Breaking up hard to do. Should I, Shouldn't I, I can't do it, I can?

[pinksugar44]

I have been with the same guy for the last 2 1/2 years. We had a great relationship from the start, and then it started to turn a little sour. He started mis treating me, several times letting me down. He also had a run in with his ex and confessed his feelings to her which broke me. We ended up breaking up but of course got back together. Things were fine, but there was always some sort of problem. Don't get my wrong, when things are good, they are GREAT!

 

Within that time of being together again, he continuously broke up with me and shattered my heart. On a few occasions, I ended up sleeping with another guy because I was feeling hurt and unwanted. Ya, he was a fling rebound, but I was broken inside again. My ex found out and was furious, now saying I "cheated" even though he broke up with me!!

 

Regardless, each time we have gotten back together. He is very opinionated and sometimes harsh. He told me that he didn't want a relationship a few months ago and that if I couldn't accept it, I could leave.

 

Now the tables are turned. Even though we are "together", without the title, he has recently been wanting to start a relationship again. He has been acting like a boyfriend and asking me to try. A few weeks ago, I went out with my girlfriend and had a drunk kiss with some guy. He saw.

 

I feel horrible, but I don't think my heart is with it. It's not that I keep wanting to fool around, it's just I guess i'm looking for something more, or for my prince charming.

 

He treats me sometimes like i'm stupid, but has a way of making me feel like it was my fault, or I'm overreacting.

 

I love him with all my heart, he is my bestest friend, but I don't know what to do. It would literally KILL me to see him with someone else. I don't want to be lonely. I know it's selfish, but I feel like i'm staying with him to keep him from someone else.

 

Help, what to do in this situation? I'm torn and I don't even know if i have the strength to end things.

[Geishawhelk]

Listen, you're walking a fine line between being a little confused, and being a complete be-itch.

 

You are not 100% into this relationship, but really, you're yanking his chain and playing around with him.

 

If you think this is worth a shot, you need to consider counselling to make the good bit 95% and the bad bits at 5%.

A relationship takes effort and commitment. If you think you see this being a long-term deal, go counselling.

if not - then just go.

[pinksugar44]

ya i'm yanking his chain, but he did that to me for months. I sat around, waited and cryed the whole time.

 

I feel angry because now that the tables are turned, it's like i'm the devil for doing the same thing he did to me

[Geishawhelk]

This is no way to conduct a relationship. He did, I did, he said, I said, he screwed, i screwed.... it's unhealthy, vindictive and spiteful.

Be a woman, be dignified, be considerate.

Either end it now, or fix it, but don't be-itch about, it doesn't become you.

It's not clever, it's not pretty, and it's really not the right thing to do.

[pinksugar44]

but how do I find the strength to do it? I know I'm being selfish, but I don't know if I can lose not only my lover, but my best friend. I know deep down inside that I am still so young (only 21) and that I have a lot of growing up to do, and I know i'm not as happy as I should be. I look around at all these guys treating there girlfriends like gold, and I feel like i'm missing that. But i'm also scared i won't find someone else. I mixed up as hell, sometimes it's not easy to say your going to just break up.

[Geishawhelk]

but how do I find the strength to do it?

 

It's not a question of finding strength. You already have that. What you lack is will-power.

If you had a dog tied up in the yard, that had bitten you a couple of times, would you tie him up on a chain, beat him with a long stick, and put his food just out of reach? Of course you wouldn't. It's mean, cruel and senseless.

Ok, so this guy might have been a crabby dog and bitten you - but 2 wrongs don't make a right and what you're doing is tantamount to the dog-owner.

Cut it out.

Stop.

Just stop.

Just think.

Every action now goes to make up your reputation. Decide what kind of reputation you'd like to have.

 

 

I know I'm being selfish, but I don't know if I can lose not only my lover, but my best friend.

This is cr*p. he's not your best friend. He's a prop. You're using him, and people don't do this to their best friends. And you need girls, as best friends, because guys you have sex with can never be best friends. They're friends-with-history....

 

I know deep down inside that I am still so young (only 21) and that I have a lot of growing up to do,

Well you're not going to do it like this, are you?

 

and I know i'm not as happy as I should be. I look around at all these guys treating there girlfriends like gold, and I feel like i'm missing that.

 

Oh please. you're generalising...look around this forum at all the relationships issues, and know that all of this isn't fiction. So all these people you see in golden relationships is just your wishful thinking and envy. You think you're in the only relationship with issues? Give me a break!! Everyone has stuff they're dealing with! Don't polarise and assume.

 

But i'm also scared i won't find someone else. I mixed up as hell, sometimes it's not easy to say your going to just break up.

 

You are far too young to be thinking like this. But you are needy. You've formed a dependency on this relationship. You're not in it because you love. you're in it because you want to be loved.

Big difference.

Be on your own for a while and get to like yourself, appreciate yourself and accept yourself.

The sooner you do this, the sooner others will too.

 

All you have to do is say -

"This relationship is not healthy. I think we need to break up."

And don't be convinced otherwise....

 

yeh, right.....

[astoldbyme]

No matter what you decide make sure your happy. I'm trying to learn that we can't change our men we can only change the way we allow ourselves to feel when where with them.

 

Is there a prince out there, who knows. All I know is that settling for mr. maybe doesn't bring your self esteem back. I tried to get my guy to stop drinking, and being mean. When he is good he is wonderful but when he is mean it hurts so deep. He has control of how he acts with you and you control how much you will deal with.

 

If he treat you unkindly, it is not your fault, he choses to do so.

[ejc]

He treats me sometimes like i'm stupid, but has a way of making me feel like it was my fault, or I'm overreacting.

To me, this is a huge red flag.

 

If I would raise what I thought was a valid concern with my ex, he was able to nitpick over every little detail until it seemed like everything was my fault. I might have spoken to him about the fact that he did nothing when his friend was rude to me but I'd end up having to apologize for not considering his feelings.

 

Not healthy. Even if he does think you're overreacting, he needs to be able to address the issue without belittling you or making you feel stupid. That's not how we treat people that we love.