NC day 21-An overwhelming desire to call her -

[Zammo25]

I last saw her beautiful face 21 days ago when she finished with me.

 

I am functioning , just but my every waking hour and sleeping hour is occupied with thoughts of her. What is she doing, is she fine, does she miss me at all, is she seeing anyone else ?.

 

How is it someone who you spent the last 1200 days with can so coldly toss you aside never to contact you again ?.

 

I am replaying the relationship and virtually every conversation , where did I go wrong, is NC the best way. Could I have salvaged the relationship as we split up several times before and managed to get abck together but this time is the longest and each days it getting harder and not easier.

 

I have an overwhelming desire to call her. I check my mobile for a missed call, a text, an e mail, anthing but of course nothing at all not even , are you ok ?.

 

I am not coping well.

 

Help !.

[JennaGennaro]

"I am functioning , just but my every waking hour and sleeping hour is occupied with thoughts of her. What is she doing, is she fine, does she miss me at all, is she seeing anyone else ?."

 

That's normal. It's called love. It shows that this person deeply affected you and you are hurting.

 

"How is it someone who you spent the last 1200 days with can so coldly toss you aside never to contact you again ?."

 

For some people, it is just easy. They see other human beings as disposable. So many people these days only think about themselves and their needs.

 

"I have an overwhelming desire to call her. I check my mobile for a missed call, a text, an e mail, anthing but of course nothing at all not even , are you ok ?."

 

Please, don't do that. She isn't worth your time or your thoughts. Just put her out of your mind. In time, it will get easier.

 

Zammo, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don't know exactly what happened to you, but your story reminded me of my first BF and first love. We had some warning signs that things were not right, but I had no idea what was in store for me because I thought things were back on track, but just out of the blue one day, he just vanished from my life. It has been almost 15 years, but I have been with the most wonderful man for the last 11. It will get better. Anyway, I wanted to know where he was because I was worried (huge snowstorm that day). I contacted anyone I could think of. I finally found out from his cousin that he had been cheating on me for the last six months. I was the last to know and it hurt. I found out who the girl was and where she worked. I only wanted to know if it were true and how long it was going on. But she was mean to me and then confronted me at my place of work months later. It made me realize what a real nice girl he was getting himself.

 

But while I worked on getting my life back on track, I spent the next week not eating (I just couldn't). I lost 10 pounds that week and CRIED my eyes out. I couldn't look at anything without remembering something about him. Even the stinking TV Guide listed shows that were on that we saw together. What got me through was the support of my family (he fooled them too) and my friends. And what really helped was to take a job in the next town over and meet new people and have some new surroundings. I began to feel good about myself again because the new people were interested in getting to know me.

 

You should not waste any more of your time wondering how this girl is doing. She obviously has no regard for your feelings (from what you write). It will get easier, but it will take time. I also burned everything my ex BF ever bought for me so all the memories were gone. I never saw him again (knock on wood) but my Mom has fun sending me newspaper clippings every time he is arrested. See, he ended up dropping out of HS and the girl he cheated with me was already married with kids (her husband was in the service - nice girl). When I look back at what my life could have been with this HS dropout - I have to laugh. My life is so much better and rewarding now than it ever was. I have a man that truly loves me and you will have a love like that too. You just have to wait for it to happen.

 

Keep your chin up, it will get better.

[Meaplus3]

Hi Zammo, NC is not easy at first. 21 days is great progress. It takes time to move past feelings and the more you keep up with NC you will see that. During those times of desire to make contact, keep yourself busy. Distraction helps so much. I know it may seem like this is so tough but, trust me with time you'll get past the R. Keep up the good work. You can do it.

 

Mea:)

[Zammo25]

"I am functioning , just but my every waking hour and sleeping hour is occupied with thoughts of her. What is she doing, is she fine, does she miss me at all, is she seeing anyone else ?."

 

That's normal. It's called love. It shows that this person deeply affected you and you are hurting.

 

"How is it someone who you spent the last 1200 days with can so coldly toss you aside never to contact you again ?."

 

For some people, it is just easy. They see other human beings as disposable. So many people these days only think about themselves and their needs.

 

"I have an overwhelming desire to call her. I check my mobile for a missed call, a text, an e mail, anthing but of course nothing at all not even , are you ok ?."

 

Please, don't do that. She isn't worth your time or your thoughts. Just put her out of your mind. In time, it will get easier.

 

Zammo, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don't know exactly what happened to you, but your story reminded me of my first BF and first love. We had some warning signs that things were not right, but I had no idea what was in store for me because I thought things were back on track, but just out of the blue one day, he just vanished from my life. It has been almost 15 years, but I have been with the most wonderful man for the last 11. It will get better. Anyway, I wanted to know where he was because I was worried (huge snowstorm that day). I contacted anyone I could think of. I finally found out from his cousin that he had been cheating on me for the last six months. I was the last to know and it hurt. I found out who the girl was and where she worked. I only wanted to know if it were true and how long it was going on. But she was mean to me and then confronted me at my place of work months later. It made me realize what a real nice girl he was getting himself.

 

But while I worked on getting my life back on track, I spent the next week not eating (I just couldn't). I lost 10 pounds that week and CRIED my eyes out. I couldn't look at anything without remembering something about him. Even the stinking TV Guide listed shows that were on that we saw together. What got me through was the support of my family (he fooled them too) and my friends. And what really helped was to take a job in the next town over and meet new people and have some new surroundings. I began to feel good about myself again because the new people were interested in getting to know me.

 

You should not waste any more of your time wondering how this girl is doing. She obviously has no regard for your feelings (from what you write). It will get easier, but it will take time. I also burned everything my ex BF ever bought for me so all the memories were gone. I never saw him again (knock on wood) but my Mom has fun sending me newspaper clippings every time he is arrested. See, he ended up dropping out of HS and the girl he cheated with me was already married with kids (her husband was in the service - nice girl). When I look back at what my life could have been with this HS dropout - I have to laugh. My life is so much better and rewarding now than it ever was. I have a man that truly loves me and you will have a love like that too. You just have to wait for it to happen.

 

Keep your chin up, it will get better.

 

I seriously think I have lose the best thing in my life. I cannot see the purpose in carrying on. I am blaming myself as I did not commit like I should lver the 3 and a half years. I am blaming myself 100% which is probably scewed thinking I know. I went pass her house this evening and her car was not there so I am imagining all sorts. Its not heathy I know but I cannot move on. She said she loved me at Xmas and dmuped me on New Years like a resolution which is meant to be getting rid of bad in your life isn't it ?. I feel like a piece of garbage. I saw her face ot face at my insistance 3 weeks ago and she finished with me face to face quite coldly " there is no me and you in 2009" when I stated what I wanted and for us to keep trying and move the relationship forward. She said she would have married me a month earlier if I has asked and then its over, done and dusted, no going back. I did a few things to irate her during Xmas and sdhe used that as a reason and rationale to finish with me, trivial stuff, well to me anyway. I did not cheat on her and only had eyes for her, 2008 was tough as the economy was so bad and I could not make plans due to great uncertainty with my business and money which I thought was fair.

 

The last 3 weeks I have missed her SO MUCH it is unbearable. I have been knocked for 6. I am not cpoing and cannot see a way through this. Part of me thinks she could not have loved me that much to toss me aside again. Surely if you truely love someone you keep working at it apart for infidelity. I worked at my previous relationship for 13 years and foregave far far more than she cannot forgive me for.

 

I guess I loved/Love her far more than she ever loved me and its hard.

[SRV]

Part of me thinks she could not have loved me that much to toss me aside again. Surely if you truely love someone you keep working at it apart for infidelity. I worked at my previous relationship for 13 years and foregave far far more than she cannot forgive me for.

 

I guess I loved/Love her far more than she ever loved me and its hard.

 

 

Right here lies your answer for what kind of relationship you had, or thought you had. You will find someone, in the above quote that will be fulfilling to you.

 

Things in life happen for a reason, your reason is right in the quote above. many years from now, when you look back you will be smiling and thanking your lucky stars.

[JennaGennaro]

But if you were not ready to commit over the 3 1/2 years like you said, what makes you think you would be ready if given an ultimatum?

 

It is better to have things end now over trivial things than to commit yourself in marriage and have them end over trivial things.

 

I think you are doing well. Don't give up and keep moving on. Driving by her house is just going to cause you pain and you don't need to inflict yourself with more pain.

 

Just take what you learned from this relationship and use it to better the next one. If communication was a problem, then make sure you and any new girl can talk openly with one another. You would be surprised what goes through a person's head when they cannot communicate with their significant other.

[Zammo25]

But if you were not ready to commit over the 3 1/2 years like you said, what makes you think you would be ready if given an ultimatum?

 

It is better to have things end now over trivial things than to commit yourself in marriage and have them end over trivial things.

 

I think you are doing well. Don't give up and keep moving on. Driving by her house is just going to cause you pain and you don't need to inflict yourself with more pain.

 

Just take what you learned from this relationship and use it to better the next one. If communication was a problem, then make sure you and any new girl can talk openly with one another. You would be surprised what goes through a person's head when they cannot communicate with their significant other.

 

I should have committed but I didn't and now its too late. But part of me thinks as she finished with me several times over the relatationship ( due to non committal or at least she pecieved it that way ) weakened the realtionship each time and led me to doubt her true love for me , the person I am , not the person she wants me to be. That is my rationale for not putting the ring on her finger as I suppose I did not feel totallys ecure she would not call it off or divorce me after marriage as I did not fit into her ideal of a perfect Man.

[SRV]

I should have committed but I didn't and now its too late. But part of me thinks as she finished with me several times over the relatationship ( due to non committal or at least she pecieved it that way ) weakened the realtionship each time and led me to doubt her true love for me , the person I am , not the person she wants me to be. That is my rationale for not putting the ring on her finger as I suppose I did not feel totallys ecure she would not call it off or divorce me after marriage as I did not fit into her ideal of a perfect Man.

 

You are beating yourself up too much, whenever there is a doubt, there is one and for good reason. You might not see it now, but there was one, and it may not mean much now, but you will see it down the road as to why you did not commit at the time.

 

Ever heard of stories of people meeting and getting married after a month and the marriage lasted 50+ years, whereas others knew each other for years and then got married and it only last a few months?

 

When you meet the right one to commit to, there will be no doubt in your mind. She will accept you for who you are and not who she projects you are going to be, she will be patient and kind and not issue any ultimatums.

 

Good luck to you!

[JennaGennaro]

Well, Zammo, you said it yourself:

 

" as she finished with me several times over the relatationship" ( due to non committal or at least she pecieved it that way )"

 

"the person I am , not the person she wants me to be. That is my rationale for not putting the ring on her finger"

 

You have evidence that this was not the greatest love of your life by the fact that she "finished with you several times over the relationship." And by the fact that she sounds like she wanted to change you. No wonder you didn't want to be prodded into getting married . . . to her.

 

I hate to say it, but it sounds like the two of you just wanted different things or were on different tracks. You should be with someone who likes you the way you are and does not try to change you (beyond superficial things like maybe your clothes). Getting married would not have solved that. Maybe you would have gotten married and then hit another rough patch. Then you think, "oh having a child will solve everything" and then now you have another person in the middle and the fact is, you two were just not a match to begin with.

 

I know it will take some time and you will continue to doubt your every move and word to her for a while, but it will get easier in time. Just stay positive.

[Zammo25]

Well, Zammo, you said it yourself:

 

" as she finished with me several times over the relatationship" ( due to non committal or at least she pecieved it that way )"

 

"the person I am , not the person she wants me to be. That is my rationale for not putting the ring on her finger"

 

You have evidence that this was not the greatest love of your life by the fact that she "finished with you several times over the relationship." And by the fact that she sounds like she wanted to change you. No wonder you didn't want to be prodded into getting married . . . to her.

 

I hate to say it, but it sounds like the two of you just wanted different things or were on different tracks. You should be with someone who likes you the way you are and does not try to change you (beyond superficial things like maybe your clothes). Getting married would not have solved that. Maybe you would have gotten married and then hit another rough patch. Then you think, "oh having a child will solve everything" and then now you have another person in the middle and the fact is, you two were just not a match to begin with.

 

I know it will take some time and you will continue to doubt your every move and word to her for a while, but it will get easier in time. Just stay positive.

 

If I can think logically there must have been a reason for me being cautoius in marriage. I had only seperated 10 monthes before we meet after a 13 year relationship and I was over my ex but I was vary of jumping into marriage again that is my only excuse. She finished with me after 10 months and I said I would do this and that and I mean it, I thought, then 4 months later she finished with me again. In 2008 she dmuped me 4 time, April , June a major bust up in Augaust for 2 weeks and I had decied enough was enough and played hard ball and she came running back to me saying she made a mistake, would try and chance and relaised how much she loved me. I took er back to be dumped again in October as " she did not love me as much as she though she did and she did not feel the same way about me ". I addressed a lot of my issues and we got back together in October knowing this was the last chance. I wanted to feel secure and did not propose which she said in the final dumping 3 weeks ago she would have said yes as I suppose I did not feel on solid ground and all the dumpings made me question her true love for me. She wanted me to change things but did not want to chance or accept she needed to change a few things of her own. It was all on her terms. But I loved her so much I was prepared to try and change everything infact change the person I am just to be with her. Love has no logic does it ?.

[JennaGennaro]

No, love really does not have logic. I wish I had the answers, but I believe that is something which you will have to find within yourself.

 

It sort of sounds like this last girl was the rebound girl. You said you came out of a 13-year relationship, that is a long time. No wonder you would be scared of marriage again. I know a lot of people are scared of re-marrying after one bad marriage, let alone multiples. Others have no problem getting married 2, 3, 4, 5 + times. It has to be some sense of security or something.

 

I am rambling. I just think that if you knew in your heart that this woman was the one you wanted to be with for the rest of your life, then you would have proposed to her a long time ago, despite any falling out of the relationship or ultimatums. There was just something missing from this relationship that made you put on the brakes. Sure, hypothetically she could take you back and you could run to the Justice of the Peace and get married, but how long would that happiness last before something else reared its ugly head? What I am getting at is that there are other underlying issues here other than the fact that you were not ready to commit to her like she wanted. And do you know that was really what she wanted and that she wasn't on some fast-track to get married?