moonmosaic Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 So I am back again for some advice or opinion regarding my marriage. Just for those who are not familiar with my story, my husband and I met over a year ago and we fell in love. We got married 4 months after the first meeting – I know it was crazy but there you go; we were so happy then. Anyway, things started to go downhill after we moved in together and most of the time we argue about respect/disrespect in a relationship. He thinks, I am overly sensitive – I’m British by the way - and Americans are more up front and open about their feelings, hurtful or not. Things like, walking away when I’m talking, changing plans last minute without discussing it or just simply pushing me away if I’m in the way, without saying sorry, are just a few examples of what he thinks acceptable in a marriage. Is it a culture issue? I think that it is more of a personality problem. I had the same issue with one of my exes who also acted disrespectfully and thats is why we are now history. He was British though, that’s why I think it has nothing to do with culture. I would appreciate some feedback on this, please. The other problem we have is about my daughter. She started complaining to my friends about my husband and it’s really hurting me. She thinks my husband doesn’t love her and she feels that I love my husband more than I love her. This is so heartbreaking and I don’t know what to do. My husband believes that kids should be disciplined and punished foremost, whereas I think that punishment should be the last resort. I believe that kids can grow into respectful adults without all that negativity and if you teach and support them continuously – it’s time consuming, I know but then – you hardly ever get to the punishment stage. It’s all about educating kids about what’s right and what’s wrong. So we always disagreed on this and just to avoid conflict I did what he said and my daughter started to be constantly grounded for this and that. Now, I can see that it’s backfiring and I need to do something urgently. But how do you change someone who believes that his belief is the right one?
annieo Posted January 25, 2009 Posted January 25, 2009 I don't think this has anything to do with cultural differences. Your husband seems to have a very different style of relating/parenting, a little selfish/macho, and it conflicts with yours. Walking away while you're talking, well, my h does that from time to time (we're both Canadian). I've always written it off as male/female differences. And I call him on it. But pushing you out of the way, yikes, that's just rude and kind of childish. Most of my students (9 or 10 years old) have learned not to do that. As for your daughter, I think it's important that she feels that you are there for her and that you won't tolerate unfair treatment towards her from him. Best if you have this discussion when she is not present, in an effort to spare her feelings and give him some sense of being a parent. I'm in a second marriage and I don't always agree with my h's decisions regarding the kids.
Geishawhelk Posted January 26, 2009 Posted January 26, 2009 I'm sorry, you ran headlong into this waaaay too quickly, and now it's coming back up to bite you. Did you discuss parental issues before you decided to marry? Sounds like you let your heart lead your thinking! Your number one priority, without question, no doubt about it, should be your daughter's welfare and happiness. He shouldn't even figure on the scale when it comes to her situation. She is your daughter, your child and regardless of anything else, should be paramount in your mind. You have to sit him down and basically - sorry about this - read him the Riot Act. There are some things which are completely intolerable and non-negotiable. He does not lay a finger on your daughter. Ever. Period. He has not got that right, he hasn't earned that right and he will never have that right. So it ends here. If his punishment is not physical, but merely involves grounding or deprivation - Same deal. YOU get final word, He doesn't. He hasn't demonstrated that he can be an effectively constructive parent. If you're at odds over this - YOU get last word, not HIM! SHE'S YOUR DAUGHTER - What are you thinking - ?! He does not manhandle you and push you around and expect to bully you into shutting up. If he is so infantile as to suppose that getting physical is a way to get the upper hand, he can think again. Frankly, you tell him that unless he can step up to the plate and comply - then he'd better think about taking a long walk. This is a non-negotiable situation. Really, there are times when pussyfooting and being tentative do not work. This is one of them.
Zolar Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 or what his ancestry is. The U.S. is not culturally homogeneous. And, there is a massive cultural difference between north and south. I'm from the midwest. I have never dated a southern American man because they are too aggressive. But, I think most American men have more aggression than men in W. European countries. They typically do not express their emotions very well, except in acts of aggression. Of course, I'm speaking generally, but there is a reason why I am married to an immigrant, myself. I just don't trust American men. They are very cold and just seem to lack human emotion. So... I don't know because we don't have nearly enough information, but I would not rule cultural differences out. Just watch for signs of physical aggression and please listen to your daughter. This isn't just you, anymore, if you have the protection of a child to think of.
clv0116 Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 You have to sit him down and basically - sorry about this - read him the Riot Act. There are some things which are completely intolerable and non-negotiable. He does not lay a finger on your daughter. Ever. Period. He has not got that right, he hasn't earned that right and he will never have that right. So it ends here. If his punishment is not physical, but merely involves grounding or deprivation - Same deal. YOU get final word, He doesn't. He hasn't demonstrated that he can be an effectively constructive parent. If you're at odds over this - YOU get last word, not HIM! SHE'S YOUR DAUGHTER - If she can't respect him enough trust his judgment in these matters she shouldn't have ever paired up with him. This is true whether her disrespect for him is well founded or not.
Surfer Dude Posted January 27, 2009 Posted January 27, 2009 It has nothing to do with culture. The guy is just a dick. Don't betray your own flesh and blood for this moron, it's not worth it. Some people are incredibly bossy and controlling, and they are best left totally alone until they learn how to treat others with respect.
Author moonmosaic Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 Thank you everyone for their input. My husband is originally from NY. He says that he has never had this issue - not showing respect - with previous girlfriends but I just find this so hard to believe. How can a relationship be caring if your behaviour is inconsiderate. To me disrespect is about not considering the other person's feelings when we speak or act. It's like having all these negative thoughts whilst doing or saying something to someone else. Like a few weeks ago, I am talking to him, he gets up and leaves for the bathroom without a word while I'm standing there mid-speech. Later I find out that he was running late for work. So, how about saying "Oh, sh*t, i'm late, sorry hun, can we finish this later?"..and it would have been perfectly fine. So he says, he had no time, but how long does it take to say something polite? Am i being too petty? Anyway, i am just venting.... No, he does not abuse my daughter physically - in that case i would run and never look back - but he is just mean with her and she is very sensitive to that. I was thinking about perhaps contacting a councelor who specialises in this area. I don't know. I told him the other day that his technique of nurturing is not having a positive affect on my daughter. He replied that he would then just stay out of it. Well, it isn't what i wanted to hear. i wanted him to see that there are better ways of raising kids and one must accept failure to gain success. Is there a book out there on this? I am just so frustrated:mad:
Author moonmosaic Posted January 27, 2009 Author Posted January 27, 2009 It has nothing to do with culture. The guy is just a dick. Don't betray your own flesh and blood for this moron, it's not worth it. Some people are incredibly bossy and controlling, and they are best left totally alone until they learn how to treat others with respect. I know, but when would that be? He is 43 already. Can a guy change at this age?
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