confuseddd Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I swear, why does this all have to be so complicated. I just can't get past me and my hubby's differences. I am SICK TO DEATH of his flirtatious nature. SICK OF IT. I am TIRED of him telling me that it's just his personality. I'm tired of him winking at other women, tired of being embarrassed when we go out some where becaus he can't keep his mouth SHUT! He never knows when to shut up. He is so busy being this fake happy person when he is around other people. I am tired of feeling like the old shoe when I am out with him. Why can't he just be a reasonable person and not go SO 'EFFIN FAR OUT OF HIS WAY TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE HIM? Counselor told us that we have distinct different personalities and I am tired of being the one to suck it up so to speak. He said he is Sanguine personality. (I say that is a nice way to say immature and insecure and a flirt and show off) What is it that I do to him that makes him embarrased? Why am I the one who has to deal with everything in this relationship while he just keeps on being HIM? I am tired of being alone all the time. I am tired of him being at work with young girls that I KNOW HE CAN'T CONTROL WHAT COMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH. He went on a rash of working 7 days a week for about 6 months. I began a friendship with another man and it went too far eventually (hubby and I separated for 4 months) i don't really think he is the answer. However, I *DO* realize that there are men out there who don't act like my hubby. Why can't I leave him? WHY? I am so afraid of making mistakes, always have been. ANyway, thanks for allowing me to be random...it keeps me from calling the other guy. We have broken things off since I let hubby come back. I am doing my best not to call him. He doesn't deserve that.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I can see how much you love your husband. You are ready to hurt him. Why don't you leave him before you cheat on him again. You are so resentful. Does that sound like love to you?
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 You can't change who your husband is, I take it he's always been that way - Flirty and says whatever he feels like around anybody? Why not separate and try being on your own without calling the OM. Sounds like you need time to see how YOU are by yourself with NO man in your life. Why can't I leave him? WHY? I am so afraid of making mistakes, always have been. Mistakes like what?
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Other than his flirting, do you trust him? Do you think he would act physically on any of his flirtatious comments or is it just general flirting, as you said, to get people to like him? Is it this part of his personality which attracted you in the first place? What are some of the things (besides cheating) that he would like you to change? Has he even brought anything up, or is it all you pointing the finger at him? I understand your venting, it feels good to get it all out, or write it out on LS. I agree you sound resentful too. We marry men because we fell in love with them, all the little quirks we thought were so cute at the start we tend to resent later. What are some of the things you love about him?
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 However, I *DO* realize that there are men out there who don't act like my hubby. Why can't I leave him? WHY? I am so afraid of making mistakes, always have been. ANyway, thanks for allowing me to be random...it keeps me from calling the other guy. We have broken things off since I let hubby come back. I am doing my best not to call him. He doesn't deserve that. Maybe your afraid to leave. You know what you have... and even though it isn't perfect you have kind of grown comfortable with it. Like if you leave you will be throwing something valuable away. It would probably be best if you ended the marriage. Also, I can tell you have some work to do within yourself. I think you and your husband both seem to be a little messed up.
Author confuseddd Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 MWC... it doesn't matter to me if I think he would act on his flirtations. I don't want him sending out those vibes in the first place. It has been my experience that someone who is flirtatious will one day give in to them. Which wayis up....As far as mistakes go, making a mistake of divorcing him and wanting him back. We were separated for 4 months but I let him come back b/c I was afraid it was truly over I guess. I mean, we have been together for 17 years, 12 married years. I was afraid he was really over me. That's the impression that he gave everyone. People were telling me that he was happier than ever. Wah???? He said he loved me but he was happier? I think it was all a front. Like I said, it is IMPORTANT TO him how people see him. He wanted to be mr. tough guy and was willing to just throw the marriage away without a backwards glance or conversation. We went to counseling and what I found very humorous was that the shrink was WAY MORE INTERESTED IN TALKING TO HIM THAN ME! I just sat there the WHOLE time and the counselor hardly even awknowledged me. They would just talk and talk about his past for like 3 sessions in a row. Frankly, I was tired of paying $140 so that they could talk. We went to counseling b/c hubby said I was crazy. Hmmm...seems to me like the shrink thought maybe HE had more pressing issues than myself. He does impulsive things too like thinking about co-signing a car loan with an aquaintance. NOT EVEN A FRIEND! I stopped him from doing that. (I guess I did, hell, he may have gone ahead and done that too). That was the stupidist thing I have ever heard...can't believe these people would even ask him to do such and my hubby entertains the idea! YOU CAN'T DO THAT THIS DAY IN TIME! They could ruin your credit. To me, the answer was no, end of discussion. (they are customers at his store) I can't ask him to leave again, he would be furious...If he leaves it is going to be for a divorce. I am planning on going to see my OWN shrink. I know I need it. I am just SO TIRED OF PUTTING UP WITH HIS WAYS. I'm tired of being second best, I'm tired of the women he works with seeing him more than I do? It makes my stomach hurt. It makes me furious! We don't even sleep in teh same bed b/c he gets up at 4 to go to work. (works from 4-12) We dont' talk until i get home from work around 6. Then he goes to bed around 7:30 or 8:00. Oh and lets talk about sex. Never has been much in that dept. from day one. Should have run the other way, but no! I loved him! I thought when we got married and settled, he wouldn't need to flirt to feed his ego, he would want sex more. NADA. He tried the old blue pill but says it makes his heart race. so I guess that's just too bad for me. I mean how selfish of me to want to have sex! So i can't request he take the pill...that would be cruel wouldn't it? I don't really want this "marriage" (if you can call it that) to end, maybe because the other poster is right, even with its flaws, it is comfortable. But I am just totally overwhelmed with my feelings of anger to him. I am really feeling like I can't get over it! Thanks again for letting me rant....God I hope I can sort this out and be happy again one day.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Let me understand. He flirts, so he might cheat. You don't flirt, and you did cheat. HMMMMMMM? He might have impulse control problems. He might need medication. You should just divorce him. I don't sense any love in your posts.
JennaGennaro Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 What is your life like apart from his? Do you have girlfriends that you can get together with or do you just come home from work and wait for him? If you don't, maybe if you had your own social life things would be better for you because it sounds to me like you are starved for attention. Maybe you are not feeling as attractive as you once were. If so, go get a little makeover or spoil yourself with something to feel special again. Do you flirt with other men? You would be surprised what a boost to the ego it is to flirt with other men - just a smile - when you do not feel very attractive. I don't think your husband will change. Some men are just like that. Some people just love talking to strangers. I don't know about all the flirting with the girls at work, but it is kind of nice in today's world when people actually smile at one another, but I understand what you are going through. As for the sex thing. It's true, that pill can cause other health issues and it isn't worth risking his health. It doesn't sound like sex has been a very important factor in his relationship with you, but you knew that from the beginning. Your husband's actions (co-signing car loan) sound like a midlife crisis or something. Has he always been this reckless? Maybe that was one of the quirks you liked about him in the first place? I agree with you that you need to have your own shrink. One that can focus on you and you can get things off your chest. It's a touch situation you are in. On the one hand, you are miserable; on the other, you are comfortable and do not want to divorce. If you can't get over his flirting and you don't want to split up with him, I think you are just going to have to find another outlet for yourself because you are just going to continue living as roommates.
Author confuseddd Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 hunkaburninlove....I filed for divorce and he moved out when I had this relationship with another man...We are not an item any more. This has been long time coming and I mean a LONG time. I know it is a paradox, but I was sick and tired of being neglected in every way and I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to move on...but for some reason it just won't finalize.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Have you been to any marriage enrichment classes?
jasminetea Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 confusedd, this is in no way a critism - your posts are full of contradictions, which I'd guess must be how your life feels to you at the moment. You know that there are times when two people just don't mesh and end up bringing out the worst in each other, it seems to me that your relationship is one of those times. Your H sounds very immature and unable to have a respectful relationship where, even if he's unable to change his characteristics, is at least able to recognise they may be damaging to his wife. Going to see a counsellor/therapist/whatever is a great idea, not to put your marriage back together but to discover why you find it hard to move on from it and, more importantly, how you can move on from it in the most constructive/least destructive way. Until then I feel it would be really beneficial for you to start learning to stop expecting certain behaviours from your H. He is not able to support you in the way that you need, he is not able to behave as you need. A far healthier and easier way to get the support and reliability that you need is to give it to yourself. Part of all that means allowing him to do the things he wants - like co-signing a car loan. That means having separate financial arrangements, and a life of your own. And lets face it, that's no bad thing if you're attempting independence
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