husbandwhattodo Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I discovered this weekend that my wife was texting, chatting online and phoning in the past 3 weeks every day like hunderd times with this high school old boy friend. She went for a drink with him a couple weeks ago on a business trip and this weekend she told me they kissed that night. I don't know if anything else happened, she says nothing happened but I don't know if I can still trust her. We are married for 4 years now and have 2 beautiful kids. I am devastated to think about the fact we would separate/divorce as I still love her very much. She says she doesn't know she loves me anymore and says she has very strong feelings for the other guy. Our relationship has not been that great lately and we kind of took each other for granted. I guess she has been looking for something she was missing in our relationship/me like talking and communicating and found this over the past months with that other guy. For me this weekend has just been one roller coaster of emotions and I am trying to safe my marriage but I am afraid its almost to late. I told her I want to go in counseling right away but she said yesterday she didn't as she first need to find out if she really has more feeling for that guy. She basically said I want to be with him for a couple of days to find out, if its just a fantasy or if its true feelings I have for him. Hearing that that just hurted me even more. I was so mad I blocked his phone number so they can't call or sms anymore. But I guess they still can IM and email which she did with him for an hour last night while I was in bed. I feel empty inside, feel devastated and don't know what to do? I want to fight for our relationship and marriage and keep us together with our children of 4 and 2 years old. Today she emailed me she wants to start counciling with me, so at least that is positive but she also still wants to see for a few days the other guy, which is like 4 hours flight away to see if her feelings for him are true or not. She says without seeing him she can't move on and feels stuck right now. I feel like If I agree to this, I sent her to something which turns out to be disastrous for our marriage and it will hurt me even more and I don't know if I can trust her not taking it further then just seeing him if she spends some nights at his house. I feel like she is selfish as she knows I won't go away so I am kind of her backup if it isn't going to be anything when she sees the guy. If I don't agree to her seeing him, I am stuck with her feelings for him in her head and those might not go away if they still have daily contact and talk with each other. And that fact might not help our counciling sessions at all. What should I do, get hurt and let her go to him to figure out if she really feels for him or completely disagree and be stuck with my wife who has feelings for someone else and doesn't love me right now going in counceling. Please advice?
stampdaddy Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 well, all I can say is that you 2 have a Marriage. And in a Marriage, one spouse does not have the damn right to "ask permission" from the other spouse to on a play date with someone else. PERIOD. Your kids will be fine if you 2 divorce (I know that is NOT what you want), but GEEZ O PETE!! How in this world could you EVER live with the fact that "if" she went and then came back and said, "No, the guy was weird, or he wasnt so good in the sack, so I will stay with you..." WTF?? I dont want to come across too harsh to you my friend as I know you are hurting beyond words, but SLAP!!!!! This is one of the saddest, but most ridiculous stories I have ever heard... She is your wife, and you are her husband, AND you have 2 beautiful children... She does NOT have the dang right to ask this of you, so your answer should be: 1)no flippin way, counselling with me for OUR family's sake or 2) SURE, sweetheart, but take ALL of your sh*t with you and me and the kids will be just fine. Good luck and POST to us (be honest all of the way though)
Reggie Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Here's the deal. First, you cannot control your a-hole wife's behavior. She's an idiot and very broken. She's cruel and callous, not a good person. So, you can't stop this bimbo from seeing this guy. But, you can do things that keep you from subsidizing her infidelity and you definitley do not want to shield her from the consequences. Don't let her have access to any of the family's funds, if you can stop her. Freeze the bank account and cancel any credit cards you jointly use. Do not offer to watch the kids while she goes. Make it clear that you are not going to hold down the fort if she goes. Broadcast this cheating far and wide, especially to her family and mutual friends. Tell your own family about the cheating, as well. Lean on your friends for support. Broadcasting this and cutting off her access to family funds will piss her off like you will not believe. Don't take the bait when she goes ballistic and starts attacking you. Virtually all cheaters go nuts when they encounter resistance and face the opinions of others. You may well be told that now you've gone and done it.She'll calim that before you went public and cut her off, she might have been willing to consider reconciling. This is complete BS and almost a script these folks all spout. Again, just stay calm, as calm as possible, and do not budge. Say non-commital things like" sorry you feel that way" or "yes, you seem quite pissed" etc. But, under no circumstances engage her in debate about who is responsible for her cheating or the potential demise of the marriage. You may hear every single deficiency she claims you have magnified to the point of absurdity. She is desperate to justify her affair and will make **** up or dredge **** up from the distant past. Again, don't debate. Just tell her that if she wants to discuss marital problems, she can agree to counseling. NEVER get into a debate with these nuts when they are being ruled by their limbic systems. Broadcast this far and wide. Get support for yourself from friends and family. Get your finances prtoected. See a lawyer asap. Never leave the home if things get bad. Let her leave and the kids stay with you. Your wife is acting like a complete a-hole, a cruel, immature, abusive jerk.
carhill Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Advice? Yes, tell her that MC is predicated on her ending her "interest" in this old boyfriend, along with full disclosure within MC. If she chooses to go see him, keep the kids at home, change the locks and advise her she's not to return, since she made the choice to leave the marital union. She "abandoned" the family. Courts don't like that Worst case get legal advice and engage an IC to help you and the kids deal with this life change. That's plan B. See the marriagebuilders site for Plan A.
Bryanp Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 You can't be serious. Do you honestly think if the roles were reversed that your wife would allow you to fly out for the weekend to meet with the woman you cheated with? How totally idiotic and disrespectful to you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I would suggest that you contact an attorney to understand your options. I would inform your wife that you are seeing an attorney and also tell her that if she leaves do not bother coming back. The chances are pretty good that she didn't just kiss him when they were on their previous trip. A wife does not throw away her marriage and desperately wishes to fly out to meet again unless they were heavily sexually involved. I think you should insist that she be tested for STD's. I am sorry to say that she is treating you like a complete fool. What nerve to tell you she plans to fly out to meet him again to understand her feelings. This is a code word to continue to have sex with him. Her request is absolutely degrading to you. Please see an attorney. She is showing no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? One more time: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Good luck.
mark982 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 i agree w/ carhill, except i'd buy her a plane ticket. by the time she gets there have all accts frozen or moved, cancel her return flight. you wanna go biotch--- you go! reach down between your legs and grap a pair.
Meaplus3 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I think MC would be the best place for the two of you to start. In most cases when one partner strays it's often because something was lacking in the marriage. A good MC should be able to help the two of you figure this out. As for the other guy, I don't think it's right for your wife to see him. She needs to stay away from him and fully commit to making the marriage work. I wish you the best of luck. Don't lose hope. Mea:)
Trimmer Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I agree with the previous posts. There are a couple of points here worth repeating: #1 You probably feel like doing anything to "get her back", and she is using this as leverage to get you to expand your marital boundaries to allow her to go off on this play date with the Other Man (OM). There should be some things you WILL NOT DO to get her back, and this is one of them. #2 You may feel - and she may accuse you - that if you establish this boundary ("if you go, don't come back") that it will somehow be "your fault" if the marriage then fails. This is NOT TRUE. The idea that a spouse may not go outside the marriage to pursue romantic partnership, is a BEDROCK principle of marriage. And for her to hold the marriage itself hostage while she pursues a relationship that may cause her to TERMINATE the marriage is the absolute ultimate in disrespect, to you, the marriage, and the family. The boundary is totally reasonable and appropriate. If she choses to cross it, then she has chosen to break the marriage. Do not give in on this boundary, and do not feel like you caused the end of the marriage or her straying. Now, it has been suggested that when someone strays it is often "because" something was lacking in the marriage. I get the point - and there is a valuable concept at the root here - but I have to respond to thisspecific wording, and the implication it creates. When something is lacking in a marriage, it can often be traced to contributions by both parties. Getting both parties (so yes, this includes you) to admit to and address their individual contributions to the problems is a necessary and important part of healing a marriage if it is to survive in the long run. But, this DOES NOT mean that she cheated "because of" you or your failure to meet her expectations within the marraige, or even "because" there were problems in the marriage in general. There are perfectly honorable ways to address these deficits in a marriage, including honest communication, counseling with third-parties, and eventually divorce, which while painful, can at least be done honorably if a marriage cannot be mended. When someone strays, they do it "because" they lack the courage, strength, or honor to either work on fixing things or at least leave with head held high. In time, it will indeed be important for you to address your contributions to the state of the marriage, but in the immediate, emergency situation you are currently faced with, the issue of her going off to play with her old friend does not hinge on "what you did", and was not "caused" by you. I think this is important, because we are strongly encouraging you to set a firm boundary here, and I don't want you to weaken and say "well, I haven't been the most attentive husband over the last year, so maybe I deserve this, and maybe I should let her go..." NO. Separate issues. IF she is truly willing to work on the marriage, and IF she cuts off contact with this old (and apparently new) boyfriend IMMEDIATELY, then you can come to the table and have an open discussion about your individual parts in the marriage, and then I will encourage you to consider how you have contributed to the marriage pathologies and problems, and to listen openly to her thoughts and needs. But once she pierces that boundary, she has chosen to put a pin through the latex and let all the air out - she has popped the balloon. That action is in her hands, and it's her responsibility.
Sands_of_time Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Here's the deal. First, you cannot control your a-hole wife's behavior. She's an idiot and very broken. She's cruel and callous, not a good person. So, you can't stop this bimbo from seeing this guy. But, you can do things that keep you from subsidizing her infidelity and you definitley do not want to shield her from the consequences. Don't let her have access to any of the family's funds, if you can stop her. Freeze the bank account and cancel any credit cards you jointly use. Do not offer to watch the kids while she goes. Make it clear that you are not going to hold down the fort if she goes. Broadcast this cheating far and wide, especially to her family and mutual friends. Tell your own family about the cheating, as well. Lean on your friends for support. Broadcasting this and cutting off her access to family funds will piss her off like you will not believe. Don't take the bait when she goes ballistic and starts attacking you. Virtually all cheaters go nuts when they encounter resistance and face the opinions of others. You may well be told that now you've gone and done it.She'll calim that before you went public and cut her off, she might have been willing to consider reconciling. This is complete BS and almost a script these folks all spout. Again, just stay calm, as calm as possible, and do not budge. Say non-commital things like" sorry you feel that way" or "yes, you seem quite pissed" etc. But, under no circumstances engage her in debate about who is responsible for her cheating or the potential demise of the marriage. You may hear every single deficiency she claims you have magnified to the point of absurdity. She is desperate to justify her affair and will make **** up or dredge **** up from the distant past. Again, don't debate. Just tell her that if she wants to discuss marital problems, she can agree to counseling. NEVER get into a debate with these nuts when they are being ruled by their limbic systems. Broadcast this far and wide. Get support for yourself from friends and family. Get your finances prtoected. See a lawyer asap. Never leave the home if things get bad. Let her leave and the kids stay with you. Your wife is acting like a complete a-hole, a cruel, immature, abusive jerk. Reggie--great post. OP--Reggie's hit it spot on (I couldn't have said it any better). Read and re-read his post. What a b*tch of a situation you are in. I feel for you brother and if I could reiterate anything, it's this: STAY CALM. You are going to want to lash out when she spews ridiculous venom at you. STAY CALM. STAY CALM. STAY CALM. Keep posting...
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 What you tell her is that she is not to contact him again. She is not to go and see if he still screws better then you. If she goes. Tell her she will comeback to you and the kids gone. And then you will let the courts figure it out. She has to know that this will cost her everything.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Reggie and Mark are right. Close the accounts.
seibert253 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 She's playing you and I can't believe you are actually contiplating letting YOUR wife go away to screw another man for a couple days so she can find herself or whatever. It's time to grow a pair and lay down the law. 1. Tell her No she is not going, but you physically cannot stop her. 2. Tell her if she goes in your mind she abandoning your marriage and her children. Advise her your marriage is over, because she has no respect for you or her family. 3. If she decides to go, before she leaves, visit an attorney and have seperation paperwork prepaired, to give her as a welcome home present. 4. While she's gone, close all financial accounts then open new ones in your name only. 5. Pack her things and place them into storage. 6. Change the locks on YOUR home. (she abandoned you and your children, she does not live there anymore) 7. Since she abandoned you and your family by leaving, get temporary custody of the children through the courts. It's hard, it's going to be painful, but it's time to take the gloves off and get a little pissed off. May I also suggest that you don't go through this alone. If you have a close friend, tell him what's going on, what your plans are, and ask him to help. He'll be there for you. Good luck to you and God Bless
Trimmer Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 She's playing you and I can't believe you are actually contiplating letting YOUR wife go away to screw another man for a couple days so she can find herself or whatever. It's time to grow a pair and lay down the law. 1. Tell her No she is not going, but you physically cannot stop her. 2. Tell her if she goes in your mind she abandoning your marriage and her children. Advise her your marriage is over, because she has no respect for you or her family. 3. If she decides to go, before she leaves, visit an attorney and have seperation paperwork prepaired, to give her as a welcome home present. 4. While she's gone, close all financial accounts then open new ones in your name only. 5. Pack her things and place them into storage. 6. Change the locks on YOUR home. (she abandoned you and your children, she does not live there anymore) 7. Since she abandoned you and your family by leaving, get temporary custody of the children through the courts. It's hard, it's going to be painful, but it's time to take the gloves off and get a little pissed off. May I also suggest that you don't go through this alone. If you have a close friend, tell him what's going on, what your plans are, and ask him to help. He'll be there for you. Good luck to you and God Bless I'm generally in agreement, but I would suggest that you consult with the same attorney in item #3 about the wisdom and limitations around items 4 and 6. While it's very emotionally satisfying to consider locking her out and taking all her money, and while you may be able to justify it yourself as a result of the horrible thing she's about to do, the courts of your land may not look at it the same way, and you don't want to do anything (out of emotion) that will compromise your ability to act forcefully and legally upon her return. I don't know, because I'm not a lawyer, but the courts might not look well on flatly denying her access to the family home (which may be community property) or family finances (which again, may be community property...) Again, I see the point, and this is all my inclination, too. I'm just saying, see a lawyer to be sure of what you CAN do without compromising your ability to act later. The whole point here is not to be dominated by emotion so it results in irrational behavior on your part; messing up a potential legal/family law case later with "bad behavior" that she can point to would be irrational. Keep calm.
pelicanpreacher Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I'd have to agree with Trimmer on this for "he who acts in anger rides a mad horse"! Your roiling emotions are best dealt with in counseling while your rational needs for protection of your rights are best handled through the guidance of a men's rights attorney. If you can compartmentalize your needs in this manner you'll hopefully emerge from this experience emotionally whole, financially undamaged, and capable of moving forward without regret, remorse, or delusions holding onto the comfort in a miserable past versus the daunting prospect of pursuing happiness in an unknown future.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I discovered this weekend that my wife was texting, chatting online and phoning in the past 3 weeks every day like hunderd times with this high school old boy friend. She went for a drink with him a couple weeks ago on a business trip and this weekend she told me they kissed that night. Unfortunately, my guess would be that the physical affair has already begun and that she has already slept with him. This would help explain her stated attachment to him and willingness to throw the OP under the bus regardless of the consequences. Husbandwhattodo, your marriage can recover from this but only if she'll work with you. Others have given you good advice here, time to draw a line in the sand. If she crosses it, you have your answer. I hope that your obvious hurt and anger give way to some thought about how to best protect yourself and your kids. I'd see a lawyer posthaste... Mr. Lucky
Owl Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I agree with Reggie's advice...I'd just like to give you some 'thoughts' in how to deploy it. When you go talk with the friends far and wide...the message that you want to give them is NOT that you're out to hurt her. If that IS your goal...call it a night, and file for divorce. Nope...the concept is called "exposure"...and the methodology behind it is pretty simple. Affairs are fun when they're kept secret...but if she has to deal with the real life fallout from it, it takes away the fun. When you talk with family and friends, make it clear that you're fighting to save your marriage. And that means that she needs to end the affair. Ask them to help you by talking with her, by making it clear that they don't approve of her actions. Ask for their help, don't ask them to gang up and attack her. But ask them NOT to support her choice to cheat, and to talk with her and get her to open her eyes and see what she's doing. Here's a great trick for dealing and an angry person...and a good deal for defusing your wife when she learns about the steps you've taken to end her affair. When the two of you start talking...let her rant. Let her go on...let her say WHATEVER she wants to say. When she stops...wait. Wait AT LEAST a five second gap (count it off in your head)...and then slowly, quietly, repeat the basis of what she's said back to her, to show that you heard and listened to her. THEN respond back with whatever your response is...but keep it slow, low, and quiet. The louder she gets...the quieter you get. If she starts screaming and yelling...put up with it for a short while. If she stops...then respond as I said above. Quietly...non-emotionally. Making it clear that you're NOT going to react by going ballistic on her. It takes all the air out of her sails...it's impossible to pick a fight with someone who responds this way. If she keeps going on like this...and you're reaching the limit of what you can take...let her pause...and tell her...QUIETLY...that you'll come back and talk with her when she's calmed down. And walk away...IGNORE anything she says until she starts acting like a human being again. Once she's calmed down...pick it up from there. As far as 'financing her affair'...Reggie's got it right. Tell her that you will NOT fund her choice to cheat...if she wants to "be" with this guy...she's completely and totally on her own. Cut off her finances. Let her see what life completely without you is really like. I'd also suggest one thing, that isn't always suggested by counselors, but proved effective in my case. Don't be her back up plan. Tell her that she's an adult...she can go "see if what they have is real"...but if she chooses to do so...that means that it is OVER between the two of you, and you will file for divorce the moment she leaves. NOW...THAT ONLY WORKS IF YOU MEAN IT. I made that clear to my wife...who was in a VERY similar situation to what you've described. If she left to be with him...there was no coming home. It was OVER between us. And that means over in EVERY sense of the word. I would file for divorce...and all I would feel for her was hatred and disgust. No friendship, no safety net for her to fall back on if it failed with OM...she'd be on her own, with NOTHING from me at all. It's something to consider...my wife never truly understood that until she faced it for real. It's something you might consider in your own situation. I'd suggest you take a look at a book..."Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley. You might also take a look at the marriagebuilders.come website...especially their free stuff there. But avoid the forum. Last thought...this is going to be the roughest thing you've ever dealt with. Follow up with the rest of Reggie's advice. Get a support structure in place...family, friends, etc....
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Owl, reggie and the others are right. They have been there, done that. If you think you can love her out of wanting to screw this guy, you are sadly mistaken. You must do everything possible to stop her short of physically restraining her. You should call up her mom and dad. And ask them " Could you please speak with you daughter. She wants to go and screw this guy and destroy her marriage and her family. Could you tell her that I am completely serious about leaving if she does this. I want you to know, so she won't try to snow you about this. Your grand childrens happiness and future is at stake. And I need all the help I can get." You must completely blow the lid off this affair. She needs to know that if she makes this choice all of her friends, and family will know she is a cheating adulteress. Women are much more influenced by relationship pressures then men are. (because women are relational). You must make her think she is completely alone in this.
soserious1 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Owl, reggie and the others are right. They have been there, done that. If you think you can love her out of wanting to screw this guy, you are sadly mistaken. You must do everything possible to stop her short of physically restraining her. You should call up her mom and dad. And ask them " Could you please speak with you daughter. She wants to go and screw this guy and destroy her marriage and her family. Could you tell her that I am completely serious about leaving if she does this. I want you to know, so she won't try to snow you about this. Your grand childrens happiness and future is at stake. And I need all the help I can get." You must completely blow the lid off this affair. She needs to know that if she makes this choice all of her friends, and family will know she is a cheating adulteress. Women are much more influenced by relationship pressures then men are. (because women are relational). You must make her think she is completely alone in this. I'm the kind of person who doesn't do well when approached in this fashion, heck I'd offer to pick up the phone and tell my friends and family myself. I'd also have no problems packing my things and leaving, of course I'd be taking my paycheck and my investments along with me. Personally, I don't see how a marriage could ever recover from such things, the cheater would forever be in the one down position in the relationship,directed and controlled, policed.. I wouldn't want to be married to somebody I had to do these things to and on the flip side of the coin,if I were the cheater, I think I'd much rather walk than deal with this kind of fallout. I wouldn't consider staying. I'm not interested in taking a prisoner and I wouldn't want to be one either.
2sure Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Your wife is telling you she wants permission to cheat on you. Once granted , the outcome of your marriage, the pain, the conflict, the shame - we all be on your shoulders. So, giving her permission in any way (including doing nothing) is simply NOT an option. You will read here about many different scenerios involving infidelity. As various and different everyone's life is - the PATTERNS of infidelity, and what works to stop it, and get a chance to recover are ALL THE SAME. You need to : Call the OM. You dont threaten him or ask him questions. You simply tell him that you know about him, you do not like his involvement in your families life, and that if he and your wife continue contact of any kind that you will be ending the marriage. Chances are good he doesnt want that, doesnt want her full time, may have a wife of his own. Whether that works or not, you have to tell your wife that if she is going to continue contact with him , the marriage has to be over. Right now. Separate. Go stay with your family, throw her out if you can - whatever you have to do. ACTION and CONSEQUENCES that affect HER are the only ways to break her affair fog and get you a window of opportunity to maybe get your marriage back together.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I discovered this weekend that my wife was texting, chatting online and phoning in the past 3 weeks every day like hunderd times with this high school old boy friend. She went for a drink with him a couple weeks ago on a business trip and this weekend she told me they kissed that night. On a business trip far away alone where you couldn't have possibly caught them in person...and they only kissed? Ya right. She is lying her cheating ass off. But really, if you give her the benefit of the doubt, what she did was bad enough. I don't know if anything else happened, she says nothing happened but I don't know if I can still trust her. Obviously not. She messed around with another guy. We are married for 4 years now and have 2 beautiful kids. I am devastated to think about the fact we would separate/divorce as I still love her very much. Why would you love someone that messed around with another man? You think she had feelings of love for you when she made plans to be with him? She says she doesn't know she loves me anymore and says she has very strong feelings for the other guy. Then I think you need to think about divorce. For one thing, you shouldn't have to sit around and wait for her to figure it out. Our relationship has not been that great lately and we kind of took each other for granted. I guess she has been looking for something she was missing in our relationship/me like talking and communicating and found this over the past months with that other guy. Ok, so say you do end up patching it up with her and she wants to work on the marriage. There is one problem. You both are responsible for the breakdown in communications, and whatever else. But SHE chose to cheat.....you didn't. So now one of you is a cheater in the relationship. you don't think thats going to cause an imbalance in the marriage with that weighing on your mind? For me this weekend has just been one roller coaster of emotions and I am trying to safe my marriage but I am afraid its almost to late. I told her I want to go in counseling right away but she said yesterday she didn't as she first need to find out if she really has more feeling for that guy. So what does that mean? That she expects you to let her go off and be with him and explore with this guy? I call bullsh#t on that. She needs to decide now, rather than later if she wants this other guy, or her family. You shouldn't be expected to sit and wait like a good little husband while she is off alone with him exploring her feelings. She basically said I want to be with him for a couple of days to find out, if its just a fantasy or if its true feelings I have for him. Bullsh#t. Maybe you let her go be with him, then you pack you and your kids belongings and leave. Or at the very least, have her things ready for her when she gets back and tell her to go live with her other man. Hearing that that just hurted me even more. I was so mad I blocked his phone number so they can't call or sms anymore. But I guess they still can IM and email which she did with him for an hour last night while I was in bed. I feel empty inside, feel devastated and don't know what to do? I want to fight for our relationship and marriage and keep us together with our children of 4 and 2 years old. Today she emailed me she wants to start counciling with me, so at least that is positive but she also still wants to see for a few days the other guy Hmmm, what do you think the counselor would say about her exploring with the other guy? Unless the counselor is a real quack, they won't suggest that is a good idea at all. Lets say she goes off with him for a weekend. Not only will you be going out of your mind, if she decides her kids and you are more important than getting her rocks off with another man....you will ALWAYS have that weekend in the back of your mind from now until the day you die. That is unless you end up not being married to her in the future. which is like 4 hours flight away to see if her feelings for him are true or not. She says without seeing him she can't move on and feels stuck right now. I feel like If I agree to this, I sent her to something which turns out to be disastrous for our marriage Her cheating is already disastrous for your marriage. You didn't do this....SHE did. What should I do, get hurt and let her go to him to figure out if she really feels for him or completely disagree and be stuck with my wife who has feelings for someone else and doesn't love me right now going in counceling. Please advice? You do neither. You contact an attorney and serve her with papers. You don't give her a choice. She is the cheater here, she shouldn't get to call the shots. If you agree to let her go, you are being a desperate lapdog for her. That and if you let her go, she will know that from that point on she has you wrapped around her little finger. She will know that you will let her go see another man because you are scared to lose her. My question is, besides the despair you might feel about the kids lives being uprooted(again, her doing, not yours), why would you be scared to lose a cheating wife? If I were you, I'd talk to some friends. Preferably those that have gone through divorce, and get their opinions on things. But you do NOT let her go see another man under any circumstances. And if she goes anyway, you file for divorce on the grounds of adultery, and serve her the papers out of the blue and a complete surprise to her.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 well, all I can say is that you 2 have a Marriage. And in a Marriage, one spouse does not have the damn right to "ask permission" from the other spouse to on a play date with someone else. PERIOD. Your kids will be fine if you 2 divorce Stamp is right on. My kids are fine with the exception that she has custody and they'd have a much better life with me. But when they are with me, they are fine. And in the event I find out they are not, I'll take her to court for custody. To the OP, I don't see any way out of this besides divorce. She wants another man and has the audacity to want to be able to explore her feelings with him. That is something you will NEVER forget, and will ALWAYS bother you unless you get rid of her and move on with your life. There are good women out there. Your wife isn't one of them however.
Reggie Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 On the divorce issue, you need to be prepared to divorce. Really, only a small percentage of marriages survive cheating . And, of those that do stay together , a very high percentage limp along miserably for the duration. And, you did not cause this. So, do not feel one bit guilty if you divorce. Like Dexter, I can tell you that being divorced from a cheater is a breath of fresh air. My kids are fine and my life is so much better. See, cheating is often the tip of the abuse iceberg. Folks inclined to cheat often have many other abusive traits, as well. Many BS's have been dealing with other forms of abuse for years. I often steer folks to sites on personality disorders when dealing with a cheating spouse. Infidelity is rampant among the disordered and many, many cheating spouses are disordered or at least have a higher percentage of the disordered traits. Chances are you may end up divorced. If that happens, no doubt you will have some pain. But, you should know that after it subsides and you get some clarity and see what you are getting away from, life is good. Really, do you want to go through the rest of your life with someone that has treated you like you WW has? Can you imagine just how disfunctional she is to have even contemplated suggesting you go along with this? Your wife is, apparently, a very disturbed and immature woman. You can do better. I got divorced the first time at age 40, from a serially cheating wife. I was in good shape, made good money and made friends easily. You would not believe the deamnd there is for a decent guy with a good job. You'll meet someone better.
Reggie Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I'm the kind of person who doesn't do well when approached in this fashion, heck I'd offer to pick up the phone and tell my friends and family myself. I'd also have no problems packing my things and leaving, of course I'd be taking my paycheck and my investments along with me. Personally, I don't see how a marriage could ever recover from such things, the cheater would forever be in the one down position in the relationship,directed and controlled, policed.. I wouldn't want to be married to somebody I had to do these things to and on the flip side of the coin,if I were the cheater, I think I'd much rather walk than deal with this kind of fallout. I wouldn't consider staying. I'm not interested in taking a prisoner and I wouldn't want to be one either. If a cheating spouse acts this way, he or she is doing the BS a big favor. Essentialy, it is how my XWW acted. It worked out fantastically for me. I exposed the cheating and her family rallied around me. My kids rejected the OM and he was ousted by the pressure. My kids know the cause of the divorce was my XW's cheating and I came out smelling like a rose. So, I got out of an abusive marriage with a remorseless cheater with my relationships with my in-laws, wifes brothers and extended family etc all in great shape.
soserious1 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 If a cheating spouse acts this way, he or she is doing the BS a big favor. Essentialy, it is how my XWW acted. It worked out fantastically for me. I exposed the cheating and her family rallied around me. My kids rejected the OM and he was ousted by the pressure. My kids know the cause of the divorce was my XW's cheating and I came out smelling like a rose. So, I got out of an abusive marriage with a remorseless cheater with my relationships with my in-laws, wifes brothers and extended family etc all in great shape. I've always been the type of person who only acts on serious matters after very careful deliberation. When I decided to file for divorce, I stood there,tall and straight, looked my husband dead up in his eyes and told him. Had I decided to cheat I would have had no problem standing there straight and tall,smiling and tell him directly and clearly,if he demanded details I'd have given them,right down to how big the guy was and how many times I orgasmed. if he felt the need to expose me to others,that would have been fine too. I really wouldn't care. Other people don't pay my bills,clean my house,take care of my pets or basically do anything but take time,money and energy away from me.. if they are going to decide to side with my now Ex,great,let them take their needs to him as well. I didn't divorce the man because he picked his teeth..I did so only after trying everything I knew how to do to fix things. I didn't cheat because I dislike drama and emotional complications in an otherwise placid mind set.However, I act with deliberation and had that been a choice I made, I'd stand by my act..no remorse,no regrets, no begging forgiveness and no getting mad or upset no matter who he told. By the time I get to that point the marriage woulda been DOA for freaking years, not much he could do or say that would bother me. I don't take emotional hostages and I'm not about to willingly accept becoming one either, you get to that point in a relationship,IMHO the relationships toast,done,stick a fork in it and move on.
soserious1 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 On the divorce issue, you need to be prepared to divorce. Really, only a small percentage of marriages survive cheating . And, of those that do stay together , a very high percentage limp along miserably for the duration. And, you did not cause this. So, do not feel one bit guilty if you divorce. Like Dexter, I can tell you that being divorced from a cheater is a breath of fresh air. My kids are fine and my life is so much better. See, cheating is often the tip of the abuse iceberg. Folks inclined to cheat often have many other abusive traits, as well. Many BS's have been dealing with other forms of abuse for years. I often steer folks to sites on personality disorders when dealing with a cheating spouse. Infidelity is rampant among the disordered and many, many cheating spouses are disordered or at least have a higher percentage of the disordered traits. Chances are you may end up divorced. If that happens, no doubt you will have some pain. But, you should know that after it subsides and you get some clarity and see what you are getting away from, life is good. Really, do you want to go through the rest of your life with someone that has treated you like you WW has? Can you imagine just how disfunctional she is to have even contemplated suggesting you go along with this? Your wife is, apparently, a very disturbed and immature woman. You can do better. I got divorced the first time at age 40, from a serially cheating wife. I was in good shape, made good money and made friends easily. You would not believe the deamnd there is for a decent guy with a good job. You'll meet someone better. And even if you don't meet somebody better (not all people do) IMHO,I'm better off alone with a couple cats than groveling and scraping for crumbs whatever affection he had left after his craig's list encounters. I loved my husband but in the end I loved myself more.
Recommended Posts