Author amaysngrace Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 I would encourage them to have a relationship/contact/stay in touch with their Dad, but I wouldn't force it. That's not your responsiblity. I would set some "rules of engagement" in letting him/her know that they can say whatever, and call you whatever what they wanted to, but not in front of the children, and that the children were not to be used as pawns. That they can be 100% against you, but collectively the three of you are 100% there for the children. You're right Gunny. I mentioned it to my son that maybe he should call his dad. My eleven year old son replied "He knows how to call us if he wants to talk to us. Caitlin can if she wants" I had no idea how my son felt about all of this. He's not happy with him at all. I guess why should he be? All dad does is put him down. He says "if you don't get all As and Bs on your report card you're coming to live with me and not low Bs either"...crap like that. Both of the kids got all As and Bs first marking period. Plus not only that dad and the wife told the kids they would give them money for any As and Bs they received. First off that's frowned upon by the educators in my community. Dad would know it if he ever showed up for back-to-school night or parent/teacher conferences. I told him when and where for all of them. But worse than that is they lied to the kids. They didn't give them jack for their good grades. I really guess my child does have good cause to be angry with his dad. I haven't checked my mail today. I hope there is not a complaint for custody sitting in my mailbox. But on a bright note I did find out that I can file a complaint if need be to make them stop bad mouthing me. One judge in NJ awarded one parent monetary compensation because the other parent alienated them from the children. How about that?
Author amaysngrace Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 He once told me that he wanted my son to live with him and I just laughed in his face and told him after a week he would go crazy as it is not easy to raise children and lose your own life! It is the truth. The kids go every other weekend. They have soccer games only in spring and fall yet for some reason neither she nor he can see to it that they get to their soccer games on "their" weekends. They really have no clue.
Gunny376 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 It is the truth. The kids go every other weekend. They have soccer games only in spring and fall yet for some reason neither she nor he can see to it that they get to their soccer games on "their" weekends. They really have no clue. I'd would be getting on their @ss about that!
Gunny376 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 You're right Gunny. I mentioned it to my son that maybe he should call his dad. My eleven year old son replied "He knows how to call us if he wants to talk to us. Caitlin can if she wants" I had no idea how my son felt about all of this. He's not happy with him at all. As I said, its not your job nor responsibility to force your children, but I would have stopped him in his tracks and set him straight that it was as much his responsibility to hold up his side of the relationship. Push-pull, give and take. That the problems between you and him aren't his problems! There's a lot going on here, the DS and DD are siding with you ~ they're primary provider. That's natural. But the son is also trying to take on the role of your "proctector" and that's a lot for an 11 year old to take on, and is not his job. His job is to be a 11 year old boy. The soccer thing I can understand, being as he's a general manager of a car dealership. It was rough the six months I was in it as a salesman back in 98, I can just imagine how hard it is now. Of course the SM is half~@zzed interested in getting the kids to thier games. So it comes down to this: The day-to-day well being and needs of the children. Your relationship with the children Their Dad's relationship with them And the pyschological impact of such. Be very protective of such!
Author amaysngrace Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 But the son is also trying to take on the role of your "proctector" and that's a lot for an 11 year old to take on, and is not his job. His job is to be a 11 year old boy. I know it. He's been like that even as a small child. Dad would come home in a mood and my son, who was probably four at the time, would automatically get between his dad and me. There was a lot of domestic violence in our home. The dad and I have a lot of conflict here. He wants him to be very grown up in a military type fashion, no offense, and I see to it that he upholds his main responsibilities but I do allow for free time for him to play with friends or whatever. I figure you are only a child once and a grown up forever so I do try to allow my children to be kids. Dad has this whole other mindset. So it comes down to this: The day-to-day well being and needs of the children. Your relationship with the children Their Dad's relationship with them And the pyschological impact of such. Be very protective of such! What do you mean by this?
Gunny376 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 No worry there, you're already there. Just let your children be children and enjoy their childhood. That's what I was referring to. Not letting them (the children) get too caught up in Mommy's and Daddy's issues. You're doing a good job AG! Keep on trucking and walking the razor's edge! Now take a deep breath, breath a sigh of relief, wipe a tear from your eye, pat yourself on the back, and go to bed and get a good nights sleep with a clean and clear consiscious! You did and are doing good Mom! Atta"Girl!
Author amaysngrace Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Thanks Gunny. My kids didn't want to call him, neither of them. I didn't push them either. I told them it's okay to be hurt by what they said and next time to just tell them to please stop. No letter from a court or an attorney so I think maybe he was just trying to upset me. It could be it's too soon as well. Anyway this thread was good for me. It made me think of all the ways he is an unfit parent. Do you know that he signed my son up for karate and has only seen him get one maybe two belts and the child is on his fifth belt now going for his sixth. No wonder my kid doesn't want to call him. Seriously. I guess it's so much easier to see it clearly for what it is when you aren't emotionally involved. Thanks everyone. This helped me a lot.
quankanne Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 you're very welcome. And I want to reiterate that I think you're doing a kickass job as a mom. I've got a female relative who, bless her heart, is more concerned about making her marriage work than she is about getting her kids out of an abusive situation because she's so damned wrapped up in pleasing her husband. And it's killing my whole family. So to read your story and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel gives me hope for her children. you, my dear, are an incredibly inspiring woman for moving past the crap you've had to deal with :love:
Gunny376 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 I agree~ Kickass job of being a mom! Atta-Girl! No "parential alienation" here. Its @sshat's that screwing himself and "it" up with the kids!
Author amaysngrace Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Hey thanks you two. :love: You both seem pretty confident in my abilities...probably more than I am in myself sometimes. Time will tell.
Gunny376 Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Do the checklist as if an airliner was going down in the Hudson River? Kids consistently making "A" & "B's" in school? CHECK! Kids consistently go to school? CHECK! Kids sufficently clothed, sheltered, and fed? CHECK! After-school activities? Soccer/ Karate? CHECK! Children cared for, loved, and tucked in at night? CHECK! Kick Ass Mom? CHECK!
steveraves Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 All this will depend on what is in the court orders for visitation ect. I believe you said it was liberal visitation, whatever that exactly means. If you disagree with the order you may want to contact a lawyer to see about having it modified and changed to be more specific. I would encourage them to have a relationship/contact/stay in touch with their Dad, but I wouldn't force it. That's not your responsiblity. I would set some "rules of engagement" in letting him/her know that they can say whatever, and call you whatever what they wanted to, but not in front of the children, and that the children were not to be used as pawns. That they can be 100% against you, but collectively the three of you are 100% there for the children. I disagree with some of the first paragraph quoted above. All that matters is what is in the court orders and that is Your responsibility to see that happens, not what the kids want. If his rights are being violated, you'll be the one held responsible. You're the parent, not the kids. I would also make the kids call whether they want to or not. It will only make you look good and that you're trying to facilitate a relationship between the kids and the father. With all that you've documented there is no way he would ever get full custody of the kids, and also unlikely that he'd beable to have the visitation schedule changed since that is what he agreed to. The 2nd paragraph quoted above I totally agree with. Bottom line follow what the court order says.
Author amaysngrace Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 I would also make the kids call whether they want to or not. It will only make you look good and that you're trying to facilitate a relationship between the kids and the father. I will ask them again today if they want to call but if they don't I am not making them. He knows our number. He started this whole stink$hit by bashing me to the kids which upset them, my daughter to the point of tears, yelling at them for not getting good grades in school which is untrue, and making them feel insecure about their living arrangements. Pretty much he was throwing around his authority in some sort of power struggle. I call it dictatorship. He screwed up. Now he needs to humble himself enough to reconnect with these children. Yes I will still stay on them about it in a nagging sort of way but I will also respect my children's wishes. This is between them and him. They are ten and eleven. He's a grown man. I may call him and let him know what's up. It'd be nice if he would pick up the phone and call me to show his concern but he very well may not. I'm not calling him today though. Maybe tomorrow. Meanwhile on my daughter's way to school we spoke. I told her she should call him and again tried to get the point across that "sometimes people we love make us angry". Her response "If he cared about us he'd call". So right now she isn't questioning her love for her dad. It's the other way around. She is questioning his love for her. Perhaps maybe both of them are.
steveraves Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 It's unfortunate that you're all in this situation, and it sounds like you're trying. My only point is this whatever it says in the court order that needs to be followed, and if it's not upheld on your end you'll be the one in trouble. Arguements like "the kids didn't want to" or "it's between them and their father" won't work. Your court order may not even stipulate anything about phone calls. Regardless of all that there is noway you'd lose custody of the kids with his prior history.
Author amaysngrace Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 My only point is this whatever it says in the court order that needs to be followed, and if it's not upheld on your end you'll be the one in trouble. Arguements like "the kids didn't want to" or "it's between them and their father" won't work. Your court order may not even stipulate anything about phone calls. Regardless of all that there is noway you'd lose custody of the kids with his prior history. Thank you. All our court order says is that "visition is liberal and is to be mutually agreed upon by both parties". That gives a whole lot of leeway. My own attorney told me that if we can't agree on Christmas keep the kids and all I need to say is "your Honor, we couldn't mutually agree". It's never come to that though. We should both get to see our kids on Christmas and the kids should get to see both of us. There is no mention of phone calls. At this point I would like to know something, anything. Even if it is a stupid custody complaint in the mail. My mom is right. The man is a bully and a coward.
quankanne Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 honey, I could teach you some choice Spanglish to describe the pendejo you were once married to! you know, it breaks my heart that your kids are now realizing just what their daddy is capable of, and wondering just what he feels for them. However, that's something that THEY have got to determine (not hear from an angry/upset/grumpy parent or relative). To which I'll add to Gunny's checklist: Kids secure in Mom's love? CHECK!
steveraves Posted January 28, 2009 Posted January 28, 2009 Thank you. All our court order says is that "visition is liberal and is to be mutually agreed upon by both parties". That gives a whole lot of leeway. My own attorney told me that if we can't agree on Christmas keep the kids and all I need to say is "your Honor, we couldn't mutually agree". It's never come to that though. We should both get to see our kids on Christmas and the kids should get to see both of us. There is no mention of phone calls. At this point I would like to know something, anything. Even if it is a stupid custody complaint in the mail. My mom is right. The man is a bully and a coward. It sounds like you have your bases covered. I wouldn't worry about anything he says. He's just trying to upset you. If he wants to try and change it, let him. He won't get what he wants.
Author amaysngrace Posted January 28, 2009 Author Posted January 28, 2009 Howdy! It is a shame but what is to be expected really when he upsets them terribly and then ignores them for five days now. They are use to speaking with him daily. I forgot to mention also that when step mom was talking the other night she said "eleven and nine". My daughter didn't take that too well. She is ten. And we all know how that goes.
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