DaBastert Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 For those of you contemplating it, please just DON’T DO IT! I speak from experience. Here’s my story (grab a coffee if you want to read it all) Skip to the bottom if you just want the point of my story. I was (am?) married to a fantastic person. (separated right now) We met in college and got married at 25. We always got along great. We enjoyed each other’s company. We could always make each other laugh. She’s a great mom and wife. She’s very attractive. But the one thing our marriage always lacked was “passion” of any kind. We never fought. We never got “crazy” in the sack. We just cruised along seemingly happy for a LONG time. People always thought we were the perfect couple. But underneath the top layer something was wrong or missing... I’ve spent the last several years attending a conference where I would meet various women and have a great time. We’d meet through conference-sponsored e-mail lists or Forums and go from there. (You’d be amazed how many lonely people are out there!) The only real upside to all of that behaviour is I’ve met some other terrific people who I can now call dear friends. Year in and year out, I’d spend 5 days in another city just drinking, dancing, having a laugh and getting what I thought was missing from my marriage: PASSION. Pure, raw, emotion. All a complete fantasy, but there nonetheless. Fast forward to 2007. I meet a new person online. She was beautiful (in my mind). Funny. Smart. Athletic. Sexually aware. We got along SO WELL. It’s like someone just started working at my job who I clicked with instantly. We chatted ALL the time. In the beginning, for both of us, it was all about meeting at the conference, having a laugh and seeing where it would go. (Being the horny prick I am, of course I wanted sex) In this case there seemed to be a LOT more between us. She seemed like exactly the person I wanted to REALLY be with. That conference came and went and long story short, she couldn’t make it. But we continued to stay in touch. Our friendship grew and grew. We became closer and closer, to the point that we started to “feel” something. She was having problems in her marriage, and I was starting to see what was lacking in mine. By November of 2007, I was completely in “love” with her and she said the same. We continued chatting, and talking on video IM until we finally met in February of 2008. We needed to see if everything online was “real”, and it WAS. We never had sex but the chemistry was overflowing. Through all this, my wife had become a bit depressed and disconnected from me. She also said a few times that had become distant too. But being a selfish prick, (which is EXACTLY what cheating is!) I didn’t respond or care. I simply continued talking to my new found “love”. On and on it went. We were again supposed to meet in the late spring at the same conference, but a month before, my wife intercepted a text and all hell broke loose! I came clean about this person and my past. It was an ugly scene, as expected, but after 3 days of yelling and crying and long silences, she wanted us to work out. As much as I wanted to bolt to my new “love”, everyone around me said don’t do it. Work it out with your wife. You need to try. I said ok, and said good-bye to my “online love”. It was gut-wrenching. My wife and I started marriage counseling. We began talking about our real issues. We finally got in the open what was causing problems and figured out ways to deal with them. Something inside her body got switched “on” and she went from being a shy, demure, nothing but missionary position sex and no oral girl, to a porn star! And things went this way for two months. But through it all, I missed my online love like crazy. I was dying inside…so… being the selfish prick I am…I started talking to her again. And this went on again. But we weren’t as “life is all roses and peaches when we talk” anymore. A dose of reality had hit us. But we kept talking because underneath it all we DID love each other! At the end of the summer, my wife could see what was going on and asked me to leave. I did. I moved out and began my life as someone I never thought I’d be: a single dad living in a ****ty apt. I left my house, kids, wife, cars and everything and started all over. In the meantime, my online love and her husband split. He wanted them to work, but she just didn’t see in him what she wanted for the rest of her life. So there we were…single and having all the time in the world to chat and plan ways to see each other (we live a 14 hour drive apart). But we didn’t. Not as much. Our conversations became strained and we started to fight online and on the phone. We were both still very much in love with each other, but the strain of our existing lives was having a serious affect on us. My wife… though ALL this ****, still wanted us to try and work. She could see where she went wrong, and what I did to piss her off. We both did individual counseling to try and get some clarity on our own lives. But no matter what, I couldn’t commit. WHY? Because I couldn’t let go of my online love. So we all went in circles until this past weekend. I met her. We finally got a week-end to be alone. To talk. To laugh. Cry. Yell. Fight. And make love. It was incredible to finally get all of it out of both of our systems. We were and I still believe, very much in love, but we had to say good-bye. What we were trying to keep alive was killing us. Even though we were both single, neither of us had moved on from our own lives, and this was part of it. So here’s the message. DON’T ****ING DO IT!!! It hurts. It hurts everyone around you as well as kills you on the inside. From day one it’s always been a very simple thing: you’re either in or you’re out, and yes, it really is that simple! Either fix what’s wrong with your marriage, or just ****ing end it! You CAN’T start something new until the old one dies. I fought for so long to keep my online love alive, but in the end it killed me, us, and my marriage. My wife never wants me back and good for her for saying that. I’ve been the most selfish prick in the world and she doesn’t deserve this! Online love affairs ARE a fantasy and as much as I fought it when people said it, it’s true! There’s SO MUCH EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE to ending a marriage, you have no idea. The idea that you’ll just walk away from it into the arms of your online love will NEVER work. Deal with what’s happening at home first. Then take time to mourn the loss if you do walk away. Then live your life alone until you can say you’re happy with what you’re doing. THEN, and ONLY THEN, can you be available for another! I’ve just learned all of this the stupid and hard way and have hurt so many people in the process. If my story can help ONE person, then that’s good. It’s not worth it. The pain is almost unbearable and I’m now going to go crawl into a bottle of Vodka. Peace.
Geishawhelk Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 'Nuff said. When you next decide to come out of the vodka bottle - stay out. And start again. Simplistic, I know, but actually, that's your choice. Stay drunken and befuddled, or pick yourself up, and, one step at a time, start walking. The first step is the hardest. But you've done worse.
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Drinking isn't going to make anything better in the long run, so instead of doing that, join a gym and workout instead. It's sad, your wife gave you many chances to work things out but you kept being tempted by the OW, I guess you now know the grass isn't greener.. Do counselling, fix yourself, try to start over.
Owl Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 So...where does all of this leave you marriage and family at this point? Are you still considering reconciling with them? What was your reasoning on ending your online affair? It sounded like you'd given up on reconciliation with your wife to me. So what's the plan going forward?
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 My wife never wants me back and good for her for saying that. I’ve been the most selfish prick in the world and she doesn’t deserve this! It sounds like his wife threw in the towel, had enough and he has no choice but to walk away from his wife and family life as he once knew it..
Author DaBastert Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 First off...wow...thanks for the concern about drinking. I am not like that at all and in fact I did get up this morning and work-out. At some point this week, I will get completely inebriated, but that's not my solution to a long-term problem. That'll be more out of self loathing than anything else. Today I see my future as an blank canvas. I will try to learn from my mistakes and do what I can to be a better person. I posted my story to try and help others based on my experience. I denied so much for so long and I'm trying to help people through my mistakes. I will NOT go back begging my wife for another chance. That's a cop out and she'll feel like #2 after all this time. No...she needs to be free of all this crap. She may come to realise that she's GLAD this happened since taking back a serial cheater may just have been a recipe for disaster and more pain. That's a risk I took and now need to deal with. I will always be in contact with her because of our kids, and if something grows for each other, it'll be new and it'll happen naturally. Not forced. As to the "grass being greener"...well... it was. There were problems in my marriage. The OW made me wake up and see it. Who knows...one day she and I may find each other again, but that can't happen until she deals with her life and gets to a happy place in it, as do I. I'll never consider even contacting her until a: I'm divorced and b: I don't NEED her in my life. (want is different) But that's not even worth talking about. People come into your life and go all the time. Like everyone says, I'm just taking today as step one. C
Sands_of_time Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I’ve spent the last several years attending a conference where I would meet various women and have a great time. Peace. DaBastert...good for you for coming out and coming to such a realization. I found your story quite interesting and I hope it helps others who contemplate the same thing. I'm assuming these conferences you went to were "singles" conferences? Where did you tell your wife you were for the week of the conference?
Author DaBastert Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 I'm assuming these conferences you went to were "singles" conferences? Where did you tell your wife you were for the week of the conference? Nope...industry conferences, and mostly married women. (Not all). I was involved in presenting etc, so going was easy. Plus my wife had no interest in hanging with people in my line of work. That's why originally said you'd be AMAZED at how many lonely people are out there. I guess I should have clarified. It was so easy to meet these women because we could all relate to our situations at home and what we all "perceived" to be missing. C
Spinning Head Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 DaBastert - It was so easy to meet these women because we could all relate to our situations at home and what we all "perceived" to be missing. So, were things truly wrong in your marriage or was there an incorrect perception that things were missing or wrong? I'm curious since you now can do a type of "Monday morning quarterbacking" on it all. Are you happy that the marriage is over - just unhappy at the way it ended?
Author DaBastert Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 So, were things truly wrong in your marriage or was there an incorrect perception that things were missing or wrong? I'm curious since you now can do a type of "Monday morning quarterbacking" on it all. Are you happy that the marriage is over - just unhappy at the way it ended? It's too early to tell. Until this week-end I'd been trying to keep my wife close enough that I COULD fall back, but I now see how selfish that was...and how much it hurt her! We need to let each other go. I can't pinpoint that there was ever anything specific wrong with my marriage but I do know that I've been looking for "something" for a very long time. Now I need to find out what "THAT" is. Hell...I may find it IS my wife I want and we need to fix some simple things, but I can't do that right now. I've just said good-bye to two people right now and I need alone time. So do they... Day by day for now... C
Sands_of_time Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 It's too early to tell. Until this week-end I'd been trying to keep my wife close enough that I COULD fall back, but I now see how selfish that was...and how much it hurt her! We need to let each other go. I can't pinpoint that there was ever anything specific wrong with my marriage but I do know that I've been looking for "something" for a very long time. Now I need to find out what "THAT" is. Hell...I may find it IS my wife I want and we need to fix some simple things, but I can't do that right now. I've just said good-bye to two people right now and I need alone time. So do they... Day by day for now...C Dabastert--thanks for sharing your story. Serial cheating may be a sign of something deeper going on inside yourself as opposed to something in your marriage. What are your thoughts on that? And what kind of woman is your wife? Can you describe what kind of person she is?
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 But the one thing our marriage always lacked was “passion” of any kind. We never fought. We never got “crazy” in the sack. We just cruised along seemingly happy for a LONG time. People always thought we were the perfect couple. But underneath the top layer something was wrong or missing... Unless you think you can find passion and deeply fall inlove with your wife again, like a husband should feel for his spouse, then there's no point in trying to save this marriage. Your wife deserves a chance at real love, as do you.. Just hope in time you both can put rough feelings aside and co-parent together, you'll always be part of eachothers lives because of your kids..
Author DaBastert Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Serial cheating may be a sign of something deeper going on inside yourself as opposed to something in your marriage. What are your thoughts on that? I agree 100% with that and that's what I plan to do. I was in IC for a long time and we scratched the surface of a few things, but I stopped going because she said things about me and the OW I didn't want to hear. Now I can be more objective. As to my wife...I'm not going to go into detail. She's a sweet, kind, warm wonderful person who never in a million years deserved to be treated like this. Some guy out there is going to think he hit the jackpot. C
65tr6 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 She's a sweet, kind, warm wonderful person who never in a million years deserved to be treated like this. Some guy out there is going to think he hit the jackpot. C i know you said your wife does not want you back, so you are just giving up ? Is that want you want ? Dont want to save your marriage ? I have hard time believing when you say both you and your wife are very much in love with each other and yet dont seem to care about saving your marriage. I dont think that is possible. Unless deep inside you both dont want it. I cannot blame your wife but seems like you are glad you are out of this marriage ?
Author DaBastert Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Today is Tuesday. This past week-end I said good-bye to the OW for good in person...someone I was convinced (and I still am a bit) was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Someone I wanted to grow old with. At the same time, by meeting this woman, my wife said "that's it. We're through!" So for two days I've been trying to deal with the loss of these two people. I have NO IDEA what I want...what my wife really wants or what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am a serial cheater and until I can deal with that, let go of the OW and be clear about a few things, I am of NO USE to anyone. I can't beg my wife back because I'm not sure if I WANT that life back. Sure I'm lonely as hell right now, but that's no reason to cling to something or someone. I'm trying to give her as much space as I give myself. Maybe that's naive of me, but I'm not running home just because I'm a scared and lonely person. Maybe I WILL wake up one day and realise my wife is, and always WAS the one. But right now I'm not there. C
Sands_of_time Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Today is Tuesday. This past week-end I said good-bye to the OW for good in person...someone I was convinced (and I still am a bit) was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Someone I wanted to grow old with. At the same time, by meeting this woman, my wife said "that's it. We're through!" So for two days I've been trying to deal with the loss of these two people. I have NO IDEA what I want...what my wife really wants or what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am a serial cheater and until I can deal with that, let go of the OW and be clear about a few things, I am of NO USE to anyone. I can't beg my wife back because I'm not sure if I WANT that life back. Sure I'm lonely as hell right now, but that's no reason to cling to something or someone. I'm trying to give her as much space as I give myself. Maybe that's naive of me, but I'm not running home just because I'm a scared and lonely person. Maybe I WILL wake up one day and realise my wife is, and always WAS the one. But right now I'm not there.C Damn sad, man. It must be difficult to be pulled in two different directions. It is good news that you aren't in denial about your behavior though. That's the first step is to recognize what you are doing. Many people don't make it this far so kudos. It seems you know what the right behavior is (cheating is bad), but your mind/willy won't allow you to stop the bad behavior. It's called cognitive dissonance (I know..psycho babble, but you get the idea) and being pulled in two different directions like that is where your anxiety, shame and potentially guilt come from. In order for the anxiety, shame and guilt to dissipate you have to pick a direction. Continue to cheat and that part of you is going to get satisfied. Or, you man up, take responsibility like you have been and committ to being committed. You can't go halfsies like you have been (being committed but serial cheating at the same time). You'll drive yourself mad AND hurt so many people while you do it. Man up, brother.
Author DaBastert Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 I am separated and living on my own and will continue to do so. I have no interest in dating, seeing anyone or screwing anyone. I see my kids every other day and alternate week-ends. I am devoting my time to them and volunteering at their school. I am putting all my energy back into work. I'm am simply "being" me. That's as "man up" as I can get What happens next? I'm not asking... C
JustBreathe Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Why do you sit in torment about whether you want your marriage or not, when your wife has already told you it is over. You made your choice when you reconnected with your OW. Doesn't your wife deserve to have a man who is committed to his marriage? You are clearly not that man. Let her go. She will not die. She will get over you and go on to live a happy life without having to deal with your cheating. Doesn't she deserve that much for having loved you and been a good wife all these years? Do the right thing.
Lizzie60 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I am separated and living on my own and will continue to do so. I have no interest in dating, seeing anyone or screwing anyone. I see my kids every other day and alternate week-ends. I am devoting my time to them and volunteering at their school. I am putting all my energy back into work. I'm am simply "being" me. That's as "man up" as I can get What happens next? I'm not asking... C Good for you.. I think you're doing exactly what you should do.. Good luck!
The Collector Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 You call yourself a serial cheater, but seem to be just talking about one affair. Were there others? Also, how old are your kids? Maybe you and your wife owe it to them to work things out.
Spinning Head Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 I think you are doing the right thing by being separated at this point. You need time to figure out what you want. It is a difficult time for everyone. Add to the list of things you are doing that you restart IC.
NoIDidn't Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Damn sad, man. It must be difficult to be pulled in two different directions. It is good news that you aren't in denial about your behavior though. That's the first step is to recognize what you are doing. Many people don't make it this far so kudos. It seems you know what the right behavior is (cheating is bad), but your mind/willy won't allow you to stop the bad behavior. It's called cognitive dissonance (I know..psycho babble, but you get the idea) and being pulled in two different directions like that is where your anxiety, shame and potentially guilt come from. In order for the anxiety, shame and guilt to dissipate you have to pick a direction. Continue to cheat and that part of you is going to get satisfied. Or, you man up, take responsibility like you have been and committ to being committed. You can't go halfsies like you have been (being committed but serial cheating at the same time). You'll drive yourself mad AND hurt so many people while you do it. Man up, brother. I agree. I think that cognitive dissonance is the reason for him being in the situation he's in to begin with. You know, getting married (is good) but being with several women anyway (is bad, but lets do it nonetheless) is probably where this stems from. Maybe there is an attitude that he grew up with that "wives are for children and stability" but "all men cheat" type deal. Most of the men in my family have that attitude and are NEVER happy. They refuse to test their false belief because it would mean denying themselves something they feel entitled to. But once they find themselves in the position of the OP, losing everything, THEN they decide to change - but still never challenging the belief that got them into that position to begin with. Its a very sad way to live. I hope the OP confronts this entitlement to breaking women's hearts in himself. Or he'll be hitting rock bottom a couple more times.
Author DaBastert Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Its a very sad way to live. I hope the OP confronts this entitlement to breaking women's hearts in himself. Or he'll be hitting rock bottom a couple more times. I'm trying...it's only day 2. I do NOT want to be like this. Please believe me when I say this!
cherrymoon Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I have learnt it doesn't matter a fig what people believe it is up to you to find yourself and believe in you. You and You wife might actually have a future as I see huge remorse and an understanding be it all a confused version of what has been going on in your head. Take time out go fix you understand your actions and honestly well done for not blaming your wife. My affair has made me realise a lot. Not sure what i will do with this realisation but luckily I have my marriage back after an awful lot of hurt and nearly 2 yrs of seperation. I am a million miles away from resolving the issues her but I have realised I want this more than i want anything else. Enjoy (i know) your time with yourself listen to your thoughts and don't worry about the Vodlka unless you are swimming in it daily. I know why I did what I did. I hope you find that clarity, it will hurt. Be happy today and be a good father to your children and respect your wife, she hurts so much right now.
NoIDidn't Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I'm trying...it's only day 2. I do NOT want to be like this. Please believe me when I say this! DB I'm not knocking you at all. I have watched men that I love very much go through exactly what you are now experiencing. I'm just stating the truth. If you don't get to the bottom of why you do this (serial cheating), you will go through this time and time again. That's all. And I believe you as nobody wants to feel what you are feeling right now. Its a process. Use it to make you better.
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