olliemadison Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Hi there, I recently got married, to a man I love, that lives across the world. I flew to Jordan for only a few days in order to marry him and then had to fly back to the US right away for various reasons. I wasn't even worried about getting a ring... the marriage was what was important to me... so the ring was really not a top priority. However, several weeks before flying to Jordan, my husband-to-be asked me what kind of ring I wanted and what size I wore... and he asked me numerous times if I got him his ring yet, so I made sure to get him a ring before going to Jordan. I told him my ring size and that I did not like gold... just silver or white gold, and I specifically asked him if he understood what white gold was. The next week, he tells me he bought the rings and he hopes I have tiny fingers. I told him my size again... a 7-1/2 or 8. I didn't ask him anything else about the ring but assumed he got silver or white gold. Anyway, I flew to Jordan and when I got there he showed me the rings...one "engagement" ring and one wedding band. (we didn't have an engagement). The rings were not even close to my size, and they were gold. They must be about a size 6? I can't even get them on my pinky. They both look well used, and the wedding band was covered in scratches. I don't know that much about jewelry, but comparing the rings to the not so expensive wedding band I bought him, they looked really sad, and I was really disappointed. I didn't know what to say to him, because I told him to pick out something that he thought was nice, so I couldn't really complain... plus that would be kind of nasty to complain about the wedding ring someone just gave you. I did say that the one ring looked pretty scratched up and he insisted it was no more scratched up than the one I got him. (It clearly was... it was very dull in color and covered in scratches, whereas the one I got him was sparkling.) I also said that the rings were tiny and asked why he didn't get the size I told him... he just said he didn't ask about the size. I asked him if we could take the rings back and trade for the right size, and he said that I should just take them back to the US and have them re-size the rings. (We were pressed for time, and I think the place where he might have gotten the rings was a couple hours from where we were getting married, so I didn't push the issue.) I don't even know if they can re-size the rings to make them large enough. (the rings were TINY) and I think that resizing them is probably more expensive than what he paid for the rings. I am fairly certain that he bought used rings but didn't want to ask. I think I would be okay with it if he explained that to me, and at least had the rings cleaned up so that they looked nice. I guess I'm just not keen on the idea of being given a ring that's come straight off of some divorced woman's finger and sold for 5 bucks to the pawn shop. I just sent him a message explaining that the cost of resizing the ring might be a bit much and maybe I should send him the rings to trade for the right size, and this time hopefully in silver or white gold. Am I being a bitch?
Dumbledore Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I guess the oil price collapse is taking its toll.
Adamagnet Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I guess the oil price collapse is taking its toll. Jordan doesn't even export oil...
Island Girl Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Jordan has an unemployment rate of over 20%. I can only imagine what that is like - since our country is at 7.4% and people are suffering all around me. Have you thought of the possibility that rings may be hard to come by? Do you know how he is doing financially? My husband's country is very poor. They have a jewelry store but only the very wealthy ca afford to get anything more than a very simple band. These are usually yellow gold - very yellow - because of the inexpensiveness of the material. I must say I am shocked at your reaction. You said you didn't even need a ring. The fact that he made the gesture should be enough. And as to your comment about the scratches, that in itself is a complaint and as you said it is rude to complain about what you are given. Especially since you stated you did not even need a ring. He tried to whisk away the comment and sounds as though he was stung by it. I know my husband would have been. If he got them used and they are scratched - so be it. If you love him and the marriage is what matters -- then why are you here even writing about this? Why does it bother you? That is something you should get to the heart of. Because it really isn't about the rings. When I flew overseas to marry my husband, I knew he could not afford to get me a set I wanted so I bought them myself. Anyone that sees a problem with that has a problem themselves. I am not about to make that my problem. You can get yourself whatever rings you want. You could re-size those you have and get them cleaned up. Or you can accept them as they are and wear them on a chain around your neck. I'd choose the latter because I would want them exactly as they are to remind me of how much effort he put in to try to give me something precious.
Dumbledore Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Jordan doesn't even export oil... Good point, but their economy is heavily dependent on the prosperity of the region. And thus the reality check.
confused_2008 Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Keep in mind unemployment statistics really mean nothing when compared country to country. We have a lot more than 7.4% of our country without work right now, but the government has all kinds of stipulations to be officially "unemployed". Anyway, for the topic of the thread I don't know how women feel, but I would feel unappreciated if I was you. I would be more worried about what his lack of concern when picking out the ring meant, more so than the ring not costing very much. If I was him I and I really cared about you, I would want to give you a ring that reminded you how much you loved me every time you looked at it, not one that made you feel contempt.
JennaGennaro Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 As always, Island Girl makes a lot of good points. I am a bit saddened that you said the marriage was what mattered, but then complained about the rings. I can understand as a girl would like to have something nice on her finger, but it sounds petty. That being said, what are the rings made of? You said you thought they would be silver or white gold? If they are, you can get them rhodium dipped for cheap and they will look shiny and new. Most silver and white gold are dipped in rhodium to begin with and will lose their luster. Speaking of which, mine are overdue. If they are not silver or white gold, you might look online and see what can be done for yellow gold. Are his the same material as yours? You can rhodium dip yellow gold from what I understand. And from what I understand about jewelry, they CAN stretch a ring, but they need to use other metals, which makes the gold a little weaker, but it can be done. If none of these solutions are acceptable, then I would just embrace what was given you until someday you can afford a nicer ring, if that is something he would like for you.
Island Girl Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 If I was him I and I really cared about you, I would want to give you a ring that reminded you how much you loved me every time you looked at it, not one that made you feel contempt. And of course you would pick out and buy from the selection you have available. Which may not be the same as it is for YOU. I would hope that any gift would be appreciated. at least that is what we SAY right? That it is the GESTURE that counts not the present itself...?! I would not look at ANY present my husband gave me from his heart with contempt. And to anyone that would look at a gift that way - it says something (terrible) about the receiver - not the giver. I have a ring that is made from a coconut that means so much to me - and I wear it. What did it cost? Almost nothing truthfully. What is it's replacement value? It's priceless to me.
JennaGennaro Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 "I would hope that any gift would be appreciated. at least that is what we SAY right? That it is the GESTURE that counts not the present itself...?!" Island Girl is spot on! That is what we are supposed to say and it makes us look petty and shallow if we do not. He says the ring is not any more scratched than the one you got him, well, maybe that is what he truly believes. Men have a different way of looking at jewelry than most women, but it sounds like he got you what he could afford at the time.
Author olliemadison Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Thanks confused_2008 and Island Girl for your comments. I appreciate both perspectives. Of course it's about something deeper than just the rings... and I guess that deeper questions is how much he values/appreciates me. I guess I felt like I wasn't even worth a decent ring. I would like to think that he could have spent some of the $250 I sent him at the end of December to purchase a nice ring for me. About my comment about the scratches "stinging" him... I am a very sensitive person, and so I am careful about the things that I say because I think about how I would feel if someone said the same thing to me.... but in all fairness, he has never been one to hold back negative comments about the gifts that I bring him (which he requests.) This time he told me that he didn't like the jeans I bought for him. Granted, those are jeans, and this is a wedding band, but you get the idea. I have flown to see him many times in past 20 months, have always paid for our hotel, etc, and on the occasions where he has promised a "gift" to me, he has not followed through because of lack of finances, because all his money is going towards building a house. I have accepted it each and every time, because generally material things are not important to me, but I would feel disappointed because he would ask me to bring things for him but would not follow through on his promises. I can't help but think if he has enough money to build a house, why couldn't he set aside a very very minor fraction of that to buy me a new wedding band (I was only thinking of something like a forty dollar band... I just don't like the idea of wearing someone else's band for the rest of my life.) I guess since he asked me to get him a ring, and he asked what kind of ring I wanted, I thought he would at least try to get something that looked nice, along the lines of what I asked for (silver or white gold), and in the right size range. But I felt like he didn't even bother. There are definitely jewelry stores in Jordan. We got married in the capital... there are malls there, where I'm sure they have brand new forty dollar wedding bands... They have American Eagle, so why not?
Author olliemadison Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 I guess I just felt like he did not put any thought or effort into getting the ring for the woman he was about to marry. He didn't get the right size, nor the color I asked for, and he got one that was completely scratched up. I've seen his mother and sisters wear some pretty nice jewelry... so I know it shouldn't be too hard for him to find a shiny new wedding band.
Island Girl Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Okay so you have had to foot the bill for tickets and hotels, etc. And you have been kind of hurt when he has criticized your gifts. I know exactly how you feel and exactly what you are saying here. You set yourself up with an expectation and you were hurt that you didn't get what you would have expected - or what you would have gotten him had the situation been reversed. I also understand the feeling of sending him the $250 in December and then not having a portion of that saved and spent on you. Believe me I get it. I feel you on this one more than others here are able to. But I have found I can't get stuck in that mire. If I dwell there it gets deeper and wider and becomes more difficult to get out of. I have to remember what I thought when I stayed with my husband and saw his day to day life for 3 weeks. I was saddened at how I thought (these same thoughts you are having now) and things I said for the previous 3 years. And I had been there and visited for a week. I saw how little he has. I saw how they make do with nothing. I saw that basics we take for granted - they don't have and it is common NOT to have them. Refrigerators, stoves, indoor plumbing, etc. And even now I have to remind myself consciously that it is different for him and where he is. It didn't get it until I was there for an extended period of time and immersed myself with his lifestyle instead of just walking around like a tourist. I hope you get my meaning there.
Author olliemadison Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Thanks again Island Girl... Maybe I will understand it one day when I've stayed with his family for a month or so.... I have stayed with his family at times... a couple days here and there... and have stayed in the town he grew up in for a week to several weeks at a time... and to be honest, on the surface at least, his home living situation appears to be better than what I grew up in. They have all the modern conveniences (He even bought a computer last year and has internet.) ... I at times did not have some basic necessities growing up... like milk, or running water... so I feel like I should be able to relate to poverty on some level... but I understand that my role as a child in poverty was much different than his role as an adult male living with a family in poverty. And maybe I've forgotten what it's like to be poor. Anyway, I'm digressing... I'll work it out. Thanks for the comments all!
MindoverMatter Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Buying the rings used and maybe not in the preferred design: okay. Buying rings that are not your size and not bothering to ask: not okay. Rings might be hard to come by, but buying a ring without bothering to ask about the size is just a sign of carelessness. I would be disappointed too. I have been to Jordan. Buying a wedding ring for 40 Dollars is not impossible, nor (if you're in the capital) very hard to do. I feel it would have been a different matter, if he had simply told her that he wasn't able to afford a ring the way she wanted. But the size issue still stands. It is very easy to get a ring in the right size (btw an American ring size differs from a European one, so giving the measurements of your finger would be better). Yes, there are cultural differences that need to be taken into consideration. However, he needs to be aware of that too? "Bring me presents, I don't like your jeans", and "here is a wedding band I didn't bother to check the size" don't go well together.
sb129 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Your H lives in Jordan (ie not with you) and this is the biggest of your worries? What is wrong with this picture?
Author olliemadison Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 I got the rings sized last night... they are a size 4 and 4.5:(
Author olliemadison Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 p.s... obviously him living in another country is a bigger issue... but that is something we have been dealing with for quite some time and hopefully soon we'll be together...
Author olliemadison Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 it's frightening that they are now posting wedding ring adverts on this page!
MindoverMatter Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 No, you didn't. I really don't see why people are jumping at you like you had no reason to be sad about it at all. He made a mistake (because, yes, you can get rings the right size in Jordan). However, what has been done, has been done. Has he apologized at all for not giving you something that you could actually wear?
dashing daisy Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I'm surprised everyone is giving you such a hard time. It seems like you mention anything about engagement ring problems and everyone pounces. I think this is less about the style of the ring, and more about the fact that he makes demands of her and then says he doesn't like what she does for him, but then when she expresses her few desires--white gold or silver, and a ring that fits--he completely ignores it. It's not a good way to start out a marriage. Regardless, you say you love him, and you are married now. Communicate that you were unhappy--and it's not because you are superficial, it's because he ignored your wants and needs. A marriage needs to be an equal partnership, and at the moment it sounds like you are bending over backwards, and he is barely moving at all.
Author olliemadison Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Thanks dashing_daisy... you're understanding the sentiment I wasn't able to express. I do feel like I've gone above and beyond to fulfill his requests and to make this long distance relationship work (it's hard!) I don't ask him for much, and never ask him for anything material, I even gave up having any sort of wedding celebration because he didn't want one... but I guess when he asked me what I wanted for a ring I got my hopes up... this was the first gift I would have received from him since the day we first met when he gave me a beaded bracelet. To me it wasn't about the actual ring, it was about the thought and effort behind it, and I just felt like he didn't put any thought into it... Anyway, we will see what he says... I sent him a message to let him know how I felt yesterday after I got the rings sized... He seems to be avoiding me today...
2sure Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Yes, its irritating. I would be slighted. Not by a used ring, or by no ring. But that one was purchased without even my size in mind. That being said - he may just be clueless regarding such things as size. Only you can know if he was sincerely not thinking size was an issue or if he simply didnt care if it fit or not. If you decide it was an honest mistake, but dont so much want to have ot resized or possibky even worn....buy yourself a white gold band , send it to him to have engraved as he sees fit, and then return to you. Redemption!
Author olliemadison Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 He just sent me a message saying that he would get me new rings. He didn't say anything as to what happened when he got the other rings. I am curious, but I don't think that there would be much point in pressing him about it.
Island Girl Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I really think the other people here posting and basically saying that you have every reason to be upset have never dealt with wedding band woes of their own. I would venture to say none have. I have an entirely different perspective because I did fly overseas to marry my husband and as careful as I was -- and as many times as I asked the size (I even had him go to the local jewelry store and have his ruing sized while I was on the phone and instructed by the owner what size his finger was). I got the ring here in the US. And when I got there it didn't fit. He put it on his pinky with some difficulty. But it didn't work as a wedding ring. Thankfully we went to every possible place that seels any kind of jewelry and we found one ---- yes ONE ---- ring that was his size and it was used. Thankfully I had the money to be able to purchase another or there I would have been sitting with my rings and he'd have nothing. The sizing was different. They use Euro sizes. But even after being told the size and having the jeweler here know that, and looking up the exchange chart online multiple times, it still ended up small. As I said before I, probably more than anyone here, know how you are feeling. About the things you have bought him that he has found an issue with. How hard you have tried to get it exactly right and felt slighted a bit when there is criticism. About sending him money to help with expenses and then feeling like - "hey, maybe a bit of that could have been a gift for me to show me something because I try so hard here and I am so strong here for you". I know. I don't know how long you have been separated from each other or if you have been separated from the very beginning. But we got together almost 9 years ago. We have been separated for, well, this is year number seven, and the last time I saw my husband was two and a half years ago. It is in relationships such as our (yours and mine) where we have to not sweat the small stuff because of means and circumstances. We have to hold on to the priorities and keep the important stuff in the front of our minds everyday or we would go down the road of so many and become a statistic of LDRs not working. Our relationships can't be about material things at all. I have to remember it is a different world there. That I don't have to wake up at 6am to go out and light a fie to cook breakfast - and if it has rained I wouldn't get anything to eat. Just a for instance. I am sure there are similar circumstances where your husband is. sb129 gets it because she was separated from her true love for quite a while. My point is that we know what is important. We know that no amount of money or materials could take the place of that person. And that our hearts are not whole. That every single minute of every single day we are aware that we are missing a great piece of ourselves. That no matter what happens in the day -- good or bad -- there is an underlying sadness we feel from the time our eyes open and lasts until our minds stop spinning and sleep. I am very happy he is doing something about the rings. But in our situation, if we look, we can find plenty to be unhappy about. And it is already an unhappy situation. We don't need to focus on adding fuel to the fire.
MindoverMatter Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I have an entirely different perspective because I did fly overseas to marry my husband and as careful as I was -- and as many times as I asked the size (I even had him go to the local jewelry store and have his ruing sized while I was on the phone and instructed by the owner what size his finger was). I got the ring here in the US. And when I got there it didn't fit. He put it on his pinky with some difficulty. But it didn't work as a wedding ring. Which is why I said that it's better to give the measurements of the finger, not just a ring size, as ring sizes do differ from country to country. When given exact ring measurements, a ring cannot be made too small or too big. However, if a manufacturer doesn't really know his way around the different sizes, it might end up mismade. And yeah, I've been there. No wedding band, but a ring nevertheless. I have to remember it is a different world there. That I don't have to wake up at 6am to go out and light a fie to cook breakfast - and if it has rained I wouldn't get anything to eat. Just a for instance. I am sure there are similar circumstances where your husband is. She has stated, that they have all the modern conveniences. Also, Jordan is not that bad. There is lots of room for improvement, surely. I, unlike you, have been there. It is very easy to get a good, fitting ring in the capital ( and she stated that this is where they stayed). And, for your information, I was in a LDR, too. Different countries as well. So, I get what's important and what is not. Just because somebody offers a different perspective doesn't mean they they are basing it on what they saw on Oprah. I think that she has the right to feel sad about it. She is human. For crying out loud, she didn't bitch about her relationship, she didn't question everything because of this, she didn't say it was the biggest of her worries. It is one worry. And for some people, voicing their worries helps them get over it. There is no cookie cutter solution to this situation. No, "this is what you should feel and behave like". I agree that LDRs need a lot of patience, love, a constant look at the bigger picture. But you can't just surpress every ounce of negative feeling. And you shouldn't have to. But that is just my opinion, and I respect that your's differs from mine.
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