Why are women who stick with an unfaithful partner looked down upon?

[Lizzie60]

I wouldn't want a child to grow up with a physically abusive parent. Why would I want a child to grow up with a cheater, someone who is selfish and emotionally abusive?

 

I would hang a physically abusive parent..

Do you honestly think that a child actually knows that his father is cheating .. come on..

[Lizzie60]

Unless you lied, you've been busted before by a betrayed spouse or g/f. Not everyone is dense...

 

yes I was.. but this MM also lied to me.. he said he was single.. so we weren't hiding..

[Trialbyfire]

yes I was.. but this MM also lied to me.. he said he was single.. so we weren't hiding..

Unless you're present at every discussion between the MM and the wife or are omnipotent, there's no way you could know everything about their marriage.

 

Just apply your own logic about a wife or husband never knowing if someone is cheating on them...

[Stockalone]

I would hang a physically abusive parent..

Do you honestly think that a child actually knows that his father is cheating .. come on..

 

If the affair is discovered (and don't tell me there is a 100% fool-proof way to keep that from happening), children of a certain age will get drawn into that unholy mess the cheater has created.

 

That is not one iota better than having a physically abusive parent. The punishment should fit the crime...

[OpenBook]

If your husband cheats on you, but you decide to give him the benefit of the doubt and stay in the marriage, why does everyone judge you as a coward or weak?

 

I'm not convinced that everyone does. There's a plethora of movements, theories, workshops, etc. (starting with MarriageBuilders) that emphasize that people CAN rebuild their marriage after infidelity. It would be hard to find anyone who wouldn't agree that engaging in this "rebuilding" takes a great deal of courage, strength and intestinal fortitude.

 

If anything, I'm a little puzzled why everyone thinks it's possible for all marriages to keep the romantic spark going over the long term. I've seen very, very few long-term marriages that stayed romantic. Most of them settle into a very comfortable friendship, like an old worn-out but beloved shoe. A man can get sexually antsy in an environment like that. And the W could very well decide to look the other way, as it's unimaginable for either one of them to contemplate giving up their "old shoe." The sexual infidelity is relatively insignificant when held up against the bigger picture.

 

I think we place way too many expectations on romance in marriage. I do believe it's very possible - and in fact, happens quite a lot in long-term marriages of 20+ years - that marriages can survive and even thrive without the component of romance in them.

[Isolde]

I'm not convinced that everyone does. There's a plethora of movements, theories, workshops, etc. (starting with MarriageBuilders) that emphasize that people CAN rebuild their marriage after infidelity. It would be hard to find anyone who wouldn't agree that engaging in this "rebuilding" takes a great deal of courage, strength and intestinal fortitude.

 

If anything, I'm a little puzzled why everyone thinks it's possible for all marriages to keep the romantic spark going over the long term. I've seen very, very few long-term marriages that stayed romantic. Most of them settle into a very comfortable friendship, like an old worn-out but beloved shoe. A man can get sexually antsy in an environment like that. And the W could very well decide to look the other way, as it's unimaginable for either one of them to contemplate giving up their "old shoe." The sexual infidelity is relatively insignificant when held up against the bigger picture.

 

I think we place way too many expectations on romance in marriage. I do believe it's very possible - and in fact, happens quite a lot in long-term marriages of 20+ years - that marriages can survive and even thrive without the component of romance in them.

 

I'm not sure that a marriage can survive without any sex in it, but I appreciate that you took a different view from other posters. Food for thought.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Why are women who stick with an unfaithful partner looked down upon?

 

 

Because they are fools and doormats.

 

Do you really think America would elect Hillary Clinton to a post with the responsibility of standing up for us and our country when she very clearly won't even stand up for herself?

[BentSpine]

Both are wrong but as for the wife or husband refusing to sleep with them, there are usually reasons why people stop doing so.

 

Regardless, why cheat? Just walk. It's that simple.

Why not just walk? Two reasons:

1) To walk you must first have consciously given up hope of things becoming bearable,

and 2) Sex is the longed for immediate goal, and you can still walk afterwards (albeit with sore muscles).

 

It may be a myth that Blueballs cause pain, but I'd say it still true that it makes all other matters fade in importance.

[Trialbyfire]

Why not just walk? Two reasons:

1) To walk you must first have consciously given up hope of things becoming bearable,

and 2) Sex is the longed for immediate goal, and you can still walk afterwards (albeit with sore muscles).

 

It may be a myth that Blueballs cause pain, but I'd say it still true that it makes all other matters fade in importance.

So you're suggesting that it's A-okay to be totally self-centered?

[BentSpine]

According to Dr.Phil there's always a payoff for oneself in everything we do repeatedly.

 

How different outcomes, cheating and leaving immediately vs. leaving still sexually deprived, differ in the satisfaction they give us vary from one circumstance to another. For me to judge some behaviour as bad, I must implicitly feel that I myself would have easliy acted differently. But I don't know how I will act in a situation which I've never been in before. For sure I can wish and keep a grandiose self image but only when finally confronted will I know.

 

I'd say the very act of finding oneself in an affair can be the first undeniable indication that the relationship, the way it the moment, isn't working. It's a wake-up call, and then it's up to the couple to determine if they want to split or try again, preferrably with discussed changes.

[2sure]

Staying with a spouse that has cheated depends on so many factors but one of those factors is the BS bottom line. Maybe infidelity is not the deal breaker for some you seem to think it always should be. And I'm not talking about an acceprtance or an "open marriage" but...

 

A H's one night stand or a H's IM chats with OW on line...just dont make me feel that threatened or insecure to the point of DIVORCE. It is gross, stupid, distasteful, but not a deal breaker in itself. Life is bigger than that.

 

I just mean that each person's personal circumstance is a big factor.

[Trialbyfire]

I'd say the very act of finding oneself in an affair can be the first undeniable indication that the relationship, the way it the moment, isn't working. It's a wake-up call, and then it's up to the couple to determine if they want to split or try again, preferrably with discussed changes.

There's no grandiosity to cheating or knowing that cheating is a morally-bankrupt way to cope. Cheating is a deliberate action. One doesn't just "happen" into it. One consciously does it.

 

No doubt each couple will decide what they want to do about it. For most, including myself, it's a deal-breaker. Who in the world wants a cheater? Not me.

[Isolde]

Because they are fools and doormats.

 

Do you really think America would elect Hillary Clinton to a post with the responsibility of standing up for us and our country when she very clearly won't even stand up for herself?

 

But this is exactly the kind of situation I was talking about. Why do people assume that the woman is weak when she may just have worked it through?

[BentSpine]

Cheating is a deliberate action. One doesn't just "happen" into it. One consciously does it.

Yes, at one point during temptation the cheater consciously decides to cheat. Not different from the way decides to let oneself fall asleep after being awake for 40 hours. We stop resisting because getting our need met feels wonderful, and because the thought of tasting, but not getting more, feels like a depressing tragedy.

 

Like a bursting dam we are swept away with the currents. As we build up an unmet need, such as becoming sexually deprived, the dam looses structual integrity. Opportunity in the form of an available and attractive member of the opposite sex provides the crack. If our need is met somewhat, the crack doesn't make the dam burst.

 

But if we have an unmet need, **slapping bass starts playing porn background music**

[Stockalone]

But this is exactly the kind of situation I was talking about. Why do people assume that the woman is weak when she may just have worked it through?

 

Incompatible value systems.

 

But I don't care if it's a woman or a man, taking back a cheater is something I don't understand. I can't relate to it. But, we all need to do what is right for us.

 

Still, for me personally, it is the ultimate surrender and it does alter the way I look at those who take back a cheating spouse.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, at one point during temptation the cheater consciously decides to cheat. Not different from the way decides to let oneself fall asleep after being awake for 40 hours. We stop resisting because getting our need met feels wonderful, and because the thought of tasting, but not getting more, feels like a depressing tragedy.

 

Like a bursting dam we are swept away with the currents. As we build up an unmet need, such as becoming sexually deprived, the dam looses structual integrity. Opportunity in the form of an available and attractive member of the opposite sex provides the crack. If our need is met somewhat, the crack doesn't make the dam burst.

 

But if we have an unmet need, **slapping bass starts playing porn background music**

Quite the pretty embellishment of a weak and selfish action, the turning point to cheating. If someone has gotten to that point of desperation, the more healthy decision would be to walk. Why and how can anyone live with themselves, knowing the path of destruction, of self and others, they've chosen? But then, why am I asking these questions, when I know it's "all about me" for the cheater.

 

Occam's razor...

[BentSpine]

If someone has gotten to that point of desperation, the more healthy decision would be to walk.

What would trigger someone to suddenly walk today when they didn't walk yesterday, today is only sliiightly worse that yesterday?

Many yesterdays later and we have desperate person who, unfortunately, is unaware that they are very vulnerable. Until they cheat, that is.

 

Needs are inherently selfish, and you, TBF, seem to have most of your needs met, judging from your choice of the word 'weak'. Congratulations! May your satisfaction last.

 

Living with oneself after cheating is probably easier if you immediately let your betrayed spouse go to find a more compatible partner. That way neither of you don't waste a second longer with the wrong partner.

[Trialbyfire]

What would trigger someone to suddenly walk today when they didn't walk yesterday, today is only sliiightly worse that yesterday?

Many yesterdays later and we have desperate person who, unfortunately, is unaware that they are very vulnerable. Until they cheat, that is.

 

Needs are inherently selfish, and you, TBF, seem to have most of your needs met, judging from your choice of the word 'weak'. Congratulations! May your satisfaction last.

 

Living with oneself after cheating is probably easier if you immediately let your betrayed spouse go to find a more compatible partner. That way neither of you don't waste a second longer with the wrong partner.

Needs met? Do you suppose my needs were met, when D-day rolled around? Umm...nope, far from it. I could have remained in the marriage and revenge cheated, to get my "needs" met. I could have become the OW to someone else's marriage, to get my "needs" met. No thanks. Instead, I walked and thank goodness for the freedom of choice.

 

I honestly can think of nothing more selfish than cheating within a marriage, particularly if you have children. You cheat on your family. Disgusting.

[BentSpine]

TBF, I meant that you seem to get most of your needs met right NOW, not around the time that you were cheated on.

 

There are also substances that make us care less about other people. Alcohol is one but there are other less known. Anti-anxiety medication for example, works by making the person literally care less in general. If someone gets too big a dose, they will mimic the careless behavour of an intoxicated person but without the slurring or loss of balance.

Maybe some women dared to try one more time with the cheater if the anti-anxiety medication was lowered.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

But this is exactly the kind of situation I was talking about. Why do people assume that the woman is weak when she may just have worked it through?

 

Uh, I think you have it wrong...

 

It was "The Big Creep" who "worked it through" (again and again and again, with so many different partners)

 

"The Woman" IS weak, as everyone in society has been made to fully witness by now.

[Trialbyfire]

TBF, I meant that you seem to get most of your needs met right NOW, not around the time that you were cheated on.

I do get my needs met now because I've walked from something that was irreparable, in my eyes. Since that time, I've walked from a number of dating situations and relationships, due to incompatibilities. Now, I've found someone who can meet my needs, where I can also meet his needs. Actions cause consequences. Hitting my head against a brick wall, whether it's internal or external, doesn't make for a happy person. Sometimes, you have to give up and live to fight another day, for something that's worthwhile to save.