Lucky7880 Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 My H had an affair about 10yrs ago which absolutely devastated me. As soon as we split the OW dumped him, I still loved him and we worked at our marriage which continued to have good times and bad but I worked hard to trust him again. 7 months ago he was unemployed, offered a job in Malaysia which I thought was a bit pie in the sky, didn't want him to go but wouldn't stop him as he would always have blamed me for what might have been. He went and for the first few weeks I was quite irrationally in bits. We'd never been apart for more than 2 weeks in 29years (married for 25). I reflected on the intensity of my feelings and realised they were due to insecurity and a deep seated fear that he would cheat on me. We discussed this at length and he reassured me he wouldn't do that to me. The job has turned out to be a non-starter, the whole episode has cost us several thousand pounds and 2 weeks ago I discovered he'd been talking to a woman who he'd known from his home town who lives out there now albeit 400 miles from where he is. The messages I read, whilst fairly innoccuous were not entirely innocent. They led up to her arranging to go see him for the weekend, would he book a hotel and how she ached at the very thought of him. I was going to monitor things until after this weekend but he knew somebody had been in his account and changed the password so I confronted him. He says she is crazy, stalking him, texting him between 40 & 60 times a day and inventing a relationship that they never had. He said he had been trying to end their friendship and as she wasn't getting the message over text or whatever the arranged weekend was to tell her to her face that this couldn't go on as he loved his wife!! When I discovered the messages they had shared I felt that was enough for me to end our marriage and constituted cheating as much as anything else- the events of the weekend that never happened were irrelevant. I feel he was more than aware of what this type of thing would do to both me and our marriage and made the choice to pursue it. He denies encouraging her but admits to not discouraging her. He won't talk to me about separation or divorce saying if I've made up my mind to go ahead and do whatever although he will contest any divorce I might pursue. I have been so up and down with my thoughts and feelings. I feel to forgive him again I would be condemning myself to a life of him having his cake and eating it whenever the mood took him. How do you walk away from 29 years? It really scares me but feel I have no choice. There is much more to this story but I don't want to bore you, just wanted to share it with you. I've found a lot of comfort on these boards over the last few days. Tell me your thoughts.
anijanoki Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 hmm sounds fishy. I don't blame you for not wanting to go thru learning to trust him again. Trust is a hard thing to gain once it's lost. I know from expereince, since I am trying to regain my spouses trust after having an affair. I feel like it's his turn to make the move. To prove to you and to himself that your marriage is what he wants. I don't know how, that's between you two. I am still trying to figure out how to prove it to my husband! Maybe you could give me some advice on it! :-)
2sure Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 What is frustrating in your story is his gaslighting you about the texts, the meeting, and the relationship with this OW. If he wont own up to what he has done, and insisits on betraying you with the lies - he leaves you no choice. Unless he comes clean you cannot begin to forgive.
Author Lucky7880 Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 You're both absolutely right and I suppose I'm just looking for affirmation that I'm making the right decision although I know only I can make that decision. Separation and divorce has never been something I have wanted which is why I have put up with so much but everyone has their limits. He has probably been more honest this time than I have known him admitting to enjoying the attention and not actively discouraging her. He even tried to blame me for not phoning him so often (the time difference meant it was 1am for him when I got home from work) and that his decision to get inveigled with this woman was purely retribution for me!! He says he has a huge ego which needs stroked and had taken the reduction in phone calls very personally. I still believe he's lying to me. One of the messages written by him said- I'll see you in January and I'll just have to keep my hands off of you! (an event her H would be attending also). He claims he'd threatened to throttle her if she continued to text him and that is what he was referring to. All of his messages ended with a X except this one that ended with 2 XX- enough said? For the record I am an intelligent person and can't believe he would even try this tact. I told him this but he insists that's what he meant. I also find his claim that he would have met her for the weekend to end the "relationship" somewhat far fetched. I believe ostensibly he is a coward and there are few men who would opt for a face to face ending if they could get away with it by phone or over the internet. Talking to some people does put some doubt in my head as they say he didn't actually have an affair and that perhaps I'm over reacting. I guess this is just the straw that broke the camels back. I'm fine whilst he's so far away but I'm scared he'll come back home and start playing with my head and emotions which is why I need to stay strong. I am seeing a lawyer next week to see what my position is if he does decide to come home. I don't want him waltzing in here as if nothing's happened. Thanks again for your input- I was beginning to think nobody wanted to talk to me!!
anijanoki Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Ha! He is trying to blame it on you? Even I know that's wrong, and I am the one that cheated on my husband. There is probably something that is lacking for him in your marriage, but that doesn't give him the right to justify cheating. Obviously when someone cheats it's cause something is lacking. But my theory now that I see the light of my evil ways, is that everything was perfect when we married. So why can't it be now? Marriage is work, it doesn't blossom on it's own. Your husband may like the attention that OW is giving him, but he needs to show that his attention is all yours.
kyflyingbutterfly Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 i know it makes us second guess how smart we are when we know it all points to it., good luck i'm going through this now.. i'm just trying to find strenth though everyone here..
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