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Why are women who stick with an unfaithful partner looked down upon?

Isolde

By Isolde
in General Relationship Discussion

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Isolde Established Member

Isolde

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This is something I've never really understood. If your husband cheats on you, but you decide to give him the benefit of the doubt and stay in the marriage, why does everyone judge you as a coward or weak? Such a decision could either be completely foolish or completely sensible, depending on the circumstances, and why would people around you have the data to know whether it's the right choice or not?

 

Society expects women to be faithful and forgiving and devoted, so why are they suddenly expected to be zero-tolerance in this situation?

 

Am I just really naive for thinking that in SOME cases, men only cheat once?

 

I'd like to think I'd never accept this, ever, but I can see why some women give a guy one more chance or at least wait to assess things before breaking up.

 

Any insight would be appreciated.

You'reasian Established Member

You'reasian

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If your husband cheats on you, but you decide to give him the benefit of the doubt and stay in the marriage, why does everyone judge you as a coward or weak? Such a decision could either be completely foolish or completely sensible, depending on the circumstances, and why would people around you have the data to know whether it's the right choice or not?

 

Society expects women to be faithful and forgiving and devoted, so why are they suddenly expected to be zero-tolerance in this situation?

 

Am I just really naive for thinking that in SOME cases, men only cheat once?

 

I'd like to think I'd never accept this, ever, but I can see why some women give a guy one more chance or at least wait to assess things before breaking up.

 

Any insight would be appreciated.

 

Why would a man cheat only once?

 

1. Perhaps is an otherwise loyal man and he made a mistake.

2. He is separated but not divorced.

alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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as i have stated numerous times before (and research backs up) women put a premium on emotional fidelity and men place a premium on sexual fidelity.

 

that, isolde, is the answer to your question :)

 

good day

alpha

Lizzie60 Established Member

Lizzie60

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Am I just really naive for thinking that in SOME cases, men only cheat once?

Yes you are... a man that cheat for the first time has a reason to cheat.. (same with a woman) and once they have a taste of that excitement.. MOST if not ALL will do it again... because as soon as they hit a 'boring' episode with their partner.. they will seek that excitement again.

 

and for the one who get caught.. they will swear they will never do it again.. but they only find better ways of never getting caught again.. they get smarter.. ;)

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Isolde Established Member

Isolde

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Am I just really naive for thinking that in SOME cases, men only cheat once?

Yes you are... a man that cheat for the first time has a reason to cheat.. (same with a woman) and once they have a taste of that excitement.. MOST if not ALL will do it again... because as soon as they hit a 'boring' episode with their partner.. they will seek that excitement again.

 

and for the one who get caught.. they will swear they will never do it again.. but they only find better ways of never getting caught again.. they get smarter.. ;)

 

I'm sure what you say is generally true. However...

 

I know some people who have made what they consider a mistake and learned from it.

 

For example, I know some people that have tried casual sex or ONS and decided they didn't like it and didn't do it again.

 

From that logic, it's conceivable that some men might cheat during a time of extreme stress or pressure and decide that they feel horrible about it and never want to do it again.

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Isolde Established Member

Isolde

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as i have stated numerous times before (and research backs up) women put a premium on emotional fidelity and men place a premium on sexual fidelity.

 

that, isolde, is the answer to your question :)

 

good day

alpha

 

Not really.

It explains why women might be more likely to condone cheating (given that it's not an emotional type of cheating as well)--but it doesn't really explain the societal reaction to it (for example, in the case of well known people who are cheated on).

 

It's true that many women find emotional cheating that occurs over the long term (a guy dating another woman, but not having sex w/ her) to be worse than a guy cheating sexually for a brief amount of time.

Lizzie60 Established Member

Lizzie60

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I'm sure what you say is generally true. However...

 

I know some people who have made what they consider a mistake and learned from it.

 

For example, I know some people that have tried casual sex or ONS and decided they didn't like it and didn't do it again.

 

From that logic, it's conceivable that some men might cheat during a time of extreme stress or pressure and decide that they feel horrible about it and never want to do it again.

 

Honey.. they all feel horrible afterwards...especially if it's a ONS or a mistake (drunk, etc.) but it's soon forgotten.. :laugh: and trust me.. they will do it again one day.. :o

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Isolde Established Member

Isolde

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Honey.. they all feel horrible afterwards...especially if it's a ONS or a mistake (drunk, etc.) but it's soon forgotten.. :laugh: and trust me.. they will do it again one day.. :o

 

Do you think, then, that every woman who is cheated on should break up with her partner immediately? It's an interesting question, really, one that touches upon a lot of ethics issues that aren't easily answered.

 

All I know is that I wouldn't judge my friends for whatever decisions they made, unless it was clear the guy didn't love them.

Lizzie60 Established Member

Lizzie60

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This is a hard question to answer.. it all depends on the situation.

 

It is sad when the BS stays with the WS just because she is not financially independant or just too insecure to face life by herself.

 

When young children are involved, it could be way more difficult to leave...

 

I don't have much patience with a BS who put up and even find excuses for her/his serial cheater... :rolleyes: just because she refuses to accept the facts.. This is insane and dumb.

alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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the fact is that the majority of women stay with men who cheat because many of these men have offsetting positive qualities (looks, money, personality, good in bed, whatever...)

Stockalone Established Member

Stockalone

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All I know is that I wouldn't judge my friends for whatever decisions they made, unless it was clear the guy didn't love them.

 

My opinion is that a person who cheats doesn't love their partner.

 

If friends would ask for advice in this situation, I would tell them it is foolish to think that cheating is a forgivable mistake. I believe it is neither a mistake nor something that should be forgiven.

 

But it is their life, not mine, so I would be honest with them, telling them what I think once, and then shut up about it.

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Isolde Established Member

Isolde

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This is a hard question to answer.. it all depends on the situation.

 

It is sad when the BS stays with the WS just because she is not financially independant or just too insecure to face life by herself.

 

When young children are involved, it could be way more difficult to leave...

 

I don't have much patience with a BS who put up and even find excuses for her/his serial cheater... :rolleyes: just because she refuses to accept the facts.. This is insane and dumb.

 

Oh, putting up with a serial cheater is dumb, no doubt. But many women through history have done it. I wouldn't say that necessarily makes the woman morally lacking.

alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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My opinion is that a person who cheats doesn't love their partner.

thats not true...a man can love one woman and just have sex with others with no emotional attachment whatsoever

Lizzie60 Established Member

Lizzie60

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Oh, putting up with a serial cheater is dumb, no doubt. But many women through history have done it. I wouldn't say that necessarily makes the woman morally lacking.

 

 

Well in that case I would say that it makes her a 'doormat'

Lizzie60 Established Member

Lizzie60

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thats not true...a man can love one woman and just have sex with others with no emotional attachment whatsoever

 

 

I agree 200% ;)

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Isolde Established Member

Isolde

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My opinion is that a person who cheats doesn't love their partner.

 

Doesn't love their partner in the instant they cheated? That would be true. But a brief time of not loving your partner could theoretically be overcome.

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

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It's up to each person how much crap they're willing to put up with or forgive, in each relationship. What's a dealbreaker in one relationship, might be a godsend in others.

 

For myself, cheating is unforgiveable, at least for the life of the relationship. I feel it enables the cheater, if you stay with them and give them another chance. Shut it down and if they truly valued you or the marriage, they're going to feel the pain in a big way and maybe, just maybe, learn something about it. Beyond that, I think it slow torture for many people who take cheaters back. How do you live life with someone who can do this to you? It would be like a constant reminder. I suspect that if I ever forgave a cheater, within a year, I would be tempted to put a bullet through his head.

alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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I agree 200% ;)

indeed L60...many women cannot begin to understand how men can easily seperate sex and love. its really quite unfortunate and would eliminate many misunderstandings.

 

very few women i've been with could keep sex and love compartmentalized

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Isolde Established Member

Isolde

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Shut it down and if they truly valued you or the marriage, they're going to feel the pain in a big way and maybe, just maybe, learn something about it.

 

This is a very good point, TBF.

It's undeniable this could take a great deal of bravery, this sort of zero tolerance. But I agree that in most cases it would be the best approach.

Lizzie60 Established Member

Lizzie60

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It is do-able for a woman too.. but it's rare.. :o women are more emotional about their affairs.. it's more physical for men.

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

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This is a very good point, TBF.

It's undeniable this could take a great deal of bravery, this sort of zero tolerance. But I agree that in most cases it would be the best approach.

I can't say it's bravery, more disgust and ultimately rage.

 

I will say that third parties who enable affairs shouldn't be left alone to live life happily, either. ;)

Stockalone Established Member

Stockalone

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thats not true...a man can love one woman and just have sex with others with no emotional attachment whatsoever

 

That depends on how you define love then. If a gf cheats on me, there is nothing she can do to convince me that she still loves me.

 

If she wants to believe that she is in love with me, despite cheating on me, that is her problem, not mine.

 

 

Doesn't love their partner in the instant they cheated? That would be true. But a brief time of not loving your partner could theoretically be overcome.

 

If someone wants to forgive cheating, that is their choice. But I would never do it.

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Isolde Established Member

Isolde

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The other thing that interests me about this question is that taking a zero-tolerance approach towards cheating sort of makes sex symbolize the entire emotional validity of the marriage.

 

In some cases, the cheating may in fact have very little of an emotional component to it.

 

It comes down to how much exclusive sexuality represents the marriage as a whole, doesn't it?

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

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Not completely. If you loved and respected your partner, you would never inflict this type of damage on them, whether an emotional or physical affair, unless you're incredibly selfish. If so, then you're not worth keeping.

alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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If a gf cheats on me, there is nothing she can do to convince me that she still loves me..

i refer you to post #3

 

Not completely. If you loved and respected your partner, you would never inflict this type of damage on them, whether an emotional or physical affair, unless you're incredibly selfish. If so, then you're not worth keeping.

men and women cheat at about the same rate but for varying reasons....men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional reasons

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