My ExH wants custody

[amaysngrace]

It could be he's just saying that. He said it on Saturday and then hung up on me. He took the kids Friday night and all he and his wife did was trash me to the kids. His wife says "I'm unfit". My kids overheard them saying that and felt really bad about it. My daughter even cried in her room over it.

 

Long story short...my car broke down last week. It was towed to the shop and is now fixed but while the car was broken my son missed the bus. Twice. I had no way of getting him to school. I am honest so when Dad asked I told him the truth. He's using it against me.

 

I admit I am not a perfect parent but I do everything I can possibly do for my children. They come first before me always. I see to it that they have everything they need first and foremost.

 

My exH is saying I am too easy on them. That I don't push them hard enough. They are ten and eleven. He is blaming me even for their high cholesterol which is genetic and he has history of high cholesterol but he is blaming me anyway. He says I don't feed them well enough.

 

His wife has no children of her own. He had a vasectomy after our daughter was born. From what the kids tell me SHE is the one who was mostly doing all the badmouthing of me that was going on. Although he was chiming in as well. They did this both in front of my children and also behind closed doors.

 

This is why we had the argument Saturday. He called and asked how they were and I told them they were upset due to the fact that he and his wife were trashing me in front of them. He tried to deny it. Eventually he came clean with it all and I told him I'd appreciate him not doing that. It heated up and I may have used the F word so he said he is going for custody and hung up on me.

 

So here is my question. Should I be worried?

 

Here is a little background about Dad and his wife. Married for three years in her house and her mom lives with them. They have a three bedroom house and they have one bedroom, ex's MIL has a bedroom and my kids share the other bedroom. Don't they need to get another bedroom? My kids shouldn't share a bedroom, should they? Aren't there laws against that? There should be.

 

Also they live in another school district. When we divorced I bought a house here in the district they were enrolled in so they wouldn't have to switch schools as well as their parents getting divorced. I figured they were already going through enough change.

 

My daughter is an honor student and my son is in honors math. He scored the very highest in math on the ASK Test two years ago and last year scored well above National Average as well which is how he was chosen for honors.

 

The dad says their grades aren't good enough. Living with me gives them very little structure.

 

I stay at home. They both work. He works 70+ hours in a car dealership as a manager and she is an OR nurse on call mostly. They have a third adult living there, her mother, which would make it easier for them to run a smoother household. I am just me.

 

Should I be worried?

 

Dad has a hot temper. He has a history of having a hot temper. Arrest for assault on me, arrest for assault on a policeman, TROs plus endless photos of ways I had taken the brunt of his hot temper. He has not changed despite all of his claims of having done so. September, four months ago, my children were picked up by dad. My son asked about his birthday money that dad conveniently seems to keep. Always. For both kids. Dad hadn't seen the kids in two weeks yet when my son questioned him Dad hit my son in his face, breaking his glasses, and leaving my son with a bruised eye. I have pictures. His school picture even shows it and I have a cancelled check showing the date.

 

Lastly this time last year dad was unemployed and not paying support. For months he failed to pay, would go to the store to buy himself cigarettes and chewing tobacco yet wouldn't pick up a gallon of milk. Never even inquired if the kids needed anything. He had quit his job two years in a row actually leaving me in the same situation. Luckily for me jobs aren't that easy to come by anymore and he is forced now to hold his job throughout hunting season.

 

So I ask once more, should I be worried? Because I am.

[Geishawhelk]

Check your legal stance. What are the arrangements at the moment, and what would they have to do to move this forward?

 

I think, the way his new partner is, she'd pretty soon resent having two extra children about.....

But get legal advice.

 

With you hun, always.......

[Mz. Pixie]

Gosh, I guess it could happen but it seems highly unlikely to me.

 

You've been the custodial parent right???

 

The things you've done cannot be considered neglect in my mind- it's just normal everyday stuff. Line up some witnesses on your side to testify what a great mom you are- just in case.

 

He's probably blowing smoke- I mean does he have the money for a long court battle???

 

I've been told it's extremely hard to prove someone an unfit mother. Laws and judges of course do vary by state but I had a friend who went through something like this. Mom was neglectful and leaving the child at home on the weekends alone while she and her partner went to the casinos all the time. The judge told this guy he could have a picture of her smoking crack and it would still be hard to prove her unfit if the children were still being basically cared for. Of course I could be wrong but this certainly doesn't seem like he could take them from you.

 

I know the anxiety you're feeling. My ex constantly tries to make it appear in emails etc that he's the better parent than me- and he is a good dad- he's just not better than I am.

 

And the pics of your son?? The next time he pounds on him like that please call CPS on him. That alone should up your chances of custody in the event he tries.

 

Asshat!

[amaysngrace]

Check your legal stance. What are the arrangements at the moment, and what would they have to do to move this forward?

 

I think, the way his new partner is, she'd pretty soon resent having two extra children about.....

But get legal advice.

 

With you hun, always.......

 

Thank you. I think SHE is the one pushing for the kids to come stay there. She has no kids. She won't have any with him either because he's snipped.

 

Two years back she would ignore my kids until they called her "Mom". My daughter had a huge problem with it. She is very loyal to me.

 

I don't know what they'd need to do to move this forward...apply? And either kick out the MIL, build a fourth bedroom or buy a bigger house??

 

Honestly I don't think children their ages should share a bedroom being opposite sexes. They are saying twin beds but I say no. I think there may be a law preventing that.

 

So she has a choice...her mom or my kids.

 

Also too the other night when they stayed she said my son could be on the computer until 1 am. At ten of Dad came out of the room and yelled at him. She laughed at the way the dog woke him up but didn't get my son's back. She gave him permission yet still said nothing.

 

I guess she is fully aware of his temper too.

 

Anyway 1 am?? Yeah...and I lack structure.

[amaysngrace]

Gosh, I guess it could happen but it seems highly unlikely to me.

 

You've been the custodial parent right???

 

The things you've done cannot be considered neglect in my mind- it's just normal everyday stuff. Line up some witnesses on your side to testify what a great mom you are- just in case.

 

He's probably blowing smoke- I mean does he have the money for a long court battle???

 

I've been told it's extremely hard to prove someone an unfit mother. Laws and judges of course do vary by state but I had a friend who went through something like this. Mom was neglectful and leaving the child at home on the weekends alone while she and her partner went to the casinos all the time. The judge told this guy he could have a picture of her smoking crack and it would still be hard to prove her unfit if the children were still being basically cared for. Of course I could be wrong but this certainly doesn't seem like he could take them from you.

 

I know the anxiety you're feeling. My ex constantly tries to make it appear in emails etc that he's the better parent than me- and he is a good dad- he's just not better than I am.

 

And the pics of your son?? The next time he pounds on him like that please call CPS on him. That alone should up your chances of custody in the event he tries.

 

Asshat!

 

Thanks Mz.P. It is unsettling to say the very least. I had a nightmare about his wife the other night. She was being all nice to me meanwhile she is trying to take my kids from me.

 

Yes I have full custody. He didn't even want it in the divorce. I waved alimony for full custody. Our arrangement is "visitation is liberal to be agreed upon by both parties" and I am good about it too. I don't give them a hard time.

 

Anyway the good news is at least he won't call me everyday while the kids are in school and walk down memory lane with me anymore even to include our sex life.

 

I wonder if his wife knows THAT!

 

I really think this is more her than him.

[melodymatters]

I don't know much, but I recently helped a friend win custody of her kids in the state of Florida, a boy and girl 8 & 10, and YES, she needed to move to provide seperate bedrooms.

 

It sounds like you would win IF he actually wants to fight it, so try and take a deep breath and relax. I know how worried you must be, I'm sorry you have to go through this even if he is just blowing smoke !

[quankanne]

1. you'll have to check state law, but I believe that only children of the same gender can share a bedroom after they've reached a certain age (and it's a young age, from what I remember about my GF moving back to Texas with her kids 8-9 years ago and her boy was starting first or second grade!)

 

2. if there has been documented abuse at ex's hands, and the court knows about it, I honestly don't believe he's got a case against you, because HE is the one who would be providing a dangerous environment.

 

3. well ... let's just say that your kiddos are quickly approaching an age where they can let the judge know where they want to live, and if Daddy's spending more time being a butt munchie than a daddy, and Mama's doing her best to teach her kids to be respectful of their father regardless of him being a butt munchie ... my guess is that the court will see that you're the better influence.

 

by all means, check with someone in the legal profession or even contact a women's shelter, which handles abuse cases (yes, even at this stage, there's some abuse going on with the family even though y'all are divorced). They'll have better information and resources.

 

meanwhile, just keep being the good mom that you are, amaysn – kids can see through bull****, and they're going to have a hell of a lot more respect for you trying to do right and raise them right than they will for a bully of a daddy who claims to care about them.

[2sure]

Amy - dont lose sleep over his threats regarding custody. My ex used to do it all the time. Once you have been named full custodial parent its virtually impossible to have that changed unless you want to.

 

My ex and his partner trash me badly in front of my daughter and it used to hurt her and make her very anxious. You need to tell your children that the fact of the matter is that Dad is not going to get custody because the LAW says you have custody and no matter what he says - it isnt going to happen. Once they understand that , they wont be as anxious, or feel they can choose. Its hard. My daughter now tells him she doesnt want to hear it and it actually worked. He has improved a little.

 

He isnt getting custody. Period. Your ex, like mine, is a bully and a cry baby bit*h.

[quankanne]

a cry baby bit*h

 

hmmmm ... I think "butt munchie" may have just been replaced by this term!

[steveraves]

You stay at home why? Disability?

 

From what you've written there's nothing showing that you're an unfit parent, if anything it shows he may be unfit with his violence.

 

I'm assuming that you have residential custody of the kids, and that it's been that way for about 3 years. It's very doubtful a court will modify that, especially if that is something he originally agreed to. He certainly won't get full custody. Because he doesn't like the way you parent the kids also doesn't make you an unfit parent.

 

I wouldn't worry if I were you. They missed the bus twice, as long as, their not chronically missing school I doubt that would be an issue.

[whichwayisup]

Dad has a hot temper. He has a history of having a hot temper. Arrest for assault on me, arrest for assault on a policeman, TROs plus endless photos of ways I had taken the brunt of his hot temper. He has not changed despite all of his claims of having done so. September, four months ago, my children were picked up by dad. My son asked about his birthday money that dad conveniently seems to keep. Always. For both kids. Dad hadn't seen the kids in two weeks yet when my son questioned him Dad hit my son in his face, breaking his glasses, and leaving my son with a bruised eye. I have pictures. His school picture even shows it and I have a cancelled check showing the date.

 

Because of this, he won't get full custody. Talk to your lawyer but I don't think you need to worry too much, sounds more like he's playing games and wanting to upset you.

[NYCmitch25]

The last post was spot on - but I'm going to add that you are someone who seems to remain entangled with such a incorrigible ****ty person -- as if you were programmed to continue in some kind of cycle you have become accustomed to -- hence since your younger and more "formative" years.

 

You should not only be concerned for the custody of the children but for the safety of yours and your daughters lives... you just don't seem to be fully appreciating the volatility of the situation!!!

[amaysngrace]

I don't know much, but I recently helped a friend win custody of her kids in the state of Florida, a boy and girl 8 & 10, and YES, she needed to move to provide seperate bedrooms.

 

It sounds like you would win IF he actually wants to fight it, so try and take a deep breath and relax. I know how worried you must be, I'm sorry you have to go through this even if he is just blowing smoke !

 

Thanks Mel. This helps. I thought that was the way it went but was not sure. We don't want siblings developing unhealthy attractions for one another, now do we?

 

3. well ... let's just say that your kiddos are quickly approaching an age where they can let the judge know where they want to live, and if Daddy's spending more time being a butt munchie than a daddy, and Mama's doing her best to teach her kids to be respectful of their father regardless of him being a butt munchie ... my guess is that the court will see that you're the better influence.

 

by all means, check with someone in the legal profession or even contact a women's shelter, which handles abuse cases (yes, even at this stage, there's some abuse going on with the family even though y'all are divorced). They'll have better information and resources.

 

meanwhile, just keep being the good mom that you are, amaysn – kids can see through bull****, and they're going to have a hell of a lot more respect for you trying to do right and raise them right than they will for a bully of a daddy who claims to care about them.

 

You are so spot on. He is a bully. My son says he wants to tell a judge. I won't allow that to happen though. I think he may regret speaking badly about his father later on. I try to stay upbeat and positive and focus on the good. My exH would rather beat it into the kids' heads on how to act. They are good kids.

 

As for right now I need to see it as just him trying to be a bully again. Also this weekend if he wants to see the kids I will have it recorded through our conversation on when he'll bring them home....just in case.

 

Thanks quank.

 

Amy - dont lose sleep over his threats regarding custody. My ex used to do it all the time. Once you have been named full custodial parent its virtually impossible to have that changed unless you want to.

 

My ex and his partner trash me badly in front of my daughter and it used to hurt her and make her very anxious. You need to tell your children that the fact of the matter is that Dad is not going to get custody because the LAW says you have custody and no matter what he says - it isnt going to happen. Once they understand that , they wont be as anxious, or feel they can choose. Its hard. My daughter now tells him she doesnt want to hear it and it actually worked. He has improved a little.

 

He isnt getting custody. Period. Your ex, like mine, is a bully and a cry baby bit*h.

 

Thank you 2Sure. This is what I will tell them. They have become anxious over it. It's really unfair. Kids need to feel safe and secure and currently I am not sure if they feel either of those things. Tonight at dinner we will have a talk. Thank you so much.

 

You stay at home why? Disability?

 

From what you've written there's nothing showing that you're an unfit parent, if anything it shows he may be unfit with his violence.

 

I'm assuming that you have residential custody of the kids, and that it's been that way for about 3 years. It's very doubtful a court will modify that, especially if that is something he originally agreed to. He certainly won't get full custody. Because he doesn't like the way you parent the kids also doesn't make you an unfit parent.

 

I wouldn't worry if I were you. They missed the bus twice, as long as, their not chronically missing school I doubt that would be an issue.

 

I stay home by choice. I never worked since my daughter was born but am currently looking. I wanted to wait until my son was 12. That's the legal age for a child to be left home unattended. He'll be 12 in August.

 

That part in bold is pretty much what it amounts to. That and his new wife has no kids. I still think that's a major part of it.

 

Because of this, he won't get full custody. Talk to your lawyer but I don't think you need to worry too much, sounds more like he's playing games and wanting to upset you.

 

Thanks WWIU.

 

I hope that's all it is. He may try I guess. He's allowed but in looking through NJ State Law they say it's decided by the school they attend and my children are in a really good program where I live, better than his, they look at the stability, and it's always been me even when we were married, and also too both parents' health. He says he won't live to 40 which is why he won't get a life insurance policy like he was suppose to in the divorce decree. So he can't have it both ways. He's either well enough to take them and is dodging his responsibility for getting a LI policy or he's too sick to care for them.

 

Love that!

 

The last post was spot on - but I'm going to add that you are someone who seems to remain entangled with such a incorrigible ****ty person -- as if you were programmed to continue in some kind of cycle you have become accustomed to -- hence since your younger and more "formative" years.

 

You should not only be concerned for the custody of the children but for the safety of yours and your daughters lives... you just don't seem to be fully appreciating the volatility of the situation!!!

 

No I figured I was probably the better choice but I just needed to hear it from others too. Yes you are right that my thinking is off somewhat and my acceptance of intolerable behaviour is something I've grown accustomed to.

 

Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate them.

 

I just have one more question though...does his new wife have any place in this whole custody battle if it were to go there? Would she get consideration for the type of parental figure she would make? Or is this just between him and me?

[quankanne]

I'd imagine that she would be considered their primary caretaker after him, but if they both work and expect her mom to take care of the kids? I don't think it'd look good for them.

 

and again, they're going to look at the relationship she has with the kids, if they feel like they're in a safe, stable environment, especially if dad's abusive and she is the one who would be the one to protect/shelter them.

[amaysngrace]

I'd imagine that she would be considered their primary caretaker after him, but if they both work and expect her mom to take care of the kids? I don't think it'd look good for them.

 

and again, they're going to look at the relationship she has with the kids, if they feel like they're in a safe, stable environment, especially if dad's abusive and she is the one who would be the one to protect/shelter them.

 

Right and she is more of their dad's pacifier than she is the kids' protector. At least that how it seems.

 

I just need to wait and see.

 

Thanks again Quank.

[Gunny376]

If I were to bet on his getting custody and the chances of a sick, asthmatic, three-legged cat coughing up hairballs trying to get away from a pack of half starved pitbulls? I'd put next month's retirement check on the cat!

 

So NOT going to happen! For him to get custody? He would have to prove that your a "crack-smoking, crystal-meth smoking, child-beating, $5 street walking prostitute-porn-star ~ and even then that would be doubtful? (Just because someone is a prostitue/porn star doesn't make them a bad mother)

 

In so long as your making sure they consistenly attend school, are fed, clothed, fed, attend to their medical / dental health? You've absolutely no worries.

 

With both being honor students, and given the XHEX's documented track record of physical abuse to both you and the children? He's got a snowball's chance in Hell of getting custody!

 

But seriously, take a fool's advice. Goggle "Parential Alienation" and read up on it. This is what your up against. You've IMHO haven't any worries about it working against you per say, the more dirt the XHEX and his wife slings, the more ground they lose with the children,

 

BUT!

 

Its pyschologolically, mentally and emotionally damaging to the children. It can in the long term result in long term resentment, anger, hatered, bitterness, un-specificed stress, depression, and anxiety. It can and will affect future relationships as they mature into adults, and even affect their marriages and lives into their twenties, thirties, and even forties.

 

Ref: The book "Second Chances" a book about the long-term efffects of divorce on children conducted over a period of twenty+ years in CA.

 

Seriously, AG you need to read this book! PM me a blind maildrop address (such as a UPS store), and I'll even loan you my copy, (provided you promise to send it back!)

 

I'm 18 years the otherside of divorce, (married only once) and I'm still dealing with crap from it! (See my thread about Parential Alienation)

[amaysngrace]

Thanks Gunny. I will look that up.

 

I know it's what his mom did to him. Trashed his dad throughout his life. He still has mixed up feelings about his dad. Just last month he was saying his dad is a piece of $hit. Next thing I hear his dad is over their house fixing his wife's car.

 

He must have seen his dad over Christmas and decided he's not so bad afterall.

 

Anyway it's been this way for years. He has a very unrealistic view of his father all because his mother trashed the man while IMO she was the much worse parent. In fact I think his dad is a pretty good person. Always have always will.

 

Maybe if we are to ever become civil again I will point it out to him. How by him saying things like that about me to the kids is just the same as what his mother did to him and his brother and sister. It's unfair.

 

Not only that but you're right, the man struggles with his true feelings for his dad still to this day. It's really so unnecessary.

 

Thanks again Gunny. I will read your thread.

[amaysngrace]

I took your advice Gunny and read up on it. It seems I may be guilty of it somewhat as well. I don't always let him know about things but it's not intentional. It's more like I forgot.

 

I let the kids know that I forgot too. So they don't think Dad doesn't care. And I've apologized in the past for it too. Sincerely.

 

Here is the thing...today is four days since he's called. We had our argument four days ago and he usually calls daily to check in. I think my kids should pick up the phone and call him today if we don't hear from him.

 

What do you all think?

 

While I am mad that those two were speaking badly about me to my kids I don't want my kids to hate them for it. And it seems as though they are very mad at the two of them. They are siding with me.

 

I so don't want this. I want my kids to love us both. And they do. Deep down they love their dad. They are just angry with him now.

 

I'm not really angry with him too much about what he said, I am just angry that he did it in front of the children when it should have been taken up with me privately and I am also mad that he has not called to speak with them. I don't need to speak to him. I've said what I needed to say the other day. But it seems he is punishing the children.

 

Anyway so do you think my kids should make that call or what?

[quankanne]

encourage them to make that call, and tell them that it's okay to still love someone even when you're really really upset with them. That the love part doesn't need to change, it can stay constant while the other stuff is going on. Because IMO, it gives someone a bedrock for their relationship.

 

I've been thinking about what you said about your son wanting to tell the judge about his dad being a butt munchie. If it's something that distresses him, maybe it would be a good thing to let the judge/officer of the court know so that he/she has a better idea of how it's affecting your child(ren). Coming from your kid(s) is a lot different than you or ex telling the court, "well, my child feels/thinks/says blah blah ..."

 

it also gives your kids a sense of sureness in the sense that those kinds of naggy things are legitimate concerns that aren't being pushed aside.

 

that said, YOU know your rugrats much better than any of us, so you instinctively know the best way to handle their particular needs.

 

meanwhile, I think you're a damned fine mom for taking all these things as seriously as you have, and being so concerned about how it affects your kids.

 

hugs,

q

[amaysngrace]

quank thank you so much.

 

I will have them call today if he doesn't reach out first. And you are right...putting my son on the stand and speaking to a judge may help make his feelings become validated.

 

He is afraid to speak up to his dad. He's said it before. He says Dad will hit him for it.

 

I really don't want my kids to have to choose between him or me. I just want them to be happy.

 

But my son has a voice in all of this and maybe it should be heard? It's not really so much about choosing as much as it is about being happy...I think.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

No, they are not going to take your children away because your son missed school a couple days bc your car was broken.

 

Relax.

 

(I see the paranoia here in America. God forbid a child misses school one day, is like a crime. That's why my son went to school one day and missed the other.)

 

But I think that the wife is very jealous of you having his kids and she can't. That's why she tries to put you down.

 

Good luck with it all.

[Lishy]

Amay, what is happening to you happens to women (and men) the world over!

 

For 1 he wouldnt want custody of his kids, he is saying this to scare you and piss you off!! If he was so bothered by them he would have called in the last 4 days wouldnt he? It would also disrupt his life with his new wife!

 

For 2, no judge would deem you as unfit and let me tell you, you have to be pretty unfit to have your kids taken from you!

 

Get it noted by the doctor that your ex hit your son in the face and marked him as this will guarantee that he will not be able to get custody!

 

It is so hard to do the right thing when high emotions are involved isnt it? You are doing a steller job girl, your kiddies are lucky!!

[amaysngrace]

Good luck with it all.

 

Thanks A.

 

Amay, what is happening to you happens to women (and men) the world over!

 

For 1 he wouldnt want custody of his kids, he is saying this to scare you and piss you off!! If he was so bothered by them he would have called in the last 4 days wouldnt he? It would also disrupt his life with his new wife!

 

For 2, no judge would deem you as unfit and let me tell you, you have to be pretty unfit to have your kids taken from you!

 

Get it noted by the doctor that your ex hit your son in the face and marked him as this will guarantee that he will not be able to get custody!

 

It is so hard to do the right thing when high emotions are involved isnt it? You are doing a steller job girl, your kiddies are lucky!!

 

Thanks for the support Lishy.

 

My BF says the same thing. That he doesn't really want the kids. He reminded me that he did this last year too. Must be a tax thing. In USA all of our tax info comes out in January.

 

He is fully aware of what he earns and what he pays. And so is she. She also has the children covered under her medical insurance. It was suppose to be his responsibility but I'm glad she took it on because she has had the same job for years while he is much more flighty in that department.

 

But he and I are to each claim one dependent for tax purposes. I have given them both deductions for the past three years since I do not work or file a return. When I go to work I will claim my child but for right now I let them have it.

 

I think that's only fair seeing how they both work hard.

 

I am ready to go to court. If he wants it like that then I will fight back. And if it is just an idle threat I wish there were some way, some complaint I could file or something, to prevent this from ever happening again.

 

Unfortunately I don't think there is.

[Gunny376]

I would encourage them to have a relationship/contact/stay in touch with their Dad, but I wouldn't force it. That's not your responsiblity.

 

I would set some "rules of engagement" in letting him/her know that they can say whatever, and call you whatever what they wanted to, but not in front of the children, and that the children were not to be used as pawns. That they can be 100% against you, but collectively the three of you are 100% there for the children.

[Lishy]

Hey Amay, next time he says that tell him that you will pack their stuff and drop them off as you wanted to move to the Bahamas with your boyfriend - He would cack his pants and he would never say that again! hahhaa

 

I am joking hon, but on a serious note, many men do that to wind their ex up!

 

You know I have problems with my sons dad too so I know how you feel! He once told me that he wanted my son to live with him and I just laughed in his face and told him after a week he would go crazy as it is not easy to raise children and lose your own life!