Trialbyfire Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 LB, don't twist my words around. It's annoying. I'm point blank telling you that: Independence is good.Extreme action can shock.Be prepared for his reaction, which might be negative.If you're prepared for all that and willing to accept both good or bad consequences, it's your life how you choose to handle this.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Why is a stripper dirty and skanky? You have to ask? Besides, the point was, if he can go get watch other women take their clothes off and more than likely get boobs in his face, then the very least she should be able to do without feeling guilty about it is wear a freakin' nice dress and look good.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 My concern about the strip club was not that he would cheat. Oh I'm not saying he would or that he did. But if he can watch women taking their clothes off, then he has nothing to say about you wearing a particular type of dress.
mr.dream merchant Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 You have to ask? Besides, the point was, if he can go get watch other women take their clothes off and more than likely get boobs in his face, then the very least she should be able to do without feeling guilty about it is wear a freakin' nice dress and look good. I've never really looked at strippers who do just that, strip, as skanky/whorish. The ones who walk around giving lap dances, and then some for +++ cash are skanky and whorish but the ones who stick to the pole never really strike me as that. I guess I'm a bit jaded?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I think women who call strippers skanky and whorish may have issues with expressing their own sexuality. But that's not the point of the thread. Lauribell, wear whatever makes you comfortable. It's fun to feel pretty and sexy. It doesn't mean you are going to cheat on your boyfriend. If he brings up the subject again, I would sit down and ask him what exactly is making him uncomfortable? And please, no modeling of the outfits. It's like you were seeking his approval, and since he knew that, he used the opportunity to gain a little control.
Star Gazer Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 He'd never sleep with anyone who'd been with a huge amount of guys. Why are you assuming that a Vegas stripper has slept with a ton of guys? I actually knew one in law school. She literally flew to Vegas every weekend to strip, and then was back to go to law school M-F. She was hardly a whore, and she graduated without any student loans. I think women who call strippers skanky and whorish may have issues with expressing their own sexuality. I couldn't agree more.
movingonandon Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I'm not *over* it persay, but like that book said he's taking advantage of the fact that I'm so accessible to him. I love him so much, I truley don't want to leave him. I'm just afraid I'll end up like my friend. She has been with her boyfriend for 6 years and they have an 18 month old child. He will not marry her. She is so desperate and miserable, she basically hates him but wants to marry him so her daughter will have married parents. I don't want to end up so resentful that I hate him for not being ready. And that's why guys are paranoid of marriage, not to hijack the thread. When getting married becomes a mission (for the girl), guys sense it and avoid it at all costs, because essentially you're saying "I love you, but not enough to be happy to be with you, regardless of whether we get married or not". As with most other things, the surer way to get married is to make this relationship wonderful, but be ambivalent about marriage. He doesn't "owe" marrying you, and since you'll only be getting madder and madder, why not use that clingy dress and hook up with somebody new after all :laugh:
Jersey Shortie Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Your boyfriend isn't being fair. It's okay for him to strip clubs but not okay for you to wear a cute dress? Sorry, that's not fair or right. Wear what you want. He made you deal with him going to strip clubs so he needs to deal with you doing this. I find guys to have double standards on this issue. It's okay for them to ogle and give other women attention for the way they look but it's not okay for his woman to get ogled or have male attention given to her. Lame.
Star Gazer Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Hey LB, something just occurred to me. Is there anything about your BF's dating history which may make him panic as a result of your new found independence? This switcheroo of behavior might cause him to freak if one of his ex's did the same thing (drastically changed her attitude/behavior) but for a different reason (e.g., a symptom of cheating). We know a lot about your history, but not your BF's...
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 Didn't mean to offend anyone with the stripper comment. I just heard stories of strippers giving lap dances for money in Vegas. Those are the girls I was talking about not just ones who "stick to the pole." I know ALL strippers aren't skanks. Anyway, to answer SG: He really has minimal dating history. He had one other serious relationship when he was 20 years old and still in college. It was a girl from his hometown. They were together a year 1/2 and it was long distance. They didn't really see much of each other, really only on breaks because he went to college 5 hours away. He did tell me he was really in love with her, but towards the end of their relationship they started fighting all the time. She cheated on him with some rich doctor. Apparently she was not very smart, didn't get into college anywhere or anything. His best friend told me a little about her, he said she had huge breasts: DD! His next serious relationship after her: me, 5 years later. So I think maybe that is why he is a little far behind in the whole serious relationship game. I don't know if she "acted differently" I think they just fought a lot because he didn't get to see her that often. He never told me any of the gorey details or anything so I really don't know. But being needy and dependent pisses him off..he calls it "pouting." So wouldn't independence be better?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 LB, don't twist my words around. It's annoying. I'm point blank telling you that:Independence is good.Extreme action can shock.Be prepared for his reaction, which might be negative.If you're prepared for all that and willing to accept both good or bad consequences, it's your life how you choose to handle this. Can you explain what you mean by "extreme shock"? Why would he go into shock by having me be more independent? I thought guys didn't like needy and dependent girls.
carhill Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Not TBF but I would define an "extreme action" from my spouse (in your case GF) as one completely out of character based on my perception of her personality, psyche and the dynamic of our relationship.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 Not TBF but I would define an "extreme action" from my spouse (in your case GF) as one completely out of character based on my perception of her personality, psyche and the dynamic of our relationship. Thanks for responding. Now I kind of see what you mean about "extreme action." I really don't want to change my personality. He loves me now, maybe he could do without SOME of the neediness, but I don't know if he would want a girlfriend/wife who always acts independent, does her own thing, doesn't go out of their way. And to tell you teh truth, that's really not me. I LOVE him more than anything, and I like doing nice things for him. I like telling him I love him everyday. I love treating him to dinner or picking something up at the store. Oh, I made him DINNER last night!! It's the busy season now for accountants so he worked until like 8:30pm. I made him grilled chicken and I heated up olive oil mixed with dressing and poured it over the chicken. I also made him mash potatoes and put everything in the fridge for him so he'd have dinner when he got home. It actually was great!!! I liked cooking it. I really didn't even think I would. It wasn't that hard either! I kind of just made up the recipe myself. So maybe I do some "needy" things some times, but thats what I do in relationships. I comitt to someone and give them my love. i think I do need to "back up" a little bit. (asking when he'll be home, giving him a hard time about going places without me) Those sorts of things he doesn't like. He's just not ready to get married, and I don't think I'm going to be able to "change suddenly" so that he will. Thanks guys, you are awesome!!!
Dexter Morgan Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 And please, no modeling of the outfits. It's like you were seeking his approval, and since he knew that, he used the opportunity to gain a little control. As if he didn't already try to gain the upper hand in the relationship already with his past actions. With the things he put LB through in the past, he has nothing to say about what she wears in Vegas. Otherwise he is a complete and total hypocrite.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Your boyfriend isn't being fair. It's okay for him to strip clubs but not okay for you to wear a cute dress? Sorry, that's not fair or right. Wear what you want. He made you deal with him going to strip clubs so he needs to deal with you doing this. I find guys to have double standards on this issue. It's okay for them to ogle and give other women attention for the way they look but it's not okay for his woman to get ogled or have male attention given to her. Lame. I agree with all the above. Very well said.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 As if he didn't already try to gain the upper hand in the relationship already with his past actions. Yeah, that's one of the things that are going to change. He is all about equality (finances/money, chores, gas, ect.). Well there needs to be equal control then. With the things he put LB through in the past, he has nothing to say about what she wears in Vegas. Otherwise he is a complete and total hypocrite. I don't know about hypocrit, but he does contradict himself a lot. Especially his actions.
carhill Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Now I kind of see what you mean about "extreme action." I'll give an example based on MY perception of you. If your breasts found their way out of that very nice dress while you were out in public with your female friends, I might consider that an extreme action. Now, that same action by my wife down at the river with her female friends.... normal behavior :D I think, as you age, you become a bit more relaxed about such things and assign them appropriate importance in the very complex journey that is life. I'm happy to read positive postings from you. There is hope for our youth yet
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 I'll give an example based on MY perception of you. If your breasts found their way out of that very nice dress while you were out in public with your female friends, I might consider that an extreme action. Now, that same action by my wife down at the river with her female friends.... normal behavior :D I think, as you age, you become a bit more relaxed about such things and assign them appropriate importance in the very complex journey that is life. I'm happy to read positive postings from you. There is hope for our youth yet Yeah, that is TOTALLY not me. I think he knows that I would never betray him like that. Plus, you guys are right that he doesn't have any right to give me a hard time about our trip when he went to Vegas for a bachelor party with a bunch of drunken horny bachelors. And our trip is COMPLETELY different. My best friend is married and loves her husband so much. She would never in a million years betray him. Are guys going to hit on us? Probably. Are we going to do anything about it? No way. I really hope he knows that. I think the dress is a symbol of his insecurity bc he knows I'm a beautiful girl and will get hit on. He doesn't like the idea of that I guess.
carhill Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 I think the dress is a symbol of his insecurity bc he knows I'm a beautiful girl and will get hit on. He doesn't like the idea of that I guess. Yes, this is reasonable. Inspire his confidence in you, in your character. This is the delineation between action and intent. BTW, in my example, my wife called me and told me and we laughed about it. I told her about my memory of one of her friend's (the same guy she flashed) wives flashing me at river when we were out boating. I told her "I guess we're even now" with a laugh. Like with Vegas, what goes on at the river stays at the river Relax, enjoy yourself, and turn off the psychologist brain for this trip. Trust me
Trialbyfire Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Your b/f being cheated on is a salient point. Inconsistency or change of behavioural patterns can trip negative triggers. It's not only your dress and trip to Vegas, but what's being mentioned within this thread about not caring if he goes out, etc. If there are many indicators of such, who knows what he could potentially be thinking. Once again, I'm not suggesting that this will necessarily blow up or that independence is bad. I strongly encourage independence, as you well know. I'm suggesting a more cautious handling of the situation. Ease into any behavioural changes v. having him hit a wall of change.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 Your b/f being cheated on is a salient point. Inconsistency or change of behavioural patterns can trip negative triggers. It's not only your dress and trip to Vegas, but what's being mentioned within this thread about not caring if he goes out, etc. If there are many indicators of such, who knows what he could potentially be thinking. Once again, I'm not suggesting that this will necessarily blow up or that independence is bad. I strongly encourage independence, as you well know. I'm suggesting a more cautious handling of the situation. Ease into any behavioural changes v. having him hit a wall of change. How do I "ease into it?" He is def. noticing the change in me, he has commented on it a few times. He told me he was going snowboarding the one weekend and I usually say "aww, okay but that's our quality time together." Instead I said "Okay cool honey, have fun!" He looked at me like I was nuts and asked me why I wasn't "moping."
Trialbyfire Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 How do I "ease into it?" He is def. noticing the change in me, he has commented on it a few times. He told me he was going snowboarding the one weekend and I usually say "aww, okay but that's our quality time together." Instead I said "Okay cool honey, have fun!" He looked at me like I was nuts and asked me why I wasn't "moping." What was your response?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Posted January 29, 2009 What was your response? "It's fine if you want to go be with friends, I have stuff to do today too. Maybe if you get back early enough we can go out to dinner."
carhill Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 He looked at me like I was nuts and asked me why I wasn't "moping." Your response had changed from the usual tape in his head regarding such. Men have these tapes which they put in boxes. Situation arises, man pulls tape out of box; plays tape. It's a comfort zone. You moved him out of his comfort zone and he has to make a new tape to put in the "I'm going snowboarding" box. The important thing is that your words to him were honest. The tapes don't lie, if you get my psychological meaning
hotgurl Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 but the thing is he said he wanted her to be more independent and go out more etc... Maybe if he makes another comment just tell him you took him up on his advice to get your own life. I always had the feeling thought that he likes you pinning away waiting for him to come home even though he complains about it.
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