smile_through_tears Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 My ex hurt me really bad (as for most of us of course) and no he didnt cheat (well not physically anyway) but he broke up with me and lied to me about some things...he says he didn't mean to hurt me but of course who does right? i'm sure even cheaters dont "intend" to hurt someone but "they cant help" how they feel and blah blah blah.....at the end of the day the pain was inflicted on me not him..... This was our first relationship and he has never been hurt before, at least not to this extent so with that said he's clueless to how bad he hurt me...At first I showed it and he "tried" to be there for me but his way of trying to "help" only made things worse as he was very cold & distant... We were best friends and we have a long history which Im not going to post but needless to say I'm left hurting so much while he's happy. From time to time he will text me or message me on facebook, asking me about my family and my little niece or about work...stuff like that. I tell him I'm doing good and everyone is good....okay for some reason this does not make me feel good. But I don't want him out of my life either...so it sucks because I'm stuck between choosing pain vs. pain...Also I am so angry at him and then I get annoyed that I pretend to be happy when Im hurting and I feel like I'm just releasing his guilt by having him think Im okay but if I tell him how he ruined my life these past months, I feel like I'm putting myself down. At times I want to scream and cry and punch the wall because why why did he have to hurt me and lie to me about so much? Why didnt he care enough to talk to me about what was wrong if he said he had felt it for so long? Why did he make me believe everything was okay then come later and say the opposite of everything he had told me? He didnt even think about my feelings, and this was MY BEST FRIEND, THE MAN I LOVED!! LYING TO ME, HURTING ME!!! and even after breaking up with me, he said he still really cares about me...but then how can he care and watch me hurting and crying and just look at me & treat me so cold??? Does he keep in touch with me because he cares or because he feels guilty for hurting me?? Am I doing the right thing by letting him think I'm okay or is that just relieving his guilt?? What do i do???? How do I handle his texts and his facebook messages?? I hate having to pretend I'm okay but I dont want to open my heart to him because I dont think he'll care about my pain...I feel love for him & I feel hate for him but I cant seem to feel indifference......I never had closure because as he said "what's the point" and he "doesnt know" what led to our break up but he just didnt want to be with me anymore...I'm hurt, I'm confused and I don't know what to do...Is there anything I can do to make him want me back??? I have no idea what led to the demise of this relationship and it seems like I'll never know................HELPPPPPP ANYONE!!!!!!
jhiggins Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Smile, Listen closely from someone who has been there done that. Do not give anymore thought to the pain you are feeling. Try to accept that things are the way they are and move on. Why? Because we never make good decisions when we are in pain and are suffering. If you are so emotionally affected, then you are not in a position to make good decisions. Get some distance and clear your head. Then, when you are feeling better, reassess whether or not it's worth it. Jonathan
Geishawhelk Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Yes, well, let's try to give you slightly more constructive advice than that..... First of all, you have to stop him contacting you. All it does is tug at your heart and rip you to shreds. Difficult - impossible - as it may seem, you have to really be as tough as you can, and sever all contact. This means not answering his phone calls - and not making any to him. This means deleting all his texts Without reading them - and never sending him any. This means blocking his e-mails - and deleting his address from your address log. this means not IMessaging him - and cutting him off at the knees. This means not talking to him ever again. Read that bit once more: This means NOT TALKING to him EVER AGAIN. This is self protection. This is for your benefit. This is for your well-being and health. This is for you to be able to move on and heal. Now, undersatand this: you don't have to do any of this, if you don't want to. That's fine, that's your choice. But I promise you - I guarantee it - IF you don't do this - you will stay exactly where you are right now. Rock-bottom, depths of despair. And it will NOT get better. Ever.
nature Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Does he keep in touch with me because he cares or because he feels guilty for hurting me?? He keeps in touch with you because you let him. And in doing so, he does not have to feel the loss of you. And it also relieves his guilt. It's no sweat off his back to send you a text or Facebook msg once in awhile. And by replying, you are letting him know you are still there. Am I doing the right thing by letting him think I'm okay or is that just relieving his guilt?? Relieving his guilt. And why should you let him know you are ok? It's none of his business. It's only hurting you. What do i do???? Cut him off NOW. Do not reply to his texts. Take him off Facebook right now. Stop worrying what he thinks. Stop trying to uphold to him that you are ok. You are not ok. He hurt you badly. So all it has become now is a game to try to uphold that you are ok. And you are doing this for him and to preserve your ego. That takes energy. Stop giving your energy to this person. How do I handle his texts and his facebook messages?? First of all, remove him from Facebook immediately. Facebook is a nightmare for break ups. It is a futile, pretend friendship. Someone who cares about you is in your life on a physical basis, interacting with you on a daily basis. Facebook is for keeping in touch with those old friends far away. It is not for keeping tabs on ex's. Facebook has made it way too easy for people to hide behind the pretense of friendship. Msg's on Facebook do not mean he cares. Nor do text msg's. It is insulting. Remove him from Facebook. Stop answering his texts. Stop replying to anything he does. Do not give him an explanation. He does not deserve one. Just stop all of this right now. You will still hurt. You may hurt for months. But it is the only way you are going to heal. As long as you keep the door open to him as you are, you are keeping the tie going. And this means you are not healing or letting go. It also makes it easier on him as well. He doesn't have to feel guilt or feel life without you. But this is not about him. This is about you. He chose not to have you in his life. Therefore, do not be in his life. One of the biggest components of a relationship is the friendship aspect. And he is clearly a fairweather friend. So cut him loose. You are torturing yourself. Go through the hurt. Weather the hurt and loss. But stop torturing yourself by keeping this guy happy by responding to his BS. It is selfish for someone to dump someone and then keep in contact with them.
I Care About you Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Is that you in your avatar? You are hot! (Hope that cheers you up in some way)
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