loripuff Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Hi Everyone, Here's the issue. I have a co-worker and friend to whom I am very close. We've known each other for five years and have developed probably one of the most intimate (read non-sexual) relationships of my life. We also have a lot of innocent fun. I've also spent a lot of time with his wife and children. I do have love for him and respect his wife. We genuinely enjoy each other and until recently, I have not looked at him in a sexual way. In the last few months, things have subtly and progressively changed. He has started coming over to my house after work spontaneously and we would hang out. He has started asking me to keep his visits secret from his wife. He has voiced serious issues with his marriage...i.e. wife is becoming addicted to painkillers. (not a lie or an excuse...my profession deals with addiction ironically). His play flirting with me has an edge to it that it hasn't before or I haven't noticed before. Things came to a head two days ago when we both admitted that we were crazy about each other. It is the first time I've had this kind of relationship with a man...it's honest, it's respectful, it's authentic. Nothing sexual has happened and we have both agreed nothing will happen so long as he is married...both out of respect for me and his wife. He has told me that he want's me to continue on with my life and continue to date. I have told him I will not put any pressure on him. Things are about as good as they can be, considering the circumstances. I am worried about my ability to keep my promise. I want him more than I've wanted any man. I am aroused at the thought of him constantly. We haven't been in each other's physical presence since this has all come out. Because we are co-workers, avoidance isn't a solution. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can handle this situation gracefully?
bentnotbroken Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 You are in a full blown EA and being friends with his W and respecting her didn't stop it from happening. He has started to cross the line to a PA by visiting you and asking that you not tell his W. Wrong and stupid. You are being reeled in. But the brakes on this now.
Author loripuff Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 I admit it is an EA. It's not something I intended and I cannot help my feelings. What I do need is suggestions on how to cool my fires and control myself since avoidance is not an option in this case and I want to avoid making the situation more difficult than it is. Telling me to "stop" is all well and good, but it doesn't help. I can only control my behavior, not my feelings.
2sunny Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 i would consider changing jobs - otherwise you are playing with fire. it will burn you.
bentnotbroken Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 You make it sound like controlling your actions won't put a stop to your feelings eventually. If you don't feed a habit it's power slowly fades. You are feeding the fire right now by dwelling on the feeling, the possibility the fantasy. I'd bet you are playing the what if game in your head. What people don't seem to get is that feelings are normal, you are human. But how those feelings are allowed to manifest, to take hold or how you act on them are completely within in power. It will take time, just as developing the feelings did, but they can and will dissipate if you steer them in that direction. You already do that daily, we all do. We don't act on feelings of anger, revenge or retribution. Sometimes we don't even act on feelings of offering help, we restrain ourselves from standing up when we see someone being hurt or mistreated because we don't want to get involved. It didn't change the feeling, but we don't act on the feeling. It is possible, doable and very real, if you decide to go that way.
sadintexas Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 The worst thing you can do is let this turn into a PA. From experience, what that does is enable him to get what he's missing from his marriage from an outside source, and continue the M when it might not be the best thing for either of them. They need to work this out and figure out what they want to do. You don't want to go through what an OW goes through. Even in the best scenario, it hurts. It has the potential for hurting everyone tremendously. I wouldn't necessarily end the friendship, but keep it on a level where you wouldn't have any problem with his W knowing what you talk about, when you see each other, etc. Anything you would be uncomfortable with her knowing is crossing the line. Try not to entertain the fantasies of what it would be like with him. That's only going to fuel your fire, your desire to experience it in real life. You are in a position right now to do the right thing for all three of you. If you choose that, you will be happy in the end. Even if it means he didn't choose to pursue a relationship with you (and having an A with him doesn't increase those odds), you will have upheld your integrity and not done something to hurt a friend (i.e. HIM and HIS WIFE).
Author loripuff Posted January 26, 2009 Author Posted January 26, 2009 I appreciate the input from you all. It's hard to be rational right now so it's good to hear from people who are objective. What I physically want most is not what I mentally want most given the circumstances. I'm just having a hard time because all I can think about is touching him. I am loving the fantasies and my body is just a live wire of sexual energy....it's not unpleasant by any stretch, but satisfaction of the physical would be disastrous. I need to focus my energy somewhere else.
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Sorry if I sound harsh but you don't respect his wife, nor are you her friend. You're having an emotional affair with her husband and 'waiting' for their marriage to fall apart. You and this MM are not "just" friends, lines HAVE been crossed and it's an inappropriate friendship. It isn't platonic because of the feelings and your thoughts of wanting him sexually. The only way you can stop it from happening is to distance yourself away from him and not spend ANY time alone with him. Don't involve him in your daily life and think of finding another job. Don't rely on him for anything, let alone any type of friendship. Do they have children?
JamesM Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Hi Everyone, Hello. Here's the issue. I have a co-worker and friend to whom I am very close. We've known each other for five years and have developed probably one of the most intimate (read non-sexual) relationships of my life. This is okay, but because he is married and he is a coworker, then this is as far as it should go. In the last few months, things have subtly and progressively changed. Progressive usually means better. In this case, it doesn't appear to be so. He has started coming over to my house after work spontaneously and we would hang out. Mistake number one. As a guy, I know somewhat of how a man's mind works. I do not think it is "spontaneous" at all. He has started asking me to keep his visits secret from his wife. Biggest mistake in the whole post. By doing so, this negates anything else he said (ie no sex, keep dating, etc.). It indicates to me that he is looking for more and is laying the foundation for it. He has voiced serious issues with his marriage...i.e. wife is becoming addicted to painkillers. (not a lie or an excuse...my profession deals with addiction ironically). He is laying the foundation again for an affair. By making his wife sound "bad," he is justifying a possible affair for the two of you. If you have a good opinion of his wife, then you will be less likely to start a physical affair with him. Things came to a head two days ago when we both admitted that we were crazy about each other. Another huge mistake. As soon as people admit feelings such as this and they are mutual feelings, then the fantasies for an affair begin taking over each others minds. For anyone reading this who is married, NEVER express such feelings to someone to whom you are not married. It can only lead to trouble. It is the first time I've had this kind of relationship with a man...it's honest, it's respectful, it's authentic. While it is with a man, the relationship is not honest, respectful or authentic. It is built on lies and secrecy (to his wife), it is disrespectful to you and his wife, and the authentic part is questionable because this implies IMO real and genuine. And it is neither. Nothing sexual has happened and we have both agreed nothing will happen so long as he is married...both out of respect for me and his wife. This is temporary. I can almost guarantee that a day will be coming shortly that the two of you will find yourself "accidentally" in each others arms. Then the two of you will feel bad and say it will never happen again, but it will. Then the affair begins, and you will have a new thread about "What should I do? I say this only with compassion and understanding. I have been there (while unmarried) and know how it works. I have read so many stories here that "progress" in the same manner. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can handle this situation gracefully? 1. Never allow him to visit your house without his wife. 2. Never keep the visits a secret from his wife. 3. If his family and wife are your friends, then make his visits known now. 4. Never voice your "love" to one another again. 5. Never be alone with him again without coworkers or family around. And if you do not want to do any of that, then be prepared for the hurt and anguish of an affair. Please understand....none of this is said with anger or bitterness. I understand how you feel. I also understand where this will head. It cannot be stopped without some major decisions regarding this relationship. Pretending that it can be held to what it is now is avoiding reality. Please be careful and if you love his family, stop it now. He wants a PA despite what he says. The question is...do you?
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 (not a lie or an excuse...my profession deals with addiction ironically). If that’s true... then you should already know the answer to your own question. Time to put it into practice and prove you’re able to walk your own talk. No better way to empathize with addictions than to acquire one yourself. And if this is really your profession, and you truly understand the mindset and dynamics behind them, then certainly you can recognize exactly where your headed.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 LoriPuff, Name one good thing that can possibly come of this. Just one.
JamesM Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 LoriPuff, Name one good thing that can possibly come of this. Just one. I can give an answer. It is what all people in affairs would consider the good thing...."true love with the best person in the world." Now, in reality, it is pleasure fulfillment. Maybe the question is better phrased...what good thing can come out of this in the long run?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 ...."true love with the best person in the world." Happily ever after? Being in love with someone you cannot be with isn't a good thing. This site is filled with the misery that entails.
Libellule Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Darling, I have gone thrue the same thing as you... but in the story... I was the wife. After living thrue this issue I can tell you one thing... it is all a bad idea. The only add-on that I had in my relationship is that I was pregnant. Him and I had started having issues and he started neglecting me wich is why I turned to other things (hence the painkillers)... and then on. Bottom line is that the reason why he is getting all gaga over you is because he is not happy in his relationship with his wife... or he is missing something in it and feels neglected himself... that is why he finds comfort in you. In the end... if it all continues... AND TRUST ME ON THIS ONE... your relationship with him will escalate to be physical, his wife will find out and you will regret what you did and what you are doing. I understand that you might feel strongly for this man... but ask yourself why???... and wouldyou like this to be done to you? I can tell you how much it hurts in the end... for his wife anyway... and let me tell you... he wont leave her for you in the end... and if he does... He will still have her on the side and play the whole ``im confused`` card. Trust me I speak from experience... You will get burned and also get hurt meanwhile... but now you have the choice to do the right thing... Think about it because you will live with the consequences in the end. Lots of love;)
JamesM Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I agree, IWWH, but an affair is a fantasy and it is not reality. That is why I can say that someone in an affair or possibly in one can come up with good things that will happen. My guess is that the possible bad things are ignored.
Meaplus3 Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 Oh boy Loripuff this is an emotional affair. Been there done that. The best way to end this is with No contact. Now, if you work with him that may not be possible at the moment but as little contact as possible is a must. When you do need to talk it needs to be just about business.. nothing personal. The sooner you can difuse this the better. Ea's are tough to break free from but it can happen. Mea:)
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 The first thing you want to do is to accept reality: you and he will sleep together. It may not be this week, or next - but at this rate in under two months you and he will be in a full blown sexual affair. 1. It is the first time I've had this kind of relationship with a man...it's honest, it's respectful, it's authentic. 2. Nothing sexual has happened and we have both agreed nothing will happen so long as he is married...both out of respect for me and his wife. 1. Words literally escape me on this one. 2. They nearly all say that, approximately 3-6 weeks before having sex.
Bluebird In My Heart Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 Leave this. Now. I'm not kidding. If you don't do it, do not come back saying you haven't been warned. If you care about your life, you will put a stop to this. I am not being a single bit dramatic when I say that, either. These kinds of things can screw up your whole life, age you, and take years, if ever, to recover from. You have no idea what you are setting yourself up for, do you?
alison33 Posted January 29, 2009 Posted January 29, 2009 Anyone on this board will tell you that you are going to be in severe pain. I am not talking about normal heartbreak. It is a living hell that takes years and years to recover from. I am on year 7 and I am not even close to recovery. I am warning you with all the love in my heart, and I dont even know you. There is no high greater than engaging with this man, but there is no low worse than facing the reality that comes later. Death will seem like a better option than trying to function post EA/PA. Get out now. I hope it is not too late for you.
Recommended Posts