I need a female perspective into my final lingering confusion

January 26, 2009

It's been 6 months since my ex broke it off with me. 5 out of 6 months were LC and there were moments of pleading and begging on my part. It's been a month since I went NC and I've gained tremendous momentum in healing. I can actually do things and focus on my life without the weight of depression or pain. I feel pretty over it all but one thing really bugs the crap out of me is the closure I never really got.

I was with my ex for almost exactly a year. We were friends in high school, and she liked me back then but I vaguely recall not returning the feeling. 6 yrs after high school, she surprises me on Myspace, and this time we hit it off right away. She became my first love/girlfriend only after our 3rd date. We were madly in love and we gave each other our virginity. During our relationship we had some ups and downs, a lot of it had to do with my inexperience as well as her personality issues. I was a full time student and she had a family business to run. The combination of lack of time on her part and lack of money on my part, I feel strained our relationship. But I feel we managed to overcome that gradually as we became more secure with each other and understanding.

Towards the end of our relationship, we became pretty serious. She wanted to move in together with me, despite knowing her strict Catholic parents would totally be against it. Her parents play a huge role in her everyday life and it was big for her to ask me this. But then again, she had always been a firecracker kind of girl who isn't afraid to do new things. We decided to meet each other's parents and sort of give them the idea that we are seriously considering marriage. We talked about marriage towards the end of our relationship. I felt good about it overall. I felt secure knowing that I had her lined up.

Well, beginning of August 2008, I graduated from a prestigious university and landed a high paying job right out of college. It was enough money to support both me and her and find an apartment together. I was thrilled that I was finally able to take her shopping. I feel like lack of money was always something that made me feel guilty and inferior as I couldnt really do anything nice for my gf. I promised her shopping was the first thing I'd do when I got my first paycheck.

First day at work, all hell broke loose. Because I was no longer a student, my citizenship status got revoked so I had to forfeit the job offer. I was devastated. I knew that this meant another obstical to overcome in my law school endeavor and another failure on my part to make my girl happy. I panicked. I felt anxious, desperate, and scared. In part due to bad advice I got coupled with massive pressure and anxiety, I hastily text messaged my gf who was on her way to a 1 week vacation with her sisters. I asked her to marry me. I told her I needed an answer.

I was not polite in my msg. I simply said "Babe, I have to ask you something serious. Will you marry me?" then I vaguely explained my situation to her. I msged her with a sense of desperation and sort of an ultimatum.

After a long pause, she msged me back "I don't think we're meant to be."

At that point I knew the relationship was over for reals this time. I didn't contact her until she got back from her vacation. I asked her what the reason was for her breakup, and she said that she felt like I had put my job before her and that I asked her for marriage in an unfair and dispicable manner. I was hurt that she failed to understand where I was coming from and tried to explain that I was really not myself under the circumstances. I apologized.... but she wouldn't have it.

So we broke up. After about several weeks or so, I contacted her again to reconcile, but her attitude had completely changed. She wanted to take it slow. I said "Ok babe." To my surprise, she said "you have to stop calling me babe now it feels weird." I was heart broken. We had a big argument and we ended it badly. I spoke to her again about after a month or two. She found somebody else. In fact, she was planning a trip to Vegas with her new man over Christmas break. I died.

Since finding out she was with someone else, I became desperate and clingy. Said stupid lies to make her jealous and tried to convince her that I had changed, but she wouldn't have it. I didn't understand why she felt the break up was necessary. Her reason for breakup kept changing. From "I don't think we're meant to be" to "you are verbally abusive and always make me feel low." My final contact with her was on Xmas eve. She had changed her number so only way for me to contact her was through Mobile AIM. I sent an AIM msg to her phone telling her that I miss her and that xmas without her was killing me. She called me a stalker and told me never to contact her again. She said I didn't give her space when she told me to leave her alone. She said she moved on and I need to too. She said my emotional tone of voice made her very angry and told me even the chance of us being friends were gone. She treated me extremely harsh and cold towards the end. When I look back at it, I think it was undeserved. I just couldn't understand how if she really loved me the way she seemed, how could she get over me so quick like that? I know she has had many guys lined up for her in the past. She is attractive and has guys waiting for her at all times if she wanted it. Is this part of the reason why? I was never insecure about it because I was confident in myself, but after she dumped me my identity and ego had shattered.

I've been NC since Xmas Eve and now I am at a point where I feel almost healed. But the question of "why" she dumped me still lingers in my mind. Why do you think she felt it was necessary to end the relationship? We had it so good...

January 26, 2009

You are wanting a girls perspective, and I'm a girl. And I cannot figure out why she dumped you either. The only thing I can surmise is that she is young, immature, and not ready for a serious relationship. As hard as that is to accept, it's the ony thing that makes sense to me.

She was not prepared to stand by you when you were upset over the job not working out. She was not prepared to be there for you emotionally when you were anxious and worried about your career.

I know it hurts. No words anyone can say to you will take the hurt away. The only thing that will is to try to take this girl down off the pedestal that you have her on. And try to look at the situation from a healthy perspective. The fact that she walked away from you at such a critical time in your life, doesn't say much for her maturity level...or her commitment to you.

I hate to say this, but perhaps she was looking forward to you having a good job after being a student. And when you found out that the job fell thru, she didn't want to stand by you. This is awful, but it sounds to me like exactly what happened. And that is not the type of person you want to put your faith and trust in for the future.

I'm so sorry. i wish I had more insight. But I just cannot fathom what is going thru this girls brain. And the fact that she has someone else already. Do not give her anymore attention for this.

The best revenge is to succeed. So keep on moving forward. Go for everything you've been striving for. I could only dream of finding a man as dedicated to his goals as you are. And i know many women who feel the same. But your ex is too immature to realize what she gave up.

I believe one day she will be back to say she made a mistake. And when she does come back, you can decide whether you are interested or not. Because this woman sounds flakey, in my eyes.

She kicked you when you were down. Dumped you on the worst possible day, when you were obviously going thru a hard time. Once she is out there in the dating world, she will realize the grass is not greener. Right now it might feel like it is to her. But she will soon find out it isn't. As a woman, I know this. Having all the guys in the world asking me out doesn't compare to the "one" person whom you really love. But she's not at this point yet.

January 26, 2009

You are wanting a girls perspective, and I'm a girl. And I cannot figure out why she dumped you either. The only thing I can surmise is that she is young, immature, and not ready for a serious relationship. As hard as that is to accept, it's the ony thing that makes sense to me.

She was not prepared to stand by you when you were upset over the job not working out. She was not prepared to be there for you emotionally when you were anxious and worried about your career.

I know it hurts. No words anyone can say to you will take the hurt away. The only thing that will is to try to take this girl down off the pedestal that you have her on. And try to look at the situation from a healthy perspective. The fact that she walked away from you at such a critical time in your life, doesn't say much for her maturity level...or her commitment to you.

I hate to say this, but perhaps she was looking forward to you having a good job after being a student. And when you found out that the job fell thru, she didn't want to stand by you. This is awful, but it sounds to me like exactly what happened. And that is not the type of person you want to put your faith and trust in for the future.

I'm so sorry. i wish I had more insight. But I just cannot fathom what is going thru this girls brain. And the fact that she has someone else already. Do not give her anymore attention for this.

The best revenge is to succeed. So keep on moving forward. Go for everything you've been striving for. I could only dream of finding a man as dedicated to his goals as you are. And i know many women who feel the same. But your ex is too immature to realize what she gave up.

I believe one day she will be back to say she made a mistake. And when she does come back, you can decide whether you are interested or not. Because this woman sounds flakey, in my eyes.

She kicked you when you were down. Dumped you on the worst possible day, when you were obviously going thru a hard time. Once she is out there in the dating world, she will realize the grass is not greener. Right now it might feel like it is to her. But she will soon find out it isn't. As a woman, I know this. Having all the guys in the world asking me out doesn't compare to the "one" person whom you really love. But she's not at this point yet.

Thank you so much. You have no idea how comforting your words were. The bolded part above, I have to admit was what my gut instinct was feeling. I remember in our conversation she brought up "certain" expectations from her man. I remember her saying she expects a certain standard of living, such as at least a condo and a nice car. she is sort of spoiled and she knows this. she was given a lexus from her parents on a condition that she moves back home. I know it makes sense but I just wanted to get a third person's perspective.

January 27, 2009

i believe that most pertinent issue regarding my break up was communication. She was terrible at it. She was a text messenger who literally tried to solve all her arguments and problems through indirect means. She would write me essays on text when we would argue instead of talking to each other at least on the phone. It's really no surprise that she took my proposal the wrong way. Or as you said, she could just be really selfish and immature.

January 27, 2009

I asked her what the reason was for her breakup, and she said that she felt like I had put my job before her and that I asked her for marriage in an unfair and dispicable manner....
... "you are verbally abusive and always make me feel low."

... We had it so good...

Obviously you two didn't have it so good. She stated the reasons for the breakup, maybe they are the reasons you just don't want to hear.

January 27, 2009

Obviously you two didn't have it so good. She stated the reasons for the breakup, maybe they are the reasons you just don't want to hear.

Her story doesn't make sense. During our post-breakup argument she said she dumped me because I am verbally abusive. We did exchange heated words after the break up, but that is after not before. I told her this temporal discrepancy and she was quiet. Her original reason for the break up was something about being ridiculous in asking her for proposal this way and how I put my job before her. Her reasons changed.

I do want to hear the reasons. If I didn't why would I be on here looking for one?

January 27, 2009

Don't waste your time trying to get the 'real' reason she broke up with you. It's probably a combination of all your suspicions, and what she has said. But the main reason is probably that she is young and doesn't want to get married to anyone right now. And neither should you. There are millions of nice girls out there (and some will stick by you through thick and thin), try to move on and enjoy your youth while you have it.

January 27, 2009

If she is vague, non communicative, immature, selfish and demanding now, can you imagine what it would have been like if you had got the job, had got the nice salary to spend and had actually been able to take her shopping?!?! She would have become a nightmare, increasingly demanding and you would have suffered far more in the long run.

In a relationship, there should be mutual trust, mutual respect and mutual understanding regardless of situations that you might find yourselves in. What's that saying - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger??? She should have been there for you and tried to support you but instead, she put herself first and cut you out of her life.

Ok, so it probably wasn't the most romantic marriage proposal that I've heard of but in a rather odd way, I'm glad that you asked her and she revealed her true colours to you before you got involved any further. Trust me, one day, you'll be glad that it happened like it did.

Rather than looking at the reasons why she ended it, maybe the better way is look at the reasons why you should be glad that you're out of it. Don't let anyone hinder you reaching your goals ... find someone that will be there for you and support you in achieving them.

January 28, 2009

Really? is it really true that somebody can just call it quits after a year and never look back? I mean she never even tried to understand or listen to my explanations. Its almost as if she already made up her mind before listening to my case. This is why it didnt make sense to me, that even without trying to understand me, she was so willing to call it quits, which leads me to wonder yea it might not have been me after all, she might have just changed her mind. If her feelings changed, why wouldnt she simply say so? Also is she just on a rebound looking for a grass is greener? Whatever. I really am over it just venting a littlebit. Im no longer heart broken so that's good.

January 29, 2009

I think that she had already been thinking of breaking up with you before your disaster of a day happened. People have a difficult time quiting cold turkey on anything. From your post, it sounds like she was pretty sure this break up was what she wanted. I'm sure she put in consideration that you had no income and lets face it....No money, no relationship. If you can't help and be supportive in a relationship, then its not going to work out. I'm pretty sure she had many indepth converstions with friends about where you two were headed and if it was something worth holding on to.

My ex had practically no income because the majority of it was going to child support for two kids. I paid for everything. I was really frustrated about that and thought a lot about where this was going to take our relationship. I want to have a good future, not a poor one, barely getting by. He was dragging me down, really down. I did really love him though. Just couldn't work it out. How?? His kids aren't going to disappear. He will be paying for child support for many, many, years. I just don't have that long to wait. I'm sorry that your ex hurt you and it is still something you are thinking about. Whats important now for you is to continue on with your life and work on trying to get that successful job. Someone new will come around, when you least expect it. Once that happens, your ex will then truly become nothing more than a thing of the past.

January 30, 2009

You are wanting a girls perspective, and I'm a girl. And I cannot figure out why she dumped you either. The only thing I can surmise is that she is young, immature, and not ready for a serious relationship. As hard as that is to accept, it's the ony thing that makes sense to me.

She was not prepared to stand by you when you were upset over the job not working out. She was not prepared to be there for you emotionally when you were anxious and worried about your career.

I know it hurts. No words anyone can say to you will take the hurt away. The only thing that will is to try to take this girl down off the pedestal that you have her on. And try to look at the situation from a healthy perspective. The fact that she walked away from you at such a critical time in your life, doesn't say much for her maturity level...or her commitment to you.

I hate to say this, but perhaps she was looking forward to you having a good job after being a student. And when you found out that the job fell thru, she didn't want to stand by you. This is awful, but it sounds to me like exactly what happened. And that is not the type of person you want to put your faith and trust in for the future.

I'm so sorry. i wish I had more insight. But I just cannot fathom what is going thru this girls brain. And the fact that she has someone else already. Do not give her anymore attention for this.

The best revenge is to succeed. So keep on moving forward. Go for everything you've been striving for. I could only dream of finding a man as dedicated to his goals as you are. And i know many women who feel the same. But your ex is too immature to realize what she gave up.

I believe one day she will be back to say she made a mistake. And when she does come back, you can decide whether you are interested or not. Because this woman sounds flakey, in my eyes.

She kicked you when you were down. Dumped you on the worst possible day, when you were obviously going thru a hard time. Once she is out there in the dating world, she will realize the grass is not greener. Right now it might feel like it is to her. But she will soon find out it isn't. As a woman, I know this. Having all the guys in the world asking me out doesn't compare to the "one" person whom you really love. But she's not at this point yet.

What I don't get is she is the one who initiated the talk of moving in and marriage, not me. I thought it was big of her to say that and when it seemingly came through she just bailed. not only bailed but turned cold and bitter. i dont get it.

January 31, 2009

I'm not female (duh), but I figured I'd let you know that you're not alone. Your ex sounds a lot like mine, who I've determined is young, scared, and immature. Your ex was talking about future plans, how great things will be, how awesome she feels with you; as did mine. Then BAM. Mine broke it off (although she claims it was mutual...whatever!) in the middle of the most important semester of my college career, as my grades determined a lot of things in the near future. Yours cut ties on probably one of the hardest days of your life. Cold. Heartless. Bitch.

Mine was continually immature as she constantly got in touch with me and wanted to meet up after the breakup. I came to the realization that it was hurting me a ton even though I loved her company, AND she doesn't deserve to see what I'm going to become! I didn't lose sight of my goals (and you BETTER NOT either!!!); in fact I finished with an outstanding GPA, and am now already hired full-time 6 months before my graduation date. Sucks for her, and I've kept NC for 2.5 months. Feels great!

My point is you gotta keep to your goals and show this broad what she's missing. Trust me, it will get through the grapevine that Mike is doing really well for himself. Also, I never really got any "closure" with my ex other than her incessant crying...that's really a moot point as of now. No use torturing yourself over it.

January 31, 2009

What I don't get is she is the one who initiated the talk of moving in and marriage, not me. I thought it was big of her to say that and when it seemingly came through she just bailed. not only bailed but turned cold and bitter. i dont get it.

A lot of women like to establish that kind of security, to know they've got you good, even if their mind is unsure, or they end up changing their plans.

She probably turned cold and bitter because you became desperate and clingy. Turns them right off and they lose respect.

January 31, 2009

Okay, I'm not young anymore but I AM Catholic, and my very strong guess is that she had this fantasy in her head as to how you would one day propose to her. Proposals and weddings are very important to us Catholics, especially when we are very young. I can promise you that her fantasy didn't include a text message because you were about to lose your citizenship. To be brutally honest, I would have been extremely offended by that. I know you were freaking out, I understand that, but that was a really bad move. I realize you know that. I'm just trying to give you the Catholic view of all of this. These things are very important and in a sense you "ruined" it for her. I know it is petty.

I also think she's a bit immature and perhaps a bit of a flake. I'm sure her mixed messages about being together and then leaving so suddenly were traumatizing to you. You are really better off without her. It must be awful to be called a "stalker" when all you were doing was trying to fight for what was really, really important to you. Sounds like a self centered little b***h to me. Good riddance, I say.

January 31, 2009

Although what she did was heartless, I can understand why she was upset about the proposal. I mean basically, you asked her to marry you so you wouldn't lose your citizenship. Of course you had been talking about marriage before, so it didn't come out of the blue, but to her it probably said that you were more concerned about your job and legal status than you were about making her happy. Personally, I would be pretty offended if a boyfriend asked me to marry them just so they could stay in the country... it's a well-known form of convenience marriage... it probably hurt her and so she decided to act on the doubts that she had and dump you. I am sorry for what she did to you... this is just my perspective as a woman. Hope this helps.

January 31, 2009

Although what she did was heartless, I can understand why she was upset about the proposal. I mean basically, you asked her to marry you so you wouldn't lose your citizenship. Of course you had been talking about marriage before, so it didn't come out of the blue, but to her it probably said that you were more concerned about your job and legal status than you were about making her happy. Personally, I would be pretty offended if a boyfriend asked me to marry them just so they could stay in the country... it's a well-known form of convenience marriage... it probably hurt her and so she decided to act on the doubts that she had and dump you. I am sorry for what she did to you... this is just my perspective as a woman. Hope this helps.

How about after apologizing and explaining to her that it was something out of character? I told her I wasn't being myself and sincerely apologized that it would never happen again. I was really under intense pressure and just sense of great disappointment and failure. She had no interest in knowing how I was or if I was ok. She simply scratched it off as using her and just bailed. I tried to get her back many many times. She didn't even look back once. She didn't accept the apology nor acknowledged the circumstance I was under.

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I need a female perspective into my final lingering confusion

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