Time to say Goodbye?

[Jordi]

I am new to this but could really use some advice. I'll try to keep it short. I have been in a relationship for 7 months. The first two or so I was in the same country. Then I had to leave for a year which I made them aware of and although I wasn't sure about it we decided to try to make it work. Once i'd decided I was 100% committed to trying to make it work and at first it went well. However coming up to christmas things were strained for a number of reasons many of them external issues. But the kind of issues that can't help but have an impact on the relationship. The type of issues include finanical problems, serious family issues and self esteem issues. This seemed to be compounded by lack of communication. The more I tried to get to the bottom of it the more we seemed to argue and the less we seemed to really talk.

 

I came home for christmas and things at first seemed good but after a week or so we were arguing again and everything seemed to be at breaking point. I've gone back abroad now and he is keeps saying he doesn't want to break up, yet. That he isn't sure what he wants with respect to me and everything else in his life. But in the mean time he's lied to me, ignored me for no real reason, not been there for me and it's got to the point where I don't even know who he is anymore.

 

I'm now at the point where i'm avoiding talking to him which is pretty easy with a LD relationship because I don't know what to do. I can't seem to stop loving him despite all the horrible things he's done. I know his life is hard and I don't want to paint him as a monster. But I know this is not healthy for me. I'm just not sure if I can get my head around the idea of not having him in my life anymore. I know that a lot of our problems are external which is frustrating but then I think that is life, and if we can't deal with the problems now without the relationship falling apart what's the point.

 

I suppose I know that it's time to say goodbye because I keep killing myself trying to make this work and I honestly am getting to the point that I don't think he even cares. But it just hurts so much to think it's completely over and I keep trying to think what can I do to fix it.

 

This was the first relationship I really let myself trust someone and fall in love completely and the way he's been acting just feels like a complete rejection. I'm not really sure how to come back from it and I can't help wishing that I'd listened to my gut instinct and just ended it all before I left and just stayed friends or whatever.

 

Anyhow sorry for rambling but I would really appreciate any advice you feel you might be able to give me.

[Geishawhelk]

......he is keeps saying he doesn't want to break up, yet. That he isn't sure what he wants with respect to me and everything else in his life. But in the mean time he's lied to me, ignored me for no real reason, not been there for me and it's got to the point where I don't even know who he is anymore.

Indecision of this kind will get you nowhere.

I'

m afraid he's playing you to keep you dangling, but it doesn't seem like a very good relationship to begin with. Why are you holding on?

 

 

I'm now at the point where i'm avoiding talking to him which is pretty easy with a LD relationship because I don't know what to do. I can't seem to stop loving him despite all the horrible things he's done.

 

This.... tied to this....

 

This was the first relationship I really let myself trust someone and fall in love completely

 

.....tells me it's not love, so much as a desperate desire to keep it right. Except it isn't because you can't. You're looking for the ideal of a love that simply isn't there.....

 

and the way he's been acting just feels like a complete rejection. I'm not really sure how to come back from it and I can't help wishing that I'd listened to my gut instinct and just ended it all before I left and just stayed friends or whatever.

 

Your gut is still talking.

Try listening.

I think you need to just draw it to a close and have done with it.

no point chucking bad emotions after worse......

[jhiggins]

I'm very familiar with the kind of pain and apparent "love" you are feeling for him. I've had those same feelings for women in past relationships. These feelings are very hard to deal with and can often lead us in the wrong direction.

 

It's always hard to give advice in these situations because there is most likely more to the story than you were able to describe above. I will say this: strong feelings of 'love' in an undeveloped relationship, I have found, are really just forms of infatuation. Before I married, I learned to regard these feelings as just an annoying presence. They are strong emotional feelings, but insignificant none the less. Real love, IMHO, is not a feeling but an action. I would focus your energies on what's happening with you here and now. After all, what is happening right now this very second is your 'real' life. I think if you do this, you will find that this guy will drift out of your life and into insignificance.

 

Jonathan

[Jordi]

Thanks for the advice. It is difficult to convey a whole relationship in a small amount of words but your experiences are probably not so off the mark. I don't doubt that it's love, though I think he can't be in love with me anymore the way he's treating me, but then I know from experience that often you hurt the people you love most worse than anyone else can.

 

I think his worse flaw is that he is selfish and think how badly his actions hurt me. He always appologises and he's taken back the wanting to break up and said he's sure now and didn't mean the things he said etc, but I don't believe him and even if I do I know that is no guarantee he won't do it again.

 

I think the hardest thing for me is i'm far from home and he's been not just a good boyfriend but a good friend until recently. I could tell him anything and he would tell me everything and i've grown dependent upon him and lazy about making friends or living in the "present". I've generally just wanted to get through this year and get back home. So now I really need to get a 101 in how I get over this quickly or at least so i can cope and concentrate on the rest of my life. I have one week to become certain about this. Plus i've never been very good at break-ups and I'm not sure how to do a LD breakup. Right now i'm tempted to just write an email but i'm pretty sure that's unacceptable but I can't talk to him because my resolve isn't strong enough and it will end up like the last time i tried and ended up in this sort of limbo situation.

[Geishawhelk]

An e-mail is acceptable, if you know the alternative won't stick.

 

A word of advice:

The minute you send the e-mail, engineer everything you can to block his message back to you. Consign it to spam, and never ever check.

I'm serious.

If necessary, change your password, (and get a friend to do this for you) and open a separate account.

Delete his e-mail address from your address book, and block him on your mobile 'phone too. (Ask your provider if it's possible. It is on mine....)

If you can't do that, then change his name in your mobile phone to - Donot answerthiscall!!

and delete all texts and voicemails....

Do not IM him, MSN, SMS, DIS, SOS, USS, or any other 'S' for that matter....!!

 

Go immediate no contact.

Tell him, in your e-mail, that you are doing this, for your sanity and well being, and peace of mind. And his too. Ask him to not contact you nd to please move on.

And then - leave him alone.

Always.

Don't contact him again, because it just rips your heart and yanks his chain.

You have to do this.

You really do, you have to.

Ask anyone here.

[Jordi]

Thank you Geishawhelk,

 

I've done NC a few times although I didn't know as much about the concept as I now do having had a good look on the site. There were only two times when it significantly affected me. The first because he fell in love with me and although I thought he was a great friend and wanted him in my life I didn't feel the same and after 3+ years of trying I couldn't make the just friends thing work and I knew (sounds really vein) that he wouldn't be able to get over me properly unless I got out of his life. I think he must have realised the same because he hasn't tried to get in contact with me either and it's been nearly 6 months now so don't feel bad about it because I think he understands on some level.

 

Second guy was awful to me complete user, manipulative, arrogant, selfish, I could go on! But the point is I realised as I went back to him a good few times before last Jan coming to the decision that he was an awful person and my life could only be the better for not having him in it.

 

I guess my point is this situation is so different. I feel like maybe it is over but as I’ve read on here that maybe after some initial NC and I’m being realistic (so at least 4 months) maybe we could have some kind of relationship. I just hate the idea of never knowing what's going on with him, never having the friendship.

 

Maybe a NC buddy would be the way forward? I guess I’m going to give myself this week with NC to get my head around what I want and need and then talk to him once I’m decided or email if I don't think I’m up to that. My life is going to get pretty hectic here by next week anyway so I guess that will help with the NC resolve. Sorry I’ve gone on I think writing this is helping me resolve my own mind more than anything.

 

Wish me luck!