Star Gazer Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I begin to think there is someone better out there for me who is worthy of me. I was talking to my mom and she said I am selling myself short. Your mother is a very smart woman.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 You can love someone with all your heart and they still aren't right for marriage. This is someone you will potentially be spending the rest of your life with, day in, day out. You want those days to run as smoothly as possible. Does he sound like someone who will make that possible?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 You can love someone with all your heart and they still aren't right for marriage. This is someone you will potentially be spending the rest of your life with, day in, day out. You want those days to run as smoothly as possible. Does he sound like someone who will make that possible? I don't think so. We have a ton of good days, but then we have the bad. He just sent me a text message saying "Let's not fight." I haven't responded yet...
Tomcat33 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Lauriebelle, aside from agreeing with what all the ladies are telling you (only read the last few pages since now it is not so much about the original OP) I am going to say this: marriage is not a separate "magical entity". The act of marriage is not something independent of what you already have it is just another added pressure to what you already have. In some ways you may think marriage will calm your insecurities in terms of settling what this man truly feels for you. In turn he may feel like it will get you off his back for proposing but after the excitement of the "we are actually going to do it" passes which probably lasts about a few days after the engmnt ring is put on, the reality sets in and whatever you have with him now in terms of how you relate and engage each other and all the negative aspects that tie you down, will ONLY compound with the responsibility of marriage added on to that. Marriage is NEVER a solution to a rocky relationship, it makes it WORSE, WAY WORSE. I know it's hard for you to see this being in the situation, in life some people are simply not right for us. Just because you love someone it doesn't mean they are good for us or that the relationship is a good enough one for us.
Star Gazer Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I don't think so. We have a ton of good days, but then we have the bad. He just sent me a text message saying "Let's not fight." I haven't responded yet... Funny he said that. I just perused the titles of all your threads, and clicked on those that stood out... you guys have fought consistently throughout your entire relationship - do you realize that? He's repeatedly told you that you have a temper/anger problem, and you always seem to question why fighting is a bad thing. Have you ever taken an evening to go back through and read each one of your threads? I've done that before as to my own relationships. I think you might find it really enlightening. You're simply not compatible, LB. Neither one of you can change who you are at your core.
unacceptable62 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 9. Puts his friends before you ("guys night" and now the Super Bowl) - SELFISH, IMMATURE I know that she said her boyfriend does it excessively, but having a guy's night is not selfish on its own. Much like going to Las Vegas with your friend is not selfish (as long as it's done with moderation).
unacceptable62 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 You left out: 12. Teases her with wedding questions but then says it'll be a "surprise" and makes her feel bad for wanting to talk about it. Aww, come on! I like to tease my girlfriend with it too. She came down here for the weekend and I took her on a walk around campus and acted like I was going to get down on one knee. It's all done out of fun.
unacceptable62 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Also, I don't see anything wrong with him enjoying playing his strategy game with friends. If he really enjoys that, it would be unfair for you to make him stop. Just like it would be unfair for him to tell you you can't go to Vegas. There seems to be a great deal of hatred towards her boyfriend, but you do have to keep in mind that you are getting a biased (and sometimes angry) view of him. Playing with figurines is not bad when you consider what else he could be doing with his time. Besides, you want to be more independent, right? Go out with your friends if he is sitting at home playing with his friends.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 The guy plays for up to 9 hours at a time. Please.
MindoverMatter Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 unacceptable: What might be fun to some might be painful for others. I agree with everybody who speaks about incompatibility issues. Those I see as well, and have seen them from the very beginning. Also, I don't like somebody with a simple "let's not fight" stance, unless it is coupled with an attempt to talk and resolve things in a good, nonemotional way. However, I see that most of the talking, resolving, compromising, trying, thinking and feeling comes form LBs side. Boyfriend only wants to keep the perceived nagging at a low level and push the issues aside. I think he has absolutely no plan on asking LB to marry her, thus he also doesn't have a surprise planned. He is happy with the status quo and probably loves LB very much. But it is not in his nature to plan ahead and focus on a family. This is, however, very much part of who LB is. You two were in a distance relationship. Many issues were never brought to the table because they simply never mattered or were put in the back. Now you live a "normal", constant relationship with bf and can't ignore those things any longer. He, on the other hand, seems relatively focused on doing just that. I think you are in love, your feelings are deep and real, but neither of you really knew the other inside out when you moved in together. Just imagine you'd have married him before living with him. Can you imagine leading a life like this, full of constant struggle? Do you want to?
unacceptable62 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 The guy plays for up to 9 hours at a time. Please. Again, was he forcing her to stay there? Could she have gone and been with her friends for the whole day? (I don't know the answers to these questions). But being without the person that you live with for 9 hours is not a big deal at all.
MindoverMatter Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 @warhammer: It depends on how often he plays. Afaik a game usually lasts this long. As I said it's a strategic game, you could pause it theoretically, but it takes way too much space, so most prefer to play once every couple of months or so. Which would be okay. It equals one day of leisure time without the partner every couple of months. Come on, that's reasonable.
unacceptable62 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Oh, most definitely. I am clearly running with the assumption that it only happens once every few months.
unacceptable62 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I am not condoning his actions. Those were pretty low moves, but to dismiss guys nights as selfish? That's what I was getting at.
Star Gazer Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I know that she said her boyfriend does it excessively, but having a guy's night is not selfish on its own. Much like going to Las Vegas with your friend is not selfish (as long as it's done with moderation). You know NOTHING about the background of the "guy's weekend." He kicked her out of the apartment they SHARE in order to have this "guy's weekend." But being without the person that you live with for 9 hours is not a big deal at all. Did you read how that came about? They went (as a couple) to visit his parents. Rather than spend their couple time with his parents as planned, he chose to spend NINE hours playing a game, while letting LB just sit there and watch. He puts his friends and stupid games first, that's for damn sure.
Star Gazer Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I am not condoning his actions. Those were pretty low moves, but to dismiss guys nights as selfish? That's what I was getting at. We've been reading about LB's relationship for over two years. I suggest you go do a search for her threads and do the same before you come to his defense. He IS selfish. Even this SuperBowl act alone is selfish.
unacceptable62 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Sigh. I was injecting my own opinion into the standalone statement that a guy's weekend is selfish. I did not know that you meant it regarding one specific event (after all, "guy's weekend" is a very vague term).
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 Oh, most definitely. I am clearly running with the assumption that it only happens once every few months. No, a few times per month. He also reads his ork book all the time and takes them out of storage to paint them. Truthfully though, it's not about the orks. I feel like he neglects me to play orks with his friends. I really hate his friends, that another issue. Like this guy who invited himself over..and he has so much influence over my BF. It's like these guys put pressure on him to "ditch his old lady." (i'm sure that's what they call me). It's funny that all the males have a different perspective. I guess guys stick together.
unacceptable62 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 Fair enough, it was just a matter of miscommunication on my part. I also still don't think that playing warhammer is a bad thing. Question: when y'all went to see his parents, was it at a place far away? Was he playing with friends that he never sees, or were they the same people he sees all the time?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 Fair enough, it was just a matter of miscommunication on my part. I also still don't think that playing warhammer is a bad thing. Question: when y'all went to see his parents, was it at a place far away? Was he playing with friends that he never sees, or were they the same people he sees all the time? Yes, it was 5 hours away. His one friend from his hometown lives in our city ("Superbowl friend") so he sees him frequently. The other guys he sees every couple months. We go home for a lot of holidays and they have come here a few times. Granted they DON'T see each other every week, which is why I'm okay with him going to hang out with them, but 9 hours is a little excessive don't ya think?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 I agree with Star's suggestion of reading past threads. We are talking about THIS guy and THESE circumstances, not just your run-of-the-mill "guy's nights out." We all know guys need to blow off steam with their friends sometimes. No one has a problem with that. I have. I pretty much memorized the ones I've posted so I don't even need to go back and check. I think his "close bond" with his freinds freaks me out, scares me, he puts them ahead of me, ect.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Posted January 30, 2009 They don't all think the same, LB. My guy was telling me of a time when he was young and he and all his young guy friends and their wives were together. The guys wanted to "ditch the wives," just exACTly like you said, and my guy told them, "I like my wife. Why would I want to ditch her?" He's just that way. Yeah, my ex boyfriend was that way too. He would NEVER ditch me for anyone. Too bad he was a liar and a deadbeat. He was sweet though and wasn't real hung up on his friends so we didn't argue. Man I wish I could combine traits from both guys into one boyfriend.
unacceptable62 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 ^^I think she was speaking to me. And yes, if it was with people that he sees often enough, that was a bit of a dickish thing to do. Especially since you really had no other option other than having to endure it. I really do wish that I had the time to re-read everything you have posted, but it seems like an awful lot to do.
Star Gazer Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 I really do wish that I had the time to re-read everything you have posted, but it seems like an awful lot to do. With all due respect, if you have time to post, you have time to read.
unacceptable62 Posted January 30, 2009 Posted January 30, 2009 (Disclaimer: I have not read this, don't jump down my throat if this has already been answered) Have you sat him down and talked to him about how you wish that he would put you ahead of his friends? If he is really as bad as you make him out to be, I don't understand why you haven't left yet. Surely there are some good traits that are keeping you around. For curiosity's sake, what are they?
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