even if it is for myself right now to deal with this.
stampdaddy Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Sure, here is some absolutely FREE advice. DIVORCE HER! I am not one that just comes out and says that.. I believe that ALOT of things can be overcome, but not this one my friend. This is so messed up, I can't even come up with words.. FIRST, "allow" her to go on her little play date. THEN, Go to an attorney, have hime draw up ALL of the papers, starting with what is called a "Marital Settlement Agreement", which pretty much starts the divorce with a plan. Explain the reason for the divorce is that your wife has left the house, the husband and the children to pursue another man. He will advise the rest, but this is a MUST. Do not spend another flippin' second trying to wallow in pity and the loss of a love. Someone who acts like she is DOES NOT LOVE YOU. There is no love in those actions. EVVERYBODY ELSE will echo what I am saying to you. Watch, and take that as more FREE advice, but GOOD advice as well
Mr. Lucky Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Is there anywhere I could get some free legal advice? or some internet resources on that topic? Free legal advice is worth exactly what you pay for it. Spend the money and consult with an attorney that specializes in divorce and family matters. There are even those that specialize in the husband's situation. Having asset and child issues, there is no better investment that you could make right now... Mr. Lucky
Reggie Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Reggie, All I've told anybody is that we had differences that weren't reconcilable. I'm a very private woman, the thought of walking around telling people that my husband found cruising craig's list to be a lot more appealing than having sex with me is not something I'd ever in a million years consider doing. The divorce was just the formal end of a marriage that had been over for ages, no need for me to lower myself by airing the dirty laundry. In my case, So, it worked out well. Of course, her family already knew she was disordered and , actually, was sick of her crap for a long time. I felt absolutely no embarrassment about telling folks of the things I'd been subjected to , the cold water dousings, they lying, the check bouncing, the stealing the kids' tuition money. In reality, I was done long before I found out about the cheating and it was a gift to me. It was just such tangible evidence of further abuse and counteracted the smear campaign she waged. It bit her right in the ass. HAd she gone quietly and not tried to blame ne for everything wrong in the marriage, I might have done as you did, So, and let it slide. But, my reputation and my relationship with her father and brothers meant to much to me to skulk off.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Again, you have to close joint accounts. You get rid of all joint credit cards. and then you file for divorce. It doesn't mean you get a divorce, but this keeps her from putting you in debt with anything she does from this day forward. You are the provider. You set up an account for her and an account for you. She will scream bloody murder but tell her that you are that serious about stopping her from buying plane tickets or screwing him without you doing everything possible to stop her. You tell her that if she goes to see him you will stop making the payment on the house. You don't care about your credit or her credit. If this marriage is destroyed by her, she will lose everything. At this point she is a lying, cheating adulterous wife, who is trying to cuckold you with this other guy. This way you will be able to hold the house over her head. She will not want to jeopardize that for a screw.
reservoirdog1 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I told her I want to go in counseling right away but she said yesterday she didn't as she first need to find out if she really has more feeling for that guy. She basically said I want to be with him for a couple of days to find out, if its just a fantasy or if its true feelings I have for him. You'd be absolutely insane to allow something like that. The guy lives hours away. She needs to cut off all contact with him immediately, and commit to the relationship. If you give ground on this, she will walk all over you, more than she already has. She needs an ultimatum. You have to tell her that she can have him in her life, or you. NOT both. Give her 24 hours to decide. And if she says she's choosing him, or if she doesn't make a choice, call a lawyer THAT DAY, and tell her when you've done it. This doesn't mean that you're on an irreversible path towards divorce. But she does need a good solid dose of "shock and awe". She needs to be shown, full in her face, that you're serious and that you're not f*cking around with this. She is about to take the lives of you and two innocent children and turn them completely upside down because she got warm tinglies in her pants from some guy she hasn't seen in years. So suddenly the commitment she made to you, and the vows she swore, take a back seat? No. F*ck that noise. If you've let it go this far, she probably thinks she has a pretty good read on you: you'll let her have her way on this, at least partway. By being strong and firm right now and not giving her any more leeway on this, you'll surprise the hell out of her. Which, I might add, will increase her level of respect for you. Which is sorely lacking right now. This far. NO farther. Stay strong, buddy.
seibert253 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 You'd be absolutely insane to allow something like that. The guy lives hours away. She needs to cut off all contact with him immediately, and commit to the relationship. If you give ground on this, she will walk all over you, more than she already has. She needs an ultimatum. You have to tell her that she can have him in her life, or you. NOT both. Give her 24 hours to decide. And if she says she's choosing him, or if she doesn't make a choice, call a lawyer THAT DAY, and tell her when you've done it. This doesn't mean that you're on an irreversible path towards divorce. But she does need a good solid dose of "shock and awe". She needs to be shown, full in her face, that you're serious and that you're not f*cking around with this. She is about to take the lives of you and two innocent children and turn them completely upside down because she got warm tinglies in her pants from some guy she hasn't seen in years. So suddenly the commitment she made to you, and the vows she swore, take a back seat? No. F*ck that noise. If you've let it go this far, she probably thinks she has a pretty good read on you: you'll let her have her way on this, at least partway. By being strong and firm right now and not giving her any more leeway on this, you'll surprise the hell out of her. Which, I might add, will increase her level of respect for you. Which is sorely lacking right now. This far. NO farther. Stay strong, buddy. Best I've read so far. Right on the money. If you let her treat you like a doormat, then that's what you are and that's what you will be if you keep her. If I were you, she'd already be out the door.
Author husbandwhattodo Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Well this afternoon we will go to a marriage councilor and last night she did tell me she told the OM she doesn't want to see him right now... So that gives me some hope she wants to work on the relationship, we will have to see this afternoon how it goes. If she doesn't I probably will take some steps as advised to go to an attorney to understand the rights and (financial) impacts of a divorce.
Trimmer Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Well this afternoon we will go to a marriage councilor and last night she did tell me she told the OM she doesn't want to see him right now... Right now? Bzzzzzt! I'm sorry, but the correct answer should have been "...ever again." Whatever points she gets for honesty are quickly taken back by her continuing disrespect toward you and your marriage. Again, at least she is telling you how she really feels - and that is some kind of a gift, I suppose - but she's telling you very clearly that she's still keeping him as an option. Listen to what she's telling you, and don't fool yourself as to what it means. So that gives me some hope she wants to work on the relationship, we will have to see this afternoon how it goes. If she doesn't I probably will take some steps as advised to go to an attorney to understand the rights and (financial) impacts of a divorce. I'll be interested to see if she "agrees to" work on the relationship, or if she really "wants to" work on it. One notable difference would probably be that if she really wants to work on it, she won't be telling the OM "not right now," but she'd tell him "goodbye; not ever." Put it this way, if she's telling him "not right now" then that probably reflects how she feels about the marriage, too, doesn't it?
stampdaddy Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Hey, listen up! When you go to counselling tonight, my advice is this. TAKE YOUR BALLS WITH YOU.... "Hi, my name is Carol, and what brings you here to marriage counseeling today?" YOU: well, my WIFE and I have a small little issue that we would like to discuss with a trained professional (or a monkey, because the reponse would be the same), MY WIFE WANTS TO GO ON A PLAY DATE WITH ANOTHER MAN... and then sit back and do not say another word... Don't snivvle (is that a word?), don't cry, just be a man/father/husband and stand up for yourself and your children. If you hear the words from your wife that she wants to test the waters in front of a counsellor, then calmly get up from your seat, ask the counsellor for another session to "work on a divorce" and leave...
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Well this afternoon we will go to a marriage councilor and last night she did tell me she told the OM she doesn't want to see him right now... So that gives me some hope she wants to work on the relationship, we will have to see this afternoon how it goes. If she doesn't I probably will take some steps as advised to go to an attorney to understand the rights and (financial) impacts of a divorce. She doesn't want to see him right now? What a skeeze! Hit that attorney up no matter what she does! Don't waste your life with someone who refuses to love you.
carhill Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Beware of the woman who gives just enough ground to preserve the status quo. Watch out for that. Some of the recent verbiage struck me that way. Your W has to *want* to work on the marriage and her actions have to support her words. Any other choice is one day closer to an amicable (or not so amicable) property and custody settlement. I think, if you go into this with a positive attitude, that being to preserve the health and well-being of yourself and your family, rather than strictly to punish your wife, you'll be well served. Karma will work for you. Be mindful of that
Maladjusted Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Hey, listen up! When you go to counselling tonight, my advice is this. TAKE YOUR BALLS WITH YOU.... This is so true I actually started laughing when I read it. I completely agree. Man up and tell the counselor everything. I know you are probably afraid that you will say the wrong thing and it will jeopardize your marriage, but realisitically it is already jeopardized. I'd tell the counselor everything she told you about "seeing this man to see if she has feelings for him" What a load of crap. What's the excuse next time? "Well, I'm still not sure so I need to take another trip".
reservoirdog1 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 and last night she did tell me she told the OM she doesn't want to see him right now... I agree with everybody else, that "right now" bullshyt is a HUGE red flag. But anyway... you only know this because she told you. Right now, everything she tells you is suspect. Ask her how she told him (phone, email, etc.), and what she said. If it was email, tell her you want to see it. (If she says she deleted it, I'd call bullshyt on her.) If it was phone, tell her you want the number and how long the call lasted. Confirm this information at your earliest opportunity. Then, watch the phone records to see if she continues contact with him. Install a keylogger on the computer (google it to see what I mean), and don't tell her about it. All this probably sounds sneaky or underhanded. But the reality is this: you and she have a marriage, which is probably the most important commitment you can make to another human being. That marriage is in jeopardy. You have the right to do whatever is necessary (and legal) to protect and preserve it. You need to be acting on as much information as possible. And the scraps she's throwing you basically amount to NO information. She may well object to this or say that you're snooping or invading her privacy or something else. This is an absolutely textbook response from a cheater. If she has nothing to hide, she should agree to this willingly. Tell her that she has broken your trust, and that it's no longer freely given. She has to earn it. And the best way for her to do that is to demonstrate a consistently verifiable pattern of behaviour and to show that her words and her actions are consistent with each other. She has a lot of work to do if this marriage is to survive. Don't let her get away with complacency. And if she leaves because you do the above, she was going to leave anyway. Better you find out now, rather than later.
seibert253 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Hey, listen up! When you go to counselling tonight, my advice is this. TAKE YOUR BALLS WITH YOU.... "Hi, my name is Carol, and what brings you here to marriage counseeling today?" YOU: well, my WIFE and I have a small little issue that we would like to discuss with a trained professional (or a monkey, because the reponse would be the same), MY WIFE WANTS TO GO ON A PLAY DATE WITH ANOTHER MAN... and then sit back and do not say another word... Don't snivvle (is that a word?), don't cry, just be a man/father/husband and stand up for yourself and your children. If you hear the words from your wife that she wants to test the waters in front of a counsellor, then calmly get up from your seat, ask the counsellor for another session to "work on a divorce" and leave... Right on the money!. Your wife called the OM and said she can't see him RIGHT NOW. WTF is this. NO, UNACCEPTABLE! If she loved and respected you as a Husband and a man, her responce should have been "it's over, don't call me anymore". Dude, she's stringing you along in case this other guy is not what she excpected. Then she can come back until another guy comes along. Man she's playing you. I hope you soon realize this soon.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 There is nothing to work on with regards to this marriage with a pitiful excuse of a woman like your wife. I concur with the others. Get rid of her, file for divorce, and start living. Make the choice for her and put her on the street. Tell her to go test the waters with the OM permanently.
JustBreathe Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Why are you even doing counseling, Whattodo? She is not ready for counseling if she is not willing to give up her lover completely. It will be a waste of time. She's not into her marriage right now so why waste your money. Better for you to get individual counseling to figure out why it is you are putting up with her abusive behavior. It's killing you inside.
Kenyth Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Again, you have to close joint accounts. You get rid of all joint credit cards. and then you file for divorce. It doesn't mean you get a divorce, but this keeps her from putting you in debt with anything she does from this day forward. You are the provider. You set up an account for her and an account for you. She will scream bloody murder but tell her that you are that serious about stopping her from buying plane tickets or screwing him without you doing everything possible to stop her. You tell her that if she goes to see him you will stop making the payment on the house. You don't care about your credit or her credit. If this marriage is destroyed by her, she will lose everything. At this point she is a lying, cheating adulterous wife, who is trying to cuckold you with this other guy. This way you will be able to hold the house over her head. She will not want to jeopardize that for a screw. Listen to this sage advice if nothing else. When it's all said and done, the crying is all over, and new starts made, the banks will still want their money. They will get it from whomever they legally can. This kind of pain goes on long after the heart has healed. You want to be as far removed from any of her financials as possible at this point, for your own protection. She don't like it? Waaaahhh! Give her a tissue. You don't like much what she's doing either, so your sympathies should be minimal.
Kenyth Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Why are you even doing counseling, Whattodo? She is not ready for counseling if she is not willing to give up her lover completely. It will be a waste of time. She's not into her marriage right now so why waste your money. Better for you to get individual counseling to figure out why it is you are putting up with her abusive behavior. It's killing you inside. The #2 sage advice you should listen to. They wrote a childrens tale about situations like this called Humpty Dumpty.
vnqsh2001 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Well this afternoon we will go to a marriage councilor and last night she did tell me she told the OM she doesn't want to see him right now... So that gives me some hope she wants to work on the relationship, we will have to see this afternoon how it goes. If she doesn't I probably will take some steps as advised to go to an attorney to understand the rights and (financial) impacts of a divorce. I agree with the other posters that surmised the physical affair has already begun. If you were the one in her position, do you think it would be plausible that you didn't have sex with the other person? Would you even expect her to believe you? Why should you consider her differently than you (or countless others)? Is she really so irreproachable? It doesn't sound like it. People (especially women) are notorious for downplaying the actual events in an affair, especially to their spouses. I know it's going to be hard for you to do, but you should start accepting the cold hard reality of your situation as soon as possible before you go any further. She is most likely having sex with this guy. What is it she wants to see from this point? She probably just wants to see if it's going to blossom into a reliable relationship or if it was just sexual passion. She is using you for security while waiting to see if the guy offers her any hope for a real relationship. If he doesn't offer her anything better than a casual fling, she wants you there to catch her as she falls. You are being played and she is just stringing you along by offering you hope. She's manipulating you. Has she stopped having sex with you suddenly? That's a sure sign she's been getting it somewhere else. I'm sure there are other signs you could look for to discover the truth for yourself.
stampdaddy Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Hey pal, how did the counseling go? I am assuming by the lack of an update, not so good?? Hope you and your children are OK....
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Well this afternoon we will go to a marriage councilor and last night she did tell me she told the OM she doesn't want to see him right now... So that gives me some hope she wants to work on the relationship, we will have to see this afternoon how it goes. If she doesn't I probably will take some steps as advised to go to an attorney to understand the rights and (financial) impacts of a divorce. "she doesn't want to see him RIGHT now". Nice semantics. There is only one problem. It is no longer "RIGHT now". That has now become "back then". Do you think that she is going to come up to you and say "OK, right now is now back then. I am going to see him now. Because it is no longer "Right now". Drop down to the thread Cheating and success of making them quit by loving them back? and read it. And listen to the voices of experience. Your wife did sleep with this guy. But you refuse to believe it. She has already had sex with him and was going to go and get some more. The other reason she wanted to go is to check out his living arrangements to see if there is a place for the kids to stay. She will go to a couple of MCs and then she will meet him again. Of course without you knowing. They will have sex and plan their life together. She is pulling the strings. At least get a court order that keeps her from taking the kids. jeessh
stampdaddy Posted February 2, 2009 Posted February 2, 2009 how you hanging?? Give us an update if you could be so kind... Thanks!
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